just rambling

life being a mother....
nothing like i thought it would be...
its been an amazing ride the last 10 weeks (WOW its only been 10 weeks) my love has changed so much i cant even being to describe.
i miss her when we go to bed (thank the Lord for video monitors)
i miss her when she is taking naps.
i miss her when someone else is holding her.
i look at her and im amazed how perfect she is, how much joy she has brought to me.
her crying can get loud and out of control but i love nothing more than knowing im the one who can calm her down and show her the love she needs.
i have to admit its not all glamor and rainbows- hahaha.... FAR from it at times.
why is it that being a mother also makes you have this crazy mind where you say and do things that are just ridiculous? why do i forget just about everything- including my daughter once or twice (really it was when i was coming in the house after grocery shopping and i remembered before i even got the gate and i ran back to the car in horror realizing i remembered my latest people magazine, dr pepper and diapers yet forgot the baby!)
why do i write crazy random posts like this- why have i still not learned my lesson and makenzie still poops and pees all over my couch and floor when i change her?

(LOL- as i wrote this- we had a major blow out in the webster house. its going to take some time to line the troops and get this mess under control- please hold while we are under construction)
-n.e.who...
its kinda crazy how just 2 months ago my life revolved around new clothes and TRYING to look good to now, im still in my pj's- hair is in disarray, breath is smelly yet makenzie is on her second amazing outfit of the day. i now only make sure makenzie makes the fashion statement because lets face it- im still mr dough boy and no one really cares what im wearing compared to what my lil fashionista is wearing. She is limited with her NB attire but once she enters into the grown world of 0-3 months she has a whole closet awaiting her :)
--
i have watch makenzie and wondered what she is going to be like when she gets older-
will she be like ryan (heaven help us all)
will she be like me (heaven help us all x 10)
or will she be her own little perfect muffin that changes the world?
i just hope if she decided to put holes in every inch of her body and runs away determined to be in an all girl heavy metal band or something she will always love me and know i adore everything about her.
in less than 2 weeks i am going back to work.. aghhh...
not that i dont love my job and im not over the moon to see the amazing people i work with- but it means not being with my princess 24/7 and that puts me into panic/anxiety mode!
i have had numerous nightmares of what might go wrong and it keeps me up at night and keeps me in tears during the day.
i know the amazing heather (my angel who will be watching kenz) will do an amazing job and give my little miss some amazing opportunities during the day - but i also know one day my baby will want ms. heather more than me (as well as she will want anyone else in the world over me within the next 13 years or so) why is it that it scares me so much? thats part of life right- i could be home with her all day and she could want someone else more than me. i guess i need to realize im a mom and being a mom doesnt = cool. she will not always want me and want to be around me. i am the one who punishes her, tells her no and wont give her everything she wants at the candy store. she just better know one day that i am the one who pushed that melon out of a pin hole and i am the one who gave her once 20 yr old body up for 'child bearing hips' and ugly stretch marks and im the one who left lost her brain when she came home from the hospital!
the nice thing about life right now- she loves me the most. she knows my smell, voice, touch and presence and she wants me. i wont think about that other stuff until it happens- sigh-
* yes this post is rambling and may not make sense but deal. im a mom.