It seems to be the same each year.
The days leading up to the actual day are always harder than the day.
Maybe its just remembering what was going on 3 years ago.
Maybe its all the anticipation.
Maybe its just knowing another year is about to pass.
Whatever it is. The week before was a hard one.
I have been missing my girl with all my heart.
I have been wishing we could have had more time together.
I wish I could have gotten to know her more.
Learned more of what her personality would have blossomed into.
Every year I never want her birthday or her angel day to turn into a sad sappy day where I feel sorry for myself. Ryan is always good about understanding this and feels the same way and so far we have done pretty good about keeping this up.
I have spent months trying to figure out what we should do on this angel day to make it special and to remember our girl. I love doing service this time of year and tried to contact several different organizations to volunteer at but seriously--- every place I called or emailed said they were booked with volunteers for the 13th. It made me happy to know so many people are helping others but it made it difficult to figure out what we should do. I found some ideas of things Ryan and I will do throughout the coming year so I at least got something out of my search... but anyway we finally decided instead of doing a group service project that evening. Ryan and I would spend the day RAK - ing people.
aka: doing Random acts of kind service.
It was just days before the 13th and my sweet friend Ashley posted about people doing this for her little girls birthday in honor of her. She had this cute little hand out all made up so I decided to combine efforts and do them on the 13th and also the 17th which is little Preslee's birthday.
Cutest things ever right?
Well I had a couple ideas of things I wanted to do which were not so random but still nice gestures...
We handed out these goody bags to the homeless.
They were nothing special but just a little something.
Water, crystal light, suckers, granola bar, toothbrush, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, gum and dried fruit.
and we made sure to keep an eye out and help others whenever we could.
opening doors, paying for other peoples lunch, giving hugs, handing out water, smiling... just to name a few. Most of these things we didn't hand out the paper but when we paid for some lunches we had the waitress take their tab and replace it with this paper so it was anonymous to them.
It was amazing to see some peoples reactions. Something simple. So easy. Made a world of difference.
We took the leggings to the hospital before heading out to the cemetery.
All 969 pairs as well as books, blankets, hats, socks and a few toys that were donated.
Its a wonderful feeling knowing these will be put to good use.
Its never easy going to the hospital but especially hard on this day.
Remembering walking out of there 3 years ago empty handed.
Having just said goodbye to our little girl.
That part will never get easier.
After the drop off we picked up our order of 148 balloons.
148 days we held our sweet Makenzie.
This is the 3rd year ordering them from the same place and the same girl has helped us every year and always remembers who we are and asks how this last year has been. She is the sweetest.
We get a few looks as we walk out with a few bundles this size...
Then its over to the cemetery.
I hate that we had to add names to our angel list.
Angels that all went to soon in life.
It completely breaks my heart how many other Dads and Mums have to know this pain. How many of them have had to plan a funeral. Have had to say goodbye to their baby.
.If you know a little angel that's not on this list please let me know so I can add them for next year.
Its a sweet feeling to say each and everyone of these names. Say them out loud. Writing them down.
They are so missed and they will never be forgotten.
I hope they all had an amazing celebration and loved their balloon.
We held them over with cookies. Ill remember the coffee and hot chocolate next year because it was freezing. We all tried to stay bundled best as possible.
-Tracker was amazed with all the balloons and lanterns-
... and then we sent off 36 lanterns for 36 months in heaven. Its the coolest thing to see.
After our celebration and after everyone was good and frozen those that could make it went to dinner.
I love being with all of these people who have been through it all with us.
Its such an amazing feeling to see them help us remember and celebrate our little girls life.
Its completely overwhelming how much I miss her. Its almost crippling at times. but I am so thankful to have such amazing people to help us along the way. I am thankful to have the most amazing husband who is my everything. and I am thankful to be given the gift of having another little life to fill my days.
Makenzie is my hope. She is what I look forward to. She is what brings me the greatest comfort.
I realized the other night what an amazing place she is in.
Sometimes I forget.
but what I need to forever remember is heaven knows no pain. No sadness. No tears.
She is with God.
All my fears of how she is and if I am doing enough for her now. If I am being a good enough Mum for what she needs of me now... I need to remember she only knows the good. She knows my heart. She knows the love I have for her and she knows my job is to take care of her little brother right now.
I talk to her every day. I tell her I love her and miss her every single day. Many times a day.
We talk about her.
She will never ever be forgotten and she will always be missed.
She doesn't know anything but the love I have for her. She knows what is to come. She knows what our life will be when I am finally reunited with her. Her mind is not on whats right now. On this earthly life. She knows it all. I am so thankful for that. That she can see what is to come. That she knows she will soon be with her Mum and I will never let her go.
Makenzie Rye, I love you. I love what we had. I love the connection we made. I will do my very best and work everyday to be the best person I can be so I can be with you again.
I cant wait for that day. The day I can kiss your face.
Oh how I love you.
I hope you had a wonderful celebration on your 3rd anniversary back in heaven.
Make sure you catch all my hugs and kisses.