Monday, June 13, 2011

Remember

Ill say it again... I hate memory. I hate how it goes away. I hate that even the most significant moments in my life slip away in time. No matter how much you think about something. No matter how much you repeat it over and over. It tends to change over time and then you look back and know the memory you have in your mind isn't all that accurate. Its been changed a bit and then I get angry. I get angry because I wish I could forget everything else and just remember those 5 months. I wish I wrote down more. I wish I recorded more. I wish I took more pictures. Just so I can still see everything.
Although-- even that wouldn't be enough. I want to smell everything and hear everything.

I found a couple random pictures. They were pictures I could remember. I want to always remember.


Seriously the very best day of my life. Obviously the day she was born. I have written about my birth story so I don't need to write that out again but in this picture I just remember thinking how cute she is. I was shocked at how big her feet were. We immediately said she was wearing a pair of skis. I felt so good after she finally came out. I was ready to get into a room and eat something. I was starving. They took her to the nursery which made me a bit nervous. I tried to walk to my room but the nurse wouldn't let me. She made me sit in the wheelchair. We got the room about 4:00 am. Ryan was so hungry and of course what does any man want after welcoming his first child into the world?  Betos! A breakfast burrito. Yes- its true. He left his brand new baby and wife to get a breakfast burrito :)
Its okay I actually pushed him out the door because I wanted him to get something to eat so he could help me with Makenzie and not be a grumpy pants. They didn't have anything to offer me since it was so early but cereal. I will tell you right now I have never tasted anything so good in my life. I guess I was just so hungry but it was the perfect meal. It felt like forever until they brought Kenzie back. I hate to say but I cant remember what they were doing with her. They wheeled her next to my bed and asked if I wanted to try nursing. That was a really weird experience. I never expected it to feel like it did. Strange! But an amazing strange. She did okay, not great. Her blood sugar was off (cant remember if it was high or low) so we had to supplement. There was a tube of formula running down my boob into her mouth. Again. Strange. But I wanted so much for her to just be okay and be healthy so whatever, Ill do anything.


This was at Red Lobster on July 20th. The day after she came home and 2 days after she was born. Yes I'm nuts for taking my brand new baby out so soon but come on- it was her Daddys birthday and all he wanted was to go to dinner. Grandma B held her most of the time. I remember watching her from across the table and actually missing her. Wanting to grab her and snuggle her. But I knew I would get to squash that girl all night long so I let Grandma take over for a bit :)
She was so tiny and everyone kept staring at us. I remember wanting to scream out that she was mine. That I was a mom. It was a weird feeling to say I was the mom of this little girl.
I cant remember if I bought her bow or if it was a gift. I think I bought it. The shirt was one I did buy. It was preemie and still a little big. Her blanket was from her bedding set and was given to us as a gift at one of her baby showers.


I was back at work for only a month before she got sick. In that month, however, I cried every single day. I hated leaving her and just wanted to sit at home and stare at her face. This morning I was putting off going as long as possible. I thought she looked cute and I really just wanted to stay with her. I thought a little photo op would be appropriate. First it was just Makenzie, then Harley jumped up and wanted to give her some lovin. Harley was always so gentle with her. She would hardly make a sound or move to quickly when Makenzie was out of our arms. I think she was scared we would totally flip out if she came to close to the baby or something. She would only kiss her feet so we would take Kenzies socks off and Harley would go to town giving love after love. Harley adores this girl.
When we watch videos of her and she makes noise. Harley will come from wherever in the house and run to the computer or tv and just stare at it. She will tilt her head and perk up her ears. Then we will say "Wheres the baby Harley?" She will quickly turn to look at us, come right up to our lap and just sit there and wag her tail looking around. She only does that when we ask where the baby is. If its anything else she starts barking and runs around. I know she still gets to see the baby.
This whole outfit was bought the weekend after we found out we were having a girl. Ryan and I went to Park City and spent way to much money and bought so much stuff for this girl! I loved the polka dots.


I loved being home with this muffin. On a daily basis I would pray to God and tell him that if today never ended I would be happy for forever. I always wanted to freeze time. I couldn't get enough of her and never ever wanted to put her down. She rarely napped in her crib. She slept in it very well every night but during the day, I just wanted to hold her. I didn't want her to be alone and I didn't want her to think I left or something. Yeah I'm a dork! Laundry was a little hard. But we figure it out. She was the best helper with all the chores. This outfit was given to us by her cousin Olivia who wore it when she was a baby.


October 18th. We tried to take her 3 month pictures. She was a very angry girl this day and didn't want anything to do with the camera or being put down. We got 1 picture out of like a million we took. We did get some cute ones of me holding her but not many. We were in our bedroom and the weather was really nice. It felt good to stand by the window and have the sun warming us. I painted her toes that morning to match mine. I thought she looked really cute in her flower dress.
I bought her dress at old navy just a couple weeks earlier and her bracelet was a gift.


I'm not sure what we are doing with her here. I just remember thinking we dressed her in West High colors (both mine and Ryans alma mater) I look at this and wonder what was I thinking dressing her in this. Its not that cute. Oh poor girl. But hey, notice the leggins. Seriously-- all the time!


December 12th
I see this picture and feel like I'm there. I can hear this picture. Those beeps. Those buzzers. The people walking. I know this picture. She was flinging her arms all over. She was so so so sleepy and just couldn't stay comfy or something. I thought it was cute when she would cover her eyes when she was sleeping. She had been having a rough couple days and this was no exception. She was not happy, in pain and so tired. I hate remembering how much she hurt. Through it all she would smile like crazy. She would watch us with her big blue eyes and would melt in our arms. I always liked when they would change her bedding. It seemed so uncomfortable to me and when they would fold everything, roll everything and get the new stuff put down I felt she was more happy. They changed it usually once a day. She had a little gel pillow. Sometimes she would use it sometimes not. I knew how that suction worked by now and I always wanted to suction her out myself but wasn't allowed and really didn't have anyone teach me so feared I could mess something up and that's the last thing I could imagine doing to her. Her blanket was a good comfort to her. We could tuck it under all those tubes so they wouldn't be resting on her body and stuff it around her face. I think it was extra security and made her feel like someone was always there. Which we were.
I held her so much her whole life it broke my heart to be so limited in the hospital. I felt so bad because I couldn't just scoop her up. I wanted her to know I was here and would help her. Holding her was the best yet hardest. I loved feeling her weight and feeling kinda like a parent for a few seconds but It was always so uncomfortable. We were literally safety pinned to the chair in one position only. I couldn't adjust her or move her. That damn breathing tube was so fragile that once she was set in my arms she was to stay there until someone came to get her. I never wanted to put her back. I just wanted to sit there all day. Either my dumb arm would fall asleep and I would keep holding her until I couldn't take it anymore, I had to go to the bathroom which again I would hold off until I was going to wet myself or her tubes are all reasons she would need to go back.  Her tubes were the main reason. They would move and cause more secretion build up making her cough and gag and not breath well so they had to put her back in order to suction and situate her again.



Its been 18 months. A Year and a half. Its been so long.

Makenzie Rye. Oh little love. I miss you like crazy. I am in a weird place in life and the only thing that brings me back to reality is thinking of you. Thinking of the life I still need to lead in order to get back to you. Thinking I cant give up because I have so much more to accomplish in honor of you.
I drive around talking to you. Do you hear me? I have been asking you a few big requests lately. Don't feel pressure :) I just want to make things right. I cant thank you enough for living the life you gave me.
Not only for the beautiful life you once lived but for the beautiful life you are living now.
You continue to change me every day.
I love you to infinity.
I miss you.
I pray you are laughing, playing, jumping and breathing in freedom.

Love Mom.

8 comments :

brigette said...

What a lovely post!! You say everyting so sweet and clear! You are amazing a true inspiration to me!! I love that you talk to Kenzie! I do the same thing with Kael... somehow it helps... even if just a little!! I love ya girl!!

Shawna said...

Aww Kendra, you pour out your heart so beautifully; I love all the pictures and memories. Hang in there! I know MaKenzie is still there, loving you and smiling at you even if you can't see her or feel her. I hope the "weird place" you are in brings you to a good place in the future. Love and Prayers!

Anonymous said...

Gosh the strangest thing just happened.... as soon as I read the scentence that her arms were flinging all over my computer screen started jumping all over, scrolling up and then down, over and over..... like it was flinging around.... guess maybe it sounds stupid but it felt like a moment......

Camille Ford said...

You don't know me but i came across your blo through another blog i follow. And i just have to tell you that you are amazing to me. I love the way you write and how you shre your thoughts. I have never been what you have been through so i can't give you any advice or say i know what your going through. I cry just about everytime i read your blog and yet i always go back to reading it. Its a reminder to me to cherish my kids and to hold them close. So I thank you for sharing your thoughts with the rest of us. I also want you to know that you are in My prayers. And I know that your little girl is with our Father in Heaven and you will be with her again one day (I don't mean to preach or anything). Any way thank you for sharing. cami

Anonymous said...

I read your blog and I have a baby girl who is 9 months old. Reese and I pray for you every night that we go to bed. I believe that you will get through it. You are courageous and meant to do what you are doing. It is maybe the only thing that you can do. Keep talking to her because I believe she hears you.

Anonymous said...

I know how hard it is to miss someone you love more than life itself. For me, time seems to stand still but yet it keeps going... and the missing never stops. I wish I had something spectacular to say to you today that would make things better, but I don't. Today, I remember how wonderful Kenzie was - she was and is a brave little girl who was able to smile in spite of her difficulties. That still amazes me. I love your sweet girl. I know you and Ryan will do things that make her so proud that she is YOUR daughter. She loves you both so much and she is much closer than you think. I believe she hears every word you say to her - she knows you and Ry love her and always will - she is rooting for you to do great things - to keep going for her and to accomplish great things in this life. I continue to pray you will find your right path and accomplish much in this crazy life. Love always, Aunt Mary

Gaspegirl said...

You are such a great Mom! I wanted to stop by and let you know that I think of you often... I hope you find peace that you feel fulfilled again soon.

With love and ((((hugs))))

Marge

Janette said...

i know weve never met but you are in my heart often, you see i've been there were you are, the hurting, the grieving, the endless river of tears, the why's, and the ache of empty arms and i just want to say if i was closer i would love to drop by with a hug or chat over a cup of coffee, life can be so hard and sometimes i feel only those who've been there are the only ones who trult get it maybe thats why i feel a connection with you and others who've lost kids and i've never met in any case i want to say i think of you often and pray for you, we will never forget them they will always be a part of us, carried in our heart everywhere we go, love and hugs to you, Janette Diem

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