Along this road I am learning. Learning everyday.
Its funny because as I'm learning I get mad at myself for learning at the loss of my daughter.
Its still a vicious cycle.
I want to be better but when I'm better I don't like being better without her. I want to be happy but when I'm happy I feel guilty. I don't want to cry so much but when I cry less I worry Makenzie thinks I don't miss her. What am I wanting?
What do I pray for?
Every day - Every night- I pray. I beg God to
1. Hold Makenzie, give her lots of kisses, tell her how we miss her and never let her experience a moment of sadness.
2. Hold Ryan. Give him love and strength. Help him get through his days and nights and let him feel Makenzie.
3. Help me. Help me breathe, help me find happiness, help me stop crying so much, help me feel Makenzie, just help me. HELP!
The same routine.
Until.
The other day. I was driving and it hit me.
What do I want? Do I want to be happy? Because If I'm happy- I'm mad that I'm happy. How do I become happy? I wont let myself be happy. If good comes into my life I push it away. I think that if I am happy- Makenzie will think I'm happy she isn't here. I worry so much what she feels. What she sees from us. What she is doing. I worry her little heart is breaking because she needs me. I worry she is lost. I worry she is sad.
So as the whole "what do I want" hit me- My mind was flooded with new thoughts of her. What she is doing and what she wants.
I once talked about what I hope heaven is like - When Kenzie was still in the hospital but before she was diagnosed. I thought about how my vision on heaven has changed. It has changed so much. Why is that?
I realized I have let my fear, my crippling sadness and my anger get in the way. It has taken me down an even darker path than I needed to go down. It took me down a path where I'm picturing my daughter in pain, alone and aching for me. So why did I let myself get there? I don't know...
But. I am getting out of there.
What is heaven?
I'm not sure.
But.
I feel that its not like here. I know everything is different. From your emotions to your sense of time- as well as your needs and wants. Makenzie is in a place where the word pain/sadness/alone probably doesn't exist. She doesn't know what missing is because she isn't missing. She is with me. She is with her Dad. All the time. It seems like eternity until ill see her again but in heavens reality- its only going to be moments.
I saw this movie. I was flipping channels and stopped right at the part where this guy was talking to some girl... (I really wasn't paying attention except for this one part)
He said- God doesn't just make us happy- he gives us opportunities to be happy.
When we ask God for something- he doesn't just wave his magic wand and drop it on the door- but he does give us opportunities to get what we are asking. We just have to watch for it.
God cant answer my prays in the exact moment I'm asking. As much as I want him to. He wont. How would we learn? How would we grow? How could we learn faith and hope if we were given it right then.
As I look back over these last few months I feel like God has given me many opportunities to be happy. But. I rejected them. I pushed them away --- because I felt Makenzie wanted me sad!?!
Sounds pretty silly.
But I'm not logical all the time. I have said that before. I don't always understand my feelings. I cant always justify them. Sometimes Ill yell and fight just so you agree with my feelings even when I don't understand them myself.
...
I'm changing. I'm learning. and right now. I'm learning to find my opportunities.
There is happiness out there. There is an answer out there. There is a future out there and I will find it.
9 comments :
Kendra, this is such a wonderful blog post! It sounds so positive, so hopeful, and so awakening for you. I see so much growth in your words. I love what you said about the opportunities that God gives us for happiness. I needed to hear that today. Thank you again for always being willing to share your journey -- in helping yourself by letting it out, you are helping others.
Sunshine, my sunshine....I've told you many times that I pop in here to check on you. Well here I am again..... I believe that God gives us what we need when we need it and usually when we least expect it. When I lost my parents alot of people thought me cold, hard, and in dire need of therapy. I was and am still glad they are gone. Wow....what a statement.... but as much as I love them and I still miss them terribly and it has be 20 some years, what I hold on to, every day, especially my "needy" days........I believe that they are no longer in pain, they are with the heavenly father, that they are content and happy, that they look down with expectation for me, "Am I moving forward or sitting still becoming stagnate in my own self punishment." I ask myself was I a good daughter, did I do everything I could for them at the end, do I have regrets...........man oh man do I have some regrets! I kept praying, I kept asking GOD to help me, help me forgive myself for what I belived were/are my shortcomings. HE has helped me get there. Loosing a child is far far worse, but I think that the truth is, if it had been you that GOD took, would you have wanted Kenzie to be sad, would you have been sad if Kenzie smiled, laughed, had good times, had time in her day where you were not her only thought? You know what you'd want for her, smiles, laughter, love, and the abiblity to grow and make you proud. I believe that is what my parents want for me, not quilt that eats me up and pain that keeps me awake at night, regrets that I can not go back and fix. I beleive that Kenzie would not want bad things for you either. You gave and still give her all your love everyday, that is why she was able to go back to GOD, and they can sit together and be so very proud of you. I believe that our loved ones want us to be happy, happy for them that they are no longer here on earth struggling, that they are waiting for us and when GOD deems it is our time, they will be waiting with open arms and hearts. Will this be easy for you, I know it is not, but I believe that you will always feel Kenzie and she knows, without a single doubt, that you will love her forever and you will continue to make her proud, that she is surrounded in balloons full of you and Ryan, and all those that love her. Keep putting one foot in front of the other just as you do each day, continue to pray, and you will continue to do what you have been doing, making Kenzie proud! Much love and big warm hugs sunshine! I am always here for you.
Sunshine, my sunshine....I've told you many times that I pop in here to check on you. Well here I am again..... I believe that God gives us what we need when we need it and usually when we least expect it. When I lost my parents alot of people thought me cold, hard, and in dire need of therapy. I was and am still glad they are gone. Wow....what a statement.... but as much as I love them and I still miss them terribly and it has be 20 some years, what I hold on to, every day, especially my "needy" days........I believe that they are no longer in pain, they are with the heavenly father, that they are content and happy, that they look down with expectation for me, "Am I moving forward or sitting still becoming stagnate in my own self punishment." I ask myself was I a good daughter, did I do everything I could for them at the end, do I have regrets...........man oh man do I have some regrets! I kept praying, I kept asking GOD to help me, help me forgive myself for what I belived were/are my shortcomings. HE has helped me get there. Loosing a child is far far worse, but I think that the truth is, if it had been you that GOD took, would you have wanted Kenzie to be sad, would you have been sad if Kenzie smiled, laughed, had good times, had time in her day where you were not her only thought? You know what you'd want for her, smiles, laughter, love, and the abiblity to grow and make you proud. I believe that is what my parents want for me, not quilt that eats me up and pain that keeps me awake at night, regrets that I can not go back and fix. I beleive that Kenzie would not want bad things for you either. You gave and still give her all your love everyday, that is why she was able to go back to GOD, and they can sit together and be so very proud of you. I believe that our loved ones want us to be happy, happy for them that they are no longer here on earth struggling, that they are waiting for us and when GOD deems it is our time, they will be waiting with open arms and hearts. Will this be easy for you, I know it is not, but I believe that you will always feel Kenzie and she knows, without a single doubt, that you will love her forever and you will continue to make her proud, that she is surrounded in balloons full of you and Ryan, and all those that love her. Keep putting one foot in front of the other just as you do each day, continue to pray, and you will continue to do what you have been doing, making Kenzie proud! Much love and big warm hugs sunshine! I am always here for you.
This post was amazing!! I think everything you said was so true. I think everyone that has lost someone feels at one point or another like what you said you have been feeling. Do I think it is true? NO, but we are human and it is only normal to have those feelings. I know with my whole heart though that heaven is PERFECT and that Makenzie is being well taken care of. I also know that she wants to see you happy and that she doesn't need you to be thinking about her all the time for her to still feel loved. She knows that you love her more than anything. I mean I dont really know you know you and I know that you love her with every ounce of your body and soul. So like I said I know she knows she is loved, she is your daughter and you have that special bond. I am happy that this answer was given to you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Much love!!
Thanks Kendra I needed to hear this today, your amazing as always and I know Kenzie is super proud of her mom today and always.
Chels
Wow! Sounds like you're in a better place. Good on ya! :)
Lisa
What a great attitude and a great post. Good strides Kendra. You are and always will be an example to me!
I follow your blog and I am inspired by your journey. I follow another blog where the family is dealing with the passing of a young child and she also posted very similiar sentiment. Maybe it would be helpful to you to read hers.
www.patrickandashley.blogspot.com
Best wishes for your journey.
Kendra, wow! I love this post. I know not all days will feel like this but I hope this is the start of a whole new way of thinking. I can't imagine the feelings of guilt, questions etc but I know they are normal...but trying to see them from this light is fantastic. You are right, Kenzie would not ever want you to be sad-she loved her Mommy's smiling face, that is what she wants to see but I can imagine how it is hard to rememeber that instead of feeling guilty. I think the key is to remember if the roles were reversed. You would want Kenzie and Ryan to be happy. Yes, they would always miss you, they would cry, have good and bad days but ultimately you would want them to be happy-and that is how she feels! I know happiness without her seems tough, but you are never without her completely. She is always with you, in spirit, in your heart and in all the lessons she is teaching you. Don't feel bad learning from this situation, it is her wisdom that is teaching you!!
She will never question your love, how much, if it is still there, she FEELS it every second...that I have no doubt. I agree with you, Heaven has no place for sadness and missing, to her you will be together in no time. It is the journey here on Earth that is tough but you are doing amazing to keep her spirit, her life alive here. We are all learning so much from you, from Kenzie's life and about love and life from you both. Although I wish we had 'met' through other circumstances I can't tell you how thankful I am to learn from you everyday and how much I appreciate your wisdom, your honest and grace. I know Kenzie feels the same and is so proud of her incredible Mommy!! Love and hugs, Em
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