4 years ago today I wrote THIS post...
I described what I imagined heaven being like. I read over those words I wrote at that time and cant help but laugh... Laugh at that person. Who was that person? What did I imagine Heaven being? Full of country music and rainbows? A place I could spin over and over on some bar?
I remember those feelings then. I remember thinking how amazing that would be. That if Makenzie needed to go somewhere I would want her to go there.
When you ask me today what I imagine heaven being... I just want to scream.
Because I cant imagine. I have no idea. I wonder daily where she is. What its like there. and dare I say I still have moments wondering if there is such a place.
Over the last 4 years I have spent hours... days... months wracking my brain and even the Internet trying to find the answer to this question. I have had people try to tell me what they believe heaven is.
Usually I get upset with their response. Its never good enough.
At the end of the day I do believe there has to be something else out there. I believe God is real and I do believe there has to be some kind of heaven. To what this "HEAVEN" is... I wish I knew.
I wish I knew who was taking care of my Makenzie. I wish I knew who was surrounding her. I wish I knew who was kissing her goodnight. I wish I knew what she looked like.
Reading what I wrote I thought heaven was 4 years ago makes my stomach sick. Even when I wrote that I never imagined Makenzie actually going there. and even when I knew she was going to heaven I never could have imagined how I would feel when she left.
You try to prepare yourself. You try to make this image in your head of what you hope it to be.
In those moments my focus was more on the immediate. It was not on the next day, the next week let alone 4 years down the road. I didn't really prepare myself- because there is no way to prepare. You just have no idea. I will promise you right now any emotion you think you will have you probably wont. Everything you say you will do you will do the opposite. You really just don't know. You have no idea how your heart will handle being completely smashed.
My reality is imagining on a daily- sometimes hourly- basis what Heaven is like.
What I imagine changes all the time. I guess it depends on my mood. More often than not I imagine her with my sister. I guess thinking Donette is taking care of her gives me the most comfort. She never got to have kids before she died and I imagine she would have been over the moon with her nieces and nephews. More often than not I imagine someone singing or reading to her. I imagine someone helping her looking out maybe-- a window-- to earth. Telling her who her Mum and Dad are. Letting her check in on her brother.
and every. single. night. when I say prayers with Tracker and I stroke his head and kiss him for the last time I imagine his sister laying next to him.
Sometimes I imagine heaven being some beautiful place full of rainbows, balloons and country songs... but these last 4 years have made me not as certain about that image and more certain about heaven being here. With us. Doing things everyday to help us, protect us, make us smile and bless us.
I imagine Makenzie doesn't leave her brother very often. at least I hope not.
I wish I knew exactly all the who, what, when and where when it comes to Makenzie. I wish I could have all the answers and I never had to wonder. but I guess if I had all the answers there wouldn't be much point in living apart. There wouldn't be a reason for earthly life and heavenly life. I guess that would just throw everything out the window. and for all the lessons and tasks and duties we have to do here on earth, we have to keep them separate.