Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Yesterday was this little persons half birthday. That means year 2 is officially half way over and we are that much closer to year 3.
Ryan & I were married for just over 2.5 years before we had our first babe.
We were then left with empty arms. Parents with no child to hold for another 2.5 years before this one was born.
Somehow all those other 2.5 years blocks seemed to feel like a lifetime in an of themselves.
First a life that Ryan and I started. Where we had dreams and crazy goals and innocence.
To a life we then mourned. To a life we felt would never be right. Where there would never be real happiness and love again. Where having dreams seemed silly because they were over for us.
Now we are at the next 2.5 year block of our life and it has gone by in a blink.
I hear people say all the time how they don't remember life before their kids.
Well I do.
It's very clear in my mind the life before Makenzie and the life before Tracker.
I remember the happiness and the carefree world we once shared. I see the pictures of those 2 people who are hard to recognize now. I remember the problems they faced at that point in life. I remember their struggles.
I also remember the years after burying our daughter. The sleepless nights. The screaming and yelling and hysterics. I remember our struggles and our problems then. I remember the lows and the highs. I remember learning to breathe and function and eventually live again.
What our life was like 2.5 years ago is very clear in my mind.
and I can say we are very different people today.
I had a friend tell me that they don't feel any different today after having several kids than they did before having any kids. I cant even grasp that concept. Having our children completely changed us.
and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Makenzie taught us just how deep our love can go. We knew we loved her. We knew we loved each other. but my God we had no idea just how much. and honestly there is no way anyone can really grasp the depths of love until you are on the edge like that. Makenzie taught us strength, determination, endurance. She also taught us pain, despair and what a real life broken heart is. Now those don't sound like the most amazing things for our child to teach us. but if it wasn't for learning that. We never would have been able to experience the amount of joy and happiness and love we feel for Tracker.
Its such a confusing and frustrating thought. This is another one of those things I battle with whenever I am wishing Makenzie was here and accepting what our life is with her dead.
This life we have been able to live with Tracker is not like anything I can explain. There are no words to explain just how much I adore him. Just how much I love him. Just how thankful I am that he is ours. Some people don't think you should live your life for your children... I guess I am one of the ones doing it wrong because I do and I love it. I love that our life revolves around this little person. I don't think its wrong if anyone else does it different but it really pisses me off when people openly tell me I am wrong. I guess just another one of those things I wish we could all just lift each other up instead of tearing each other down for simply doing things in a different way... but that's for another post...
Anyway- as for today I am so thankful for all of these periods in my life. I won't always say that or feel that but for today I am thankful.
They have put me where I am at in my life with these people of mine and with the lessons we have learned. and for that I can't imagine things being any different.