Friday, June 24, 2011

writers block

I have been having writers block.
I don't know what to say.
I have so much jumbled in my mind, so many thoughts and emotions and things going on but every time I sit down to write something...

I figure the best way to push through writers block is to just write.
So here I go.
I have been loving the summer heat. Thank God its finally here. I want to get a tan but haven't found the time to just get out and sit in the sun. I hope this weekend will be good to me and burn the crap out of my skin. We are on the go non-stop this whole weekend. I hate when I have to say to no to invites here or there and I have had to that this weekend.  We will have a fun weekend though. We have the midget so we will definitely be kept very busy with her running around.  Ryan and I miss having her when she isn't there. Just to have that noise, that chaos, that busy unpredictable life. I so badly want that life. I so much want that life to be with Makenzie. I am still having a hard time knowing that no matter what, any new life that we will be blessed with will not be Makenzie. Deep down I still think she will be back. That I wont have to live like this forever.
Having anyone in the house is a distraction. It breaks up the monotonous pain that we see every day. Gives us a chance to pretend in some moments and gives us a different kind of happiness that we long to have again.
With so much planned this weekend we are still trying to fit in all those fun activities we wish we could do with Makenzie.  Pool parties, Baking, Park, Picnics, Arts Festival, Zoo... I can only imagine the crazy life we would be living with her. Wanting to show her everything. Letting her experience it all.
It will be a good weekend.

My sister is borrowing our car for the weekend. I quickly cleaned it out this morning so it wasn't full of our stuff. I think I have mentioned before that so much of the life we lived a year and a half ago I have tried to leave untouched. With trying to sell and other things coming up in life, we have had to move around to many things. My trunk was one that we never touched. Her emergency bag, her stroller and the only thing we added was the big box we took to the cemetery with lots of toys, blankets, music, binkies, lotions... Pretty much our Makenzie box.  I wanted to go there and smell her- so I put her lotions in there. I wanted to feel her- so I put different things (like the bink) that was hers in there. There is a CD player with her music among about a million other items.  This morning I took all that out. I opened her stroller for the first time. The last time I opened it was November 16, 2009. We were getting family pictures done at liberty park. The day before she went into the hospital. It was weird to open it knowing I wasn't putting her in it. We loved going on walks. She loved her stroller. I miss pushing her in it.

I tried to make cookies for Ryan the other night. I hate making cookies. No matter what I do- they turn out the same. I am the worst cookie maker in the world. When I buy the pre-made dough and just put it on a cookie sheet- it does the same freakin thing. Seriously what is my problem. With the same batch Ryan will put some in the oven and they come out perfectly!
There has to be something going on here. Its physics. You do the same thing with the same elements and they should turn out the same. Not for me. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten a B in physics... I obviously dont know how any of that stuff works.  So sadly Ryan ended up with cookies that looked like boobies. Yes boobies!
I put a reeces peanut butter cup in the middle of the dough, the dough stretched out and the peanut butter cup didn't. Just use your imagination! They went into the trash. I didn't like him eating boob cookies.

So there is not a whole lot else for me to say.
The block is still there.
Ill try again tomorrow.

1 comment :

Anonymous said...

Boobie cookies, huh??!!! Now that IS funny. I feel your pain - I am a terrible cook. When I am around my sisters, I just flail around and act dumb (not an act really) and they tell me what to do and how to do it, especially if it has anything to do with cooking. I hate cleaning out my car, too. I always manage to find random stuff that I would rather have not found but someone's got to do it. For having a writer's block, you do very well. You continue to inspire me. Your daughter reminds me that every hour, every day were are here on earth is special and to never take one minute with our loved ones for granted. Luv ya. Auntie M


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