Sweet girl how in the world has it been 3 years since I last held you? How has it been 3 years since I kissed your face and snuggled your body? Makenzie I cant believe how much I miss you. I cant believe how much this still hurts. Not a day goes by that I don't dream of you. Imagine how life was with you. Think about the funny faces you would make or that incredible smile. I miss looking into your eyes. I miss feeling your skin. I miss you. I need you my love. I need you. I have been having such a hard time balancing my aching and longing for you and this new found enjoyment and happiness with your brother. Its so hard to go back and forth. I want it all. I want him but I want you. I want you to be here with me. I want to have my 3 year old little girl in my home. I want to tuck you in every night. I want to read you stories. I want you to help me with the baby. I was so worried comparing Tracker to you would be so hard and not fair for either of you before he came. Now its something I love. I love finding you in him and I love that you both look so much alike. I cant tell you how many times ill look down at him and feel like I'm looking at you. Its such a weird feeling. I love it. but it also makes me crazy how much I missed with you. All those signs I should have seen. How in the world did I miss it all? How did I let you hurt for so long? Why didn't I push more? Why didn't I demand answers? I pray every single day you were not in constant pain. That you weren't struggling as much as my mind is making me think. Tracker has already done so much more than you- developmental wise- you still have him beat with the way you changed the world :)
but seeing him hit milestones that you never did breaks my heart. He is much bigger than you ever were and I just cant believe how tiny you were. Why did I never see that then? Your Daddy and I talk about this all the time. Seeing something new with Tracker every day and seeing that you never did that. It took me a while to see him do things you didn't. I guess in my mind you were doing those things but in reality you weren't. Your Dad saw differences in the early weeks of Trackers life. I didn't start seeing differences until more recent. I am thankful I see differences for the fact that he isn't sick. but every good thing about him makes me think of you. It makes me miss you.
Makenzie its been 3 years. 3 long years of a life you have been in but not physically. 3 years of us praying. 3 years of pictures. 3 years of videos. 3 years of tears. 3 years of sleepless nights. 3 years of missing. 3 years of visiting a cemetery. How is this our life? How is it that I still cant grasp this. How is it that I am still so confused? That I am consistently going back and forth on my feelings... Makenzie my love. I miss you. I hate that I have forgotten details about you. I am sorry I didn't savor every second of your life like I should have. I am sorry I didn't see you hurting. I am sorry I didn't fight harder. Please know I did my best at the time. I had no idea what I was doing and what I should be watching out for. I never in my wildest dreams thought this would happen. That you would be this sick. That you would leave us. Please know you still hold my heart. You still hold so much of my dreams and my happiness. You will be my future. We will be together again.
Makenzie I don't feel as close to you. I don't know what has happened. but I don't like it. I try every day to change it. I try to pray harder. longer. I try to have better faith. I try to ask God in a different way. I try to help other people and serve. I want to feel close to you again. I need to feel you every second of the day- not just in the moments I stop and work at it. Why has it changed?
I am trying to show you everyday how much I love you. The best way I do that is talking about you. Tracker loves when I say your name. He loves when I talk about sister. He loves when I ask him if he see's you. He loves when I put him in front of your picture. Please stay close to him. Please help him in life and please keep him safe. I need him. I need him to get through this life so I can get to you.
Thank you for sending him to me. I'm sure that wasn't easy. He is a pretty fun boy. I am sure you 2 were having the time of your life together. So thank you for letting me have him. He came at a time I needed him the most. I find myself so lost without you. You were such a beacon of light and I hate when I cant see that light. Am I doing something wrong? What has changed in the last 3 years?
I will keep working at it. I will never give up. You are the reason I will keep fighting for that light. I need to find you. I need to be with you. Whenever that day may be. I will be with you again.
Makenzie I ask everyday to dream of you still. I wish I could. Just one night. It still hasn't happened. Not since that dream right after you died. I wish I could see you. Just for a moment. Feel you. Go back to those days when I felt like your Mom. I don't feel like it now. I know I am your mom but I don't feel like it. Tracker needs me. All the time. and I don't feel like you need me. At least in the same ways. I am trying to figure out how you need me. Maybe its just to take care of your brother. Im doing my very best. Every single day I make sure I am the best I can be to him. I have never stopped to just soak up a moment so much in my life. I tell him a million and one times how much I love him a day. I promise you I work my butt off to make sure he has a good life and he knows he is loved. I know how special he is Kenzie. He is so very special. and I promise I don't take that for granted.
I worry I don't do enough for you anymore. I don't write you as many letters. I just don't know what to say. I feel I am saying the same thing over and over. I miss you. I love you. I need you. It doesn't change. I wish our relationship could continue to develop. I wish I could tell you stories. I wish I could give you advice or answer your questions. What would you ask?
Do you remember that day in the hospital? No one came up. It was just us. I told you every story I ever imagined I would have to tell you. Seriously every story. Some were kind of awkward. I mean I didn't expect to tell my daughter so early on in life about love but I did it. I guess I felt at the time it was necessary. I don't know why. but I did. I told you about my life. I told you why your Mum is a little crazy. I told you about my childhood. I told you about each of your aunts and uncles. I told you about your Grandma's and Grandpas. I told you about all the angels who went before you. I told you about how your Dad and I met. I told you all those good and all those bad stories in our dating life. I told you how hard some of those first few months were when we got married. I told you about some of the issues we faced. I told you about you. I told you about your life. I told you how much you changed our lives.
That was a good day. I felt like a lifetime happened in just a few hours between us. You stared at me the whole day. We didn't take our eyes off each other more than a few moments. Its like you knew what I was saying and you were listening. I felt I needed to tell you more and more. I told you some funny stories and you smiled at all the right parts. We held hands and I tickled your arm and tummy. The nurses didn't bother us much that day.
When your Dad came up after work he joined in. He thought I was a little weird for telling you all of that but he just didn't understand us girls.
Makenzie, my heart hurts. I don't want another year to pass. I don't want another day to pass. I hate that every moment is a moment further away from our life together. I know I should think of it as one day closer to being with you again. and I try to remember that. but we are closer to when you left this earth than we are to when I will leave this earth. We have many more years apart and I just don't want to think of that. I want to stop my stupid memory from fading. I want to freeze what I can remember.
My sweet muffin- oh how I wish I could hold you.
Please stay close to us these next few days. I wish it got much easier. I wish I could hold onto the same faith I once had when it came to you. I promise I'm trying. I will forever try.
You are my happily ever after. You are what I have to look forward to.
I love you to the moon.
Please dream with me baby.
I need you.