Thursday, January 8, 2015

Printing Pictures

Why didn't I take better pictures?
More pictures?
I am looking through all of her pictures to print some to change up the pictures around the house. I hate that Tracker is the only one that gets new ones so I try to change hers as well.
I don't know much about photography. I don't take very good pictures. but since she died I have learned to at least try to get clear/non blurry pictures without a god awful background.
I wish I would have learned that before she died. I am glad we had a few professional pictures done of her. I wish I would have done more.
Its been 5 years and these are all the same pictures. No new ones. I want new ones. I have seen all of these. I have printed them all before. What is so frustrating now is that nearly every single picture has a story. and not all of them good. I see signs that I should have seen at the time. Things she was doing. Or I remember the day. Maybe it was bad. Or I see how thin she was getting and I cringe at the thought of those pictures going up on the wall because then I will have to see them everyday and be reminded at how I didn't get her help sooner.
I was so young. I was so so young to be a Mom. How was I entrusted with her life? Her fragile little life. How was I entrusted to make the biggest decision ill ever make in my entire life at the age of 22.
I try to wrap my brain around it.
I am 28 now. Still very young. Still with a lot of life in front of me.
So much more learning to be had.
I wonder how different all of this would have been if it was all done later. If I was older. Would I have handled it different? Could she have received help sooner? I know I was intimidated. Scared. Would I still have been that way if this all happened today? Or in 10 years? I guess I needed that lesson at that age. At that point in life.
Seeing how I am with Tracker. His medical care especially. I am not intimidated. When I have a worry I don't wait. When I have questions I ask. Is that all because of what happened with Makenzie or would I be like this no matter what.
Would I have stood up for her more if all of this happened today?

So many daily reminders of what is missing. Will it ever stop being so hard? Will I ever stop aching for a life without a dead child? Will I ever accept what is?
I am trying hard to understand. To understand my purpose. To understand the big picture.

I wish I would have taken better pictures.
I wish there were more.
I miss this girl.

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