Friday, August 5, 2011

Next to me.

I have always been pretty open with current things going on in our life.
Feelings. Emotions. The good. The bad. Sometimes the unreasonable. Sometimes the irrational. 
This blog has been my outlet and a way for me to sort out everything going on around me. 
Through other blogs- I have been able to put my silly woes into perspective and realize all the good around me. 

However, over the past few months I feel the things that have been going on in our personal life have made me really sit back and question everything and everyone around us. Even more than after Makenzie passed away. 
I have lost trust.
I have lost relationships.
I have lost things that really mattered to me.

I have been so focused on seeing how we have changed. Seeing how we want to change. Trying to figure out what we want out of life and trying to get there. We have both felt more private about everything. Not because we are ashamed, embarrassed or worried but because we have reached a point in our lives that we have realized more than ever how only we can rely on each other in the way we need to. We need family. We need friends. But at the end of the day the person you need more than anyone, is the person you have committed your life to. Ryan is the best thing to ever happen to me. He has been the only person who I can trust with every single ounce of me and know he would never ever hurt me. I am so blessed... SO blessed to have him as my husband. I have known this. But not really known this until recently.

There will always be "things" that happen in life. That make it seem like it couldn't get any worse. There are times you feel you cant keep going.  
But then there are times where you stop and see other things. Things you sometimes forget. 
Like the fact that you are not starving.
That you have a place to stay. Whether it be a your house, apartment, in laws basement or friends couch. 
That you have someone to love. Or several people to love. 
Its not about the big stuff. The money. The job. The house. The car. The perfect outfit. Being on time...
Its about slowing down. Making your own kind of happy in whatever situation you are in. 
I hate to admit I have been very guilty of not seeing the good lately. 
You would think that after losing your world- you wouldn't let those everyday things become a big deal.
I have been so overwhelmed. So sad. So depressed. So low. I have been angry. So very angry.
...
..
.
But on those really really hard days lately. Those days where I cant even try to smile. I turn and see him.
That guy that has been there all along. 
At least for the past... almost 6 years.
That guy that unfortunately has walk every step I'm walking and somehow. He is smiling.
Then he does something that I would never expect. He does something that takes my breath away.  
I love him.
I know with him... I will be able to live. 
We might be having hard days. But like I said in my last post. I have to make sure hard days don't take over my life. They don't define who I am. They don't turn me into someone I don't want to be. 
The worst of the worst could happen. But I have to keep breathing. I cant stop. This life is making me who I need to be. These trials are getting me where I am suppose to be. As much as that light is hard to see in all the dark. Its there. Because the other person who I have to remember that is on my other side... God. My angel baby, My Makenzie...  They don't know bad. They don't know hurt. They only see good. and their plan- can only have good in it. 

Maybe someday I will share all the details with you all. My friends. But for right now. I have to keep it close to home. But please know- we are so thankful for the prayers and the emails we have received. From people that don't even know whats going on. So thank you.



To change the topic a little. To get back on blogging track.
...
---
...
I cant believe its already August. 
This year has been the longest yet quickest year I swear. 2011. Never would I have thought some of these things would ever have happened. 
Geesh.
Our house is still for sale. Heaven help us. I cant wait to sell it. I wish so much the economy would improve so we could move past this chapter. 
Ryan has been working his butt off. Not only at work but at home. He helped remodel his Grandmas bathroom, He has been keeping up with all my honey do lists for him and he has been doing great on our  "eating healthy" goal. Okay so we still like treats but the intake of veggies, fruit and water has dramatically gone up in this house.
He has been counting down the days until hunting season starts. Just a couple more weekends! He is so excited and to be honest-- I cant wait for him either. He needs a little time with the boys and away. 
He was suppose to go this weekend. But because he is such an amazing guy. He is staying home with me. Because I am a little crazy... and really need him right now.

Harley is doing fine. Her infected mouth is doing good and her yeast infection in her ear is all better. Thankfully. I just pray this girl doesn't need any more work done... At least for a year. So she will be living in a bubble for a while. 

I have decided to take next semester off of school. I know I know. I'm really frustrated. But I think its the best thing right now. I hope to start in the spring. I have been going back and forth with switching majors. Seriously. I know I made a huge deal about Occupational Therapy but I guess just like everything else, as you get more into something- you realize what is really meant for you. I am definitely still going down a similar path but struggling with what I really want in the end. I hope with a semester off. I can get some stress levels down and really figure out what I should do with my life. 
We have wanted to go on one more trip before the year is over but that has all be canceled. We really need to focus on our life and our family right now so all our energy will be put into that. 

Ryan and I more than ever want a family. We want to be parents. We want to have children. I literally ache seeing babies on TV, in magazines or walking down the street. I am sure many families out there can share these trials. I pray God has a plan for us and how our family will grow. I have to put my trust in him to learn what is best for us.  Ryan has never been one as long as I have known him to really express certain wishes in life. (other than hunting) and he is wanting to be a Dad again more than anything. We want to love another child, we want to give them a wonderful life and we want to grow old with them. No matter how they come to us. I know it will be in Gods plan and we will love them more than anyone else could love them. 
We miss Makenzie more and more. We wish our life included her now. We wish she was here.

but...
Thankfully.... I know she is happy. I have faith she is in paradise. 
and
Thankfully.... Ryan and I have each other. We will get through anything as long as we stand together. 
I cant believe God gave him to me. 

6 comments :

Candace said...

I was catching up on blogging and of course had to blog about the Live Laugh Breathe Event. http://cbbaby.blogspot.com/2011/08/mrw-live-laugh-breathe-event.html
You and Ryan are so amazing. Thank you for sharing as much as you do. For helping my little family. Love you guys!

Anonymous said...

This is such a heartfelt, love filled post. It seems to me that you and Ryan are doing exactly what you need, taking time for eachother and focusing on what you both need-and that is awesome. None of this journey is easy, but I have no doubt there is a plan and I have no doubt you two will be blessed with more children. I dont know when/in what way either, but you have so much love to give and I know it will happen.
We are all here, sending you positive vibes, love, strength and prayers, and there is no need to share anything you don't want to or feel the need to. You share so much of yourselves and don't owe any of 'us' anything as far as information, we are here for you anyway! I know that I am so thankful for you and getting to know you and Kenzie....love and hugs, Em

Molly said...

Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Have you thought about being Foster parents? There are so many kids in the Foster system that need good loving homes and not nearly enough people that are willing to provide one for them.

Many times the kids actually are able to be adopted and the Foster families get first choice and you avoid all the high priced fees that come with the private domestic adoptions.

~plaid said...

Love your spirit. Your spirit is so full of love! Glad you are embracing it and prioritizing your focus. Thank you for your insights.

B.J. Caulfield said...

I'm sorry for all the hardships you're going through...I'm praying for you! I'm so glad you and your husband are leaning on each other..I can only imagine the strain losing a child can put on a marriage. God has a plan and it will be amazing!!!

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