Friday, February 1, 2013

Missing Her

I was putting Tracker to bed tonight and watched him extra close. I try to savor every second with him. Every nuzzle he gives me. Every smile. Every touch. I try to watch him close to be in the moment. I try to push every thought out of my mind and just focus on him. Sometimes its not so easy to do this but I try my hardest and make a conscious effort every day. Tonight I was rocking him like I do every night. and every night we pray. I thank God for another day with this little boy, I thank him for Makenzie and Ryan and I ask him to give Makenzie extra kisses for me. Then I snuggle him and just watch him. Tonight the only thing I could think of when watching him was that we only had 3 more days with Makenzie when she was this age. I looked at Tracker imagining only having 3 more days with him. My heart just aches. My mind is all over. I have been thinking about this so much lately. I have feared this time since the day Makenzies life ended. I knew when our new niece and nephew became the age Makenzie never made it to. and now here we are with Tracker. 3 days away. I keep trying to look back and remember. I am trying to remember how it felt to hold her. What it felt like when her little finger was wrapped around mind. What she smelled like. How heavy she felt in my arms. I have been consumed with these thoughts. and it kills me that I don't remember. I know I tried to soak up every minute with her. I tried to just focus on each second and not look ahead. So why the hell cant I remember now? Why cant I feel her? Tracker was holding my pinkie with one hand and my pointer finger with the other. He was asleep and I just felt like I couldn't breathe. I want to freeze time. I want to hold this memory. I want to never forget what those little hands feel like wrapped around my fingers. I know how he feels in my arms. I know his smell. I know his details. I know the noises. I can hear them all the time. Even when he isn't making them. I can close my eyes and hear him, feel him, smell him... Why the hell did those memories go away with her? Does my brain not realize how precious they were? Does it not understand how much I need that? After I put him down I came right to the computer and started playing every video I have of her. From the very last video we took of her to the beginning.
We didn't take enough videos of her. As I'm continuing to watch these videos I just want to scream. It hurts so bad. My sweet little girl is gone. She died. I watched her live. I watched her get sick. I heard the diagnosis. I listened to her fate. I knew the day she was going. I had to wake up every morning and go to bed every night knowing we were that much closer. That much closer to the end. and then I held her perfect tiny little body as it took its last breath. I watched her struggle for air. I held her close. I told her over and over how much I love her. and then I held her weight in my arms. The weight of her lifeless body. I have now lived 3 years 1 month and 17 days without her.
and for the life of me... I cant remember what it felt like when her little hand was wrapped around my finger. I need that. I need to remember.
How the hell did I do it? Did we do it?
How did I know in 3 days my daughter would be gone? How did I look at her and not completely lose my mind? I look at Tracker and the thought of not having him in 3 days literally makes me ill. I have become sick to my stomach this past week. To the point I am laying on the ground shaking with the thought of my life without my son. So how did I do it with her?
Its like it wasn't me. It was someone else. It was a complete out of body experience. My mind was not on me. It was not on the day we walked out of there without her. It was focused on the day she was able to get those damn tubes out of her mouth and nose and be able to be free. It was about the moment God was going to take her and heal her sick little body. It was about her being able to smile, giggle and move with ease. My mind was not on my broken heart. It wasn't until the next morning that it really sunk in. and now here I am. 3 years. 1 month. 17 days later.
3 days away from my son. my second born. turning the same age his sister was when she left my arms.
and in 4 days he will be older than she ever was. I will have had 149 days with my child. I will hold my child who is 4 months 3 weeks and 5 days. I have waited a long time for that.
I am so thankful. So happy. So relieved to get this with Tracker.
but as happy as I want to be and as much as I want to just smile I feel completely broken.
I am hurting.
I miss her.
I cant believe how much I miss her.
Its been so long.
Its been so long since I looked in her face. Since I kissed those lips. Since I held her hand. Since I whispered that I love her. Its been so long. and I have so much longer to go until I can get her back.
It hurts every inch of my body.
My fingers are tingly. My face is hot. My whole body just feels like I'm carrying a thousand pounds.
I just want to feel her. I just want to remember. I just want to close my eyes and go back there.
Why did this happen?
Why did she have to die?
I have tried so hard to not say that. To accept what happened. To thank God for her life and the time he did give me with her. I try to not ask-- why me-- but sometimes I do. Sometimes I just cant be okay with it. I want my baby. I want my little girl. I want a 3 year old running around my house. I want to watch her grow. I want to tuck her in bed every night. I want to have crazy dance parties everyday.
I am so thankful Tracker is here. He is incredible. He has healed my heart in so many ways. He has put so many of the pieces back together. but he cant do it all. There are things that broke and ill never get it back. It will never be all better. Those pieces were her.
I cant believe how much I miss her.
Every time I look at Tracker I see so much of Makenzie in him.
Look at his eyes. His eyes remind me so much of her.
I am just praying to feel her. To remember her. The details.

video

Dad & Mum lovin on Makenzie.

video

This was December 12th. Our Makenzie Christmas. We gave her that locket with a picture of her Mum and Dad so she could always have us close. We buried her with that locket.


6 comments :

Rachel said...

Kendra,

I am thinking about you and praying for you. I think you are one of the best people on Earth. To me you are superwoman. I wish that I could take all of your pain away, or do something that could make it all better. You didn't deserve what happened to you. However, you have handled it with courage, dignity, and grace. There are a lot of people who would never get our of bed again, but you rose from the ashes and persevered. Makenzie and Tracker sure have a wonderful mother.

Auntie EM said...

I am smiling as I watch the videos but there are tears streaming down my face. She is so beautiful. I will love her forever.

Trinity Powell said...

That was beyond heartbreaking and humbling to read. As I sit here typing this a piece of my heart is breaking on your behalf. I am unsure how you made the decisions you have made and I hope to never fully understand. You truly are amazing and I believe that you had much help from the other side to make it through the weeks leading up to the end. I love how peaceful you talk of passing and what a beautiful experience it was. Although it was extremely difficult beyond explanation you talk of it as such a sacred experience. I am so glad that you have Tracker here to help mend your heart. Thank you for sharing your precious videos they moved me to tears.

Rafahi Family said...

Thank you for sharing these precious memories of Makenzie. She is such a beautiful girl.

Tiffany said...

Kendra, your words are all too familiar to me. Each and every one. Our babies are nearing nine months and ten days, which is how old Ellie was when she died and it is also a day I have been dreading since I found out I was pregnant. I am teary, angry, confused and on the verge of a panic attack every second. All of the questions you ask, have been in my head more lately too. I'm so sorry that our girls aren't here with us and that we aren't able to just enjoy every second of our other kids lives without the pain of grieving for their sisters. You will be in my thoughts and in my heart as you guys pass this difficult milestone.
Thank you for sharing those videos of Makenzie. She is just beautiful and so sweet. And the love you all have for each other is so obvious.

Alerie said...

My face is completely covered in tears. Those videos were beautiful, thank you for sharing. You and Ryan are amazing parents. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I can't even begin to imagine your pain. Please know that your sweet family is always in my thoughts and prayers. Sending big hugs your way!!

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