Wednesday, September 29, 2010

bottle a memory

1 year ago today I wrote THIS post.  Oh how life has changed. I wish I would have written more like that post. I wish I would have documented more details. I wish I would have explained what we were doing everyday. I wish I would have taken more pictures. I wish I had a picture of her with everyone who loved her. I wish I had a better picture of her and I. I wish I would have taken a picture of her butt, the back of head, her arm pits, under her chin, the backs of her knees, the bottom of her feet. I could wish and wish forever. I could wish and wish THAT post was still my reality today. Its not. Because this life happened. Because there was another plan. Life is at a point that I am starting to forget. My whole life I have pushed hurt and pain out of my head. I cant handle it. I cant deal with it. If you hurt me I want to forget you. I got pretty good with it.  Sometimes I still have to remind myself my Mom was once married and had a husband and he was my Dad. I haven't called someone that word DAD in 10 years, I have forgotten. When it comes to death I never want to forget but I find myself still forgetting. Maybe its me. Maybe its life. Maybe that's what happens to us as humans. We forget things that are not there all the time. Daily tasks take over and before you know it those details are gone.  I have tried more than I have ever tried to not forget her details. Whats hard is to remember those details I didn't think I needed to pay attention to. Those details I thought I would have for forever. The backs of her knees, The bottoms of their feet, Her bum. They would be mine forever. I could look at them everyday if I wanted for the rest of my life. I would never need to savor her smell because I would always be able to smell her. I wouldn't need to remember her farts or burps because she would follow in her Dads gassy footsteps and do those things often.  I wouldn't need to put everything on hold to hold my crying daughter who just wanted to be held because I would be able to hold her for the rest of my life. Oh how that has changed. In THAT post. I never thought I would say goodbye. I never thought I would be here a year later without her in my arms. Not being able to smell her, tickle her, change that poopy butt.  One of the many songs we loved was "it wont be like this for long" by darius rucker.  I always loved that song and thought oh my. Before I know it, Kenzie will be in school, then in her teens, then married. I was so worried she would hate me one day and worry what those teen years would look like. I always  thought those moments would end by her growing up. Now they are over. I will live the rest of my life with all the memories ill ever have of her already complete. I want to bottle them up. I want to keep them safe in a box. I am panicked when I think my house could catch on fire because what would I bring? Her whole room. I need everything in there. I need that self, that book, that light, that old sock, that hanger, that toy, that blanket, that picture, that everything. That room hasn't been changed. Nothing. The hamper is still full of those same dirty clothes, that diaper pail is still full of those same dirty diapers, those empty frames are still empty. Her room is just as she left it on November 17th 2009. To expect to keep it that way forever is a silly thought. To think we will live in that house much longer is a silly thought. To think I can keep every detailed memory is just a silly thought. Those memories are in my head and I just don't know how to accurately get them on paper. I try to start now.

i miss watching her in the rear view mirror of my car. I got another mirror facing her so i could see her at all times. i never focused much on the road... she always looked so perfect. i would get frustrated when her bow wasn't straight in the mirror. it would irritate me and i couldn't look away until i finally got to where i was going and i would fix it.  there was a few times she would start screaming and i would look back and think she sunk into her car seat weird and pull over in a panic thinking she was falling out only to realize i was looking at her bow covering her eyes! she was still strapped in and fine but that damn bow was making her look like someone from star trek. her hands would always go to the sides of her car seat. down the little space around her butt. if they weren't there they would be in her face. she hated being in her car seat the last few months. she would scream and arch her back until we would get on the freeway.  i know now that it was because she had trouble breathing in that thing.  she would calm down if i tucked her blanket around her face. nothing was showing but her little head. she loved that blanket. it was always a comfort next to her cheeks. we had 1 toy hanging from her car seat but it never impressed her. it was more annoying for us because it was a bell type toy and would jingle throughout the car ride. she HATED more than anything the sun in her eyes. there was many times i would maneuver myself around to shield her eyes from the sun while driving. i would twist and turn my body so i could be her personal visor. she always wanted to look around and see. she did well with her sun glasses. they helped the sun a little. only 1 pair would ever stay on her face. the others were a waste of  money. her head was to little to keep them on. she didn't like her car seat covered so we could never do that to keep the sun out. my only option was to cover he with my hand from afar. if she would get really upset i would reach back and hold her and or stroke her face. it usually calmed her down. lots of times i would have to hold her binky in while i drove as well. that was tricky. i usually had 2-3 other binkies up front with me because without fail she would spit one out while i was on the freeway and i couldn't find it.  she loved her binks. there was a few times she was so angry and hungry that i would make a bottle while driving and feet it to her. (okay I'm not looking like a good driver here WOW.. please don't come at me)


Chels said...


In yout post last year you wrote "I wonder if she will change the world??" She did. She is and always will be amazing as are you.

Love, Chels

PS its not silly to want to keep things just as she left them.

Emma said...

I was just coming to write what Chels did. You wondered if she would change the world, I think you as a mother have always known she was special, that she would. She has changed this world and so many people in it and I know through her story you and Kenzie will continue to change the world. I am so appreciative we have your blog to share that with you. Hugs, Em

Mike and Jenna said...

I was just coming to write that as well :) Kenzie did change sooooo many people's world.. She is amazing and so are YOU!! I <3 you so much and I am very lucky to say I know you! xoxoxoxo

Alerie said...

You are amazing and an amazing mother to Makenzie. Then, now and always will be!! AND yes, she did change the world. What a special little girl!! Much love!!


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