Sunday, January 2, 2011

easy?

"I never said it would be easy... I only said it would be worth it"

I remember seeing this quote in my bishops office when I was really young. I left that ward when I was 13 so its been over 10 years since I have even thought about it. I remember at the time thinking that it was a nice saying but not really thinking much of it.

The other day while we were driving some place and I was having one of those "hard" moments. one of those turning my head so much away from ryan that he couldn't get a glimpse of my face, trying not to make a sound as i couldn't hold back the tears. i hate those moments. trying to not break the good mood we had been feeling but not being able to take my mind off the "stuff".
lately for us, there have been so many new questions and decisions to make.
why--- i don't know... maybe because life started to get a little easier and we cant let that happen so we decided to throw a wrench into the mix!

anyway- while we were driving the thought of, "this is so not easy" kept repeating over and over in my head. that's when that quote just flashed back into my head. i sat there almost taken back. not really sure what just happened but almost feeling a huge AHH HAA moment. I couldn't get this picture of Jesus out of my head. It was this image that I saw recently in the window of Deseret book or something, i haven't ever seen this picture of Christ but it wouldn't leave my mind. I just sat there and thought- are you kidding me. Easy... I don't expect it to be easy but are.you.kidding.me. This. This life.
I was feeling these mixed emotions of... what the... and a weird sense of peace.

easy.
now who ever promised life would be easy? no one. so why did i expect my life to be anything but what its been?
this road i am on is only paving the way for whats next. holy hell batman. now that scares me. does that mean there could be more... pain... or does that mean the worst is over? who knows. ill just have to wait and see. the only thing i know is it will never be easy. no one has an easy life. if you do, open your eyes you crazy puppet. there is no easy life.
bummer.
sure wish i could say there was hope of one but nope-- there is not.
the hope... it comes later. after we suffer through all of this.
the lack of money, things, work, education, wants, desires, food, shelter, family, friends... will all pay off in the end. because those who have those really really NOT easy lives-- i think they will be given the most glorious ones in heaven.
now im not putting myself in this "really really NOT easy" category... sure i could say my life is the very very worst in the whole wide world but that would be a big fat lie!
oh how i miss my baby. how i wish more than anything i could have kept her even just a little longer. how i wish the next moves in life could be more clear. how i wish i could dream of her more.
how i wish i wasn't this crazy-anxiety/anti depressant pill poppin- counseling needing- crying everyday-totally irrational- praying for crazy things- curling up in her child's crib- eating cookie dough to take away the pain- kind of girl...
but... i really cant complain.
i can try, i usually do... on a daily basis actually because it makes me feel better.
but i shouldn't.
because i have soooo much.
my life isn't a fairytale, but who's is? not only do i have some pretty bad ass siblings, parentals, inlaws, friends, coworkers, aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents, blog friends, internet buddies :)
but i have this amazing- one of a kind- husband. whom i adore. and who i think kinda likes me to- sometimes, usually, well when im not in one of those crazy-anxiety/anti depressant pill poppin- counseling needing- crying everyday-totally irrational- praying for crazy things- curling up in her childs crib- eating cookie dough to take away the pain- moods...
and on top of that...
i also had an amazing amazing life with this perfect little angel who got to change my life. i was able to be a mother to this incredible spirit who is moving mountains. and i am now able to take my angel everywhere i go. for example, when I'm flying through the trees on a 4wheeler- im talking to my mini me who is right there with me. those are the times we have the very best talks. i so wish i could see her. i so wish i could just grab her and never let go. i would give up just about anything for that...
but instead i get to know she is safe. she is happy. she is soo very loved and she is being held by our heavenly father. she is being taken care of by the most amazing people in heaven.
life is so not easy.
but i have it so much better than most.
especially those poor people who don't know these things that i KNOW.

so on these days/nights where i just cant believe we really are going through this and we really have to make these decisions and have to worry about these things.
ill keep imaging my baby next to me saying:
"He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it... and Mom, Its SO worth it!"

11 comments :

Anonymous said...

It IS sooooo worth it, Kendra. Happy New Year. I love you guys!!
Auntie M

Emma said...

I love this post kendra, you are learning more about life, love, family etc every day....What Kenzie has given you is an incredible gift, both when she was here on Earth and still today-always teaching, always loving. Happy 2011 Kendra, I hope the year brings peace, more happier days and days filled with so much love. Love and hugs, Em

kmk said...

um.... Can you please write a book? Maybe that could be on your to do list. Holy cow girl every time you write I am in awe. What talent you have. And I think your absolutely right that she would say... Its soooo worth it...

Shawna said...

Wonderful Kendra! You're right -- it isn't easy, but if we keep on going with Him in the lead, it will be worth it. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Tristan said...

This was a really inspiring post. You have grown so much this past year and I can tell every time I read your blog. Sometimes I wonder if after the Lord helps us through trials, He strengthens us to share what we have learned with others to help them. This is YOU! A strength and an example to others. Thanks for your testimony. You are a rock!

Heather said...

Hi! I just started blog stalking you. I found myself staying awake until 2am just reading, crying and understanding. The loss of a child is an amazing pain. One that I only know by our foster kids going home. You never know when those tears will flow. I love the way you write. Thank You Thank you!

Heather

Anonymous said...

Kendra I love you girl!! You are amazing and continue to amaze me! This post gave me chills!!! Thank you for sharing all that you do and making us better!

Love Katrina
It will be so Worth it! I needed to be reminded of that quote thank you... :)

Barrett, Melinda, & Angel Trinity Adams said...

I keep "HOPING" all this pain of our babies death will be "WORTH IT"...at times that's all I have to grasp on to during the "Depths of Despair"...those "Moments" that you can't control...the rush of pain, emotions, tears, etc.

Just know you are not alone on your journey...I wish we didn't have to walk this journey. It's been 3.5 years since my precious princess passed away.

Love always,
Melinda Adams
(Mother to Angel Trinity Adams)

brigette said...

What a beautiful post Kendra. Sometimes its hard to think its worth it but we do have so much to live for and be grateful for! You inspire me as always to be a better person and to do good in my sweet babies name!! Love ya Kendra!!

TMI Tara said...

Oh such philosophy, Kendra! Your soul is learning so much. Kenzie is teaching you so much!

I have so many thoughts flooding my mind that my little fingers can barely type fast enough to keep up! Mainly these things have come to mind:

Only when we have known the bitter may we recognize and truly appreciate the sweet (2 Nephi 2:15, Moses 5:11).

"The cavity created by the suffering through which we go becomes a receptacle for compensating blessings." ~Kahlil Gibran

I believe 200% in everything you said. You will be blessed immeasurably for any pain you go through in this life. I believe that the image of Christ that came to your mind when you were experiencing so much pain was an answer to all those prayers. HE is the answer. Through him, all things can come to pass. Not because I'm telling you or because you want it, but just because it is the truth. I know as you continue to seek answers to all the hard questions you face and all the pain you deal with that you will continue to build so much knowledge and strength and grace and beauty and Kenzie will help you and be SO proud of you. I will help you too and I am proud of you too. Because you do try. Because you keep going. Because you don't take the easy path, but do what you believe to be the right things and the best things for you and Ryan and your future. And your future will be bright because of these struggles! Oh Kendra it will most definitely be SO worth it!!!!

Love you so much! x's and o's

TMI Tara said...

I kept trying to tell myself that I'd left a long enough comment and didn't need to add anymore or it would become a sermon, but I cannot stop thinking one thing.

It's okay when you feel those feelings of "Why is it so hard? Why me?" etc etc. I hope you don't feel guilty when you feel those questions....because even Christ asked the Lord to take away his pain in Gethsemane. You're in your own Gethsemane, Kendra, and it's okay to ask certain questions and wonder why it's so hard. I just hope you know it's okay. And here's a quote, one of my favorites ever.

"Anyone …will have occasion to ask, Why is this so hard? Why doesn’t it go better? ....

"You will have occasion to ask those questions. I have thought about this a great deal. I offer this as my personal feeling. I am convinced that [life] is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy.... How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him? It seems to me that [everyone has] to spend at least a few moments in Gethsemane. [We] have to take at least a step or two toward the summit of Calvary.

"Now, please don’t misunderstand. I’m not talking about anything anywhere near what Christ experienced. That would be presumptuous and sacrilegious. But I believe that … to come to the truth, to come to salvation, to know something of this price that has been paid, all will have to pay a token of that same price.

"For that reason I don’t believe [life] has ever been easy... I believe it is supposed to require some effort, something from the depths of our soul.

"If He could come forward in the night, kneel down, fall on His face, bleed from every pore, and cry, “Abba, Father (Papa), if this cup can pass, let it pass” then little wonder that salvation is not a whimsical or easy thing for us. If you wonder if there isn’t an easier way, you should remember you are not the first one to ask that. Someone a lot greater and a lot grander asked a long time ago if there wasn’t an easier way.

"The Atonement will carry [you]. When you struggle, when you are rejected, when you are spit upon and cast out and made a hiss and a byword, you are standing with the best life this world has ever known, the only pure and perfect life ever lived. You have reason to stand tall and be grateful that the Living Son of the Living God knows all about your sorrows and afflictions. The only way to salvation is through Gethsemane and on to Calvary. The only way to eternity is through Him—the Way, the Truth, and the Life."

~Jeffrey R. Holland

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