Wednesday, June 9, 2010

missing my daughter

I am missing you like crazy today.
I am imagining your arms, your legs, your butt. I cant stop thinking about your lips. Oh how I want to kiss those lips. I wish we had more time. I wonder what your doing. Do you laugh everyday? Does Grandpa carry you around on his shoulders? Do you sleep in Grandmas arms? Is God giving you kisses? What is heaven like? What do you do up there? Is it all white and your walking on clouds or does it look like this world?
Ryan and I agree that balloons never pop in heaven so you and all those other angels must be going nuts over the rooms of balloons :) I think about you watching them. I think about you meeting new friends. Other friends that are with you to soon as well. Do you all watch your Moms and Dads all day or are you to busy having fun? I hope your to busy having fun. I would much rather that. I hope you are so busy with play time, being tickled, getting zerberts and smiling that your to busy to think about anything else.

I say your boyfriend last night. I think about how big you would have been. I think about the things you would be doing. Its so strange to think I'm not going to have that experience with you until I go back to heaven. It hurts me to know that. I miss being a Mom. I miss having someone to take care of. I miss being your hero. I miss being the one who did it all. I know I'm still your Mom but your not here. I'm not being your Mom. I got sick to my stomach the other day while driving, a sudden overwhelming pain came over me when I realized I'm not being a Mom anymore. Why is it that its taken almost 6 months to realize that. How has it almost been that long? I wish I could have taught you more.

I found my "Mom" book that I put together while I was pregnant with you. Its full of ideas from magazines that I wanted to remember as you grew up. It had everything from healthy snack ideas to how to stop tantrums. Oh how I wish you would throw a tantrum. That would be the sweetest sound right now. To hear you scream and yell and throw a fit until you got your way because it would be then that I would realize you are here and REAL. I promise I would have worked at being a better Mom everyday. I would have done everything I needed to so that you would have the best life possible. I promise I would have had patience, I would have listened and more than anything I would have showed you how much I absolutely adore you every day. I miss being your Mom. I miss waking up in the middle of the night, I miss doing your laundry, I miss buying diapers, I miss smelling your hair after a bath, I miss changing your diaper, I miss spending way to much money on clothes and bows and shoes for you. I had to stop myself at every gift shop last weekend from buying you something. I wanted to buy you so many things. I kept thinking you would probably be in almost 12 month clothes so I better just buy 12-18 month stuff. You would have come with us. I wouldn't have left you at home. I never did. I wanted you to be a part of everything we were. I didn't need to go out to the bar, I didn't need alone time, We didn't need date night, I didn't need a break, I didn't need any of that because all I needed was you.

I miss carrying your car seat, I miss looking in my rear view mirror and seeing you in the car seat mirror, I miss hearing your funny sounds, I miss running out of clean socks, I miss having a messy house because I spent all my day with you- now its just messy because I'm lazy... I miss stepping on toys, I miss smelling your butt to check if you pooped, I miss you sucking on my finger until it looked like a prune, I miss having Harley chew up another binky and bottle, I miss buying you new bottles, I miss bath time.
Oh how I miss being your Mother. I wish I could hear that laugh again, see that smile again, take care of you for the rest of my life. I wish I could have heard you say Mama.

8 comments :

derek, allie, emma , & bradyn said...

Oh Kendra! How my heart aches for you today.
I don't know what I could say to bring you the smallest amount of relief.
I love you SO much. I loved seeing you last night. I always love when I get to see my K!
I'm here for anything you'd ever need!!!
Love, A

chelsieaw said...

Kendra,

Your the best mom ever. I strive to be as good as a mom as you were and still are. You will forever be her mother. I'm sorry life throws us curve balls and no they are just not fair. But stay strong and know we are all praying for you and Ryan to get through this time in your lives.

Thinking of you,
Chels

Emma said...

My heart is aching for you, for this loss I can't even imagine. I am so sorry you are in this position of having to miss Kenzie, no mother, no parent, should ever have to feel this way.
You are such an incredible Mom, wish such an incredible love...I too wish you were able to do all those little things you miss. Please dont' forget all you are doing. No, i know it isn't the same and doesn't ease the pain but you are still doing so much for your sweet girl and she knows and feels you love!
I remember saying to Kristen long ago that Georgia would have enough balloons to be bouncing in a big ball pit by then, and I know Kenzie is joining her, jumping and having a wonderful time! Oh how I wish they were both here, but you are both so amazing and doing so many incredible things that I know why you were chosen to be their mothers!
Sending you love and hugs today, as always, Em

Allison said...

Kendra,

I've met you once at your mom's house and occassionally I check your blog. My cousin just had and lost a baby about 2 weeks ago and on her blog she has this beautiful poem. I thought I would share it with you. I don't know you or your family much but from your words you and your husband and beautiful daughter are a sweet family. Maybe some similar words from this poem were spoken to all those angels that are only on this earth for a short time. Here is the link to the poem/blog:
http://thelindsaychronicles5.blogspot.com/
You are a wonderful mom. You hold all the love in the world.

kmk said...

Hi Kendra- You also dont know me but I found your amazing blog not to long ago and stayed up hour after hour reading your story, I hurt for you so much. Funny thing is just the other night I zoomed in on your picture so I could see what you looked like a little better just in case I ever ran into you so I could tell you in person how amazing you are. The next evening I am at Boondocks with my family in walks you- (Im pretty sure) I almost couldnt believe my eyes. I wanted to run up to you and give you a hug and tell you thanks for being so amazing. I couldnt do it I was a coward and could not find any words to say to such an incredible person I had never met that had lost her most precious gift, I wish I would have been able to tell you in person how inspiring you are. I wish I would have taken the opportunity because things like that dont happen by chance. You help me to be a better person and mom every day. You will be with her again I know she is looking down on you and is so proud of her mama. Thank you for being amazing.

Alerie said...

This whole post was heart wrenching, but that last sentence really pulled at my heart. I wish more than anything you were able to do all of these things and hear her say mama. I can't wait for the day that you get to hear that. It will be an amazing day for sure!! I hope you know just how amazing you are and what a wonderful mama you are!! Always thinking of you and praying for you!! Much love!!

brigette said...

Kendra, so sorry for your pain. You are amazing and so strong. I bet Kenzie says mama from heaven as she watches over you. Thank you for being so honest and open. You are amazing!

Cox Family said...

This last weekend my boys got some balloons from chik fil a and they decided they wanted to let them go up to the sky. I smiled and thought of Makenzie, thinking of how she and all the other angel babies would be there to catch them

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