pray

when im stressed, scared, afraid, mad i like to write. i have all those emotions x 10.
makenzie has not been getting better since her last trip to the er. she has actually been getting worse. i have kept in contact with her nurse and we have tried different medications along with changing other habits like propping up her bed so she sleeps on an angle, trying to get her to drink slowly. nothing is working... i finally made an apt. with her pediatrician- that was yesterday. she knew as soon as she walked in the door something is not right. she kept telling me she didn't like how things looked, she was nervous. she told me she wanted to admit makenzie right then but didn't know where- she said she though of just doing i there (imc hospital) or sending me up to primary children's. she hooked kenz up to some oxygen monitors to observe her for about an hour. she came back in and said she doesn't want to admit us because we would be sitting in the er all day. the ent (ear, nose throat) doc was totally packed all day so we would be waiting until 4 ish to see him anyway. we scheduled a meeting with him after hours because kenz needed to be seen today. on our way up to primary children's to see dr. ent i got a call. it was a very sweet young girl asking to get all of makenzies health information for her surgery tomorrow. umm... no one told me she was going to have surgery.... of course i had a little panic session in the car- good thing ryan was driving! i still gave her all kenzies info knowing we would hear exactly what they were planning to do with our baby in a few minutes with dr. ent.
we didn't wait long but it was long for me... sitting there thinking why she is going to need surgery. dr. ent and his helper resident came in the room. he was the same ent that saw kenzie at primarys when we were there at the beginning of the month. he sat down with us for a full hour explaining everything that was going on, what will happen and answering every question we had. he was awesome. he made me feel very calm about everything. then came the sad part- i had to hold makenzie down while they stuck a tube the size of a pencil up her nose and down her throat. it was a camera so they could see whats going on down there.
she has a very bad case of laryngomalacia as well as reflux.
whats been going on:
-squeaks when she breathes, she is very loud
-her chest protrudes when she breathes. it rises and sinks like she is gasping for air all the time
-she has been having blue spells which means she cant get a breath
-she is not gaining weight. she weighs 9.8... at 2 months she weighed 9.5
-she isn't eating much, usually 1-2 oz. a feeding
-she is tired alllll the time.
-arches her back in pain
-burps very loud adult burps that shake her body
-throws up mucus, not milk. its very slimy...
-crys after feeding
i know you look at this list and think, why the hell didnt you take her to the er everyday? well my answer- she has had many of this since she was born, i was assured on many occasions its due to reflux or her laryngomalacia. they would tell me she will grow out of it.. i took her to the er and they kept her overnight. couldn't find anything and said to just watch it. i have been in touch with her doc. and they tried to treat it with medication. it slowly got worse, not all the sudden so it was harder for me to see since I'm with her all the time. i cant tell you how many times i cried not sure what to do....
i couldn't sleep last night. i kept thinking about what might happen. i kept praying for her. i cant imagine something going wrong. i just want her to come home with me.
this morning we will be checking in at primary childrens.
kenzie will be put under and they will take her away.
they are going to cut the skin around her vocal cords off.
(they think that skin is closing over her air way causing her not to be able to breath)
they will also go down her throat to see if she has a narrow airway - we are praying she doesn't because if that's the case there will be many many more problems.
if all goes well she should be done within an hour.
we are already scheduled to stay overnight at least one night. we will see how it goes.
I'm scared to death... i sit here with my baby who is helping me write this as we speak. she keeps talking to me and smiling. she is so amazing.
she couldn't eat anymore after midnight last night but she could have pedialite this morning.
wow... a new taste. she couldn't decide if she liked it or not. she would make a funny face then eat, funny face then eat. until her bottle was gone :)
she is to cute. i love her. she is my world.
ill keep praying- please pray for her.
ill update as soon as possible.