Sunday, April 3, 2011

No matter where you are... Sometimes you just need to write

Sitting here in Lacey Washington. We are on day 2 of this vacation.  So far we have had a blast.
Day 1 was spent in Seattle and today has been spent hiking, fishing and cabelas.
Sitting here next to these girlies... not really a word to describe it.
I am loving every second.
I cant believe how much they have grown and wish they could just slow it down for a minute. They make me want to move here. Just so I can see them every day.  But then I realize I would be missing all those other back in Utah. Geesh. Can we all just live next door to each other...
well.
okay.
not that close.
but
Its nice to be here though.

We got some pretty exciting news while we were here from family.
We are so excited for them but cant deny the sting our hearts feel.
I get so frustrated.
All these happy moments are suppose to be that. Happy. Full of hugs and smiles and jumping for joy.
Why is it I just feel heavy. I feel there is no way in hell I could even pick myself up off the floor let alone jump for joy.  I just want to curl up under my blankets- my polka dot blanket- and cry.
I want to close my eyes and pretend this whole thing isn't happening.
We didn't lose her.
She is still here. Running amuck and causing utter chaos in life.
But we lay here alone. Just the 2 of us.
We are trying to make decisions in life. What will be best for us and our family.
I am a Mommy and Ryan is a Daddy but we don't have a baby.
Its impossible to not be confused.
Confused at the feelings we feel when that GOOD NEWS comes in.
We don't understand why we are suddenly feeling this.  This what have we done wrong. Why are we not there. What is going on. Are we meant to be parents. Why cant we understand. When will we have our turn again.

The feeling about having another child has been huge these last 4 months.

I had a plan. A plan that was for me to go to school. Get my masters and in 5 years after graduation we would then have a child. Whatever way that might be.
But here we are. Not even a year into this plan and the deep aching desire for another is stronger than I have ever experienced in my life.
The feeling of NOW is so far dug in my mind that I cant push it out for even a second.
I'm finding myself walking down all those baby isles. I'm finding myself doodling possible names.
Ryan was there long before me which is not what I expected ever! 
He is the one who says- I just want to be a Dad again- on a constant basis. He is the one who dreams about the playing, the laughing the fun and the possibilities.  As much as those good fuzzy feelings and thoughts are there. I am also having heart stopping flashes of hospital beds, breathing tubes, a lifeless body, headstones and this again.
Its a 1 in 4 chance.  My OB, our geneticist, pediatricians, specialist... everyone... says the chances are in our favor....
sorry but...
screw you!
Its a 1 in 50,000 chance you carry the gene....
SO 100,000 people around Ryan and I are SAFE because Ryan and I both picked that one up for you.
Its then a 1 in 4 chance of that little egg and little sperm having the same mutation of that same stupid rare gene. AND GUESS WHA, our first super sweet, super strong, super tiny, super cute embryo was that #1.
Enter Makenzie Rye.

"our odds are in our favor" lectures don't help. But thanks.

Maybe its that the good news is SO CLOSE. Maybe its because of everything else surrounding that situation. Maybe its just the simple fact we are selfish and jealous and want that. I don't know. But as much as we want to jump for joy. We cried ourselves to sleep.
I'm sure it will just take a couple days.  These girlies surrounding us have been a good distraction. Its when things get quiet. Its when we realize there are 4 little girls but really there should be 5. Its when we head to bed and think about the middle nugget that should be squashed between us.
Its those dumb negative tests that seem to never end.
All of it. Sometimes... Just makes me want to get the grey goose and head into a dark room with enya playing.

Life is good. I have amazing things in life that I cant deny. Please don't get me wrong. This post is not about poor us. It a moment where I just need to write. I just need to get it out. Tomorrow is another day.
And I'm still here with my nieces whom I adore. I think ill let them jump on my back, pull my hair, put makeup on me, paint my nails, dress me in some very questionable attire and watch The Emperor's New Grove for the 4th time in 24 hours.

6 comments :

crystal said...

Kendra,
I know that God can bless you with a healthy baby. Just pray and trust in him and He will help you. I know it hurts to see others with babies, knowing that your baby is gone. Its hard knowing that you were a mom and then you lose your precious little one and then someone around you get pregnant. IT HURTS!!! I know you are enjoying your trip and I pray that you guys have a great time. Just know that Makenzie is there with you guys. She is watching over all of you :)

Alerie said...

Kendra I'm so sorry, my heart aches for you and Ryan. You are in my thoughts and prayers!! Much love!!

brigette said...

Oh Kendra im so sorry you have to know this hurt! You and Ryan are such great people I love you to pieces. I wish it was easier and you didnt have to go through these hard times... It really does sting and suck so bad when those around us get what were dying to have.. Im so, so sorry!! I am praying for you every day. You are such a strong person, you amaze me and make me a better person! Love ya girl I hope you enjoy the rest of your trip!

Presley & Charlotte Gleason said...

I have heard the "odds are in your favor" thing my whole pregnancy. Its torture because I know what the odds are, but my first was smard-my hubby and i are one in 50 thou...the odds have never really worked in my favor? And I am so jealous when people can just wake up one day deciding its time to have a baby and so its just like, "ya lets do it!" Its soooo complicated in the "1 in 4" world. And it does sting. I am so sorry you have to go through this, that anyone has to go through this. :( You are amazing though, I want you to know that you and Ryan are both sweet parents and I think of you often and pray things work out the way you want and deserve-and soon!!!! xoxo

Jennifer said...

Hello, came across your blog while surfing. My son has SMA Type 1. Have you ever considered PGD in vitro fertilization? I know all about the 1 in 4 but have a healthy son as well as a healthy baby girl compliments of modern science. You're probably aware of PGD but just wanted to make sure ;) Hang in there, Jen

Shawna said...

You both feeling that pull cannot be coincidence. Pray Kendra, and pray a lot. I know that it's not easy to trust and I know it's not easy to fight your fears, but God has a plan and if you trust Him and cling to faith in Him, He will guide you to what is the right decision for you whatever that decision may be. I have been praying since I saw your story for peace for you, as I have said many times, but I have also prayed that, if it be God's will, you will be blessed with another child, no matter what manner that child comes into your life (naturally, adoption, etc.). So, I will continue to pray for that guidance for you and for God's timing in whatever is in your future. Love you Kendra!

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