Friday, April 12, 2013

Feelings

This post might not make sense. It will most likely be all over the place. I just need to write.
It's been 7 months since the day tracker was born. 7 months of this new life. This life that has been simply amazing. How has it been so long since I lived that life? Being a mother with no living children? The mom who felt like I should be a mom but with no child to care for. That seemed like forever ago but so recent as well. My life being a Mum of a 7 month old son is incredible. How do I even describe it? Never would I ever expect to be this happy? Have this much love. Be this blessed? I am thankful everyday for Tracker. I tell God over and over how thankful I am for everything about him. I thank him for his eyes and ears and nose and smile and giggle and for the way he snuggled me today or the way he reaches for me. I thank him daily for it all. For giving me another day with him. and everyday I mean it more than the last day. Everyday I am more grateful.
and since the day Tracker was born I have felt guilty feeling anything but that. Gratitude. Because I feel like if I feel anything else he might take Tracker away. I feel like I have to almost walk on egg shells because if I show that I am the least bit ungrateful, impatient or sad that this will all end.
I don't know why I feel that way but I do.
I have had a really hard time understanding and managing my feelings about Makenzie.
We talk about her every single day. We say her name. We laugh about silly things she did. We ask Tracker questions about her. Everyday she is still in our home. In our life. In our family.
but everyday I also miss her like crazy. And many days I just want to curl up and beg for the world to stop spinning. To put everything on hold. and to just cry.
To miss her.
To miss her with my whole heart.
To ache for her.
To dream about her.
I feel like if I slow down or stop or surrender to those feelings ill miss out on the gift God has given me with Tracker. That ill not see something I should see. That he will think I'm taking Tracker for granted. That I'm not being a good enough mom.
So I push it away. I take a big sigh. I gulp down that giant lump in my throat and I get back to the beautiful life I have with my beautiful son.
Then it comes again. Over and over. and I don't know what to do. It seems to get harder and harder.
I want to scream it out. I want to yell. I want to curl up and let it all fall out in tears.
But I am petrified to do so. I just can't do it.
I let a little out.
But then feel overwhelming guilt and stop myself.
Everyday I look at Tracker and marvel at the child that is in front of me. and then she comes into my head.
and so does the missing. the memories. the realization that she is gone. the images of her casket. her grave. they are all in the front of my mind but I feel if I let them out ill get in trouble or something.
That God will be mad. That I'm being a selfish brat. That he has given me a new and healthy baby so I should be fine. Right?
Every picture I take of Tracker immediately is imagined in a memorial video.
sick. twisted.
I take a picture of him and his Dad and subconsciously think we will be grateful we have this picture if he dies. Every picture makes me think this. I can't bring myself to ever delete a picture of him. Not even a blurry one. Because I know how it feels when its all over and I know the feeling of wishing I had more pictures. More memories. More of her still.
There is consistently new images in my mind of him dieing.
He drowns in the bathtub, he chokes on his food, he falls, we get into a car accident, someone shakes him, he stops breathing, he gets sick. Every God damn day images run through my mind of him dieing. of god taking him. of holding his body. of having to say good bye. of planning a funeral. of making that memorial video that holds the beginning, middle and end to his life.
and everyday I make myself stop. Stop cleaning, stop working, stop taking. and sit there. Sit there and watch him. Learn every small detail. Memorize his face. His movements. His sounds. I smell him. I love on him. And I beg God not to take him.
I promise I'll be thankful. I'll love more. I'll do more with him. I'll stop more. I'll not get overwhelmed. I'll hold him more. I'll barter. I'll promise one thing as long as he doesn't take my son. Everyday.
Is this good? Is this detrimental? Is this normal?
So much love. So much hurt. So much gratitude. So much missing. So much happiness. So much fear. So much hope. So much denial.
What is okay? What is not?

I don't know.
I don't know how to sort my feelings. I don't really know how to deal with them. 
So I write.

17 comments :

Simply Shannon said...

Your feelings are real, normal, and allowed! I have a coworker, Les, whose blog Desperately Wanting to Believe Again is amazing. His wife and one of his sons were murdered by someone they knew and trusted. Les was a minister. He is coming to grips with his feelings about life, and about God. He is not preaching any more. You may recognize some of your conversations with God in his writing. Read a little if you feel able.

tanyab88 said...

Your feelings are so normal. I lost my sweet baby Jaden at 15 days old due to prematurity. His twin brother Ryan survived and is 3 now. I still overly worry constantly about losing him. The thought of going through that pain again is unbearable. I don't think I would survive if I were to lose him or my daughter Makenzie who is two. Ryan started preschool and a week after he did, that school shooting happened, where those children were shot. I almost pulled him from school. But he loves it, so I didn't but I keep picturing that happening at his school. So I guess what I'm saying is the worry will never go away. Ever. And for us parents who lost a baby or child our worry is times ten. Hugs and love to you.
Tanya

Maxie's Mommy said...

You've done an amazing job describing how I feel each and every day. Totally overjoyed to have my second child, scared to death of making THE mistake that will take him away from me (I take photos and videos non stop and always think "we'll want to remember what he was like when he ate puffs, or watched tv, or played with his toys...), and so sad that I can't lie in bed and cry the whole day away anymore. It's a crazy, CRAZY life we have. You are doing a wonderful job. Tracker is so cute. I'm glad he is here!!!

sarah.richman said...

Kendra,
I know you have been through alot more when compaired to a mom like my self, but we all have worries.. I have days where my mind wonders to horrible things just by every day living, like walking in to a different room than the room my kids are in.. it's normal to have some PARANOIA as a mom..

Ryan,Erika,Kaylee and Khloe Pettersson said...

Oh Kendra! This is so sad! I feel so heartbroken for you all over again, because living like this must be so hard for you. Constant fear and guilt... Fear I understand becuase of what you have been through. You know how fragile life is and how someone you love can be taken away from you. I know you have gotten so many comments from people thanking you for sharing your story becuase they hold their kids a little tighter, they stop washing dishes and roll around on the floor with their little ones instead, that they are better moms because of you. I know, because I was one of them. You are too. You put down whatever you are doing to play or just state at Tracker becuase you don't want to miss out on anything. But I also think that all that fear, guilt is killing you inside. What you have described sounds like a torture. That is no way to live. Not for long anyway. You can't expect to be perfect, to never get mad at your boy for coming home past his curfew. God will not take him away if you put him in preschool one day because you will "miss out" on 5 hours of his life twice a day. You are a mom, but you are also Kendra. It's ok to take time for yourself, away from everyone, including your baby. I know it's easy for me to say, because I have not (thank God) walked in your shoes, but I feel incredible love for you as I think that you are just one of the sweetest, most loving people one this planet an you deserve to be happy. Notion deserve to make mistakes as a mom, ask for forgiveness each night and start over the next day knowing you do the best you can. That you have been forgiven for raising your voice or losing your patience. You will not be punished, but you will be forgiven. That's how God works.
Maybe a counselor would be a great idea for you? Not becuase I think you're crazy, but becuase all of this must be so so so hard for you and I can't imagine living in such fear daily. It must tear your heart apart and you deserve to be happy. Not that you are not, you know what I mean.
Take care of yourself, so you can take care of Tracker too. You are incredible, and I look up to you. I love you and pray for you.... Xo

Ryan,Erika,Kaylee and Khloe Pettersson said...

And One more thing. You don't have to prove to God that you are worthy of being Tracker's mom, being there every second, not missing out on anything... He already knows it. That's why he sent him to you. He knows your heart and knows you would give your life for that little boy. Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. Making mistakes and all. You are not perfect. And will not be. And feeling that pressure of feeling like you must be or a tragedy will happen is a hard way to live....
Praying for you

letty said...

I'm so sorry you're going through that torture!! Honey you've been through a lot and only the people who have lost a child can understand your feelings!! I pray for ya'll everyday and i will ask god for you to have comfort and strenth!! God bless ya'll!!

Michelle said...

I have been following your blog for awhile and have never left a comment before now. A couple things I want you to know about me before you read the rest of my comment are: 1)I don't want this to come across as preachy. 2)I am not a person to shove religion down anybody's throats--don't like it when people do that to me. 3)I don't even belong to a church--but did attend church as a child and my dad is a man of God and I lean on him a lot for any troubles I have in my life. 4)Despite not attending church regularly, I have a deep faith in the Lord. 5)I am speaking from experience--I've had something weighing heavily on my heart, was about to destroy my life, my marriage, the way I parented, etc. That being said I'll continue.
My heart goes out to you and I just want to help. I've grown to love you from reading your blog. I wish I could speak you face-to-face. I care about you. Everything you think and feel are normal for a person who has suffered a loss such as yours. God does not want you to continue to live your life feeling this way. You do not deserve to suffer like this. My suggestion is to turn to God for help. Pray. Pour your heart and soul out to him. He already knows what you're going through. He's there waiting for you to come to Him and be ready for His help. He will lift this burden from you once you accept His help. Then, and only then, will you feel better. It's Satan who is putting these thoughts in your head and your heart. He rejoices when we are in pain and all that results from that pain. Don't let him win. I took this advice and it totally worked for me. Good luck. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. I don't know if the new blog you started is for friends and family only, but if you are letting strangers in I wouldn't mind having the privilege of continuing to follow you and your beautiful family. Thank you!

crescent said...

My heart aches for you. This post literally brought tears streaming down my cheeks. There are so many things to worry about that I haven't thought of because I haven't lost a child. I do know that God LOVES us. He IS our father and wants us to be happy. It helps me to look at how I feel towards my children when they are sad, worried, naughty, or can't quite get something. I don't feel upset at them, but want to help them, comfort them, and encourage them. I believe God isn't waiting for us to make mistakes in order to justify punishing us, but he is watching over us as a concerned father. He loves you and wants to comfort you.

Barbi and Jodi said...

Kendra,

I have never met you but I have been following your blog for a long time. I have never commented before but this post tugged at my heart strings. I feel I need to let you know how blessed you were to be chosen to be the mother of an angel!! It seems that you feel like you are being punished for something with Makenzies death, and nothing could be farther from the truth!! Heavenly Father knows and loves you. He knows your daily struggles and is with you every step of the way....I cannot say I know how you feel or I understand what you go thru daily, but I do know that you will see Makenzie again and you will be able to raise her like you dream about. I pray that you will have peace in your heart and that you will be able to enjoy every second of everyday you have with Tracker. Your story has touched so many people and I am sure you have helped many who have gone thru the same trial of losing a child. Thanks for sharing your life with us all....stay strong and remember you are never alone!!!

Connie said...

Praying for you.

Trinity said...

This post was so sad for me to read. I do not understand in many ways, however, I know one thing-God understands more than we can possibly fathom. He has felt your pain in many ways and is aiding you in carrying this burden throughout this mortal life. He is also aware that you are a human being and therefore entitled to human emotions. Emotions that at times get the best of us and at times all we can do is cry, laugh, scream, sob or succumb to feelings that we do not truly understand at this time. You are a wonderful mother, please know and understand this.

imagelee said...

I wish I could comfort you.

Lea and her Mustangs said...

Number one -uno, starting - you are not a spoiled brat. After our little Coreen died at 5 days and the next year we adopted Christyn, who was 7 months old I held her, watched her breathe, combed her hair and wondered what her sister would have looked like. Would her eyes have been brown, would she have had lots of hair, would she be sitting up and on and on. I held it all in, should have written it down or something, it got better when we adopted Tommy. But until they were mostly grown up I thought about it. She be 43 years old today, And I still wonder.

Krista said...

I've read your blog for a while, but never commented. I feel for you and just want to give you a hug! I think what you are going through sounds normal. You sound like a great mother to both your children- you have so much love!

thepagefamily said...

Thank you for this brutally honest post. My 2 year old daughter passed suddenly and I am now pregnant with twins and also feel this fear and longing for my girl. Am I grateful for my twins, of course. But nothing takes away the pain of losing her and everything will always be bittersweet. Thank you for making me feel normal.

thepagefamily said...

Thank you for this brutally honest post. My 2 year old daughter passed suddenly and I am now pregnant with twins and also feel this fear and longing for my girl. Am I grateful for my twins, of course. But nothing takes away the pain of losing her and everything will always be bittersweet. Thank you for making me feel normal.

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