twas the night before christmas....

twas the night before christmas and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring - other than our mouse (harley)

the stockings were hung from the shelf with care, in hopes that saint nicholas would soon be there.

last year there were no decorations, no real christmas cheer, the night before was spent in a fog.

the presents weren't really thoughtful because we really couldn't think. we went through the motions but never really experienced any of the real christmas.

On this silent holy night

as i hold this precious child

there are no words for this moment

heaven and earth meet in my arms tonight

he is mine

and yet he is gods

sleep now

sleep my son

sleep in peace

First Lullaby-Silent Night by Hilary Weeks

Have you ever heard this song?

My sister made me a Christmas CD last year while we were in the hospital with Kenzie. 

The night of Makenzie's Christmas we put this song on repeat.

I remember sitting there holding my baby.

Hearing these words.

Knowing she is already an angel and in a few short hours she would no longer be in my arms.

She would soon be back in heaven.

It was one of the most amazing moments to sit there knowing I am holding the closest thing to 

God right now.

As much as I miss her, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the life I had with her.

I have been so Thankful to Jesus Christ for giving us this day,

A day that lets me know I will be with her again. I will get to hold my baby.

He was born for us.

As much as I don't understand so much of this life, this world, this purpose - I know there is a plan and there is a reason. He gave us a way back home.

I wanted this Christmas so be so different than any other. I didn't want to worry so much about gifts, what we "wanted", the frustration of all the to do's, the hussell and bussell. I just wanted to feel. I wanted  to feel my Makenzie, I wanted to feel Jesus. I wanted to feel this Christmas.

On Chritmas Eve we went to the amazing Christmas Concert at the The Cathedral of the Madeleine.

I felt like I was in a room of angels. The music was incredible. I have never heard anything like it before. I prayed just about the whole time. I prayed for Jesus, I prayed for God, I prayed for Makenzie. 

It was an amazing feeling through the whole night.

We came home and decided to sleep downstairs. 

This time last year we were still sleeping on the floor or air mattress in the front room. I couldn't go in our room. I couldn't sleep in there. I couldn't picture doing that routine without Makenzie there. How would I go to sleep without watching her in the monitor or listening 

to the faint sounds of her music playing.

Ryan was pretty exhausted and went right to sleep. I laid there for a while. 

The tree was still on and I just stared at it. Thinking about this last year. How much has changed. 

How different I am. How different Ryan is. How different our everyday is.

I never thought I could get through an evening let alone a year without my baby. 

How did this year pass?

How did we do what we did, how did we wake up everyday, how did we keep breathing?

The person I am today is so very different than that person last year. 

Everything from my routines, my thinking, my prayers, my dreams, my wishes, my desires, my worries.

What I want out of life, Who I want to be. Everything is so different.

Life is so very different.

but

We are so very blessed to have each other.

To have our angel.

To know this Inst it.

then it was christmas morning.

happy birthday Jesus Christ.

i have been spending so much time thinking about him. thinking about who he is. what kind of man he is. i try to picture who he is, what he sounds like and what its like to be in his presence. 

then i know however or whatever i think- it so much more beautiful than i could ever dream.

what a life he lead. what trials he went through. 

what his father had to sit back and watch. what his mother had to witness. all to give you and i a chance to live again. to be our imperfect selves and be able to still return home. to live in peace. 

to live in that world. 

i have tried to picture makenzie there. i cant let my fears consume me. because. where she is. 

fear does not exists. 

i thank God and my savior Jesus Christ for giving me a happy ending someday.

we celebrated the best we knew how, 

a birthday deserves much happiness, celebration, love and family.

keep our love close, keep her happy, keep her safe and tell her everyday how much love we have for her. make sure she knows how hard we are working to be with her again. so soon.

we hope everyone had a wonderful christmas.