a look back...

The weekend before Makenzie came to the hospital I was desperate to get this girl to just eat. If you don't remember, after her surgery on Nov. 6 she didn't want to eat at all anymore. She would fight and fight. I didn't know what else to do. In an attempt to plump my skin and bones baby up I gave her rice cereal. Yeah that didn't go any better. She maybe got a small taste down her throat but spit it out. I still thought she looked pretty cute eating her first foods!




I love this last picture of her. She has the sweetest face I have ever seen and this picture just makes me laugh. I was having a hard moment this evening watching my little girl lay in that bed, unable to hold her, unable to feed her, unable to do a lot of the things I did with her just 2 weeks ago. I have almost forgot our life then. How is that possible to forget so fast? It seems abnormally normal to sleep in a small chair next to my baby's bed, to shower in a shared shower with gross hair on the ground, to say goodbye to Ryan every night.
We have made some big decisions these past few days. I think the hardest part of it all is that we have no other choice. I'm so used to having a choice and making a decision based on what I feel is best, this time, its not possible. Our world has completely changed, we are doing things and making sacrifices we swore 2 weeks ago we would never make. When we are suddenly faced with our daughters life its doesn't even cross our mind what we are doing and what is going to happen until it you have a silent moment. You sit back and realize what is going to now be happening and its so scary. We are doing things we never dreamed of doing. I know you say when your outside of a situation, I would do anything for this person or that person esp. when it comes to your child. Its now here and we are doing that. I don't think you could ever imagine that feeling unless you are in it. I love Makenzie with all my heart. She is why we are doing this. As I sat there holding her tiny fingers, rubbing her tiny legs, kissing her tiny ears it amazed me to actually think, I would live on the street with nothing to make sure she is taken care of.
** Tomorrow at noon they are attempting to extubate her (take her breathing tube out). They are not sure how it will go and what will happen. Her vocal cords are still very much in question and we don't know if they are going to still be paralyzed closed. If that's the case she will go back on the breathing tube until they can figure out what we will do next. I'm just hoping she will do good without it. I want to hold her so badly. I am not thinking farther than that right now.