Dance

Kenzie and I loved to dance. We would twirl and twirl all day. We would do little crazy dances. Do some dirty dances. We would throw our hands around. Stomp our feet.
Unfortunately I have NO rhythm what-so-ever but it wasn't in public so no one had to witness the horribleness that it was. Kenzie and I would laugh and laugh because we were so crazy.
Lately I haven't danced quite as much. Since my dance partner isn't around I find no reason to.
UNTIL
The other day. I was getting ready in the morning, feeling a little down when it I thought I would try something new. I said out loud:

Kenzie- I need to start today off good- so we are going to dance. You better not make me look like a fool so I'm expecting you to dance like a mad women up there. 

We danced. I was throwing my arms, stomping my feet, flipping my hair, twirling around and around. All the while picturing her doing the same. I turned up the music real loud and we went crazy. It was amazing. It was a feeling I haven't felt in over 9 months. Feeling like she was there with me, being able to do something together. I kept telling her that if she stopped- I would be upset because there I was twirling away.

...................

When you loose a loved one sometimes the hardest part is learning to live with them still. I'm learning that I don't have to think she isn't here. I don't have to experience life thinking she isn't experiencing it with me.  I am learning she is right here. She wouldn't leave now.  This part of our life is really just the beginning of our love song.  Although I wish more than anything i could see her and feel her. I cant. But she can. and being a Mom. Her Mom. That's all I could wish for. To know she is still okay. To know she gets to see me. To know she gets to feel me.

When Kenzie was in the hospital I was a different person. Nothing was about me. Nothing. I didn't think twice how her future would effect me. I only thought how it would effect her.  The days before she went back to heaven I have to admit I was anxious. Not to have her go for me but to let her have her freedom for her. I physically hurt every time I looked into her eyes. I ached whenever we had to suction her or perform CPT. Seeing her body starting to shut down nearly killed me because I couldn't bear the thought of her not being able to move, smile, see, giggle.  She already lost her voice. She already lost her freedom to breathe. She didn't deserve that. She was so tired. She fought a hard battle and she couldn't fight much more. She held on for us. Because she knew we just weren't ready for her to go. That day. I hated the clock. I couldn't believe time was moving toward the end. I wanted the minutes to stand still. The good minutes. I wanted to hold her, kiss her and just soak up every last second with her life. How could I say goodbye? I look back now and don't understand. I have no idea how I did it. Ask me to do it today- I couldn't. But then, my mind wasn't on me it was on her. My heart was on her. To know she would be able to be free was my relief. Life wasn't about me. It wasn't about Ryan. It wasn't about anything but her. I don't know how we did it. I dont know how I held her as her life ended. I don't know how we said goodbye to our daughter.

I guess now its remembering this isn't the end. I guess its knowing she is free. Its not about me. It never was. God gave her to us because he knew we wouldn't let it be about us. She wasn't meant to grow old. She wasn't mean to learn to walk and talk and run and dance.
She was meant to change the world in a short amount of time. She was sent to change Ryan and I. She was sent to give us a kind of love that we could never have dreamed of. A kind of love only she could give.

So today- Ill smile. Because its not about me. Its not about Ryan. Its about her. Its about the life she lead and the life she is living now. To know she is in a place where she can dance with me. Its okay that I cant see her because she can see me. Its okay that I cant kiss her because she can kiss me. Its about her.



Ill see you tomorrow baby, get ready to shake it. I have some new songs and we are going to dance till we cant dance anymore.