missing my daughter

I am missing you like crazy today.
I am imagining your arms, your legs, your butt. I cant stop thinking about your lips. Oh how I want to kiss those lips. I wish we had more time. I wonder what your doing. Do you laugh everyday? Does Grandpa carry you around on his shoulders? Do you sleep in Grandmas arms? Is God giving you kisses? What is heaven like? What do you do up there? Is it all white and your walking on clouds or does it look like this world?
Ryan and I agree that balloons never pop in heaven so you and all those other angels must be going nuts over the rooms of balloons :) I think about you watching them. I think about you meeting new friends. Other friends that are with you to soon as well. Do you all watch your Moms and Dads all day or are you to busy having fun? I hope your to busy having fun. I would much rather that. I hope you are so busy with play time, being tickled, getting zerberts and smiling that your to busy to think about anything else.

I say your boyfriend last night. I think about how big you would have been. I think about the things you would be doing. Its so strange to think I'm not going to have that experience with you until I go back to heaven. It hurts me to know that. I miss being a Mom. I miss having someone to take care of. I miss being your hero. I miss being the one who did it all. I know I'm still your Mom but your not here. I'm not being your Mom. I got sick to my stomach the other day while driving, a sudden overwhelming pain came over me when I realized I'm not being a Mom anymore. Why is it that its taken almost 6 months to realize that. How has it almost been that long? I wish I could have taught you more.

I found my "Mom" book that I put together while I was pregnant with you. Its full of ideas from magazines that I wanted to remember as you grew up. It had everything from healthy snack ideas to how to stop tantrums. Oh how I wish you would throw a tantrum. That would be the sweetest sound right now. To hear you scream and yell and throw a fit until you got your way because it would be then that I would realize you are here and REAL. I promise I would have worked at being a better Mom everyday. I would have done everything I needed to so that you would have the best life possible. I promise I would have had patience, I would have listened and more than anything I would have showed you how much I absolutely adore you every day. I miss being your Mom. I miss waking up in the middle of the night, I miss doing your laundry, I miss buying diapers, I miss smelling your hair after a bath, I miss changing your diaper, I miss spending way to much money on clothes and bows and shoes for you. I had to stop myself at every gift shop last weekend from buying you something. I wanted to buy you so many things. I kept thinking you would probably be in almost 12 month clothes so I better just buy 12-18 month stuff. You would have come with us. I wouldn't have left you at home. I never did. I wanted you to be a part of everything we were. I didn't need to go out to the bar, I didn't need alone time, We didn't need date night, I didn't need a break, I didn't need any of that because all I needed was you.

I miss carrying your car seat, I miss looking in my rear view mirror and seeing you in the car seat mirror, I miss hearing your funny sounds, I miss running out of clean socks, I miss having a messy house because I spent all my day with you- now its just messy because I'm lazy... I miss stepping on toys, I miss smelling your butt to check if you pooped, I miss you sucking on my finger until it looked like a prune, I miss having Harley chew up another binky and bottle, I miss buying you new bottles, I miss bath time.
Oh how I miss being your Mother. I wish I could hear that laugh again, see that smile again, take care of you for the rest of my life. I wish I could have heard you say Mama.