She is 2

Couldn't sleep last night. I was remembering every minute 2 years ago.  Funny how at the most unexpected times you remember things you haven't before now.  I remember the clock. Remembering time seemed to be going by faster than I thought. Thinking how I wanted to soak in every second because I never wanted to forget this. Being scared. Not knowing what would be happening and what this would really feel like. Never doubting I could do this. Knowing it was going to happen. Thinking over and over what she would look like. Wondering what I would do if she turned out to be a he. Worried for Ryan. Thinking of this new life we would live.  I never would have imagined the amount of love that would come over me the minute she came. It was surreal.  Like nothing I could ever experience. Our first. The unknown. Our future. Taking her first breaths. Her eyes. Her fingers. Her tummy and that hair.

I wish I could relive those minutes again. I wish I could rewind. What our life was 2 years ago. The happiness we experienced. The purest kind of love. Our family.

I still cant believe she is mine. She is Ryan's. She is our daughter. That God trusted us enough with her. With that life. With everything he knew would happen. He gave her to us. That she would choose us. That she would know that we would love her more than anyone could love her. That no matter what she would be the reason we did anything. That we would think about her and only her for all of her life. She knew. God knew. But we didn't know that all those choices and trials and hardships would happen years before we ever imagined. Never would we have thought her life would be so short. Never would we have thought that purest of love would soon end. That the love we would develop would be so different. With a life in your hands. A future of her being there or here. She knew. God knew.

I so wish life would have been different. That we would have had a silly sassy 2 year old running around this house. Causing utter chaos. Making me pull out my hair. But giving me that purest of love every single second of her life. Life is so full of the what-ifs. The wishing and hoping. The praying for something different. You want something so much. Nothing will change what is done. God is not a genie and will not grant you wishes. You have to make those wishes come true. My wishes may be out of reach for right now. But I have to know I will have those wishes come true. I will be able to hold her again. As much as I ache for that day to come right now. I have to know it wont.

When she gave us her life 2 years ago today. She knew what her life would be. She knew what would come of her Mom and Dad. She knew we would have her life in our hands and we would have to make a choice. No matter our decision she knew we would make the right decision for her. She knew we would listen to her. As much as I wish she would have been able to hold on a little longer. We know she couldn't and she knew we wouldn't ask her to.

She chose to give us her life. For some reason some where down the road we must have done something good because there is no way we deserved her life. This amazing little girl who completely changed everything we knew or thought we knew about life.  I am honored that she chose us. I am honored that she gave us every single breath. I couldn't imagine my life without her in it 2 years ago. I couldn't imagine being able to function without her. Yet she knew we could do it. She knew we wouldn't let her going back home stop us from living our life for her. As much as I feel most of my days the past 19 months have been spent wishing for what I cant have. I am still here. I am still breathing and that is more than I thought I could ever do.  She has given me something no one else could.


Happy Happy Birthday Missy.
Have the very best birthday in Heaven while we celebrate your birthday here.
Our life is just beginning here and because of you, we are living.
Because of this day 2 years ago. You have given us more than we could ever give you.
Thank You for being ours.
Daddy and I are so proud of you. For everything you have done. For everything you continue to do.
We will forever celebrate the life you gave us.
Until our wishes come true....
Dream with me baby.
I love you to the moon.

Love Mom and Daddy.