Thursday, September 23, 2010

Dance

Kenzie and I loved to dance. We would twirl and twirl all day. We would do little crazy dances. Do some dirty dances. We would throw our hands around. Stomp our feet.
Unfortunately I have NO rhythm what-so-ever but it wasn't in public so no one had to witness the horribleness that it was. Kenzie and I would laugh and laugh because we were so crazy.
Lately I haven't danced quite as much. Since my dance partner isn't around I find no reason to.
UNTIL
The other day. I was getting ready in the morning, feeling a little down when it I thought I would try something new. I said out loud:

Kenzie- I need to start today off good- so we are going to dance. You better not make me look like a fool so I'm expecting you to dance like a mad women up there. 

We danced. I was throwing my arms, stomping my feet, flipping my hair, twirling around and around. All the while picturing her doing the same. I turned up the music real loud and we went crazy. It was amazing. It was a feeling I haven't felt in over 9 months. Feeling like she was there with me, being able to do something together. I kept telling her that if she stopped- I would be upset because there I was twirling away.

...................

When you loose a loved one sometimes the hardest part is learning to live with them still. I'm learning that I don't have to think she isn't here. I don't have to experience life thinking she isn't experiencing it with me.  I am learning she is right here. She wouldn't leave now.  This part of our life is really just the beginning of our love song.  Although I wish more than anything i could see her and feel her. I cant. But she can. and being a Mom. Her Mom. That's all I could wish for. To know she is still okay. To know she gets to see me. To know she gets to feel me.

When Kenzie was in the hospital I was a different person. Nothing was about me. Nothing. I didn't think twice how her future would effect me. I only thought how it would effect her.  The days before she went back to heaven I have to admit I was anxious. Not to have her go for me but to let her have her freedom for her. I physically hurt every time I looked into her eyes. I ached whenever we had to suction her or perform CPT. Seeing her body starting to shut down nearly killed me because I couldn't bear the thought of her not being able to move, smile, see, giggle.  She already lost her voice. She already lost her freedom to breathe. She didn't deserve that. She was so tired. She fought a hard battle and she couldn't fight much more. She held on for us. Because she knew we just weren't ready for her to go. That day. I hated the clock. I couldn't believe time was moving toward the end. I wanted the minutes to stand still. The good minutes. I wanted to hold her, kiss her and just soak up every last second with her life. How could I say goodbye? I look back now and don't understand. I have no idea how I did it. Ask me to do it today- I couldn't. But then, my mind wasn't on me it was on her. My heart was on her. To know she would be able to be free was my relief. Life wasn't about me. It wasn't about Ryan. It wasn't about anything but her. I don't know how we did it. I dont know how I held her as her life ended. I don't know how we said goodbye to our daughter.

I guess now its remembering this isn't the end. I guess its knowing she is free. Its not about me. It never was. God gave her to us because he knew we wouldn't let it be about us. She wasn't meant to grow old. She wasn't mean to learn to walk and talk and run and dance.
She was meant to change the world in a short amount of time. She was sent to change Ryan and I. She was sent to give us a kind of love that we could never have dreamed of. A kind of love only she could give.

So today- Ill smile. Because its not about me. Its not about Ryan. Its about her. Its about the life she lead and the life she is living now. To know she is in a place where she can dance with me. Its okay that I cant see her because she can see me. Its okay that I cant kiss her because she can kiss me. Its about her.



Ill see you tomorrow baby, get ready to shake it. I have some new songs and we are going to dance till we cant dance anymore.

14 comments :

debbie said...

oh my gosh, what a lucky girl she is. All three of your are amazing. Thank you for sharing your dance with me!!!

Anonymous said...

Kenzie ABSOLUTELY can dance with you. Her essence in where ever you and Ryan happen to be. I'm told those who leave this earth get to experience all that happens right after and even long after they leave this earth. That brings a measure of comfort to me. I know you and Ryan will keep on living and keep on going for the both of you but you have lots of things to live for and experiences to go through for Kenzie too. She knows, Kendra, she knows what is going on in your life and how difficult this is for you. But she also sees the bigger broader picture with her perfect spiritual eyes. She will always be there for you no matter that you cannot see her. I pray she will come to you in your dreams. When you hear the windchime, feel the warm breeze, hear laughter, or release balloons, you will know she's close by. The love never ends. Auntie M

Alerie said...

I loved this post!! Everything about it was so true!! I am glad you were able to have this moment with Makenzie. I am sure it was much needed. How fun for you to have a dance party with her every morning!! I know she loves it just as much as you do!! I am sure there will be more hard days to come, but I am glad to know you are able to find some joys and that you are having a good day today. She is always with you where ever you and Ryan go. You are amazing!! Much love!!

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful post. It warmed my heart and it is good to see how far you have come. Makenzie is happy, she sees you and Ryan all the time and she loves you. She is amazing and she shared so much with many people. Remember her goal to be a family ALWAYS. Make the choice to do that, it was one of her many goals. I hope you get the grant, I have asked many to vote and they have enjoyed seeing the pics of Makenzie. You have come a long ways keep coming and you will find joy beyond your dreams.

Emma said...

Kendra, what a beautiful way to start your day, dancing with your incredible baby girl! I know she would have loved dancing with you again, her Mom, her love, her heart.
You are so right when you say this was never about you. When Kenzie needed you to be her voice, you were, and you knew her so deeply that you and Ryan knew what was best for her-not for you, for her. Living without her physically with you is never something you would choose for you, but letting her live in peace, being able to breath, to dance along side you like she did is all what you did for her-what a gift you gave her. You gave her life, a life of peace, without pain and still with you. She will never leave your side, especially in the darkest times and I am so glad you have found a way to 'feel' her presence...I know you will find many more as the days go by. Love and hugs,Em

Heather said...

You're post made me smile :). I've been voting everyday and am crossing my fingers for GSF. You also "guilted" me (okay, I actually really wanted to do it) into ordering some babylegs for you. I just ordered five, so I guess that means they will ship you five, right? I will give you my five as soon as I get them. Enjoy your dances with your cute Kenzie!!

Satterlees said...

You made my day!:) Nothing brings more happiness to me than dancing, and to know you are having a better day full of gyrating I couldn't be prouder!haha Kenzie is havin a ball and you know that booty is shakin.

TMI Tara said...

Love this, Kendra. Even though your dance is so painful, it is also very beautiful and I am so proud of you to know that you are feeling Kenzie with you. She IS with you, I know it. She's even visited us a few times, Chloe knows that. She is dancing with you everyday, girl. Keep dancing.

Shawna said...

Kendra, this is wonderful. What a great way to "stop picking" -- dance! You here and her "there" where she is closer than you can see but not too far away to join you, love you, and be apart of all you are doing for/with her. I love this! I love you words; I love this idea; I think this is so great for you and for Kenzie.

Ceeu N Uila said...

Thank you for sharing this...I too woke up this morning feeling like I needed a little pick me up...My little man loved dancing too..lol..His signature dance move was the one all rockers love..."the headbanger" cept his was cute and much much slower....lol.....I imagine speaking to my son all the time but I know even if I whisper to him in my heart, he'll hear me. You are so brave and faithful. Thank you again for sharing this!

Shawna said...

Kendra,

I saw this song: Jarabe de palo - Bailar on a friend's blog today & thought of you and this post. I don't speak Spanish, but she explained the gist of the lyrics in her post and said it is a great song even if you don't speak Spanish. I wanted to share it with you because of your and Kenzie's dance and love of dancing:

The gist of the lyrics as my friend interpreted them:

Just DANCE, when everything is falling apart and you want to be somewhere else but just can't get there! Just DANCE, when everything is the same old same old and you're looking for a reason but just can't find one. Just DANCE when everything is looking down and you WANT to be better but just can't make it happen. Just DANCE when nothing really excites you more than anything else, and you just don't like what you see reflecting in the mirror! JUST DANCE . . .

Hope you get a chance to look it up (it's on YouTube) and enjoy it. Maybe you can share it with Kenzie too.

Sharlee said...

WOW! What a beautiful post! Mackenzie is so lucky to have such an amazing mom! I love your outlook!

butterflymom said...

Hi Kendra,
You have done it again....you have touched my heart and my soul. You have made me realize all the good that Kenzie and my little Kennedy have given us. I can't wait to dance with my little girl now too. By the way, I love your blog so much that I have given you a "lovely blog award." Please check my blog out sometime soon.
Hugs to you, Ryan and Kenzie,
Alissa

brigette said...

What a great post!! I gave you a blog award on my blog. Hop over to check it out and spread the love! Your awesome Kendra

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