thanksgiving eve

happy first thanksgiving my little peanut...
i know this was not what we thought would be happening when you saw your first turkey or smelled your first pumpkin pie but for right now in this moment i couldn't be more grateful for you.

i wish more than anything i could take this pain away from you. i wish i could lay in that bed instead of you. i wish i could get all those iv's in my arms and legs instead of you. i wish i could be the one struggling to breath instead of you. i wish i was the one that didn't know what life would be for me tomorrow let alone next year. you are my inspiration makenzie. you are keeping me going and making me grow. sometimes i wish i didn't have to grow this way. i wish we were home and i was enjoying you eating your first foods and learning to roll over instead of laying in this hospital bed trying just to gain weight and become strong.

i cry when they poke you with needles, you cry a little then stop and look at me like I'm crazy.
i cry when they tell me they just don't know what life, if any, you will have. you look at me and smile because you don't care about any moment but right now.
i cry when i see both your hands covered with an iv in each one. you find a way to still get a thumb or finger tip in your mouth which is all you want.
your teaching me so much baby.

although we maybe having our struggles, i cant forget about our blessings.
we are blessed to have THE best doctor to help SMA right here in Utah.
we are blessed to have unbelievable family who love us unconditionally.
we are blessed to have incredible friends who are so supportive.
we are blessed to have wonderful nurses and doctors who fall in love with our baby every time they see her.
we are blessed to live in a state where we can be close to a hospital who is helping our baby.
we are blessed to have a partner to walk hand in hand with through this whole process.
we are beyond blessed to have this beautiful girl who is still very much with us and will not be giving up anytime soon.

for this thanksgiving i hope everyone really realizes how good we all have it. i hope we can all have a wonderful day, get fat and be with our loved ones.