It has been 1 year since I wrote THIS post.
The last post before I wrote THE letter to my baby girl.
This year. What a year it has been. A year I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever experience.
I could sit here and write a whole post about this year from HELL. I could cry and say how much life sucks. I could scream at God again. I could say how unfair this whole thing is...
I'm going to write about my last days with her.
Because of her- she changed me- to not only appreciate every little thing I have
(including cute stripped socks)
but to not waste my life away on the sadness. The unfair. The anger.
Never, not once, did she ever become the victim. She was far more brave, she had a far bigger mission and she full filled it with grace.
December 10 2009...
I wish I could remember every little detail of those last days. I wish I could remember every little thing I did. Every little thing she did. Every person who came to visit. It was a Thursday. We had our decision made but hadn't told many people yet. We didn't want a flood of family and friends coming up to say their goodbyes. We wanted to enjoy those last days. We wanted to experience peace and love and not worry about comforting everyone else. We had decided to have Makenzie blessed. We wanted to ask God in a proper way to take care of her. We wanted him to stay near and make sure she got home safely. We planned to bless her on Dec. 11th. I asked Ryan's Mom to find a dress for her. Something we could slip on her around the tubes. Something beautiful.
December 11 2009...
Friday. We had some good family and friends come up. We asked for no visitors on Saturday (the next day) because we wanted to spend her last day along with just the 3 of us. Those who knew came to say goodbye. Most didn't know it would be the last time until they were already there and we told them. There never were crowds. There never was to much commotion. There was this sense of peace throughout the day.
Friday was also Makenzie's blessing day. The dress was beautiful. It fit perfect. We had only a few people come. Ryan blessed her. He said a beautiful prayer. I remember standing there, not wanting to close my eyes, because I couldn't stop watching him hold her. Not tied down in the chair trying his best not to move an inch. He was holding her tight. Right next to his chest. Standing there, almost like everything was normal. After the prayer they put Kenzie back in the bed. Everyone just kind of stood there looking at her. She always had this special glow about her, but her laying there in white, was something extra special. I held her for a long while that day- throughout the day.
December 12 2009...
We asked for no visitors. But we did have a special treat planned. There were 2 amazing photographers that came. One was a good friends wife who took the most amazing, most treasured pictures of our baby. The other was with Now I lay me down to sleep which came that day as well as after Makenzie passed to take pictures of her without the tubes. Before we started taking pictures a couple nurses came in the room and gave Kenzie a present. She really touched so many lives that many were attached and kept coming back for visits. The gift was a cute pink onesie and this beautiful tutu that one of them made. I was so excited. We slipped that whole outfit on her tiny little body. I was thrilled to see her in clothes. After the first photo shoot was over Ryan started taking some of our things out to the car. We had a months worth of "stuff" piling up in the corner. He just took the things we wouldn't use in the next 24ish hours. Later that afternoon the second photographer came from NILMDTS. She gave Kenzie and I matching bracelets. I love them. I don't wear mine anymore because it was starting to wear and I want to keep it perfect. I put Kenzie's on her right away and it never came off. Later that night we did our Christmas. Jill stuck around with us. We had a little tree with a little present under. That night we sat around with only the Christmas tree lights on. We listened to Christmas music. Teased about stinky feet, talked about different features of Makenzie. We tried to make light of the night. Jill held Kenzie for a while. She was so happy to be with her. She kept grabbing her 2 fingers and squeezing them tight. She would move them up and down. She was so content. So comfortable that night. We finally gave her the present we bought. Ryan searched for this gift for hours a few nights before. He wanted to find the perfect one. We decided to give her a locket and to put our pictures in it. We would make sure she took it with her and kept it always so she could have us close to her at all times. We unwrapped the little box and gave her the neckless. She held it, threw it around a little but never dropped it. She just stared at it when we put it in front of her face. After Jill left we got out these letters that we wrote for Kenzie and read them to her. They were pretty short but said so much. That night I remember feeling the first bit of scared, hurt, realization that things were happening. It was the first night I went to bed thinking about the next day because I knew that would be the last night I would go to bed with her. The hospital team brought a couch in our room a few days before so Ryan and I could sleep next to each other. Something we hadn't done in a month. We both laid there that night, with only the tree light on, watching her bed. Ryan was holding me and we both just watch her machines, watched her little body. We didn't actually get into bed for a while because I kept getting back up to stand by her side again. It was such a hard concept to grasp, to know this was it. I wanted that night to go on for forever.
Those last few days. I have no idea how I lived for just that second I was in and not a minute more. I lived in her. I breathed because of her. She gave me so much life. I remember thinking this was probably one of the only times God wouldn't allow Satan into the room. Into our life. He knew we needed that pure knowledge then. To have the strength to give her back. To have the faith to live for her.
I wish I could go back. I wish I could feel that again.