Friday, June 25, 2010

11 months

11 months!
Holy Moly Poly.
Where has the time gone?
Oh Kenz again I am late on your bday letter.
I'm not so good at keeping up with that- but know, on that day, all day- I was only thinking about you.
I cant believe you would be almost 1.
Your party would have been planned, your friends would be invited, your cake would have been designed, your presents would have been bought, your outfit would have been ordered.
What a party it would have been.
Fairy Themed.
We would have had the colors bright pink, bright green and peach.
You would have had a cake that was all those colors with polka dots.
I picked out the outfit you would wear about a month after I found out I was having a girl.
*yes I planned it that far in advance, but didn't order it, just bookmarked it*
Its pretty perfect. See HERE..
Big, Over the Top, Loud- of course, a must!
It would have been at a park.
Some of the fun would have been-
:marshmello pops:
:pin the wings on the fairy:
:fairy treat bags:
:bubble making machine:
:homemade fairy wands:
:glitter- tons and tons of glitter:
:twinkle Christmas lights everywhere:
:tutus:
:wings:
:slippers:
:fairy dust:
-magic-

You would have had an amazing time. 
I wish you were crawling around our house getting into everything!
I wish I would have needed to use those plug protectors I bought.
I wish you would be eating us out of house and home
because your super picky and will only eat the expensive stuff!

Life was amazing with you.
It felt like a whole lifetime. I guess it was. It was your whole life time.
It just felt like it was longer than 4 months.
It felt like it was my whole life.
I cant think of life before and its hard for me to live life after.
You were the start and you are the end.

I'm trying. everyday. to be better.
I'm living for you.
to make sure everyone knows your name.
to help find a cure for your disease so no one else has to go through this.
so other babies will see their 1st birthday.
i hope you will be proud.
and when i see you again, in a billion years, don't you ever let me go.
hold me tight-ill squeeze you for years.
get your wiggles, dances and play time out because your all mine when i see you again.
oh how i love you.
with every fiber of my being.

8 comments :

brigette said...

Every picture you have of her is so sweet!! Im sorry shes not here with you its just not fair. Her party sounds like its of been amazing and that dress oh my goodness!! I know the party you are throwing will still be amazing and kenzie will be watching from above so proud of her mama and daddy!! Much love today!

Candace said...

LOVE that picture

Emma said...

What a pic, what a beauty! Kenzie is already so proud of you and Ryan, without question!! I am sorry the party you imagined isn't what is happening. You and Ryan deserve it and your sweet Kenzie deserved it and because of that we will all fight to find a cure for this cruel disease!
I have no doubt Kenzie will love having you hold her, squeeze her and never let her go, I can only imagine how beautiful seeing your little girl again will be for you...just remember she absolutely feels your love, sees your love in all you do.
Thinking of you always, Em
PS the dress is adorable, so over the top fantastic, I can see why you picked it! :-)

debbie said...

That dress is awesome. Kenzie is gorgeous. She is so lucky you are her mama!

Alerie said...

Oh my goodness that picture of her is AMAZING!! It is so stinkin' cute!! But that is not hard to do when you have the perfect baby girl to photograph. I am so sorry that the 1st birthday you planned for her will not be happening. It sure sounds amazing!! AND that dress pretty much doesn't even have a perfect word to describe it because it is so dang cute!! I LOVE stuff like that though. I know that it doesn't take any of the sadness or want of having that 1st birthday party, but know that you are still throwing her an amazing 1st birthday in honor of her. I am always thinking of you and Ryan and praying for you daily. Much love!!

AJ and Cindy said...

I love that dress, so pretty!You are the best mommy ;) Kenzie is very proud of you I just know it. I hope to meet you next month for Kenzie Day! It is on my calendar :) PS...your sister and my husband graduated together, she introduced herself at their 10 year class reunion :)

Gina said...

You ARE THE MOST AMAZING Mommy!!!! I do not know you, but wish I had so many qualities you have. I pray for you ever time I think of you, Kenzie, and your whole family.
The dress is gorgeous. The party sounds nothing but PERFECT.
Kenzie is, and will always be proud of you.
Sending hugs and prayers*

Gaspegirl said...

Your words are perfect, your pain is real and I hope that you find strength and healing in documenting your feelings on your blog. Kenzie is, no doubt, just as happy to have been your daughter as you are to be her Mom!

(((hugs)))

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