Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Dear Makenzie Rye,

Sweet girl how in the world has it been 3 years since I last held you? How has it been 3 years since I kissed your face and snuggled your body? Makenzie I cant believe how much I miss you. I cant believe  how much this still hurts. Not a day goes by that I don't dream of you. Imagine how life was with you. Think about the funny faces you would make or that incredible smile. I miss looking into your eyes. I miss feeling your skin. I miss you. I need you my love. I need you. I have been having such a hard time balancing my aching and longing for you and this new found enjoyment and happiness with your brother. Its so hard to go back and forth. I want it all. I want him but I want you. I want you to be here with me. I want to have my 3 year old little girl in my home. I want to tuck you in every night. I want to read you stories. I want you to help me with the baby. I was so worried comparing Tracker to you would be so hard and not fair for either of you before he came. Now its something I love. I love finding you in him and I love that you both look so much alike. I cant tell you how many times ill look down at him and feel like I'm looking at you. Its such a weird feeling. I love it. but it also makes me crazy how much I missed with you. All those signs I should have seen. How in the world did I miss it all? How did I let you hurt for so long? Why didn't I push more? Why didn't I demand answers? I pray every single day you were not in constant pain. That you weren't struggling as much as my mind is making me think. Tracker has already done so much more than you- developmental wise- you still have him beat with the way you changed the world :)
but seeing him hit milestones that you never did breaks my heart. He is much bigger than you ever were and I just cant believe how tiny you were. Why did I never see that then? Your Daddy and I talk about this all the time. Seeing something new with Tracker every day and seeing that you never did that. It took me a while to see him do things you didn't. I guess in my mind you were doing those things but in reality you weren't. Your Dad saw differences in the early weeks of Trackers life. I didn't start seeing differences until more recent. I am thankful I see differences for the fact that he isn't sick. but every good thing about him makes me think of you. It makes me miss you.
Makenzie its been 3 years. 3 long years of a life you have been in but not physically. 3 years of us praying. 3 years of pictures. 3 years of videos. 3 years of tears. 3 years of sleepless nights. 3 years of missing. 3 years of visiting a cemetery. How is this our life? How is it that I still cant grasp this. How is it that I am still so confused? That I am consistently going back and forth on my feelings... Makenzie my love. I miss you. I hate that I have forgotten details about you. I am sorry I didn't savor every second of your life like I should have. I am sorry I didn't see you hurting. I am sorry I didn't fight harder. Please know I did my best at the time. I had no idea what I was doing and what I should be watching out for. I never in my wildest dreams thought this would happen. That you would be this sick. That you would leave us. Please know you still hold my heart. You still hold so much of my dreams and my happiness. You will be my future. We will be together again.
Makenzie I don't feel as close to you. I don't know what has happened. but I don't like it. I try every day to change it. I try to pray harder. longer. I try to have better faith. I try to ask God in a different way. I try to help other people and serve. I want to feel close to you again. I need to feel you every second of the day- not just in the moments I stop and work at it. Why has it changed?
I am trying to show you everyday how much I love you. The best way I do that is talking about you. Tracker loves when I say your name. He loves when I talk about sister. He loves when I ask him if he see's you. He loves when I put him in front of your picture. Please stay close to him. Please help him in life and please keep him safe. I need him. I need him to get through this life so I can get to you.
Thank you for sending him to me. I'm sure that wasn't easy. He is a pretty fun boy. I am sure you 2 were having the time of your life together. So thank you for letting me have him. He came at a time I needed him the most. I find myself so lost without you. You were such a beacon of light and I hate when I cant see that light. Am I doing something wrong? What has changed in the last 3 years?
I will keep working at it. I will never give up. You are the reason I will keep fighting for that light. I need to find you. I need to be with you. Whenever that day may be. I will be with you again.

Makenzie I ask everyday to dream of you still. I wish I could. Just one night. It still hasn't happened. Not since that dream right after you died. I wish I could see you. Just for a moment. Feel you. Go back to those days when I felt like your Mom. I don't feel like it now. I know I am your mom but I don't feel like it. Tracker needs me. All the time. and I don't feel like you need me. At least in the same ways. I am trying to figure out how you need me. Maybe its just to take care of your brother. Im doing my very best. Every single day I make sure I am the best I can be to him. I have never stopped to just soak up a moment so much in my life. I tell him a million and one times how much I love him a day. I promise you I work my butt off to make sure he has a good life and he knows he is loved. I know how special he is Kenzie. He is so very special. and I promise I don't take that for granted.

I worry I don't do enough for you anymore. I don't write you as many letters. I just don't know what to say. I feel I am saying the same thing over and over. I miss you. I love you. I need you. It doesn't change. I wish our relationship could continue to develop. I wish I could tell you stories. I wish I could give you advice or answer your questions. What would you ask?

Do you remember that day in the hospital? No one came up. It was just us. I told you every story I ever imagined I would have to tell you. Seriously every story. Some were kind of awkward. I mean I didn't expect to tell my daughter so early on in life about love but I did it. I guess I felt at the time it was necessary. I don't know why. but I did. I told you about my life. I told you why your Mum is a little crazy. I told you about my childhood. I told you about each of your aunts and uncles. I told you about your Grandma's and Grandpas. I told you about all the angels who went before you. I told you about how your Dad and I met. I told you all those good and all those bad stories in our dating life. I told you how hard some of those first few months were when we got married. I told you about some of the issues we faced. I told you about you. I told you about your life. I told you how much you changed our lives.
That was a good day. I felt like a lifetime happened in just a few hours between us. You stared at me the whole day. We didn't take our eyes off each other more than a few moments. Its like you knew what I was saying and you were listening. I felt I needed to tell you more and more. I told you some funny stories and you smiled at all the right parts. We held hands and I tickled your arm and tummy. The nurses didn't bother us much that day.
When your Dad came up after work he joined in. He thought I was a little weird for telling you all of that but he just didn't understand us girls.

Makenzie, my heart hurts. I don't want another year to pass. I don't want another day to pass. I hate that every moment is a moment further away from our life together. I know I should think of it as one day closer to being with you again. and I try to remember that. but we are closer to when you left this earth than we are to when I will leave this earth. We have many more years apart and I just don't want to think of that. I want to stop my stupid memory from fading. I want to freeze what I can remember.
My sweet muffin- oh how I wish I could hold you.

Please stay close to us these next few days.  I wish it got much easier. I wish I could hold onto the same faith I once had when it came to you. I promise I'm trying. I will forever try.
You are my happily ever after. You are what I have to look forward to.

I love you to the moon.
Please dream with me baby.
I need you.
Love Mum

8 comments :

tanyab88 said...

Tomorrow will be three years since my son Jaden passed away. Whoever said time heals all wounds, never lost a child. Thinking of you and your sweet baby girl.
Tanya
PS My daughter is named Makenzie :)

Ashley said...

What a sweet, but heartbreaking letter. 3 years feels like such an eternity doesn't it?! I didn't realize that you had never dreamt of Makenzie. Erik hasn't came to me in my dreams either. I've done everything to make it happen and it just hasn't.

I'm praying for you Kendra. <3

Trinity Powell said...

That was so beautiful and sad wrapped into one. Please do not be too hard on yourself. Allow yourself to be happy in these moments. I believe that Makenzie is over the moon happy for you and your family and your life. It must be extremely hard to feel as if you are moving on, moving forward when time here on earth stopped for your daughter. However, I believe time is moving on for her also, but in different ways. You were the best mother you knew how to be and I believe she knows that and understands that. Tracker is beyond lucky to have such an incredible mother and sister watching over him constantly. It breaks my heart to read about you not noticing signs and such. No one expects their child to be sick. You gave Makenzie all the love and care you were capable of giving. You did your absolute best. Thank you again for allowing others to be apart of your service project. I was beyond humbled and filled with gratitude to partake in such a project. May peace and comfort be with you at this time.

VALIE said...

Kendra - you hurt so much. Time does not matter for Kenzie. It does not matter either that you don't think intelligibly about her : you carry her in your heart, all the time. Love Tracker as much as you can, focus on him - it won't deprive his sister in any ways.
I am praying that you find serenity.
Valérie (from France)

Auntie EM said...

Words can't really express how my heart feels for you right now. Just alot of love and respect for everything you did for her....the love never ends...I know she knows....I know she feels your love, Ryan's love, and her family's love. I know she feels my love, too. Aunt Mary

Emma said...

I know each and every day is hard, but I can only imagine how these coming days bring back so much extra pain, extra raw emotion. I wish these were days you never knew, you never had to go through, but as you are, you do so with so much love! The love you have for Kenzie is so evident, we all know it and she knows it with every ounce of her!! I hate to think of you feeling like you didn't do enough-you did everything, you gave and continue to give, everything. You took away her pain and took it on yourself, I can't tell you what a selfless act that was-you did all things out of love. You didn't know what she was feeling, you couldn't know, but when you did, you acted in her best interests!!
None of us savor every second, every cry, every late night wake up because that just isn't how we are made-but I think you did more than so many of us, and for that I am so grateful. Please, try to focus on all the wonderful things you did-Holding her, singing to her, telling her stories and being her biggest fan-as you still are. Kenzie has the most amazing mom, and now Tracker does too, and they are so lucky to have you!
I hope you dream sweet dreams, I hope you feel close to Kenzie once again-I truly believe she sent you Tracker, that he was specially chosen for you by her-maybe when you hold him and feel all that love, some of it is being sent by your sweet girl!!
Thinking of you and praying for you always, especially in these coming toughest of days. Love and hugs, Em

The Little Martz Family said...

Kendra, I only left one comment on your blog before, but I feel I need to say something here. After my brother died at 14 years old I felt his presence for several months and then it went away. I was so sad that I couldn't feel him anymore, almost as sad as the day he went to heaven. I told my Grandma what I was feeling and she told me that the reason I couldn't feel him anymore was because his soul wasn't in spirit form anymore. That God actually gave me my brother back in another person's body. I had always felt an extreme closeness in my cousin, who was born just 12 months after my brother died. I honestly feel that my brother's soul is within my cousin. Does that make sense? So, when I read this post and several other of your posts that you can't feel Kenzie anymore I just get the feeling that God granted you your wish, to be close to Kenzie again, and she is in Tracker. Trust me, I know I must sound wacky, but I do believe my experience is real. Just wanted to share. God bless.

Trinity said...

Thinking of your family today. May you be blessed with peace and comfort.

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