Before I dive into this post I had to apologize for the lack of goods on this blog. Seriously I feel like I barely am keeping up on the other blog and its all very much documenting. I haven't been able to just write in so long. I seriously don't have time. All you Mums are probably laughing at me. Seriously. I have 1 child. I only work part time. and I don't have time? There are full time Mums, full time workers, with multiple children. How do you all do it? I have said several times I am not sure we will have another kid because I cant get my shit together with 1. We are nearing the 1 year mark. Seriously. How is my booboo a year? *insert broken heart* He is seriously pure happiness. He is amazing. but he isn't easy. I'm sure no child is easy but I can only compare to him.
So I have to say this Mum/Wife/Human being balance is seriously HARD. I am to tired at the end of the day to be a good enough wife to Ryan to give him quality time (not always the dirty). I am consistently feeling guilty for not bringing in more of the money to help our family. I then feel guilty to even think about working out side the home and not being here for Tracker. People seriously its hard.
When Makenzie was born we were in a situation I had to work. There was no option for me to stay home. I was lucky enough to get 12 weeks of maternity leave and then I had to go back. I only worked a month and a half before Makenzie was admitted to Primary Children's and I stopped working again. The month and a half was HORRIBLE. Every single day I dropped her off I cried the entire way to work. I couldn't stop thinking of her. I felt extreme guilt. I was consistently trying to figure out how I could be home with her. I loved my job at the time. I was successful and starting a career. I felt fulfilled in that aspect of my life but all of that at the end of the day didn't matter when I was coming home just a few hours before Makenzie went to bed.
Now here I am. Home. and I still feel that guilt.
I am living my dream. I thank Ryan everyday for letting me stay home and take care of Tracker. Everyday I am amazed I get to do this everyday. I honestly cant justify actually having Tracker in daycare and going to work because at this moment I don't have to. I am lucky enough to have a part time job from home and that really should satisfy my guilt. I guess its not that getting out of the house/sacrifice I imagine always imagined I was going to have. I never thought I would be able to be home with my kids.
I do miss the success. I felt good about myself. It was nice when I would get recognized for completing a task. I don't really get a review, award or praise for finishing the laundry.
(although I seriously think I should)
Can any of you other Mums relate?
I know I'm totally asking for to much! I want one thing and I get it. Then I'm not satisfied.
I just have to get more of a balance and be happy with that balance.
I have been trying harder to exercise more regularly.
I am working harder on strengthening my relationship with God.
and I am always working on being the best wife and Mum to my favorite boys.
and I will work harder on being a better blogger because seriously I love it.