lost and found

The other day I found my old cell phone. I was just flipping through it and found a few photos that for whatever reason didn't find their way to my new phone. I got all my others but not these few. 

These were taken her first day in this world.

I had finally got back to my room around 4am. Ryan left for a quick minute to eat since he never got dinner. They brought Kenzie in just a few minutes after I got settled and ate a nice big bowl of cereal (seriously, the best meal of my life... i have never been that kind of hungry)

I think the nurses thought I was 10 or something and not sure I could handle my baby on my own but I assured them I was fine with her and hinted for them to LEAVE. Kenzie was still in her little bed. 

When I close my eyes I can see this...

I stepped out of the bed, looked at my hospital socks- quickly thinking how ugly yet comfy they were-  grabbed the side of her bed with both hands and peered over the side. She was laying on her back and wide awake bundled like a breakfast burrito. I looked in her eyes and saw my whole world. I picked her up. I was so gentle but I remember feeling so confident that I knew what I was doing. I wasn't worried I would break her. I was more worried I would hit her head on something. The room was very dim and it was still dark outside. I got back on the bed, 

vivid random memory--- the ice pack in the *hum hum* area was hurting my *hum hum* 

and I wanted to rip that thing out as I was sitting back down 

but I knew in the long run it would cool the chacha so I left it----

I sat on the bed. Leaned it back a bit. I was exhausted but so didn't want to put her down. I laid the bed back and I laid her by my side. Our bodies touched as much as possible. I felt her. I stared at her. I kept touching every inch of her face. I was simply amazed she was mine. She was so me and so Ryan. She was so made of love. She dozed off finally, 

(mind you this girl NEVER cried until we left the hospital. YEAH I'm serious. NOT even when she first came out. the NICU team that was standing by got worried but after a long while they just figure she wasn't a crier)

so my little, never make a peep baby was now about 3-4 hours old. She was here. I did this.

I watched her as long as I could keep my eyes open. Then I slept. ONLY for a few moments before a nurse came in and scolded me for sleeping with her in the bed with me... oops!

but before it ended

That first moment with just her and I. 

BFF's. a Team. girlfriends.

That moment will forever be in my mind.

pardon this horrid after birth picture of me, but look at her. 

this was our first moment. 

i took this self pic because i remember wanting to just bottle that moment.

Here are a couple other pictures I found I took on my phone of her first day.

I miss this first day.

In that moment, in that day, I never would have guessed I would ever have to say goodbye.

Life sure gives us some twists and turns. 

Tonight, I know its a better night because instead of my "normal" feelings, 

all I can do is thank GOD for giving me that moment. That day. 

How blessed I am that she gave me so much in such a short amount of time.