joy

(I put this pic on here just because I liked it, has nothing to do with my post)

This morning I woke up, started getting ready and I had this really weird feeling to go over and just hug Ryan. Normally I didn't think anything of it because we always show each other love but I just felt I had to do it NOW. I gave him a hug and I couldn't let go. As I stood there hugging him I realized how long its been since I just hugged him. Held onto him and took in how much love I have for him.
Since Makenzie came along I didn't realize how much we put ourselves into her. When we walk in the door its a quick hug and kiss to each other before we run to her. When we go about our day its centered around caring for her. When we go to bed at night its revolved around getting her down and running to bed to get as much sleep as possible before we have to get up in a few hours. I just stood there this morning and to my surprise Ryan didn't say okay that's enough like he used to when I held on for to long he just stood there and held me back. I broke down and just thanked him for being here, for being Makenzies Dad and for stepping up to love her unconditionally. It may sound weird that I am thanking him for being a Dad (his job right) but its more than that for me. I have always believed we are given the trials in our life for a reason, we are meant to go through what we go through because we need to. There were times I have not been able to understand why life has lead me down the path it has. When I'm having a debbie downer moment I try to snap out of it and realize that I do have a good life and it could be worse but in some moments its harder for me to come out of that questioning life moment.
Since Makenzie was born I felt it was my responsibility to give her all the unconditional love possible and no matter what I was going to make SURE Ryan did to. No matter what he WOULD hold her for so long, he WOULD kiss her so many times, he WOULD look at her when he was holding her... I wouldn't let him do what he wanted or thought was best. I guess I figured he wouldn't know how and you better believe my daughter WOULD have her Daddy.
I cant count how many times I wished my Dad would have been a Dad. I wish he would have loved me and my family. I wish so badly I could have had a Dad who was there not to hurt us but to protect us form being hurt. But like I said its reality and in my world that was not suppose to be in the cards.
Maybe it was because when I was hold onto Ryan this morning I couldn't explain how much joy and happiness I felt when I realized our Makenzie will have that in her life. She will be able to know unconditional love and she will be able to have a Dad who is HER Dad. I don't have to force Ryan, he is completely in love with her on his own. I think I would have taken for granted Ryan's love for Makenzie if my life was another way.