Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Its a Tuesday.... What is it about Tuesdays?
Not quite half way through the week, yet still close enough to the last weekend you can smell it.
Maybe its also because its rather blustery outside. Its snow and rain. I miss my flip flops and shorts. Hmm.. It will be here soon enough and ill be complaining of the heat. I guess that's how it always goes :)
So school. Ahhh... Its still in the works. I hate to break it to you all but I'm getting second thoughts about Occupational Therapy! Yes, you heard me right... My dream may not be my dream. I know I want to be in the therapy field. What I'm worried about is the schooling to get there. I know I sound like a big baby but seriously- I'm HORRIBLE at math and science. I am consistently studying but I still don't get it. Argh!
I'm going to meet with my school counselor this week so hopefully she can give me some advice or a little boost back on track. I sure hate going through these--- discouraged--- states.
Work is going well. I am very lucky to work with the people I do. I'm lucky to work for a great company. Its a bit scary to think I wont be here forever. Its been a security blanket to me for a while.  I guess you have to make changes in order to reach your true calling in life. I just hope God can give me a little more of a shout out as to what that calling really is.

The house. Oh don't get me started. Its still there. Still has that for sale sign in the window and I'm still uber paranoid about trying to keep it somewhat clean. Its very hard when you live with a man like I do. He is a MAN. A dirty, want to leave my shoes throughout the house, don't know how to clean toilets kind of man. I sure love him though. And he can cook so ill keep him. I am hoping in the next few months as the weather starts to change and the outside of the house starts to look good again we will have a few more people interested. I have to be patient and know it will happen when and if its suppose to happen.
Ryan has been having some serious anxiety about selling the house. I didn't realize how much until just recently. It scares me to think if we are making the right decision.  I understand where he is coming from. It was our first place. We put alot of work into it and that's the home we shared the best life in.  I guess for me it hasn't been so hard lately because the "feeling" of home left for me when 1- my daughter left. She made that house a real home. and 2- after we packed up most of the place, esp her room. It feels very bare to me. I felt like packing up our personal things, all those pictures, all those "things" was what changed my house. Where ever my Ryan is ill be good. Ill be home. BUT I completely understand why he is feeling what he is feeling. It breaks my heart. Makes me worry if this "dream" this "career" is more for me and he doesn't see the benefit for himself. Is it too selfish? I went into it thinking of the great life we will be able to have in a couple years...
Sure for a little while it will seem like we took a step back in life. Going from home owners to renting. Going from a family to just us. Going from vacations, shopping and hobbies anytime to carefully planning and budgeting every little thing, (okay we are not loaded- that is misleading- I mean going from a two income planning and budgeting life to a one income planning and budgeting life)
But I just think of what we will be able to do in 5 years.

I think all of this is exactly like us.
Ryan is very much living in the present. Planning is not in his vocabulary. He is happy now. He is content with the now. He makes today happy.
Me... Oh I'm so much living for tomorrow. I'm a plan- plan- planner. I have to have spreadsheets on what will happen next and if something changes what will that plan be. Its all mapped out.
He is seeing the right now. The changes today. I am seeing in the future and the possibilities at that time.
We will figure it out. I know we both have the same goal in life and that's to be together and happy.
I will never made a decision without knowing he is totally on board and I know he would do the same.
Its a good thing I have him, we balance each other out for the most part- its just little hang ups like this that we need to work through.

So we are super excited about the upcoming MRW events planned. I am going a bit crazy with this 5k planning. Maybe I need to get a team put together. A team of 5k experts. Are you one of them?
I'm still calling city's, parks and whoever else to find a location. Its not near as simple and low key as I once thought. Geesh! Oh well. Its all worth it.

So there it is. My Tuesday. Think I should worry about another thing? Well don't worry- I have about a million other things on my worry list and they are taking over my life. I need some coffee to settle down :)


Mommyto3andahusky said...

I found your blog from picket fence blogs and became a follower. I love your blog! Your daughter is so cute! :) Erin


crystal said...

I can see your point of view about selling the house and then I can see Ryan's. He is scared he is going to lose that piece of Makenzie, and I would probably feel like that too but jsut know that she will always be with you because you carry her in your heart and she is watching over you everywhere you go. So she will follow you. Just pray and let God lead you. If you truly want to major in some kind of therapy, then do it. Don't let the things you think are impossible stop you. Remember the Bible verse? With God all things are possible. You can do it, I believe in you. Will it be easy? Not always and will you want to pull your hair out at times, yes lol but its worth it in the end. i have been there. I want to wish you luck with college and I pray you make the best decision for you and Ryan. Praying for you!!! Oh and remember Makenzie is proud of you no matter what decision you make.

Emma said...

I know you probably feel overwhelmed with all the decisions you are making, just take them one at a time, just as you take each day as it comes and it will all come together. I know this is your first place, the place you had with Kenzie, but no matter where you are she will always be with you-the house didn't make the home, your love for one another did and nothing can take that away!!

As for school, once again, take it as it comes and make decisions right for YOU. Don't give up on a dream because you don't think you can do it, you have already gone through the toughest thing you will ever face, school can't compete-you will win!! If you decide it really isn't your dream, so be it, it got you looking for what it and focused in a direction you know you love-helping kids. I worked with kids with all kinds of special needs, mostly autistm, and did OT, SLP and PT with them but worked as an aid instead of being the therapist and I loved that-I loved being able to do all the different therapies, adapting the goals to each child etc and I didnt have to do the years of schooling-maybe that would be a way to do what you love and be able to do it sooner?! Just an option. I know you would bless the childrens lives immensly and it really is so rewarding!

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and know you will make great decisions and I know you and Ryan will make them together, ones that will make both of you so happy in the end, whatever they are!!
Love and hugs, Em

shelandmattsnyder said...

i just saw your blog from kelly staats comment!wow your amazing on what you had to go through!! im from utah too and just seeing your daughter hooked up to those machines just broke my heart! i couldnt even imagine going through that! im sure your stronger in the end but man that was tough! it seems like your doing better and its nice to see!


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