November 17, 2009

Yesterday was our anniversary. 7 years. Ill write more on our anniversary later. It was a good day. I love my husband. He is so good to me. but every year the same thing happens on our anniversary. everyday for the past 3 years. Our anniversary was the last day Makenzie was in our home. It was the last day she was free from wires and tubes.
4 years ago was the beginning to our end.
Since the Laryngomalacia surgery she had at the beginning of the month I had been taking as much time off as possible with needing to go back to work and having Ryan stay home one day, a good friend watch her another day and finally it was today that my Mom got her. She had never babysat her before.  It was the first time. She came over to my place so Makenzie could be in her house, in her bed for naps and get as much rest as possible. She was not getting better since the surgery. She was getting worse. I had already taken 3 months off for maternity and had only been back a little over a month so I had to go  to work. I left my mom with strict instructions on how she should nap. What to dress her in. What she should and shouldn't do with her... etc... I look back and still think how silly I must have sounded to my mom who has raised 10 kids. but she listened and she assured me she would take good care of my baby and would call if there was any problem.
I was busy at work. Trying to complete a million different tasks. My mom called and said she took her over to my sisters house who lives down the street and they noticed Makenzie was turning a shade of blue. It wasn't really obvious but it was noticeable. I asked a million questions and hung up with her. Immediately I started to panic. This weird color she was turning was not new. I had already addressed this with the doctor that did her surgery to which he continued to tell me was normal and she was fine. I felt like I shouldn't continue to over react. I was doing plenty of that for the past 2 months. I had taken her to the emergency room several times. She had a few over night stays at the hospital. We had thousands of dollars worth of test ran and everything was normal. I knew something was wrong but because I kept being told she was fine I second guessed every feeling I had.
My sister called me not long after I hung up with my mom and said she really was concerned. She said if it was her kid she would take her in. I immediately went to my boss who told me to leave and figure out what was going on. I asked my mom to met me half way so I didn't have to drive the 30 minutes all the way home. I knew I needed to take her to an ER. and no the children's hospital because I know that if I took her to any other hospital they would want to transport her to the children's hospital and if we arrive via ambulance she would be seen much quicker. I decided to take her the ER that was in the same hospital as her pediatrician. I called her pediatrician telling her my concerns and asked if she could see Makenzie. She told me she was booked but she could fit me in the next day. I told her I was already here and in the ER and if she wouldn't see Makenzie I would continue to take her to the ER. After a few minutes she told me to come up. I walked from the ER up to her office. I don't know why this sound is so clear in my mind but I can still hear the sound of my heels as I carried her in my arms. Wrapped in a blanket through the halls. I got a little lost which seemed to take forever to get to where I was going. I kept looking at Kenzie and kissing her face and telling her that I love her. Her color was slightly off but it was not really noticeable but it was clear to me that I couldn't take "she is fine" as an answer. I needed to get her help. I got to the office and was immediately taken back. She hooked Makenzie up to the a pulse ox and right away her stats were in the low 70's when they should be no lower than 90's. Within minutes they changed their "she is fine" attitude and started hooking her up to oxygen and figuring out a way to get us to Primarys. Ryan got there right as the ambulance was loading her up. They put her in her car seat and strapped her car seat to the stretcher. I road in the front seat. The driver tried to make small talk to calm me but it didn't work. I kept my eye on Ryan who was following in the car behind us.
We got to the hospital and were taken behind a curtain. I was so thankful that they didn't treat her like she was "ok". I look back now and understand why they didn't but I was so used to the waiting, not seeing anyone, having the "you are a paranoid parent" look that this quick pace, several people in the room helping my baby was refreshing to see.
We were asked a million of the same questions we have been asked time and time again. We explained when and where and how all of the symptoms started. We explained our concerns and worries.
Tests were ran and we were there for a long time.
We were told Makenzie was not getting better and it was clear something was wrong and she needed to be admitted. We called family. Asked for a change of clothes. People offered food. and we were sent to the 3rd floor.
We got to the room and I tried to make it comfy for us. Not having any clue how long we would be there. Maybe a few days? Thinking it would be fixed. Whatever it is. and we would be fine.
She would be fine.
She was getting help.
That night I was thankful that she was getting help.
That she was bad enough that they took her serious.
I prayed.
I prayed a lot.
That night was rough.
I don't remember everything. I don't remember sleeping. I don't know what I did or who was there.
Those damn details are slipping away.
The things I remember are clear. but so much has gone away.
I wish I remembered it all.
I wish I could really relive it to really know everything was done right?
I will write more. I need to remember.
Lately I have been having such a hard time knowing I don't remember as much. That I don't hurt as much. You would think that after hurting like I did I would be happy to not have that pain. I don't. I even said it then. That pain is the constant reminder of her. Its the constant that I had of keeping her in my life. I am thankful for my son. For the wounds he healed. For filling my days and nights. For keeping me so busy with his mischievous behavior that I honestly don't have time to really miss her like I once did. I am thankful for him. but I do miss it. because at the end of the day. When we are saying prayers. When its quiet. I am reminded that I didn't spend the day with her on my mind. I lived. and that is a constant battle. The guilt. The happiness. The healing. The pain.
Its overwhelmingly painful.
All of it.
I need to write more of her. I need to dig out some of these memories. To remember more. To feel this pain. To live in this pain. and it wont make sense to many of you. but if you have ever lost. If you have lost a child. You get it.