Tuesday, January 25, 2011

wish it never went away

back from vegas... what a trip it was... ill update on another post.
but we are back.
came home to an empty house. harley still at the kennel.
unpacked and started laundry.
all our doors have been left open because there was no dog to destroy anything and we wanted to keep things open in case someone came through the house while we were gone.  makenzie's door is still open.
its hard to look in that room as i keep passing by and seeing how empty it is.
in the last month i have felt like a different person.
different than the person i was a year ago... even a couple months ago.
i breathe a little easier.
as much as i hate to admit that im getting used to this life. im learning to live in these new shoes... i am.
so i kept passing the empty room. i kept looking in hoping to see- something- there are pictures of makenzie everywhere. our house is full of her. everything. i cant put anything away or pack it up. the next place we live better have some wall space because i cant take down any of her pictures.
as much as its a relief to be able to breathe a little better and to live life a little more. i miss the ache.
maybe because when that ache was there her memory was that much clearer. i hate that those clear images in my head are ceasing to exist.  everyone keeps telling me not to worry because i wont forget her or those things. unfortunately i know that's not true. will i ever forget i had a daughter- NO. will i ever forget those eyes- NO. will i ever forget the way she made me feel -  NO. but those little things. those things every mother knows but doesn't really pay attention to. like the way she would move. like the smell of her hair. like the things she would do in the bath. i hate how hard i have to think just to remember. i want to close my eyes and be back there. i want to be in her room. i want to hold her. i want to drift off into that life.
through time... i think because your not thinking about them quite as much. your allowing your thoughts to focus just for a moment on what your currently doing. because your trying to figure everything out. your trying not to cry every second. your trying to learn how to breathe with a huge weight on your chest. your trying to balance this new life... through time. those things slip away.
i remember the day i realized i couldn't remember what my sister sounded like.
i am scared for what else will slip from my mind with Kenzie.

11 comments :

Shawna said...

Aww Kendra, I'm sorry you miss that ache. I think that is completely normal and I can understand why you would -- it has been a part of you for so long now. Keep writing though and you will not forget. If you go back to much of what you have written, you will have those descriptions of the things your mind may not remember and it will help you to hang on to them. No matter what though, you will always remember her and love you shared, which is what is most important.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. You "think" you will never forget what they sounded like, how they smelled, their voice, their face, BUT....as time and life goes forward, it is not the same as it was a year ago or for me two years ago. Some say time heals everything but it really doesn't. Time just puts us in a place where our hearts and minds can deal with the loss and heartache and find a way to move forward with our lives. If we felt like we did THAT day and felt that way always, it would be way too hard. I would not have made it if I felt THAT way every day. So, my not-so-wise advice to you is to keep remembering - someday it will make you smile when you remember instead of feeling so incredibly sad. I will always remember Kenzie but probably not the same way as you and Ry. I will remember she made me want to be better, to do good things, to love more, to hate less, to want to make a difference. That....I will always remember about her. I love you and I know you are doing the things that will continue to make her proud you are her mother. Take care. Love Aunt Mary

caitlin and brinton said...

Although I'm sorry you feel like sad forgetting the little things, which I understand, I am happy for you that you are slowly healing. Even though you'll never be completely healed from this, Makenzie would want you to live a happy life and not ache all the time.

I miss you & really want to hang out soon. I hate that I see you + Allie only once in a blue moon. Can we please plan something?

Rafahi Family said...

I do not think there are any words I can say to bring you comfort. And I do not know you personally, but you are a strong woman. Thank you for sharing your journey through such a painful time. I try to enjoy every little thing about my kids because I read your blog. Even the hard times when I am frustrated, I remember how lucky I am to have my children. Our family prays for you and your husband, to have strength, for your hearts to be healed, but never forget. May God bless you always.

Emma said...

First, glad you had a good trip to Vegas, look forward to hearing about it.
I am also glad breathing is easier, that taking life one day at a time and finding enjoyment is getting easier...but I am sorry with that comes the loss of things you hold dear. But, although I won't tell you you will remember EVERYTHING, whenever you want to, I think no matter what the memories are there. They are in your subconscious and in your heart, and out of the blue, when you least expect it they will come back-you will smell Kenzie's smell, hear her laugh, not necessarily when you want to, but it will come back, unexpectedly.
I can imagine missing the ache, that makes sense to me because for so long that was your connection to Kenzie, but remember that regardless your connection is just as strong, just as full of love-you are just learning to remember the happiness she brought you, you are focussing on that and not on the missing quite so much-you are learning and growing still, and will forever-she is teaching you so much to this day.
Thinking of you always, hugs, Em

summergibbs said...

Kendra,
Today marks the 19 year anniversary of my mom's passing. I've had people call and ask if I'm okay. I'm glad to say that I am. I miss her, but I don't grieve for her anymore. And like you, I don't remember everything about her. I can't remember what she sounded like, but I can remember how her feet would pop when she would walk across the house in the morning. McKenzie's sweet spirit has left an imprint on your heart that no amount of time can erase. It's okay to let the ache go, but I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like people think that I've forgotten about my mom because I don't cry for her everyday anymore. Grief is hard and tricky...glad you have Ryan to help you thought it. Much love from Idaho!

debbie said...

Just love you Kendra!!

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

Kendra I feel so sorry for the heartache you are in right now. There are no words to say how bad I feel for you. I pray for you and your healing process. I hope the best for you. Take care and remember one step at a time and one foot in front of the other.

ML said...

Glad things are going well for you. My family thinks of you often. We like looking at all your beautiful photos. You are an amazing woman. Did you know you sister Amy's son is in my son's kindergarten class? Small world, huh?

brigette said...

Oh man how I realte... I dont ever want to totally let the pain go because it scares the crap out of me that ill forget.. I dont ever want to forget.. Its amazing the little details I want to keep them all here and fresh... Im sorry you also have to know the pain!! Much love!

Tracy said...

I'm so sorry Kendra =( I can't imagine how you feel but my heart so aches for you. I pray that all of the memories you have of your little Makenzie will be with you forever, and that you will be able to feel her spirit around you as I know she is with you always! I hope you received my email I sent you also.

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