We are going on day 5 of this nasty thing called RSV. Man it's horrible. Our house is closed off from the world and we are working on sanitizing every square inch. Seriously I have put almost every object that's not attached to something or to big into the dishwasher or washing machine. I may have ruined an item or 2 but whatever!! Being sick myself has not helped anything. Every ounce of energy I can muster is being soaked into caring for this little boy.
It's been pretty much constant prayers, tears, Tylenol, nasal spray, humidifier, nose sucker, steamy showers and cpt exercises. Tracker has slept maybe a couple hours since Sunday. It's been horrible. He just cries. Ryan and I have been taking turns through the night. I don't know how he is doing it. He has been amazing, the best dad and husband this past week. I think I would have passed out of pure exhaustion if he wouldn't have been here giving me a few extra minutes of sleep here and there. He has made my heart swoon on more than one occasion. I am deliriously making my way through the day and the minute he gets home and holds that little boy so I can have a moment to recoup, Track turns all those tears into smiles. And so do I.
He makes me melt.
We are very aware and thankful for how well tracker has been handling all of this. Seriously I think if he had to go to the hospital I would have to be committed. This has not been the best timing to be ill as he is getting so close to the age makenzie was when she passed but if he was to need oxygen and just the anxiety of being in the hospital I don't know if I could handle it. But thankfully he has held his oxygen levels and he is doing relatively good that way. I have to thank some incredible respiratory therapists in the picu because they patiently taught me our life line this week. When Kenzie was in the hospital she had to have them perform cpt/or cough assist treatments on her every 3 hours to help clear secretions built up in her lungs. Kids that are on a ventilator have to have this. There is no way around it. They can't clear all the crap we normally build up in our lungs and if it can't be cleared it blocks our airway and collapse our lungs. Well because we knew how to do these treatments we have been doing them on tracker and I think they make all the difference. Seriously you wouldn't believe the difference in his breathing before and after. I believe this is the reason he has been able to handle this so well. We are keeping him clear and just waiting on him hand and foot. He wants to eat every 30 minutes. He eats every 30 minutes.
As hard as this week has been its been an incredible reminder to how lucky we are to have this boy. To have the opportunity to hold him, rock him, snuggle him, suck out his nose, pat his back, stay up all night, sing every known lullaby, wipe boogies, change blow out after blow out, sit in a steamy bathroom for hours, cry together and monitor his breathing all day long. He has given us such a gift. I wouldn't trade even the hardest of days for anything. I have thought several times how incredibly empty my heart has been after Kenzie died and before tracker was born. I don't think I fully grasped the shattered pieces that were the remains if my heart. Not until this little boy has started putting them back together. It's nights where I am beyond exhausted, he won't stop crying, his body is starting to weigh a hundred pounds, the tears are streaming down my face that I really stop to thank God for this. Thank him for this little boy in my arms. For letting me be the one he needs. That I am the one to help him get better. That he is able to get better. All those exhausted tears turn to tears of complete joy and gratitude. Thanking god for every breath this boy is inhaling and exhaling and thanking god that I'm not holding my child's lifeless body.
I can't begin to describe what an incredible feeling that is. To know he is alive. That he is mine and he is going to give me another moment in my life. It gives me a whole new outlook on life. The hardest most painful time in my life was after we lost makenzie. I never thought I could find the same kind of happiness I had with her again. No matter what happens in life ill forever be missing her so how could I ever be healed and happy again? I guess I'm learning the happiness I now have is definitely not the same. It never will be. I won't ever be able to go back there. But the happiness I have now is so amazing. It's a happiness most never understand. Of course every milestone tracker does fills my heart with joy but for me. My joy is so much simpler. Being able to watch him breath. Not having to visit a cemetery. Being able to smell his spit up on my shirt. Doing endless loads of laundry. Losing sleep. Never having a moment to myself.
This is the signs of life.
This is the happiness of having him here.
Of being a mom.
This week was just another week of pure gratitude for crazy, chaotic, full of healing moments.
..... Side note: Don't let this make you think I'm happy my babe is sick. I desperately want him better and to not feel so crummy. Lets just make that clear. It's just a different experience than one I have ever felt.