He is sleeping. In my arms. I need to put him in his bed but I can't. So much on my mind. Consistantly switching my thoughts. But when I look down it all stops. I watch him breath. And I just wish time would stop. I remember thinking that same thought with makenzie. Telling God that I would be fine if the world ended today because I felt complete. It's funny how fast all of that changed. I wish I could get that feeling back. The feeling of feeling complete. But I know that will never happen until we are with our makenzie again. I feel sad because I miss her but I feel worse because I want to feel that with my son. I am have these feelings a lot. Going back and forth. I know other parents can relate. Those feelings when you add another child. You want to make sure you share your time evenly. You want to make sure you give them each quality time. You don't want one to feel more loved than the other. Except what do you do when one of your babies is in heaven? How do you make sure they both feel equal. How do you divide your time? How is it possible to make anything even? I said for over 2 years after makenzie passed that I worried about our next child because they just would never compare to her. That it would be impossible for them to ever be as perfect as her because she was perfect. She didn't live a life to make mistakes. I worried about how I would make sure the second child didn't know I felt about this. I knew I would love the next one just as much. That I would love them in their own way. I knew their love would never compare to the love I had for makenzie.
Then he came. That little boy. That perfect little miracle. And all those thoughts and feelings changed. They have flipped. I am now trying to figure out how to keep my love growing for makenzie as its ever growing for tracker. How did I not see this coming? I am filling my days with guilt. I feel guilty that I am not thinking of makenzie near as often which has then caused those precious perfect memories of those little details to fade even more. I feel guilty when we are focusing so much of our life on makenzie that I don't want tracker feeling like he is living in her shadow. I feel guilt when I don't talk about her enough and I feel guilt when I talk about her to much. Tracker will continue to grow. He will learn and develop and do so many things makenzie couldn't. We have a lifetime of memories to build and a relationship to grow. And our life has stopped with makenzie. All of our memories have been had. And when our life will continue with our son it will forever stand still with our daughter. And that hurts. That scares me. I don't want either to feel less loved. I don't want either to think the other is more important. But how do you keep it balanced when you can only be with one of them?
We were going to get tracker tested for smard right after he was born but after a lot of talk with doctors and genetic counselors we decided it wasn't nessisary. We wouldn't have the results back before we probably would start to see signs. And the cost is ridiculous. So makenzies amazing neurologist said to bring tracker in. She would evaluate him and give me the reassurance I need. Today was the day. I drove up that familiar road. I parked in that familiar spot. I walked in those familiar doors and smelled everyone of those same smells. With a baby on my arm. Dr. Swoboda did lots of tests. Had us meet with a physical therapist who did a whole other set of tests. and our boy surpassed all their expectations. He did better than he should at his age. His scores were perfect. But I stood there emotionless. I should be feeling Proud that he is doing so well. Feeling relief that they are not saying bad news. But I just felt numb. After a few hours we wrapped it up and it was time to leave. As I took the elevator down the emotions started to build. As I passed the cafeteria where I ate every breakfast, lunch and dinner for a month... I stopped. I looked at all those people and imagined what their story might be. Feeling heartache imageing what some must be going through. I then headed for that rotating door. Overwhelmed and overly aware of the extra weight I carried. It was too much. Tracker got to leave. He was coming home. He gets to live. All I could imagine was that night. Standing at that door waiting for Ryan to bring the car around. Watching people walk in and out. Trying to process what just happened. Feeling the loss. My daughter just died. I just held her lifeless body. She was gone...
Now here I am. Exactly 35 months later. Walking out with a healthy baby. My baby. And with the knowledge that I get to keep him. I wanted to smile. Run out of there and jump for joy. Yell and thank The Lord. But I walked out of there in pain. I cried. I called Ryan and just didn't know what to say. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to feel relief. But I just miss her. I just ache for her. And I just can't believe how much I need her. After a few hours I was able to breathe easier. I was able to really digest it all. And I snuggled my son.
and now I am happy. I am relieved. and I am smiling. Because I get to keep him. I need him. I need him forever.
I guess this is how it will always be. Battling back and forth. This is my life. I have 2 kids. One is here and one is in heaven. It will be harder to make them both feel special and loved and equal. But they are both mine and I will work my ass off forever to do my best. I can't take one out for extra mommy time while the other stays with dad. I don't get to hold them both.
So I might not be complete.
That won't come for a while.
But I'm working on it. I'm doing my best to be a good mom to both my babies.