Just wish I could make sense of this.
Stayed up till early morning the other day trying to figure out the movie maker on this computer. Made a long one of her life before she went into the hospital. Picked songs we listened to together or songs that have since become our songs for her. I watch it over and over. I want to pause and take her. Take her right out of the screen. To feel her face. Her skin. The heat from her breath. How is this real. This happens to other people. I am not someone who would lose their child. Not Makenzie. Not so young. Not forever. Its July. Days from now would be the very best day of my life just 2 years ago. How did it end.
I had to get my blood drawn the other day and the lady was taking quite sometime. She started talking about kids and asked me about how many, the sex, name... etc...
Her name is Makenzie and she will be 2 on Monday. She asked what she likes and if she understands her birthday is coming. I tried to answer how I imagined I should be answering. It was like it was all real. Like that life was some how my life. I cant look at the family pictures we took the day before Makenzie went into the hospital. I cant see those people. That life. That never imagined what life would be just 24 for hours later. Those people who had the life. The life I now dream of. Those people who never had this kind of stuff happen to them.
Today I'm hiding in my house. In bed. Hating the sun. Smells. Food. Outside. Being asleep. Being awake. Scared. I have lived a year and a half. 19 months. With my life being everything I never imagined it being. Her birthday is in 3 days. I will have a 2 year old girl who lives with Jesus in just 3 days. I cant believe how much I miss her. I cant believe how much I miss that life. I cant believe how much I am so not wanting this life now.
I have to breathe. I know what I know. Tomorrow will be another day closer to Makenzie.