I started scrap booking Makenzies life when she was about a month old. We would go into the basement where my desk was and I would do page after page with her either napping in the big blue love sac next to me or in my arms (that was tricky). I loved having her with me. I never had her nap in her crib. I just wanted her near me all the time. We had our usual shows we would watch, FRIENDS... But one day I decided we would start into my Disney collection I had started for when Kenzie was older. We watched Hunchback of Notre Dame. I remember it so clearly. I remember every song with her. This movie? I don't know. Maybe just because it was the first kid movie we watched. I didn't scrapbook through the whole thing. Then we watched it again the next day.
Tonight I'm sitting here watching it with the midget. Only thinking about... I pray so much she is happy. I feel I'm missing her even more than ever, if that's even possible. I am missing my memories. My perfect memories of every little detail. I want those details back.
Life lately... Has been... Hard
Those irrational prayers asking God to give her back... They are back...
No matter how much my brain knows that wont happen, my heart still has not accepted that completely.
9 comments :
Aww Kendra, I sorry those prayers are back and life has been hard lately. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Kendra,
I am praying for you. I found this poem and wanted to share it with you.
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown
I know it doesn't take the hurt away but I hope it helps.
Wish she could come back to you, but if not in life I hope with all my heart she visites you in your dreams tonight.
i know you dont know me... i just came across your blog a while ago through kellie but... im sorry for you loss im sure its hard, after a few miscarriages then i had a boy i couldnt wait to have a girl and i did! she is 7 months now and omg you are so strong i dont know what i do without her! i think you live in utah and so do i.... if you ever need a friend ill for sure be one.. i will never understand your situation but im always here to listen.....
Kendra I'm so sorry life has been so hard lately. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can feel Makenzie's sweet presence surrounding you during this time. Much love!!
I came across your blog thru another & have been following for a while now Kendra. So sorry you have been having such a rough time these last few days. You are such a beautiful person and it gives me the "sads" to hear when you struggle. :( Here's hoping you have a little calmer week coming up. Big hugs precious girl!
The missing is so hard....harder than I ever thought it could be. Kenzie IS happy, at peace, in no pain, and surrounded by loved ones. She is missing you too but in her most glorious perfect state, she knows she is where she needs to be right now. That doesn't mean she isn't near you or that she does not hear or recognize you, she does. She is very much aware of you and knows of your heartache but.....she also knows there is a reason for all things. I too hate the missing. At times, it seems like a dream - that it is not real. But God has a purpose for those who have passed beyond this life. I can only imagine the good they are doing and the love they are feeling. It doesn't help the missing but it brings me a meaure of peace. You and Ryan are forever in my prayers. I love you both and I love your beautiful girl. Auntie M
I know that a lot has been going on in your life and some how the two of us lost touch with each other through all of this. I know there is not much that I can do to make the pain go away but you are always in my thoughts. I think about you and Ryan all the time and Kaitlyn talks to me about baby Kenzie all the time as well. Your little Webster family is always in our hearts. I hope that someday the pain will hurt a little less and the hole in your hearts will get a little bit smaller. Of course it will never go away and you won't ever want it to go away. Please let me know if there is any thing that I can do or that we can do to help you guys.
I have those very same thoughts of asking for my son back. My son and I used to dance around while listening to music so kinda similar in a way, yet different. Something you truly cherished. TK was attached to my hip ALWAYS. My heart aches for you...
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