grief really does come without warning. There is no scheduling when the next wave comes. You can even plan a date- know that date is coming and prepare for this "hard storm" that's about to come and then it comes and its not as bad as you planned for. Then out of no where when you least expect it- that monsoon swoops in.
the wave a grief is so unpredictable.
leading up to this 1 year mark i have been "preparing". i knew the storm would be big and i wanted to make sure i was as prepared as possible emotionally. i wanted to make sure i didn't crumble in the middle of the grocery store so i stocked up on groceries days before. i didn't want to hide in the bathroom all day at work so i took some time off. i didn't want to lay awake crying so i took a sleeping pill. maybe all that preparing helped or maybe the storm just wasn't going to come then. those few days before were a little hard. not to-to bad. i kept thinking of her but i was never over emotional or feeling like i cant do this. on the 12th and 13th i expected myself to be so much worse than i was and really surprised myself when i felt "okay" both days. i definitely missed. i definitely thought a lot about her. i definitely wanted. but. i felt okay. i slept. i ate. i got up. i moved. i wasn't curled up in the fetal position begging God to kill me.
well that is until monday lateee at night.
went through that whole day, sent off the wish lantern, went to dinner and it wasn't until we were on our way home- late - that the overwhelming hurt came. we both cried. ryan could barley stay on the road. that night didn't go any better and there was little sleep in our house.
i had tuesday off so i planned that i would get caught up on all my chrismtas stuff. well that day i didn't really want to do anything. i spent the day with a few of my nieces. we watch icarley and some other girlie shows. we played dress up and barbies. but. the whole time i just felt blah. i didn't want to do anything. if i was left alone with a 1 month old we would have both laid on the floor in the fetal position crying until someone came to save that poor baby- good thing i was with a couple 2 and 4 year olds. they didn't let me cry.
that night hurt. again no sleep. no want. no desire and the missing totally took over. i felt sick to my stomach. every time i would stand up i felt woozy and light headed. i wanted to run and throw up. i felt so heavy and weak that i didn't even want to blink.
i thought of inventing something to blink for me so i wouldn't have to use that muscle.
i was going to go back to work wednesday but that didn't happen.
no sleep once again. couldn't even get up when the alarm went off. so that day was a lay in the fetal position day.
it is so strange to think that you can never know when or how or what your grief will look like. its not something you can prepare for. its not something that has a time limit. there is no expiration date. when you are going through grief of any kind there are no rules or guidelines.
im learning to not only remember this for myself but for others as well.
no matter what kind of grief your going through. grief is grief.
its the same for each of us.
there is that want, more than any other want in the world, and you cant have it. there is nothing you can do or say or be that will change that. its so frustrating. there is no choice in the matter.
the grief will never end. i cant ever expect it to. and to be honest. i don't know if i want it to. i still want to feel her. she isn't here- i cant pretend that she is- so i want to grief that loss. i want to feel that hurt and pain. i wont be able to do anything to get her back so i have to accept what life is now. i am. i am not begging God to give her back near as often as i once was. she is in heaven. she is in peace. she is dancing with angels. she is an angel. my life will keep moving. as much as i don't want it to. as much as i wish it would have stopped the minute she left. it hasn't. 369 days have past. thousands more will come. i cant live my life curled in a ball. but i cant live life as though i never lost.
its such a hard thing to understand, its such a hard thing to explain. why would you want to hurt like that. why would you want to fall like that. i don't like the pain, i don't like to fall, i don't like to feel completely helpless. but i want to feel this loss because its my reality of her now. its the reality of her being real.
its the reality of a real love and a real loss.
now the lack of sleep - the amount of tears - the aching.... its so very hard. not something i wish for anyone.
i miss my sweet little girl.
i miss her hands and her feet. i miss her mouth. i miss her lack of hair. i miss the sounds she would make when she slept. i miss her cry. i miss hearing her. i miss waking up to a family. i miss going to bed watching her sleep through the video monitor. i miss laughing with her. i miss making her smile. i miss being in her presence.