Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Makenzie's Christmas

Wish we could be there to decorate it ourselves. Thankful for family who makes sure she is taken care of. Tracker made her some necklaces and painted some little figures this year. 
He picked out the presents under the tree.
He picked the pink and purple theme. 
I am glad he is more interested. 
Wanting to be involved. 
but I hate that this is all he will ever know. 
Some years my vision and thoughts of her in heaven have been really good. They always hurt. but they were strong and I KNEW she was in the best place she could be. It seems to be a battle each year at the place I am at. With her. With God. This year, like I mentioned in her Angel Day post- has been really hard. Tracker is a great distraction. He keeps me busy and my mind preoccupied. I have no idea how I did it before he was here. A crazy- horrible- fog I guess. 
I miss her. 
I miss being her Mama. 
I ache to know how it would be to be her Mom now. 
How she would look and talk and what she would like. 
What would she have wanted for Christmas?
So often I wish I could just have one clear understanding or feeling and it would stay. That I could always feel that. Peace. I long to feel that peace. That knowledge that she is okay. That she is happy and that there is going to be something after. That I will see her again and we will be together. 
I know this is all something I have to figure out and learn. and continue to learn and grow on because the moment I don't have it at the front of my mind it goes away. 
My relationship with God has not been effortless. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't always been there. 
I have yet to figure out why. I'm sure its me. 
but I don't know what I am doing to make it come and go. 
I know the closer I am to him, the closer I am to Kenzie. 
There are walls built. I don't know why. 
I don't necessarily want to let him in. The unknown maybe? 
The frustration from always feeling like its not good enough in someone else's eyes. 
Why do I care what others think? I do though.
The path I am on is my own. I am learning as I go. I don't know what I am doing. I am testing the waters and following any little belief I have and doing what my heart is telling me. 
Ill figure it out.
I pray for her. For what her Christmas must have been. I pray for her happiness. Her freedom.
To know she is better where she is. 
because not knowing she is okay and safe is excruciating. 

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