repeating myself

so very much missing you.

ms makenzie, its been a while since i wrote you.

other than the letters i send to heaven.

not sure what has happened the last few weeks but i feel i have lost ground. im back to those same days this time last year when everything was so new. its not new anymore. its not so fresh. so why does it hurt just as bad.  that evil jealousy/anger has been creeping around. i push it away and it comes back at me x10.

the anger that i had to lose you. that they get to keep theirs. that you were sick. that you had to suffer. and they are fine. how does this happen. how is this fair. then the thoughts of your life. those horrible flashbacks of the worst times. i hate seeing them. they are most clear in my mind. i was able to push them out for a while there. but they are back and clearer than ever. i was driving home last night and one on top of another they came. i started picturing how you looked the day i finally took you to pcmc in november. how white/blue you were. wondering around the hospital trying to find my way upstairs to your pediatricians office from the er. i had just left work- still in heels and dress clothes. my shoes were so loud and i wanted to just throw them off and run. i was holding you in your blanket. you seemed so light. you just looked at me and were breathing that gasping breath. i can see you perfectly in that moment.

then came the day you were crashing on the 3rd floor and i was alone in a room full of doctors. i can see their faces. i can see you in your bed. they wouldn't let me get close because you were in so much distress. i kept saying i can calm her down, i just need to get to her. they were to busy shouting out demands and trying to help you that they didn't hear me. i was shaking. standing there trying to understand anything they were saying but know exactly what their faces meant. these moments. they haven't left my mind.

i try replacing them with days like this...

it was hot. i wanted to get out of the house but didn't want to do anything. we had a picnic outside. you and me. you were a little bit nudie but we sat in the shade. i thought you would like to feel the sun. it smelled so good. i kept saying i wanted to do this everyday. i took this picture and sent it to your dad telling him how we missed him. you loved this chair. it seemed really comfy. i would like an adult size one.

but these days. they are not as clear in my mind. maybe trauma is carved deeper into your memory.

i don't want to be angry. i hate that your name is associated with anger at all.

that's so not what you are about. that's not what you taught me.

believe me im trying. and ill keep trying. its just hard. its hard to turn around and see that person having the only thing i want. i don't care about money, a career, what i might have in my closet. what i want is you.

they have theirs- and they don't even begin to understand how blessed they really are.

its just normal.

they have a healthy child. why think anything more than that? why be really grateful?

for me. because i don't. for others. because their child isn't well. for some. because they don't have any.

makenzie please know i will keep moving. i will do good. i will make good and i will find good. i will carry you everywhere i go. i will tell your story. i will eventually be in a place im not angry with God or with other people. i don't want to be here. i want you. and to have you. i need to change. and be better.

please stay close. please give dad and i lots of loves.

xoxo