Friday, December 17, 2010

grief

grief really does come without warning. There is no scheduling when the next wave comes. You can even plan a date- know that date is coming and prepare for this "hard storm" that's about to come and then it comes and its not as bad as you planned for. Then out of no where when you least expect it- that monsoon swoops in.

the wave a grief is so unpredictable.
leading up to this 1 year mark i have been "preparing". i knew the storm would be big and i wanted to make sure i was as prepared as possible emotionally. i wanted to make sure i didn't crumble in the middle of the grocery store so i stocked up on groceries days before. i didn't want to hide in the bathroom all day at work so i took some time off. i didn't want to lay awake crying so i took a sleeping pill. maybe all that preparing helped or maybe the storm just wasn't going to come then. those few days before were a little hard. not to-to bad. i kept thinking of her but i was never over emotional or feeling like i cant do this. on the 12th and 13th i  expected myself to be so much worse than i was and really surprised myself when i felt "okay" both days. i definitely missed. i definitely thought a lot about her. i definitely wanted. but. i felt okay. i slept. i ate. i got up. i moved. i wasn't curled up in the fetal position begging God to kill me.
well that is until monday lateee at night.
went through that whole day, sent off the wish lantern, went to dinner and it wasn't until we were on our way home- late - that the overwhelming hurt came. we both cried. ryan could barley stay on the road. that night didn't go any better and there was little sleep in our house.

i had tuesday off so i planned that i would get caught up on all my chrismtas stuff. well that day i didn't really want to do anything. i spent the day with a few of my nieces. we watch icarley and some other girlie shows. we played dress up and barbies. but. the whole time i just felt blah. i didn't want to do anything. if i was left alone with a 1 month old we would have both laid on the floor in the fetal position crying until someone came to save that poor baby- good thing i was with a couple 2 and 4 year olds. they didn't let me cry.
that night hurt. again no sleep. no want. no desire and the missing totally took over. i felt sick to my stomach. every time i would stand up i felt woozy and light headed. i wanted to run and throw up. i felt so heavy and weak that i didn't even want to blink.
i thought of inventing something to blink for me so i wouldn't have to use that muscle.
i was going to go back to work wednesday but that didn't happen.
no sleep once again. couldn't even get up when the alarm went off. so that day was a lay in the fetal position day.

it is so strange to think that you can never know when or how or what your grief will look like. its not something you can prepare for. its not something that has a time limit. there is no expiration date. when you are going through grief of any kind there are no rules or guidelines.
im learning to not only remember this for myself but for others as well.
no matter what kind of grief your going through. grief is grief.
missing.
without.
wanting.
hurting.
its the same for each of us.
there is that want, more than any other want in the world, and you cant have it. there is nothing you can do or say or be that will change that. its so frustrating. there is no choice in the matter.

the grief will never end. i cant ever expect it to. and to be honest. i don't know if i want it to. i still want to feel her. she isn't here- i cant pretend that she is- so i want to grief that loss. i want to feel that hurt and pain. i wont be able to do anything to get her back so i have to accept what life is now. i am. i am not begging God to give her back near as often as i once was. she is in heaven. she is in peace. she is dancing with angels. she is an angel. my life will keep moving. as much as i don't want it to. as much as i wish it would have stopped the minute she left. it hasn't. 369 days have past. thousands more will come. i cant live my life curled in a ball. but i cant live life as though i never lost.
its such a hard thing to understand, its such a hard thing to explain. why would you want to hurt like that. why would you want to fall like that. i don't like the pain, i don't like to fall, i don't like to feel completely helpless. but i want to feel this loss because its my reality of her now. its the reality of her being real.
its the reality of a real love and a real loss.


now the lack of sleep - the amount of tears - the aching.... its so very hard. not something i wish for anyone.
i miss my sweet little girl.
i miss her hands and her feet. i miss her mouth. i miss her lack of hair. i miss the sounds she would make when she slept. i miss her cry. i miss hearing her. i miss waking up to a family. i miss going to bed watching her sleep through the video monitor. i miss laughing with her. i miss making her smile. i miss being in her presence.

10 comments:

brigette said...

Oh man Kendra I am so sorry. You are so right though in all of this. I wish I would have checked up on you after the fact rather than just the day of. I need to do better. Im so sorry you are feeling that huge wave of grief it hurts so bad and your right just cathes you off guard. You sure made Kenzies day amazing though. I bet she is so very proud of you!! Much love Kendra!!

Shawna said...

Ah Kendra, I don't really know what to say. I have thought of and prayed for you so much in these last two weeks -- especially Sunday - Tuesday and kept checking in here for updates on how you were doing. I am sorry that the grief still surprised you. But glad that in some ways you are okay with that because, as you said, you will probably always have that grief. What you said about not even wanting it to be gone makes total sense. I never really thought about that before, but it sounds right to me that though you don't want the pain, you still want the grief because it is a part of her (and your) reality. I hope the pain lessens and the peace overcomes it still for you so you are not hurting quite so much. But your grief dance will still be even then -- I hope your still spending some of that dance having morning dance parties with Kenzie.

Emma said...

Hugs. I can't even imagine what you and Ryan were/are feeling, but I am so, so glad you were with eachother and can lean on eachother when you need to. I think part of why grief often hits when we don't expect it is because we busy ourselves around those 'important dates'-we make plans, we do things to remember, we focus on the good memories and when the busyness ends we are left....left to be still and in our own mind adn think-and that is when the emotions overflow. I hope during it all you remembered the joy you gave Kenzie, the peace you showered her with, the love you showered her with....and continue to do all of those things. I know she was so proud of you those days, celebrating her amazing, touching life, her incredible brave and strong spirit...I hope in that you celebrated what incredible parents you are!! You have helped keep that incredible spirit alive, you keep her story going by letting others in on her life, on your life. You truly are touching people every day-what an impact your life, and your precious baby's life is making. Always thinking of you, sending you love, hugs, strength and prayers. Love Em

Alerie said...

I am so sorry Kendra!! I have not been able to stop thinking about you guys. I hope that you can feel everyone's love for you. I will be praying for you and Ryan!! Sending lots of BIG hugs your way!!

The Holland Family said...

I have a story to go along with your post today. My thoughts are with you as you endure this difficult time of year. This was written by one of the angel moms on our blog. It is so true indeed. Love, Nicole - Mia's mom ^i^

Meet my Friend Grief


"I would like you to meet my best friend. His name is Grief. We met each other unexpectedly and became friends instantly. He follows me wherever I go. When I go to sleep at night he tucks me in and whispers in my ear, "I'll see you in the morning." When I awake surely he has held true to his promise and greets me with a frown. He frowns because he is sad he had to meet me. He is the most loyal friend in the world. You can forget him for a while and not even think about him and he is willing to return at the drop of a dime. Grief is unselfish though. When other friends are around, he takes a back seat. He is quieted by the chattering of my other friends. It's nice to have a break from Him. Sometimes he's unrelenting and can be a drag. Other times I am grateful he's my friend because when he's around I know I haven't Forgotten.

A while back he was my very best friend. Slowly other friends are taking his place and he doesn't visit as often. I have even made friends with Joy again. I thought I had lost her friendship forever. Joy is a good friend too. Hopefully one day I will be able to be as good friends with Joy as I was with Grief. Maybe one day we can all be friends and share the same heart. To live in the Joy of today, to remember the grief of yesterday and to love all of my tomorrows. When all three of us can attain the same heart, I know our new best friend will be peace."
-by Michelle Krainich

Devon said...

Kendra, I will never stop being amazed by you. I know you are hurting and the pain is unbelieveable, but you have continued. You have kept on going. There are so so many people who would have given up--found a way to hide the grief in a permanent state of drunkeness or being high or whatever. You have not. You have survived. You are getting through it. You are living. And I can't think of a single better way to honor Makenzie.

Victoria Strong said...

You amaze me, Kendra. So many are afraid to face their grief with such honesty -- to bare their soul the way you do. Perhaps they can't express it as well, as poignantly. Or perhaps they are afraid they won't be able to carry on. I don't know, but I do know that your honesty makes me brave. It makes me think. It makes me feel and ache and wish it were all so very different for you, for Makenzie, for me. Thinking about you.

summergibbs said...

Kendra,
I found your blog through the Sullenger's. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I have never lost a child, but my mom passed away when I was 11 in a car accident. You're right....grief is always there. It isn't quite as frequent after almost 19 years, but I still have days where I feel like I've been punched the stomach. Hang in there....there are so many people who love you and are praying for you. Your Heavenly Father loves you and is very aware of your needs.

Sarah said...

Hi Kendra, Sam's wife (Sam from work) here. I read your blog off and on, and I wanted you to know I've been mindful of your little family the past couple of weeks. I was really affected by your experience when we met last year, the day after your sweet Makenzie left. That night I was brought back to a place I hadn't been in a long time--that raw grief you talk about here. It's been over six years since our daughter died, but you're right, the grief can and will hit at any time. Even still. But, however hard the grief is, it can also be refreshing. To come out of that deep pain for a time and just bask in the love for a perfect daughter is truly a gift. I wish you all the best, especially this time of year.

Anonymous said...

The remembering is hard. The missing is harder. The forgetting is impossible. The love is forever. Keep going, Sweety. You're doing all the right things by expressing how you feel and putting your energy in such worthwhile things. Just keep going and doing. You have lots of things to accomplish and Kenzie is right there with you. Every project, every day, every wish, every tear, she is there with you. You can't see her or feel her but when those "storms" of grief come (and they will), she will be right there with you in your mind and in your heart. Her memories will always be with you. No one can ever take them away from you and Ryan. I love you guys so much. I love your little Makenzie. When I think of her (every day), I can smile now, even though it is sometimes through tears. Much love and {{{hugs}}} Aunt M

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