Wednesday, December 8, 2010

behind the thankful

with so many wonderful things around me i am having a hard time coming here to write about anything else.
with so much love and support surrounding me i feel guilty feeling anything less than overjoyed and thankful.
i am. so very thankful. i am so very blessed. we are so loved. so prayed for. so comforted. what would i have done without all of you? without the kind words you tell me, without the amazing donations for our leggings project, without our wonderful new friends, without emails, cards, phone calls... what would we do without all those prayers?
thank you. ever so much. you have no idea how much it means to us.
however
(a fancier way for but)
i cant seem to shake this overwhelming heartache.
i hate feeling this way. i feel so very guilty. i feel we have too much good to feel this much pain. i want to only think about the positive (i am seeing that now you know, positive)... i want to look at what my daughter accomplished in her short life and what she is still accomplishing in heaven. i want to smile when i think of her in heaven. i want to feel this warmth that everything is okay. im so trying for it.
however
the missing is still there. she isn't here. in 5 short days it will mark 1 year since my baby left. it will be 1 year. i am looking at these days a year ago. we knew what was happening. we had already had the 13th picked as the day we would finally let her go. knowing our days were numbered. knowing we only had so long with her. those days seemed to last forever. i remember waking up thinking i have no reason to be sad because today isn't the day. it isn't the day she will leave me. i will get to go to sleep next to her again. i never thought of how many more days i had. how did i live that-simple-pure-faith filled- life. those were the days i just wanted to give her wings. i wanted to set her free. i just wanted to let my baby be. i didn't want her freedom taken away anymore. i didn't want to watch her in pain any longer. i just wanted to let her be with God.
i am so torn. between the wanting for me and the wanting for her.
for her. she is where she should be. what could be better. she is in a place where there is no pain. there is no hurt. there is no worry. everything is understood. everything is beautiful. everything is perfect. anything i wish i could give her here on earth is given to her in heaven x10.

but for me. for my selfish ways. i so want her. it would be so much better if she was here. it would be so much easier. i would have my love. i would have my muffin. i would have my daughter. we would have christmas. we would have winter plans. we would be planning a future. i would try my best to give her an amazing life. i would hope and pray for God to help me keep her safe. i would kiss that girl every chance i got. but like i said like a million times in that paragraph this would only be for
me - i -
and its so not about me.

its so very hard. i don't know most days how ill get to the next moment let alone another day.
this lifetime without her is just to dang long.
i just thank God for the people who have been put in my life because without all of you i would definitely not be here today. because that selfish part. it took over on more than one occasion. the edge was past and it was because others caught me before i completely fell that i have made it.
i am so grateful i had her. i am so grateful i will forever know her. she will get me through the rest of this. she will make me walk. she will make me be better. she will be the one that i owe any good i do to. because she is the reason i do good. to someday hold her again. just think- the last time i saw her alive she was without wings, tied down and miserable.
i cant wait to see the new her.

7 comments :

Emma said...

Kendra,
There is no "but", or "however"-you are allowed to feel any way you feel!! Being thankful and grateful are not seperate from being sad, angry, frustrated (all not near powerful enough words for what you are feeling). Your feelings don't take away from you also being thankful, they work together-you miss Kenzie so much because you are so thankful for having her, for her being so amazing and incredible and making you feel so complete-yes, you are thankful for that but of course you feel devastated not to have her in your arms. You love her so much you let her be free, you gave her wings, gave her freedom...but in return you also lost her physical presence with you-because of your love....of course that is hard, but it doesn't at all mean you are selfish!! You gave Kenzie the greatest gift, your love, and it was enough to set her free...but your love leaves you missing her, angry, etc and once again the two can not be seperated. Please don't ever feel you need to apologize for feeling lost, for feeling the 'missing' the way you do, let yourself feel and keep putting one foot in front of the other. That is all you can do. This time of year, all the raw emotions from last year, I think you need to expect and accept that it will be tough, not because you are weak but because it would be for anyone. Know it is going to be there and that IT IS OKAY to feel the way you are!! You are reliving last year, reliving all the days since, reliving the fear, the pain....but you did get through it, even if you don't know how. I do, your love for Kenzie, and her love for you....and you will continue to do so much good in her name!! Please know you are in so many of our thoughts and prayers and I know as well as all of us Kenzie is sending you all the strength she can, all the strength you showed in letting her be free....I hope you feel glimpses of that strength and love and mostly moments of peace. Love and hugs, Em

Andrea said...

Thinking of you lots this month. Keeping you in my prayers. HUGS!

Momma C and Papa B said...

Kendra,
I can honestly say that I have no idea how it feels, but I do know that I ache for you. This and MRW's blog has touched so many people, and I want to thank you for being brave enough to write how you feel, and how hard, terrifying, etc it really is. No sugar coating anything. I was driving yesterday when I noticed the license plate in front of me was some number and then MRW. I instantly thought of you and your beautiful baby. I know that it's not much, but maybe little notes like this will help you remember the good things, and how your amazing story, feelings, and baby girl have touched so many people.

Ashley Sullenger said...

My thoughts have seemed to constantly dwell on "The Websters" lately. Because I wonder what it will be like at the year mark. A lot of people have told me after they make it past a year, and have made it through all the holidays, it gets easier in a different way. i really hope that is the case, but who knows. Thanks for writing, it makes me feel like I'm not the only one thinking the same exact things! Hang in there! we're thinking about you!

Candace said...

Today while I was decorating my Christmas tree, I was thinking of you. All the pink and sparkles made me think of you and your sweet Kenzie... I pray you can find peace at this time.
lots of love,
Candace

brigette said...

You have every right to feel the way you do. THe year mark is so hard and even though there is so much good around ther is lots of pain as well. You are so sweet to involve Kael in your balloon relesae that means alot to me. You and Ry are in my thoughts and prayers this week. Pleae let me know if you need anything
!! Much love Kendra

♥ Stephan & Michelle ♥ said...

Wow! Emmas comment is exactly how I feel about your post. I completely agree 100 percent! She worded that beautifully.

Kendra you are the least selfish person I know, the strongest person, and the most amazing person. And one of the best moms! You have every right to feel the way you do about everything you said. And that doesnt make you selfish, you have more strength that half the people in this world do. It is ok to have those feelings it is ok to cry or whatever. It doesnt make you selfish or weak or anything! It makes you human! It makes you stronger and shows you have a heart. It shows how much you love Makenzie! So many people love you guys and Makenzie, even some of us who never even got to met her. Because she touched all of our lives threw your story threw her courage and yours and Ryans! Thank you for posting everything you feel! Your words make me appericate my daughter that much more, and make me inspire to be a great mother like you are! Thank you!!

I wanted you to know that part of why I picked out Ashlyns middle name McKenley is to be named after Makenzie is some way I almost named her fully after her with her middle name, but their could never be another Makenzie. And I honestly was a little scared to ask you if I could cause I didnt wanna affend you. So I named her partly after her, I hope my daughter is half of what she is.

I love you Kendra thanks for being you!!

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