I have no idea if its the pregnancy. If its depression. or what is going on but somewhere along the lines I have developed this overwhelming anxiety to be away from Ryan. and that's even being away for a normal days work. I start to breathe heavy, I cant sleep, I seriously have a daily panic attack thinking we will be apart for 10-13 hours. Its crippling because once he leaves I go into this super heavy, cant really move around, kind of state. It takes a good amount of time for me to get going. If I am working I am usually late because I honestly cant get going. If I don't work It takes hours for me to just get ready and get the house picked up. I have tried to get in a morning routine in. Work out, get ready, a good breakfast, get going for the day.. etc... but no matter what I do it seems like I am moving at a snails speed and the clock is just racing. I cant think of anything but when will Ryan and I be home. I have been obsessed with trying to figure out what I would do if something happened to him. What would happen to the baby. I have had horrible thoughts and I get so upset with myself. I usually end up crying hysterically several times a day because I hate feeling like this. I hate having these thoughts and I just want them to go away.
Ryan tries his best to understand but seriously who can understand a crazy person.
I know many of my thoughts and emotions are totally unnecessary and unrealistic.
I try to talk myself down and I try to get a better hold on whats really going.
and I don't know.
I feel like a child.
I feel like I am a crazy girl who has a weird obsession with a guy.
I am a bit embarrassed.
When I am with Ryan I honestly have to be right there.
Like, not giving him an inch of space. and if you know Ryan you know this annoys him. He is not a cuddler and needs his space. He has been very patient with me and wanting to help but I know this is out of control.
What am I scared of?
I am scared something will happen to Ryan.
I am absolutely terrified that something will happen and I wont have him anymore.
I keep thinking, I need to get pictures of him doing this or that. I need to record the sound of his voice. I need to remember what he smells like, what he feels like. I am acting like I was just told he only has a week to live. This has slowly been getting worse and worse over the last few months.
I don't know why this is coming on now. I don't know what has changed.
A few weeks ago we signed up for life insurance. (yes big step in the world of adulthood)
The whole process has seriously made these fears sky rocket.
I remember in November of 2009. Makenzie was having issues but it was something we thought she was going to grow out of. I was signing up for my benefits at work for the next year. My job at the time offered life insurance for you, your spouse and your child. I remember looking at that page and thought how unnecessary it was. Obviously I didn't get it, how important it is to protect both my child and my spouse in case something happens but at that time... nothing like that would ever happen. I remember clicking NO for Makenzie. Thinking that would be a waste of money.
How was it that just a month later she was gone?
Lately I am just fearing that something will happen. To Ryan or to this baby.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I have been really sick and couldn't breathe so I had to sit up and catch my breath. I looked over at Ryan and fell apart. I just kept praying over and over for God to please never take him away from me. That I cant imagine a day without him in my life and I just couldn't continue without him by my side. I watched his back go up and down as he was breathing and just kept saying how I needed to remember this. That I cant forget what he felt like. I worked myself up into such a tizzy that I couldn't control my silent tears anymore and shoved my face into my pillow and just begged God and Makenzie to not ever make me live in this world without Ryan. I hate that I had to let Makenzie go and that I just cant have him leave me too. I fell asleep again sometime after that and woke up just feeling so off. I hate this feeling. I hate fearing that the most important people in my life are going to die. I can only imagine how I will feel when T is born. and it scares me to love him that much. It scares me to hold him and to kiss him and to fall completely head over heels for him. and I know I will. There is no way I can stop that. What happens when you see your child for the first time really is out of this world and I know once I lay eyes on him there is no turning back and that scares the shit out of me.
I know we all have fears and even before losing Makenzie I always had the fear of something happening to her or Ryan but it was always just that, a fear. Something I would worry about but something that most likely would never happen. I know this fear wont go away completely but I need to be able to function in life... good heavens... Its really not okay to be this upset because we have to go to work.
Its always so frustrating when you can logically see how you are being silly but you still feel it.