the babies

We had a fun weekend escaping from our lives and running to these babies.

We couldn't get enough of these faces

We had so much fun and are just counting the days till we see them again.

You can read HERE why this family is so special...

Remember

Ill say it again... I hate memory. I hate how it goes away. I hate that even the most significant moments in my life slip away in time. No matter how much you think about something. No matter how much you repeat it over and over. It tends to change over time and then you look back and know the memory you have in your mind isn't all that accurate. Its been changed a bit and then I get angry. I get angry because I wish I could forget everything else and just remember those 5 months. I wish I wrote down more. I wish I recorded more. I wish I took more pictures. Just so I can still see everything.

Although-- even that wouldn't be enough. I want to smell everything and hear everything.

I found a couple random pictures. They were pictures I could remember. I want to always remember.

Seriously the very best day of my life. Obviously the day she was born. I have written about my birth story so I don't need to write that out again but in this picture I just remember thinking how cute she is. I was shocked at how big her feet were. We immediately said she was wearing a pair of skis. I felt so good after she finally came out. I was ready to get into a room and eat something. I was starving. They took her to the nursery which made me a bit nervous. I tried to walk to my room but the nurse wouldn't let me. She made me sit in the wheelchair. We got the room about 4:00 am. Ryan was so hungry and of course what does any man want after welcoming his first child into the world?  Betos! A breakfast burrito. Yes- its true. He left his brand new baby and wife to get a breakfast burrito :)

Its okay I actually pushed him out the door because I wanted him to get something to eat so he could help me with Makenzie and not be a grumpy pants. They didn't have anything to offer me since it was so early but cereal. I will tell you right now I have never tasted anything so good in my life. I guess I was just so hungry but it was the perfect meal. It felt like forever until they brought Kenzie back. I hate to say but I cant remember what they were doing with her. They wheeled her next to my bed and asked if I wanted to try nursing. That was a really weird experience. I never expected it to feel like it did. Strange! But an amazing strange. She did okay, not great. Her blood sugar was off (cant remember if it was high or low) so we had to supplement. There was a tube of formula running down my boob into her mouth. Again. Strange. But I wanted so much for her to just be okay and be healthy so whatever, Ill do anything.

This was at Red Lobster on July 20th. The day after she came home and 2 days after she was born. Yes I'm nuts for taking my brand new baby out so soon but come on- it was her Daddys birthday and all he wanted was to go to dinner. Grandma B held her most of the time. I remember watching her from across the table and actually missing her. Wanting to grab her and snuggle her. But I knew I would get to squash that girl all night long so I let Grandma take over for a bit :)

She was so tiny and everyone kept staring at us. I remember wanting to scream out that she was mine. That I was a mom. It was a weird feeling to say I was the mom of this little girl.

I cant remember if I bought her bow or if it was a gift. I think I bought it. The shirt was one I did buy. It was preemie and still a little big. Her blanket was from her bedding set and was given to us as a gift at one of her baby showers.

I was back at work for only a month before she got sick. In that month, however, I cried every single day. I hated leaving her and just wanted to sit at home and stare at her face. This morning I was putting off going as long as possible. I thought she looked cute and I really just wanted to stay with her. I thought a little photo op would be appropriate. First it was just Makenzie, then Harley jumped up and wanted to give her some lovin. Harley was always so gentle with her. She would hardly make a sound or move to quickly when Makenzie was out of our arms. I think she was scared we would totally flip out if she came to close to the baby or something. She would only kiss her feet so we would take Kenzies socks off and Harley would go to town giving love after love. Harley adores this girl.

When we watch videos of her and she makes noise. Harley will come from wherever in the house and run to the computer or tv and just stare at it. She will tilt her head and perk up her ears. Then we will say "Wheres the baby Harley?" She will quickly turn to look at us, come right up to our lap and just sit there and wag her tail looking around. She only does that when we ask where the baby is. If its anything else she starts barking and runs around. I know she still gets to see the baby.

This whole outfit was bought the weekend after we found out we were having a girl. Ryan and I went to Park City and spent way to much money and bought so much stuff for this girl! I loved the polka dots.

I loved being home with this muffin. On a daily basis I would pray to God and tell him that if today never ended I would be happy for forever. I always wanted to freeze time. I couldn't get enough of her and never ever wanted to put her down. She rarely napped in her crib. She slept in it very well every night but during the day, I just wanted to hold her. I didn't want her to be alone and I didn't want her to think I left or something. Yeah I'm a dork! Laundry was a little hard. But we figure it out. She was the best helper with all the chores. This outfit was given to us by her cousin Olivia who wore it when she was a baby.

October 18th. We tried to take her 3 month pictures. She was a very angry girl this day and didn't want anything to do with the camera or being put down. We got 1 picture out of like a million we took. We did get some cute ones of me holding her but not many. We were in our bedroom and the weather was really nice. It felt good to stand by the window and have the sun warming us. I painted her toes that morning to match mine. I thought she looked really cute in her flower dress.

I bought her dress at old navy just a couple weeks earlier and her bracelet was a gift.

I'm not sure what we are doing with her here. I just remember thinking we dressed her in West High colors (both mine and Ryans alma mater) I look at this and wonder what was I thinking dressing her in this. Its not that cute. Oh poor girl. But hey, notice the leggins. Seriously-- all the time!

December 12th

I see this picture and feel like I'm there. I can hear this picture. Those beeps. Those buzzers. The people walking. I know this picture. She was flinging her arms all over. She was so so so sleepy and just couldn't stay comfy or something. I thought it was cute when she would cover her eyes when she was sleeping. She had been having a rough couple days and this was no exception. She was not happy, in pain and so tired. I hate remembering how much she hurt. Through it all she would smile like crazy. She would watch us with her big blue eyes and would melt in our arms. I always liked when they would change her bedding. It seemed so uncomfortable to me and when they would fold everything, roll everything and get the new stuff put down I felt she was more happy. They changed it usually once a day. She had a little gel pillow. Sometimes she would use it sometimes not. I knew how that suction worked by now and I always wanted to suction her out myself but wasn't allowed and really didn't have anyone teach me so feared I could mess something up and that's the last thing I could imagine doing to her. Her blanket was a good comfort to her. We could tuck it under all those tubes so they wouldn't be resting on her body and stuff it around her face. I think it was extra security and made her feel like someone was always there. Which we were.

I held her so much her whole life it broke my heart to be so limited in the hospital. I felt so bad because I couldn't just scoop her up. I wanted her to know I was here and would help her. Holding her was the best yet hardest. I loved feeling her weight and feeling kinda like a parent for a few seconds but It was always so uncomfortable. We were literally safety pinned to the chair in one position only. I couldn't adjust her or move her. That damn breathing tube was so fragile that once she was set in my arms she was to stay there until someone came to get her. I never wanted to put her back. I just wanted to sit there all day. Either my dumb arm would fall asleep and I would keep holding her until I couldn't take it anymore, I had to go to the bathroom which again I would hold off until I was going to wet myself or her tubes are all reasons she would need to go back.  Her tubes were the main reason. They would move and cause more secretion build up making her cough and gag and not breath well so they had to put her back in order to suction and situate her again.

Its been 18 months. A Year and a half. Its been so long.

Makenzie Rye. Oh little love. I miss you like crazy. I am in a weird place in life and the only thing that brings me back to reality is thinking of you. Thinking of the life I still need to lead in order to get back to you. Thinking I cant give up because I have so much more to accomplish in honor of you.

I drive around talking to you. Do you hear me? I have been asking you a few big requests lately. Don't feel pressure :) I just want to make things right. I cant thank you enough for living the life you gave me.

Not only for the beautiful life you once lived but for the beautiful life you are living now.

You continue to change me every day.

I love you to infinity.

I miss you.

I pray you are laughing, playing, jumping and breathing in freedom.

Love Mom.

I cant tonight.

I used to write on most every bad day or moment. It helped. I got out of that habit somehow. Maybe because it was partly me feeling I needed to find another way to deal, I don't know.
Tonight. I'm trying anything.
I just can't.
I can't.
I'm sitting in this chair.
Crying that horrid cry.
I can't stop.
I am missing.
I hold her little hand.
The mold that was made 5 days before.
My thumb fits perfect.
I can't stop thinking about my life at that time, in this chair, with her.
Her I'm my arms after a bath. Lavender smell. Warm. Favorite pjs. Story. I cheated and skipped pages. Why did I skip pages??
Then I kissed her head.
I tickled her face.
I put her to bed. Before she was asleep. Why did I put her down?
I feel her in my arms when I close my eyes. I smell her.


God I want her. Help me. I can't breathe. I'm trying to breath and my chest is burning. I can't get a breath. I want to scream but nothing comes out. The tears are hot and just fall. Faster and faster. I want my baby. I want her hands. I would give anything. Anything. I keep begging God, my sister , grandmas anyone to hold her. Give her kisses and read her a story. Please just hold her.
How do I do this?
I still can't figure it out.
I want that weight in my arms.
I want that smell.
I want her in my life.
I don't understand.
I'm trying to be ok.
To say this is ok.
I can't. Not now. It's not ok. It's not. I want her. I need her. She is the reason I breathe. I'm realizing I can't breathe. Not now. Not without her.
Please God, please give her to me. Just for a day. Let me hold her and kiss her. Let me read her a story. I just want a day. Please.
Baby I miss you. I miss you more than I thought someone could miss. I am broken. I am not me. I am just here. Without you. I need you. I need to see you. I need to kiss your lips. Ah I miss your lips. I miss your fingers. I miss your eyes and belly and toes and ears and bald spot. Please don't let me keep living without you. Please let this be a mistake and you come back. Please come back.
God. I can't breathe. I can't. I can't do this without your breath. Your heart. Please. I can't.

Why did I skip pages??

Her fingers always fit perfectly into mine.

I will never let you go

When you were in the hospital I prayed every single day that I could trade places with you. I prayed that I could take this all away somehow. I prayed I would hurt instead of you. I held you. I kissed  you. I did anything I could to make sure you knew you were not alone and that I would be by you every single second. I never wanted you to be scared. I never wanted you to hurt. I hated more.than.anything in this whole world- watching you cry. Without being able to make a sound. Without being able to move. But having those silent tears fall down your face. I would have done anything to take that away. To let you breathe, to let you move, to let you live. 

I still pray every day for that. 

For you to be happy, free, loved and in an incredible place. I still pray to let me take any hurt or pain away from you now. I cant be there to hold you, to kiss you or to whip your tears. God please don't let there be tears. Just be happy. I pray you never have to known pain again. 

The first time I heard this song I thought of us. In the hospital. and every one of those prayers.                 I wish I could have done more. I wish I could have given you so much more. 

I Wont Let Go.

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

I will make it up to you one day. One day we will be together and we will never have to know that life. 

I will be able give you the world. I will be able take all the bad away and we will be able just love for the rest of forever.

On that day, I will hold you and I will never ever let you go, I promise.

Change you forever kind of lemons

Its funny the lemons that life throws at you.
I think about my basket of lemons probably more than I should.
I should make lemonade with my lemons right?
Turn something not so good into something good.
I feel I have done that. To an extent.
But sometimes when you are thrown a lemon-- making that lemonade isn't so easy.
Maybe when it was thrown at you, it hit you in the face causing lemon juice to drip into your new black eye that it left you with. That doesn't make it easy to make lemonade. Maybe that juice causes permanent blindness! You will always remember that lemon. That damn lemon that changed your life!
I may be taking this analogy a bit to far but you get the idea.

I was sitting in Makenzies room this weekend and I just kept thinking over and over--- my daughter died.
Died.
That word is so permanent. So raw. There is no way of sugar coating.
I remember years ago paying house for hours and hours with the kids in my neighborhood. I was the mom, I always had like a billion kids. I told them what to do, they served me, that was it. That was life to me. There was no D word. I feel like that kid back then and even the mother I was when Makenzie was first born was so foolish. I think of me at that time and think how could I have been so--- oblivious ---- To think nothing like this could ever happen.  How was life so simple. So black and white.

I sat in her bright pink room, surrounded by all her things. Thinking about sitting in that same spot when I was 9 months pregnant sooo ready for this little girl to just get out already.
I thought about the day I walked in that room for the first time with her in my arms.
I thought about her first night in that bed. I thought about the other 100+ days I spend in that room with her. Never with the thought that this could happen.
My little girl is turning 2 next month. 2. a toddler. a big girl.
But somehow we will once again be celebrating her birthday without her here. Without knowing what life would be like past 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days.

My friend Ashley who also lost her little girl wrote a post that really hit me. She wrote about how she hates looking at pictures of herself before the accident. She wrote about how she wishes she could yell at herself at that time and tell herself not to take any moment for granted. She proceeded to talk about how she nor her husband will never be "normal" or who they once were ever again.

Its not that I have been trying to be who I once was, its that I have been trying to convince everyone else to understand I wont be that way ever again. I just have not known how to explain it and maybe not understood it myself. Its almost been 18 months.
Where I feel I "should" be or where other feel we "should" be is irrelevant.  The truth is we never will be there. We will never be in that place. We will never be even close to the same people we were 18 months ago. We have seen things in life that most never see.
We held onto our daughter as she fought for her life in a hospital bed.
We cried into her body as she took her last breath.
We planned a funeral.
We stood by her casket.
We carried her casket.
We buried our daughter.
We visit her body.

That isn't like anyone elses life. Not unless you have lived it.
Like I said its not that I have been trying to be who I once was but I have been struggling through some things that I have to understand wont be how they once were. I don't think the same, act the same, love the same, talk the same, believe the same or see the world the same. I cant expect ill put blinders on and not remember Makenzie in every single thing we do.

I am changing and will keep changing for the rest of my life.
That hurts my heart.
To know neither I or Ryan will ever be close to the people we once were.

I still love him. More than anything in the world. To the moon and back. and I can honestly say I love him more today than I did yesterday. or the day before. because somehow, my heart grows more for him every single moment. Just like it still does with Makenzie.
But I hate knowing he has had to live this as well. I hate knowing he has to feel this hurt.
I will live forever trying to make him smile.
I hope he knows he makes me smile without any effort. Just because he is who he is.

Everyday we are walking in uncharted territory. With lemons we will never forget, that have changed us forever. In every possible way.
I am blessed to have this life because if I didn't have this life I wouldn't have the 2 most important people in my life. Right now. I just have to hold on and grow into this new person. See who I am. Develop. Learn. And make not only my daughter and husband proud but myself as well.
I will learn how to smile in this new way. Even if it takes my whole life, Ill figure it out.

The article Ashley shared really struck me. It was very powerful and I will forever keep it close and read it often.

The start of the birthday extravaganzas!

Brother in law + Nephews Birthday = A drive up Weber Canyon for Birthday Dinner

The girls obviously drove with us. That is 4 girls & Ryan in a little car with Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez blaring (Funny combo right?)

Don't feel to bad for him. He was dancing and singing along with us.

As we were driving up the canyon and I was getting little to no laughs out of the back seat and was feeling rather bad about myself. It was crickets and awkward stares when I was rocking out but as soon as Ryan moved as much as fixing his hair they were rolling around in laughter. It made me wonder if I'm cool anymore?
Seriously. When are you no longer cool? What age is that? I'm not talking about when you are a parent and when are you no longer cool in your kids eyes. That's bound to happen. I have accepted that. But when are you no longer cool to your nieces and nephews? When are you just a weird adult trying waaayy to hard to get their approval? I guess I have reached that stage. I know they love me. I mean I buy their love with gifts, movies, treats and barbies. I guess that doesn't last for forever.
*sigh*

If you ever drive up Weber canyon you have to stop at Taggarts Grill. This is only the second time Ryan and I have been and we have loved it both times.

We didnt leave without some amazing dessert. Seriously. Look at these things! Yummy.

Birthday Family!

I think their mascot or something is the Peacock. They have at least one living on their property. We finally saw it as we were leaving. It was screaming at us from the roof.

The drive there and back was so pretty. The mountains are so green its amazing.

Well 2 down - 18 to go!

Let the Birthday fun continue!

Between now and Labor Day!

20- The number of birthdays in our immediate family within the next 3 months

19-  The number of months our downstairs roomie J has been living with us! Which will end this month as she is moving on to her own apartment.
18 - Of July that will be the day my baby girl turns 2!
17- The number of panic attacks I have had in the last hour. Seriously my stress level has reached an all time high!

16- Of August is the day I will be throwing a baby shower for our new nephew!
15-  The amount of new recipes I have found online that I want to try.
14- The number of hours it will take me to finish laundry this weekend. I have let it go far to long.
13- x2 1/2 is the age Ryan will be turning in July! 27!
12- x2 is the age I will be turning in August! 24!
11- The number of weekends we have something planned from now until Labor Day.
10 - The number of weeks left in the Summer semester... I have once again found total lack of motivation in school. I am not loving my classes even though they are rather easy and fun.
9- The number if times I hope I can make it to the Farmers Market this year. I want some fresh veggies. That's 3 times a month. But based on the amount of weekends we have booked I don't see this happening.
8- The number of days I'm giving the sun to please come out so I can play! I need a tan! I'm going to get cranky.
7- The number of weeks left until the fundraiser in July!!! Which by the way is coming along... But very slowly! I have had a hard time really getting on top of everything. I think I'm still tired from last year. I'm excited for it but just running out of ideas and trying not to break the bank like we did last year. We have all the entertainment booked and ready to go! I hope many of you from Utah can make it. July 22. Concert in the park. But its much more than a concert. We will have Polynesian dancers as well as lots of other entertainment. You will definitely want to come!
6- The number of weekends we have planned down at the cabin this summer. 
5- The number of boxes I have packed up in the last week to get our house a little more clutter free. Its so bare and looking more and more not like our home but we are just hoping and praying someone else wants it for their home soon. Seriously 6 months. I know that's not a long time in this market but I'm very impatient and I'm so ready to be out of there.

4- The number of couches we have sold in our 4 years of living in our house. Yes 4 couches! We managed to sell our big sectional and just bought a nice regular size couch. We still need to break it in. Not extremely comfy yet.
3- The number of individuals in my little family - Ryan-Kendra-Makenzie- who's birthdays all fall pretty much within 1 month of each other. Ah its expensive this time of year!
2- The number of trips planned to Pocatello this summer. I hope we can add another!
1- The number of camo bikinis I have donated to the DI in the last week. It was a sad day but a needed one. Who in the world let me buy that thing? Seriously Ryan?!

For just a little update on our crazy busy life.
We are still here. Still moving. and still having fun.
So many things coming up. I need to hire an assistant.