I wish my head would stay clear. Knowing where she is. Knowing it will get better. The hope. The smile. The happiness. The motivation. I want that all the time. But no matter what- there are hours, days or even weeks I just feel... Lost...
In a place that is so unknown. A place I can't understand. It is ground I have never walked and I fear it wont lead back to what I know. No matter how long you have been walking down the grief path-- there will always be a new turn. A path that is unlike the others.
I hate to admit I have found myself on that path and in that place far to often lately. Feeling Lost.
There are things Ryan and I are certain about. Like continuing our family. But then there are so many things we fear. The noise of the unknown path. Whether it be the small hint of wishing for the old path, the wondering whats going to happen on this new path, the aching that its not the original path you dreamed you would walk. There is still and forever will be so much noise no matter where we go in life.
Its important for us to ignore the noise. To block it out. But sometimes it is just too loud.
I question over and over...
Why did any of this happen? Is there ever going to be the good? Why did it happen now? Whats next? When? Not just with Makenzie. But Everything. When did life make this turn. Could I have controlled it. I feel I can't control anything. I feel powerless. The things I care most about are out of my hands. This was not ever going to be my life.
Here I am. In this life. This uncertain, uncharted, unknown life. Walking a path I never imagined walking. Making decisions I never thought I would make.
So much of my life lately has been spent in fear.
What a silly waste of time.
Nothing will come of it. I don't accomplish anything. I don't grow. Fear hinders me from so much. So why do I let it in so often?
The wants I have in life are simple.
No amount of money, fame, career, power, lifestyle could define it.
The simplicity I long for is a family.
It has been my whole life.
Wanting what I imagined a family being.
Love, comfort, encouragement, happiness, hugs, kisses, holding your hand, fearless, powerful, invincible.
I remember imagining my family being a "real" family.
There was to much fear, anger, hate, hurt for it to be real in my eyes then.
It has taken me building my own family- with Ryan- to see there are so many definitions of a family. So many different levels.
What I once had. Was family. It was just a very different kind. Maybe it wasn't the best. But it was mine. They are part of my path.
The unknown path then is now known. I walked that.
The abuse, the tears, the alone, the missing.
It brought me to this place. A place that I can now look at Ryan and say---
It was for you
I walked that, lived that, survived that--- to get to you.
The new path I'm walking I can honestly say is a million times worse than any path I have walked before.
I see you playing at the park, I see you hugging them, I see you having another. and all I can think is ...that is suppose to be me. That is suppose to be Makenzie. that is suppose to be our second child...
Understanding that this is suppose to be my path is part of the journey.
I don't believe ill ever understand the why. but I'm not sure I'm suppose to.
Its only meant for me to accept.
I know the feeling of being lost doesn't last forever.
I usually can talk myself out of it.
Knowing it could be worse.
Seeing that I do have good.
But more than anything its knowing that one day there is going to be a moment.
A moment where I am going to look at someone- makenzie's younger sister or brother- and I'll see it. I'll understand. I'll be able to say...
You are the reason...
To get to you.
I had to be there.
I pray and pray that moment comes.
And that I don't miss it.
That I can keep my eyes open so I don't miss that moment.
Because moments like that don't stick around.
They are not given out everyday.
I will keep holding on.
Waiting for that.
--- Waiting for you ----
and while I am still in these lost moments. I'll learn. I'll learn this hurt. Ill learn to accept it and ill learn how to live around it.
Its all part of the path. Part of the Journey.
7 comments :
You are so wise. I can't believe how you seem to be figuring this whole thing out as time goes by. I admire you, and your strength, and your ability to move on, but also keep Mackenzie's memory alive. This child is waiting for you as well, somewhere. Mackenzie is surely proud! Thinking of you often!
There are some days I hate my journey! It's hard to keep an eternal perspective or the bigger picture. But I think you're right, one day we'll understand.
To be honest I've found myself thinking about Makenzie a lot lately. I think about her life and her story. I realize it was about now in Ledger's life when you started visiting the doctors and learning what was to come. Oh, how my heart breaks for you, just like I know my heart will break all over again when he reaches Preslee's age. I know I've said this before, but I'm so sorry you had to experience losing Makenzie, I know how horrible it is. Hang in there girl, I loved this post. I'm praying that you'll be able to adopt a beautiful baby soon.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way, that you lost your sweet baby girl but I am glad you know how loved she is, that she felt it every second of her life and can still feel it today. You are such a wonderful Mom and I pray you are able to go through this process and find Kenzie's little brother or sister soon-you and Ryan have so much love and life to share!
Love and hugs, Em
Your post reminded me of one of my favorite quotes. It's so hard to live with so many questions. It's hard to hurt because of them. But this quote always reminds me to live ALL of it and try to be at peace with all of the questions knowing that answers come with time and that God will help me be patient during that wait.
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, for they could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps, then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
~ Rainer Marie Rilke
I just stumbled along your blog, and I wanted to tell you that you are such a fabulous writer. Your words are so saturated with the feeling you are having at the moment. I hope you know how talented you are, and how proud your daughter is of you!
Kendra, I am so happy for you that you guys are starting the adoption process. I haven't read your blog in a while so I had to go back and read it all. It sounds wonderful and I know it sounds funny but I'm proud of you. You guys will be wonderful parents. My BIL and SIL just adopted a beautiful little girl. They named her Berkley. She was 5 weeks early and had to be in the NICU for a couple of days, but she was a fighter and came home in just 6 days after being born. She is such a wonderful addition to our family. To see pictures of her go to my blog. Anyway, glad to hear your news and will pray for you to find the right fit for your family.
I read you blog and it is like you write what I feel. It is so not fun. I hate seeing people pregnant or with a new baby and getting a pit in my stomach, thinking that should be me. It is so hard. I am thinking of you!
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