Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Balance

He is sleeping. In my arms. I need to put him in his bed but I can't. So much on my mind. Consistantly switching my thoughts. But when I look down it all stops. I watch him breath. And I just wish time would stop. I remember thinking that same thought with makenzie. Telling God that I would be fine if the world ended today because I felt complete. It's funny how fast all of that changed. I wish I could get that feeling back. The feeling of feeling complete. But I know that will never happen until we are with our makenzie again. I feel sad because I miss her but I feel worse because I want to feel that with my son. I am have these feelings a lot. Going back and forth. I know other parents can relate. Those feelings when you add another child. You want to make sure you share your time evenly. You want to make sure you give them each quality time. You don't want one to feel more loved than the other. Except what do you do when one of your babies is in heaven? How do you make sure they both feel equal. How do you divide your time? How is it possible to make anything even? I said for over 2 years after makenzie passed that I worried about our next child because they just would never compare to her. That it would be impossible for them to ever be as perfect as her because she was perfect. She didn't live a life to make mistakes. I worried about how I would make sure the second child didn't know I felt about this. I knew I would love the next one just as much. That I would love them in their own way. I knew their love would never compare to the love I had for makenzie.
Then he came. That little boy. That perfect little miracle. And all those thoughts and feelings changed. They have flipped. I am now trying to figure out how to keep my love growing for makenzie as its ever growing for tracker. How did I not see this coming? I am filling my days with guilt. I feel guilty that I am not thinking of makenzie near as often which has then caused those precious perfect memories of those little details to fade even more. I feel guilty when we are focusing so much of our life on makenzie that I don't want tracker feeling like he is living in her shadow. I feel guilt when I don't talk about her enough and I feel guilt when I talk about her to much. Tracker will continue to grow. He will learn and develop and do so many things makenzie couldn't. We have a lifetime of memories to build and a relationship to grow. And our life has stopped with makenzie. All of our memories have been had. And when our life will continue with our son it will forever stand still with our daughter. And that hurts. That scares me. I don't want either to feel less loved. I don't want either to think the other is more important. But how do you keep it balanced when you can only be with one of them?

We were going to get tracker tested for smard right after he was born but after a lot of talk with doctors and genetic counselors we decided it wasn't nessisary. We wouldn't have the results back before we probably would start to see signs. And the cost is ridiculous. So makenzies amazing neurologist said to bring tracker in. She would evaluate him and give me the reassurance I need. Today was the day. I drove up that familiar road. I parked in that familiar spot. I walked in those familiar doors and smelled everyone of those same smells. With a baby on my arm. Dr. Swoboda did lots of tests. Had us meet with a physical therapist who did a whole other set of tests. and our boy surpassed all their expectations. He did better than he should at his age. His scores were perfect. But I stood there emotionless. I should be feeling Proud that he is doing so well. Feeling relief that they are not saying bad news. But I just felt numb. After a few hours we wrapped it up and it was time to leave. As I took the elevator down the emotions started to build. As I passed the cafeteria where I ate every breakfast, lunch and dinner for a month... I stopped. I looked at all those people and imagined what their story might be. Feeling heartache imageing what some must be going through. I then headed for that rotating door. Overwhelmed and overly aware of the extra weight I carried. It was too much. Tracker got to leave. He was coming home. He gets to live. All I could imagine was that night. Standing at that door waiting for Ryan to bring the car around. Watching people walk in and out. Trying to process what just happened. Feeling the loss. My daughter just died. I just held her lifeless body. She was gone...
Now here I am. Exactly 35 months later. Walking out with a healthy baby. My baby. And with the knowledge that I get to keep him. I wanted to smile. Run out of there and jump for joy. Yell and thank The Lord. But I walked out of there in pain. I cried. I called Ryan and just didn't know what to say. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to feel relief. But I just miss her. I just ache for her. And I just can't believe how much I need her. After a few hours I was able to breathe easier. I was able to really digest it all. And I snuggled my son.
and now I am happy. I am relieved. and I am smiling. Because I get to keep him. I need him. I need him forever.
I guess this is how it will always be. Battling back and forth. This is my life. I have 2 kids. One is here and one is in heaven. It will be harder to make them both feel special and loved and equal. But they are both mine and I will work my ass off forever to do my best. I can't take one out for extra mommy time while the other stays with dad. I don't get to hold them both.
So I might not be complete.
That won't come for a while.
But I'm working on it. I'm doing my best to be a good mom to both my babies.

9 comments :

Nichole05 said...

Praying for your comfort. I too know the loss of a child. I am having a son very soon as well. Much love. Your story is such a heart wrenching one. xo

Hillary said...

I was absorbed in this post. I have never lost a child so I do not know what it is like to have one on earth and one in heaven. But I do have 2 on earth and sometimes I feel inadequate. Sometimes the bad thought comes to mind that if I had one I would be a better mom to just the one. That having 2 makes me a bad mom. This is of course not true. I wouldn't be the mom I am today without my children. Our family would not be complete without both children. Sure it can be stressful. Then I worry that I do not love my younger as much as my older. This is not true either. I love them both more than I can even comprehend. I just have had a couple more years with my older one to build memories. Of course the bond with my younger will continue to increase through the months and years as we build memories of our own, and together with the older one. But it is hard to know how to split the time sometimes.

VALIE said...

Look, Makenzie is fine: she knows you love her forever. Be at rest, she knows that you cannot practice that immense love actively, she knows that your love for her has a different "shape", it is locked in your heart, safe from other feelings that your other children (Tracker + next ones) will have to live with : your impatience sometimes, your frustration, your anger... Love is love, it takes many forms, and none is less worthy than another. Have no fear, Makenzie could never be jealous of you spending more time and thoughts on her brother(s)/sister(s): she was, she is loved, in a differerent fashion, and she rejoices over Tracker, and her Mom and Dad. Please don't be under the impression that I don't understand and share what you are feeling, because I do and I ache for you, I am simply trying to make you feel better and enjoy Tracker to the tilt, because Makenzie is with you all the time, you don't even have to think of "balancing".
Hugs, V. (from France)

Satterlees said...

I can't imagine that pain friend. You are such a strong individual and that baby boy is so lucky to have such a mature mother that truly knows what love is.

Trinity said...

This post just broke my heart. You are doing an amazing job given the circumstances. I don't believe that you should feel guilty in any sense. Makenzie would not want to you mourn the loss of her, but feel joy in knowing that she is yours forever. Tracker is blessed to have an angel for a sister and I bet he loves hearing about her. I think you are amazing and both your kids should be proud in knowing that you are their mother and you are doing all that you can.

Rachael G. said...

We all do our best. Some days it's better than others. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are a good mom, who loves her kids and is trying to do the best she knows how. What else could you ask of yourself but that you are trying your best? Your kids are so lucky to have you as their mother. I hope you know that.

Auntie EM said...

I have of course not been in your shoes my dear friend but I think each of us has had situations where we are torn between two things. When Uncle Rich and I were lucky enough to get Trent, it truly felt like I'd won the lottery. I didn't think I could possibly love another human being as much as I love Trent. But...my Braxton, my sweet wonderful little Braxton...he surpasses anything I thought I could feel for a for another person. He healed my broken heart. I think that is the way God meant it to be for us - we love and then we love even more. Loving Makenzie was so easy and so perfect. It gave you the capacity and desire to want to feel that love again, in an even greater measure, with your cute little Tracker. She did that for a lot of us. She helped me realize how precious and wonderful life is and that no life should ever be taken for granted. I love you Sweety and am grateful for your strength and wisdom that comes from someone so young. Love, Auntie M

Becky Martin said...

I can't imagine what you are dealing with. I just can't imagine.

Alerie said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I am not in your position, but I can relate on some level. Like you said, all moms worry about spreading their love equally between all their children. I love all 3 of my kids the same and more than I ever thought I could love, but I constantly battle with myself if they feel my love is equal because I have different bonds/relationships with each of them. I know both of your kids feel loved, because I can see the love you have for them and that is just through this blog. I can only image in person. You are wonderful mom to two lucky kids. I will keep you in my prayers that this will get easier for you.

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