Wednesday, October 2, 2013

My idea of perfection

Today is a good day.
Sitting here is my idea of perfection.
But that perfection is not anyone else's ideal. My ideal is this fall weather. The wind is blowing the sun is shining. It's quiet with distant sound. I'm warm but not hot. I need a sweater. I hear the trees russle in the wind mostly. It drowns out some of my silly thoughts and reminds me to be still. I lay here. On the grass. Which isn't wet. I trace her name in stone. I talk to her. 
I imagine what life would be if this wasn't my ideal place.
Tracker is sound asleep in the car. 
The windows are down and I can hear his snore every now and again.
I listen for him but my focus is on our time. I love laying next to her. I love this warmth. I brought toys today. I try my best not to think of the time or what other items I need to get done. I just lay here. What makes it even better is the coffee I decided to treat myself to that I have been craving for months. This place. This moment. Is my perfection. This is what my life is. This is a moment I wish I could relive over and over. This is a memory I want to save. One that I hope I can pull from my memory jar when I'm hundreds of miles away aching to be here in this place. Another life lesson to never take the simple things for granted. I miss this place more than anything. I miss this peace. I miss this comfort. My daughters body lays under me. Her spirit is close. This place is ours.
Oh how I miss her.
This time 3 years ago she was here. We were together. My perfect place was with her in my arms. I miss that time. That innocence. That naive state of mind.
I'm learning time doesn't heal wounds. It only allows you to learn how to live with the pain better.
I wish I could come back in December. To be here and celebrate her angel day. In our spot. It kills me that its not possible. That we can't make that happen.
So for now I'm not leaving. Not until that little boy has had enough and I have no choice.
Please hold me my love. Mama misses you so much.

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