Calling All Angels

Cookbooks and Leggings

2012-01-30T12:54:00.003-07:00

... Seriously morning sickness sucks!
Now that is off my chest lets talk about something more important.

I wanted to talk a little bit about my cookbooks and the leggings project. I still have TONS of cookbooks. I don't think I have even sold half of what I ordered which means I have yet to cover the cost of just the books. argh. I based the number of books I bought off the number of pre-orders. I talked to a couple other people who helped me gauge how many to buy so that's how come I came up with a big number. Its mainly because you guys are all such amazing supporters who jumped right on the ball of ordering/pre-ordering your book! Thank you so much to everyone that has purchased one-- or more. It means the world to me and I cant thank you enough. I hope I have caught up with all of you that for whatever reason didn't receive your cookbook. I have sent replacements and I hope and pray you got them. If not PLEASE email me!
livingformrw@hotmail.com. Send me your address and the date you purchased it and ill send you a replacement one ASAP! I am so so so sorry again for anyone that had an issue. I have talked to the post office seriously for hours and they cant tell me what happened to your packages. I have tracking numbers and delivery confirmations on everyone I send out now so there wont be any more issues :)
If you haven't purchases a cookbook I would love you for ever and ever if you did! Ryan and I are moving and would LOVE if we didn't need to move all those boxes that are piled in our kitchen.

The other thing I wanted to mention is Makenzie's Leggings Project. I know some have had questions as to what this even is. I started this 2 years ago in memory of Makenzie. Since she was SO tiny and seriously didn't fit into hardly anything other than newborn clothes which the pants were floods on her I started having her wear a onsies and leggings which was perfect for her tiny self and I made every pair of leggings she had. After she got sick and was in the hospital it was always so cold in the PICU and she couldn't wear clothes because of all those machines so I would put the leggings on her to help keep warm. They ended up becoming more of a fashion statement and her doctors and nurses would drop by daily to see which pair she had on today. I wanted to share this little bit of joy and love with all those other children at Primary Children's Hospital and make sure as many kids as possible could have their own pair of leggings. The first year we donated over 1800 pairs of leggings! They were gone within a few months. Everyone loved them. This last December we donated over 250 which I'm sure are already gone as well. My goal is to collect more than both years combined and donate 2000+ leggings this year. I would love to collect at least 1000 by July to take up there so they can have some now but if not July I will be taking them all on December 13th (Makenzie's Angelversary). To learn more about what leggings are and how you can help donate some please go HERE or HERE or HERE. You can also email me. I have a standard pattern for leggings if you would like to make them yourself or you can send me the knee high socks and ill sew them for you or you can purchase them already made. I have received a few pairs from some amazing people but I'm still well under 100 pairs so far. I know July is still 6 months away but wouldn't it be awesome to have them all collected before that so we can take them up sooner?!

I just wanted to share a very sweet note just I got from a PICU nurse about these leggings...

hi! I'm a nurse at PCMC and i just wanted to say how adorable and thoughtful your legging project is. We have quite a few babies up here with your leggings on. it brightens the room, adds cheer. it's also practical, we can still assess our little babies and it helps to keep them warm. THANK YOU! I'm sorry you've been through so much. thank you for being brave enough to put your story out there.

Isn't that amazing! YOU are all doing this. Its because of YOU and your incredible donations that so so SOOO many kids will have a smile on their face. THANK YOU so much to all of you that have donated, This year and through the past 2 years. I will forever be grateful for your endless support.

I hope you don't mind I am asking for more help. I feel that's all I do sometimes. I promise I'm trying to make a difference. I hope I am giving back half as much as what I have been given. We are so blessed and I thank GOD almost hourly for everything we are blessed with.

Dream?

2012-01-27T21:51:00.001-07:00

I fear. The life that is growing in me will only last so long. Will they really be strong? Will it breath it's first breath? After that how many breaths will they take? The fear is overwhelming. Trying to plan life fearing how long we will have. I find myself gadgeing her 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days with this life. When will that be. Will 4 months 3 weeks and 5 days exist? We did all we could to get them here safe. Healthy. But a million things could happen. Or maybe it will be some fluke thing. They will be sick too. I am ill. Neausous. Wanting answers. Wanting a promise. Knowing I'll never get any of it. I'll get what I get. There is nothing I can do. But pray. And praying I am. I have been so frustrated with my brain. Forgetting. I'll rememer the dumbest thing about the 3rd grade but I forget some of the sounds makenzie would make. I need her. I will always need her. I stare at her pictures. Her perfect face. Imagining that day. Her. The sounds and smells. I want everything to stop. I want to go back. Go back to her. Give me a day. A moment. I would give anything. I would give anything for just a dream. A god damn dream. To go back. Why can't I get that? The last dream I had of her was almost 2 years ago. What the hell. Don't I deserve a dream? Just a minute to hold her? To tell her how much I love her? To tell her that I miss her more than she could ever imagine. To make sure she is healthy. Happy. That she is smiling. That she knows I have always wanted her. That I am living for her. I am tired of just talking to her and hoping she hears. I just want a dream. To know she hears me. I want to curl in a ball. Cry. Scream. And beg for a dream. I ask every night. I need to have a moment. I need her. I want a 2.5 year old running around. I want the life she gave me. I miss her. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't see. I am trying to live. Live with this. But it's so hard. It hurts. It's everyday. It's every hour. It's every minute. Living life without her. The empty room. The silence. The heavy arms. No story times. No kisses. No bath time. I pray this new baby gives me a life. And that their lifetime doesn't end before mine. I pray through them. I'll remember makenzie more.

6 weeks

2012-01-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

How far along? 6 Weeks

Total weight gain: -1.5 lbs. Not trying to lose weight but not totally complaining since I know ill gain a hefty amount by September.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? I have a few lotions are oils that have been recommended so I hope they help keep this answer to NO new ones.
Sleep: I could sleep all day.
Best moment this week: Ultrasound.
Miss Anything? I was wishing I we could go out for sushi the last few days.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Sushi and spicy cheetos.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Morning and evening times.
Gender: Ryan thinks boy. I think boy.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Sleepy, nauseous in the morning and evening. Puked twice now.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Seeing BABY at our ultrasound next week!

We had our ultrasound today and things went okay. Because they knew the day of conception they were certain of my due date. Well apparently sperm can live like 36 hours or something so I might not have actually got pregnant on December 27. They could see a little sac in my uterus but couldn't find a heartbeat. So we will be going back February 1st to get the ultrasound done again so the baby will for sure be over 6 weeks. They were thinking it was measuring around 5 weeks 5 days. Close but those 2 days make a world of difference.
and about twins... They are not sure. There could be 2 babies in the actual sac but the tech only saw one sac so the chances are slim of multiples. Although that would be amazing and so much fun. I am so over the moon thankful for 1 sweet little bean. I am anxious for next week to hear that heart beat and see it beating away. I am hanging on until next week. I have to document that the full bladder before an ultrasound is literally torture. HOLY HELL. Okay let me drink a few cups of water and another couple water bottles on the ride over then be told to sit in the waiting room for over an hour. Then be called back to have some chick shove a doppler through your abdomen into your spine smashing your bladder. I tinkled a little. Ill be honest. and I get to do it all over again next week. BUT seeing that baby is totally worth it.

Currently In Love:

2012-01-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

Ryan: camo, under armor hoddie, naps, swamp loggers, spicy noodles, hot baths, dreams of hunting season starting in 7 months.

Kendra: The movie PS I love you (I have watched 3+ times in 3 days), ice water, nail polish, dreams of a vacation, pinterest, new sheets.

Harley: bacon flavored treats, snuggling with mum, running in the snow, baths, toilet water.

So much we are looking forward to.
* a new niece
* seeing OUR baby on the ultra sound tomorrow. lets take bets. who thinks there is more than 1?
my vote is 1 but ryans vote is 2
* valentines day. only for the fact i have a whole vday themed menu planned (thanks to pinterest)
* snow storms
* getting a baby bump
* starting to plan a nursery
* super bowl party
* date nights
* painting our bedroom
* getting our back yard put back together finally after the wind storm
* little brothers wedding

we are so lucky to have so much in our lives. we are truly blessed.

Q&A --- Answers

2012-01-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

1. What names have you and Ryan been considering for that new cutie pie?

When we were thinking of names for Makenzie I would say on several occasions that picking the name was one of the worst parts about a new baby. I was so paranoid about picking the “wrong” name. I mean if the name Makenzie wouldn’t have come along she probably would have been named Zoey. Not that I don’t love Zoey- but she was definitely NOT a Zoey. Anyway… this time around, its actually been kind of fun. Maybe because we are so early in the process. We will see how it goes in 8 months. The names we LOVE are the same names we have LOVED for a couple years now.

Boy Names: Jax, Ryder and Cash

Girl Names: Ella, Macey, Raylee and Ryann

I wouldn’t be surprised if we use none of these names but we will see J

2. Are you planning on doing any Genetic testing to see if this child is a carrier of SMARD?

So we wont be doing any Genetic testing while I am pregnant this time. After the baby is born we will be testing the baby for SMARD- which is done with a simple blood draw. The only reason I want to do that is because I am extremely paranoid. We were not able to have the sperm donor tested for SMARD so we cant be 100% certain he isn’t a carrier. To be a carrier the odds are 1 in 50,000 and then it’s a 1 in 4 chance the child will even have the disease. Now I know that has already happened… TWICE… but I feel we have done everything possible to protect this baby. To get them here safe and healthy. The reason we are testing the child after they are born is to first confirm they are SMARD free so that if the odds are in our favor and the baby is sick—we can get the proper help as soon as possible. The other reason is to test the baby to see if they are a carrier for SMARD so they know their risks when they grow and become a parent someday.

3. How are you when pregnant? Do you have good health usually or do you get really sick?

I got a little sick with Makenzie. I threw up only a handful of times (usually when I brushed my teeth) but for the most part I felt fine. I have no idea how this round will go but so far I cant complain. Other than today- I have been puking my guts out! Blah.

4. Do you color your hair or highlight/lowlight?

I wish I could have cute hair all the time. This totally made my day because I sure don’t feel like it. I have never been one to get my hair done all the time. I wish I could but I am to broke to do it. The last 3+ years the only time I have cut or colored my hair has been when I get a gift card from someone. This last time the amazing girl that does my hair put some bleach and caramel in as well as some big chunks of violet. My hair doesn’t hold color very well (even when I have the most expensive hair care products) so the violet has turn more red. The next time I do it I think ill do more blonde. Its better for grow out and I don’t have to color it as often. Even though I only get my hair done twice a year.

5. Question...did you get my email? I ordered some Baby Legs and want to send them to you to donate to PCMC but don't know if you want me to send them to you (you are still doing your little project, right?), or if I should take the to the hospital and donate them in MRW's name.

I think I responded to your email. If you didn’t get a response than no I didn’t get it. Sorry! But the answer is YES we are doing the leggings project. This year I want to surpass the last 2 years, which means we need over 2000 pairs of leggings! We NEED help. We NEED donations. If you want to sew the leggings yourself ill send you directions on how to do it or you can send me the leggings and ill do it! You can also buy already made leggings. They are everywhere. Babylegs.com, target, Wal-Mart, any baby boutique. If you have any questions about this project please let me know. I would love to collect 1000 by July and get them to the hospital then because they go through them SO FAST. They really are being used and loved and wanted!

6. I have a question that I have been dying to ask. It's about SMARD. I don't remember for sure, but I thought you said that both you and your husband are carriers of the gene. What are the chances of your baby having SMARD when you use donor sperm?

Ryan and I both tested positive as carriers for the SMARD mutation. In order for the possibility of someone to have SMARD both parents need to be carriers. We didn’t get the sperm donor tested but the odds of him being a carrier is 1 in 50,000. SUPER RARE.

7. Did they have you take clomid or anything like that to increase your changes of getting pregnant and if so, what is the chance of having multiples? Also, I'm nervous to ask you this because I don't want to seem insensitive and I know you don't care if it’s a boy or a girl, but what are your thoughts on the subject. Do you think one or the other will make you miss Makenzie more? Sorry, I know you will always miss her, but I was just curious.

I was not on Clomid or any medication to help me get pregnant. My doctor felt I didn’t need any extra help and thought I would get pregnant within the 3 vials. He was right! We had talked and if I was to order more vials and move onto vial 4, 5 and 6 he would have put me on Clomid.

I have thought about if a boy or if a girl would be harder. At first I said a girl. Then a boy. Now I honestly have no idea. I think because we knew we wanted this child so much and in order to get them here we went on a different route I have pretty much become numb to the thought of one or the other. I think if we have a girl, using some of Kenzie’s things will be really hard but I have already decided this baby or any baby will never wear any of the clothes Kenzie wore. They can wear clothes she never grew into but I don’t think I would be able to handle seeing another little love in something that was just hers. I honestly have no idea though. I hope I continue to see what an incredible blessing this bebe is and that every inch of them will have Makenzie in it and that is a GOOD thing. NOT a hard or bad thing. Hope that makes sense.

8. I have what might seem like an odd question and I hope it isn't rude, but what do you do with all of the stuff that you buy for Makenzie all the time? All the books and decorations and such. I think it is so beautiful that you continue to celebrate your daughter, but wondered about that.

I love getting Makenzie things here and there. It makes me feel like I can still DO something for her. With her books… I write the reason and date she got it. Like “Halloween 2010”. And it goes in her bookcase to be read by anyone. For little toys I will either put them into the toy bin for others to play with or Ill put them in her dresser that is full of things that is JUST HERS.

9. If you end up having a girl, will you incorporate any part of Makenzie's name into this baby's name?

Ryan and I talked about this but I think we both have said no. Only because we are so obsessed with her name and keeping it her name. Down the road we might feel different but as of now I don’t think we will. I don’t even want their initials to be the same. MRW is definitely her.

10. Question: I know MRW is in Heaven because of SMARD, but will you take extra precaution against SIDS, like no bumpers or at least breathable ones, Angel care monitor etc.

This has been a big thing I have been doing some research on as well as quite a bit of other safety precautions. Before Makenzie passed I knew of maybe 1 or 2 families that lost their child. Now—there are way to many. Seeing how easy it can happen. How the littlest thing you don’t even think about can take your child’s life! I have been doing a lot of research on SIDS, Child proofing your house, Vaccinations for both Ryan and myself and for the baby as well as lots of other things. Now I know there really is only so much I can do. There is no way I can protect this child from everything, which totally gives me major anxiety, but it also humbles me to know God really does have his hand in everything. I’m sure many of you know my sweet friend Kellie. She gave tons of great tips on SIDS safety on her blog and has also given me some other tips to make the room as safe as possible. She is amazing. I love her. We have some things we are for sure doing so far but I will keep you up to date what things we are going to do.

11. Where did you grow up and how did you and Ryan meet and get engaged?

Ryan and I both grew up in Utah. We went to West High School together. We first met when I lived with my sister and brother in law. He lived down the street from them and we would see each other at church. Ryan would make fun of my clothes so I hated him. We are 3 years apart so he was a senior and I was a freshman. We both remember each other and remember different occasions of running into one another but there was nothing between us then. After I graduated Ryan found me on MySpace (romantic right) and asked to hang out. For the next year we dated but it was nothing serious. Ryan popped the question out of the blue one day. August 27^th. His family had a little birthday party for me and his parents gave me a fishing pole and he gave me a tackle box. Inside the tackle box was tons of fishing stuff and a little piece of paper. I open the paper and a ring falls out. He wrote a beautiful note asking me to be his wife. Everyone was staring at me. I couldn’t talk. I walked over to Ryan hugged him and he had to then ask if that was a yes J We decided to get married that November 16^th. What was so right about Ryan and I? We both came from such different backgrounds but we both came together knowing how important marriage is. That it’s not something to take lightly. We knew we would do everything to work together and to make “us” work. The first year wasn’t horrible but it was hard. The second year was really really HARD. But we worked hard together. There were times we both wondered if we make the right choice. Then came our little Makenzie. She changed our life more than we could have ever imagined. Her life. and her death. We knew we were a team and only we could get through this together. We were told so many times that the death of a child would make or break you. Let me tell you I can absolutely see how it could break you. It’s the most traumatic, horrible experience of your life and you now have to try and deal with all those emotions with someone else who most likely doesn’t feel the same things you do at the same times. But we survived. We are continuing to live. And we are doing it together.

Now that was a really long explanation as to how we met and got engaged. Sorry J

12. My question for you is you going to find out the gender(s)? You going to still try and move?

Yes we will find out the gender of the baby. I think it would be fun to wait but I know I never could. I am far too anal to wait. I need to have everything done before they get here. And plus I’m just far too excited to wait longer.

We still want to sell our condo. It’s been on the market for over a year now. We were thinking of renting it out and making it somewhat of a property investment but I honestly would rather just sell it. We are just taking it one step at a time and we will see what happens. I hate the in between right now though.

Thank you all SO much for asking these questions. It was fun to do and I hope I answered them good enough.

Love...

2 1/2 years old!

2012-01-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

How in the world is it that you are 2 1/2 Makenzie?

Who told you that you could grow up? Who said that it was okay to let time go by so quickly?

I cant imagine what life would be like with a 2 1/2 year old. Running this household. I can only imagine the things you would have taught me. I can only imagine the Mum I would have been. Its funny because I sit here and tell you over and over how much I love and miss you and then I wonder how much I would actually love you if the last 2 years never happened? What if you were still here. Would I have learned how much I love I actually have for you?! I cant imagine that I ever would have. I cant imagine being able to really see this side of love. Seeing it be so pure. So limitless.

I feel so torn. Wanting you back. Wishing things were different. Aching to hold you.

But then I wonder what kind of Mother I would have been. I'm ashamed to say I wouldn't have been good enough. My patience was not what I should be. My love was not as big. Who you deserve- I was not. I wish I would have been. I wish I could have learned all this without going through all of it.

Don't get me wrong. I loved you with all my heart. I loved you with everything I had and I would have done anything and everything for you..... at least as much as my mind would have allowed...

but now. Seeing how big, how long, how strong, how intense love can really be.

I am a totally different Mom.

I know I'm not perfect. I definitely wont be with this baby either. But the way ill love will be completely different. Seeing my child's entire life. Seeing it begin and end. Knowing how it can all be over.

Just like that. Changes someone.

Oh Makenzie you gave me the greatest gift I could ever imagine. You answered my prayers. As much as I wish you were here. Being a wild sassy 2 1/2 year old. I know that whenever I get to be your Mom again and raise you. I will be a million times better. I wont make as many mistakes. Mistakes like not soaking up what it feels like when your breath is on my neck. Mistakes like not kissing those toes more. Mistakes like thinking I always had tomorrow to read you a story, to have you see the sunrise, or to let you feel the snow fall on your cheeks.

Then again... No amount of kisses, sunrises, books or winters would be long enough.

For you my muffin, I really will need a lifetime. I will need eternity.

Time cant exist. I need you. All of you. and to never let you go.

Maybe God knew that.

I guess that was his plan.

I promise ill remember everything you taught me about love, life and happiness. I promise ill give my everything to your little brother or sister. I promise there will never be a day they forget you. Because if it wasn't for you. They wouldn't be here. and they wouldn't be loved and wanted like they already are.

Happy 2 1/2 year birthday Makenzie Rye.

Thank you for giving me the world.

Someday ill repay you.

another Q&A... plus my horrible- rotten- no good- very bad day.

2012-01-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

I cried today, a couple times. Not full on giant tears with my mouth open cry or anything but the kind that you have to hold your head back so the tears can form bigger puddles in your eyes without dripping while you wave your hands back and forth trying to dry it all up. You know what I mean!
Anywho. Do you want to know why?
Several reasons.
8 reasons for my horrible. rotten. no good. very bad. day
#1. I hate running. and I am determined to stay active this pregnancy. and I MADE myself go running this morning.
#2. I made tuna fish for lunch (BTW I have been meaning to look up if I can eat tuna- anyone know?) anyway- I couldn't find a tupperware container so I put it in a glass bowl and put cling wrap over it. When I got to work- It had spilled out the side so I had to scrap my tuna off the side of a plastic bag in order to eat it.
#3. I found these walnut clusters in the back of the cupboard. Ryan made them for neighbor Christmas treats way back- mid December- they sounded sooo yummy so I grabbed them to eat at work. I waited all day to eat them so I had something to look forward to. I took one bit and almost puked. They were disgusting. Old. Gone bad. Horrible. I took 2 or 6 more bits hoping it would start to taste better but each bit was worse than the last. I finally threw the bag away.
#4. I found out some news today about some things. I want to be totally honest with my peeps on here but there are some people who I know read this blog so I don't want to say anything more than that.
KEEPING YOU ON YOUR TOES with the unknown right?! Okay ill will say... someone I know named their baby Makenzie. Obviously I love the name. but is it bad for me to think the name belongs to my Makenzie and only her?
(this is where you agree with me even though I'm being totally ridiculous because I'm pregnant and you ALWAYS agree with pregnant women)
#5. You know those HUGE decisions we are making in life. Well I am super nervous and I am just hoping we get the answers from God as to what is right for our little family. and as of today... God has not sent that text message letting me know what to do! seriously!
#6. I miss the mini. even though I just had her yesterday. she is not here today and I don't like it. She is my tea party guest.
#7. Ryan is snoozing instead of rubbing my feet or tickling my back. WHO DOES THAT?!
#8. I ordered some phone chargers about 5 months ago online. I never received them but I found a great deal on some others so I ordered more. I thought that order was lost and there was some conspiracy as to me not ever getting a phone charger so I went to the apple store and spent $40 on a new charger. Well I got home today and had 2 packages. that's right. BOTH orders for my super cheap-awesome steal- chargers came. SO now I have 8 BRAND NEW chargers. Guess I wont be needing any more for a long while. ps- if you need an iphone/ipod/ipad charger get it online. like on amazon. i paid $3 per charger and they seem to work great. and 3 of them are colored. purple. blue and yellow. hello awesome! ill keep you updated if they continue to work or if they die soon. but hey $3 isn't too bad.

so there you have it. I cried because of all 8 of those reasons. think the pregnancy hormones are kicking in? i think so. my oh my. but to be honest. in between tears. i really had a great day. i am lucky to have my job. my husband. my boss. my family and this wittle bebe growing in me. who's heart is going to start beating and pumping blood this week by the way! talk about amazing.

i also wanted to take this opportunity to do another Q&A... the last one was fun despite the not so nice comments but i promised i would do it again and i bet some of you have questions especially regarding this new little addition. so here is your chance. ask away! ask anything. i might not answer some things but i most likely will. lets face it. i might share too much sometimes. oh well.
so ill keep it open until FRIDAY JANUARY 20th. Ill answer them all either that night or early Saturday morning!

Week -- 5

2012-01-17T07:22:00.002-07:00

.... Pictures will come maybe starting at 10 weeks ....

How far along? 5 Weeks

Total weight gain: None so far. That will change by tomorrow I'm sure.
Maternity clothes? My sister is currently using all of my maternity clothes but her bebe is due any day so ill get them back soon.
Stretch marks? No more than the ones I got with Makenzie.
Sleep: Great.
Best moment this week: Seeing the little Disneyland gifts my sister bought for the BABY.
Miss Anything? Nothing yet.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: None.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing.
Gender: I have no idea but Ryan is certain its twin BOYS.... seriously...
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: None.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Seeing BABY at our ultrasound next week!

Hooray for being PREGNANT. Hooray for a baby coming in September. Hooray for Makenzies little brother or sister.
Ryan and I are making some HUGE life changing decisions right now. ON TOP OF THIS BABY. But that choice was super super EASY. I am soaking up every second of this pregnancy but I am honestly anxious for this month to be over simple for the rest of our life to somewhat lay into place. No matter what happens. I have a baby coming and I you cant get the smile off my face. I have promised myself and Ryan that I wont buy ANY baby things until I'm at least 10 weeks along. Other than some burp clothes that Ryan's Grandma is going to help us make I haven't made a single purchase. and that my friends, is HUGE for me. especially working in a baby boutique.

I want to THANK YOU all again for the mass amount of love and support. We are so lucky to have so many people who have prayed for us and hoped they would see a positive result along with us! Thank you for following our journey so far and I am thrilled to share the rest with you. The good and bad. Thank you for just being there.

Here's to 5 weeks down... 35 weeks to go!

Kenzie Day 25

2012-01-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

Kenzie Day #25 = Kangaroo Zoo

Oh the amount of smiles.

We had a blast. How could you not?! A room full of things to jump on. You can go nuts!

There were a few owies but nothing that wouldn't be fixed with another jump.

We had tons of pizza and an endless amount of treats.

Such a happy happy night.

I love that all Makenzie's cousins ask when the next Kenzie day is. I love that they cant wait to send another balloon off to her. I love that they ask about her. I love that they never forget her when they talk about their cousins. She is so much around. She will forever watch over each and everyone of them. I am so lucky that because of my daughter we get to have a day to celebrate her life every month.

Oh Makenzie Rye I can only imagine the fun you had watching everyone. and I'm sure you got some extra laughs from watching me run around (and almost get stuck) on all that stuff.

Ill admit got just a little child claustrophobic.

finding out.

2012-01-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

WOW... What an unbelievable amount of love and support you have shown us! We are so touched. Since we found out we are just elated. I am so thankful for this gift and I know how incredibly lucky we are. My heart just aches of all those other women who are wanting just what I have now.

I am praying for you. Praying you get your wish.

I know Ryan and I have so much in life and we have been blessed beyond measure.

I am soaking up the minutes I get with this little life now. I didn't take advantage of the beauty of pregnancy with Makenzie. I was so impatient (shocking right). I just wanted her here. I had a hard time bonding with this life inside me. I kept hearing everyone say how they loved being pregnant. I didn't get it. I felt ugly, fat and uncomfortable. Well I have to admit that this round I don't care if I gain a hundred pounds. To know I am growing this little life inside me. To know I will hold this child. To know I am going to be their Mum. Is more than anything I could ever dream. I know God has his own plan for us. I am lucky our plan came when it did. I am learning everyday how to be more patient. I know this is such an important lesson in life. I know I need to learn this for a million more things to come in life. God knows me. He knows you. We all have a purpose. We all have a reason.

This little life is so incredibly loved. Ryan and I cant stop pinching ourselves. We cant believe its real.

So ill tell you how we found out and how we told our family...

I said I was going to wait until January 10th before we tested. That was the day Ms. Flo was suppose to make her appearance so I wanted to wait get a fairly accurate reading. Well you should know by now patience is my weakness. I had tested twice the week before. Both negative. I didn't feel discouraged this time. I just knew in my heart God had a plan and if it wasn't this round. It would happen someday. Well on Sunday morning I just had a feeling maybe I should test. I didn't tell Ryan I was going to. I sat there and waited for the results. SERIOUSLY THE LONGEST 3 MINUTES OF ANY ONES LIFE!

As I kept glancing at the test I saw a plus sign forming. I thought my eyes were playing tricks so I went downstairs to get breakfast and came back like 30 minutes later. It looked like a positive sign. I decided to take another test. That's when I took the clear YES or NO one. After those 3 LONG minutes. A big fat YES popped up. HOLY MOLY. Then I took another... You know- just in case. and that one had a very clear PLUS sign. I was freaking out just a bit. We were going over to Ryan's parents that night and I thought of wrapping this little gift I had got Ryan and have him open it there to tell him the news. again I lack on patience and couldn't wait. I made it past lunch when I just couldn't hold back. We were in our bedroom and I asked Ryan if he thought I got pregnant this round. He looked at me weird and said.. "umm.. are you?"

I couldn't say anything I just started smiling and pulled out his gift. It was the little Utes hat and socks. He looked at it and looked at me and said... "SERIOUSLY." Then leaped up and grabbed me.

We just kept saying over and over--- oh my god--- oh my god---

I got that little blanket to give Makenzie when we ever got pregnant. We wrapped it up and took it to my Moms house. She opened it up and freaked. We then went to Ryan's parents and they did the same thing.

It was such a fun day.

I took 5 more tests over the next 3 days. ALL clearer than the last.

These 249 more days are going to seem like forever. But I am so excited that for the next 249 days I get to wake up and go to sleep with this little life inside me.

Wishes do come true!

2012-01-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

December 26th 2011

December 27th 2011

January 8th 2012

7 more tests just like this

all positive

251 days to go

Due date... September 18th 2012

We seriously cant be more excited.

The last few days have been spent soaking it all in.

I have said about a million prayers THANKING God for this incredible gift.

We are OVER THE MOON.

.....

Thank you all for your INCREDIBLE love and support. For every prayer. For every good thought. For every sweet comment and email. For all your reassurance that this will happen.

I cant wait to continue this journey with you all.

This little life is a miracle.

Oh how loved they already are.

Round 3

2012-01-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

I am a bit late in blogging about this but I have really tried not to think about it much so forgive me :)

So if you remember our last round of IUI didn't work so my OB wanted to start doing daily ultra sounds to watch my follicles and implant when they were right. I went in for the first ultra sound on Friday December 23rd. At the time I was at a 15 and needed to be at a 20 to get the trigger shot and get implanted. If it wasn't for the Christmas weekend and the office being closed I would have continued to go in everyday until I reach the 20 mark. Well since it was Christmas they wouldn't be open again until the Tuesday after Christmas and my OB thought I would most likely ovulate sometime that weekend which would mean missing this months implant because there would be no one at the office. They told me to continue testing with my digital ovulation through the weekend and if I happen to not test positive I would start the ultra sounds again on Tuesday.

So I tested everyday and on Monday I tested Positive... Woohoo.. That meant I would be able to get implanted the next day when they opened and I wouldn't miss this month.
I was happy that this month my OB was able to do the actual implant. Every other month I have gone in on the weekend so I was with 2 different on call doctors that I didn't know. and the other 2 times Ryan couldn't make it to the actual appointment so I felt much better having him there this round.
Everything fell into place much better so I am very hopeful for a good outcome as well.

Before I was implanted this round I was determined to not worry every second. Not to think about it much. Just to have the mind frame that if it happens it happens and there is nothing I can do to make it happen faster than what God already has in mind.

So we got implanted on December 27th. Since then I have tried to keep my mind on anything but praying that I am pregnant. This is our last vial so if we don't get pregnant off this round we will have to make the decision to either buy more vials or go another route. I still don't know what we are going to do if it doesn't work but we will cross that bridge when it comes... or doesn't come...
I should start ms. flo on Tuesday. I told myself I wouldn't test until Tuesday. Of course that didn't happen. I have tested twice so far and both times were negative. BUT I am still hopeful. I cant rule anything out until I actually do or do not get ms. flo.... I was doing really good the last couple weeks. Being really calm. Being very neutral about the whole thing. but as we are getting closer to Tuesday I am more and more anxious.

I have been having a hard time finding the balance between consistently asking for this to happen to just stepping back and trusting in Gods plan. I have talked to him A LOT about just helping me find the right balance to know I am trying to be patient and trust in his plan but that I hope he knows what my heart wants. I mean you are always told that if you don't ask you don't receive. But I don't want to spend hours and hours asking for something and not having the patience that I need to get it.

I want this.
More and more as time goes on.
I can only imagine some of you women.. and men.. out there that have gone through much more than me in trying to get pregnant. I really admire your strength and determination. I cant tell you how many times I just want to throw the towel in. Just lay down and cry and just say okay--- Ill just not have kids and ill start collecting dogs or something. I know that sounds silly. This is really only round 3 of our IUI but it has been a full year now that we have been trying for a family. We have gone through 3 different "plans" and we still have no baby. For a good part of the year we had a baby coming. We were thinking that at the end of this month we would be parents again. My due date was February 1st. I cant imagine being 9 months pregnant right now.

I have looked back over this last year and although I consider it one of the hardest-- maybe worst years. I cant begin to explain how much Ryan and I have grown. The changes in life. Who we are now vs. who we were a year ago. I know God needed us to learn certain lessons. Lessons that we will use. We needed to learn patience. Although I still have a long way to go with it. I can tell you right now I can see a difference in the amount of patience I have now.
You hear the quote all the time.
Life isn't about the destination... Its about the Journey getting there.
(so my quote might be a little off but you get the idea.)
I have to keep reminding myself that. The end of our road will be great. It will be full of everything we could ever imagine. But in order to get there we have to walk the road. Instead of racing to the end and looking back with nothing to show for it. We need to take our time. Make a difference, learn, enjoy, grow, find, breathe. I think about my Makenzie's life so much. I think about her road. I am amazed that she was able to accomplish everything she needed to in such a short amount of time. It really says something about her. About her giant spirit. About her heart. She was able to give, learn, enjoy, grown, find, make a difference... she breathed. She worked harder than anyone could imagine to breathe. When I think I'm having a hard day I watch this video that I took of her... It was just a couple days before she was taken to Primary Children's for the last time. I took her shirt off and just recorded her breathing. I had been to so many doctors trying to figure out what was wrong. Trying to tell them that this wasn't normal and that she wouldn't just out grow it. I had to record her because I needed to show others in order to help her. My heart is literally ripped apart every time I watch it. I get sick to my stomach. I get cold. I get hot. I get uncomfortable. I get light headed. I get physically sick. Looking at how determined she was. How hard she fought. In the video she kept smiling and talking to me. It was the last video I recorded of her making noise. Just a couple days later she was intubated and in the PICU. I never heard her again.

This life is not suppose to be easy. No one has it easy. We all have so much to learn and so much to experience. We need to understand that as hard as it gets, we are meant to be here. There is a reason. There is no mistake. We... at least I... all to often worry I chose the wrong path. Worry I made a mistake and that this isn't the life I am suppose to lead. But then I look at my daughter. I look at her smile, her eyes, her determination and I know with complete certainly this is so right. I was lucky enough to be apart of her journey. I was lucky enough to help her through it. I was lucky enough to have her effect my life the way she has. and if I was on a different path. I would never have had her.
and when.. if ever.. I am lucky enough to welcome Makenzie's little brother or sister into our life. I know this path has given me a completely different level of understanding, patience and love to give them.
I am suppose to be on this path. I am meant to have this life. and I have to do everything possible to take advantage of what I have been given.

Surprise...

2012-01-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

This last weekend we had some surprise visitors. and I say surprise because we didn't know they were coming until just a couple days before they got here. But oh what a welcome and lovely surprise.

My brother and his family that live in Washington came.

They went down to Vegas and stayed at our place on their way back home.

My sister in laws parents were here visiting from Korea so it was great to see them again.

D&T were still with us so we really had a FULL house.

6 adults and 6 kids.

In our little condo.

+ lots and lots of visitors stopping by to see the crew.

It was non stop from the second they walked in the door.

We did a little bit of playing:

A little bit of scowl making:

A little bit of OLD music playing:

A LOTA bit of picture taking:

A little bit of girl chatting:

A little bit of chalk board drawing:

A little more of that scowl making:

A little bit of cousin visiting:

A little bit of computer playing:

A little bit of long lost BFF hugging:

A little bit of magic happenings:

A little bit of uncle bonding:

A little bit of blanket stealing:

Not much sleep, Lots of noise, Lots of coffee, Lots of food, No room to walk, No room to sit...

Pure Happiness.

I simply adore my big brother and miss him terribly.

and those girls. Steal my heart every time I lay eyes on them.

Cookbook Orders and Shipping

2012-01-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

Oh these Cookbooks. They will be the death of me :)

Okay so not really but man oh man. I had no idea how hard they would be.

Just a heads up for anyone who is considering doing something like this to raise money, remember the fine print. Things like needing to pay the entire cost of every book up front, shipping the books to you is not included in any of the quotes they give you and when you have over 750 lbs of books coming to your house, it can get a bit expensive. When shipping, make sure you always ASK, ASK, ASK and ASK someone else. ALWAYS get a delivery confirmation. 98% of the time the mail always gets where its going but 99% of the time it takes longer than they tell you. Especially when you send media mail. So that brings me to shipping these cookbooks. I have chatted with a couple of you who have not received your cookbook about this but I wanted to make sure everyone knows especially if your going to place an upcoming order. I am sending all the cookbooks media mail. Its the cheapest way to send them. I am trying to keep the cost of it all as minimal as possible. I was told at the post office that media mail usually takes 2-3 weeks to receive. BUT that is during any month other than November - December. So any cookbook I have sent this last month was put on the back shelf and they will slowly ship them as there is room on the truck. I didn't know that at the time I went in to get prices on shipping. I actually just found that out after I got a couple people saying they still haven't received their cookbook. I have been in a few times to try and get more information about where these books are. But to keep the costs down and because of lack of knowledge I didn't think a delivery confirmation would be necessary so they cant track the books. Well the last 2 groups of books I sent (all books ordered after December 14, 2011) I got delivery confirmations on all of them so we shouldn't have the "lost cookbook" problem any longer.

As for those of you who ordered before that and I didn't get a delivery confirmation on your book, I am so sorry. I didn't think there would be such a problem getting them to you. I am asking those who still don't have them to continue to be patient. I am hoping and praying you get your book soon. I have tried holding off on sending more books only for the reason that I have had to pay for each of these books upfront and to send another I would lose money. I will absolutely do that if the book is missing but I have just tried to hold off a little longer hoping the ones I already sent end up being delivered.

I apologize to all of you who are having delays in receiving your book. I am so thankful that you have purchased a book and been a support to Ryan and I.

I'm sure if you have not already ordered a cookbook this might deter you from ordering one but I have made necessary changes to get your book tracked so we know its on its way.

We have TONS of cookbooks left. I would love to get more sold. There are some amazing recipes in there. I am using my book like crazy and everyone that has one loves it as well.

New Years Rocking EVE

2012-01-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

Spent the night with family playing the kinect, eating tons of food, treats... treats and more treats, board games, card games, blowing horns, noise makers, music, food, dancing, whip out, fortunes, movies, light balloons, food, drinks, laughing, someone maybe wet their pants a little :)

oh what a night.

New Years Fortunes.

. You melt a little bit of lead .

. dump it in cold water for it to instantly cool and form .

. find the biggest piece of lead and hold it up with a flashlight .

. Try to figure out what it looks like .

. The group determines your fortune for the next year based on what your shape is .

Pepsi is my BFF. I am begging Ryan for one of her brother or sister this next year.

She likes to hang in my pocket!

. I got tons of these balloons with lights in them thinking it would be so much to send to Makenzie. Well we filled them with helium and they didn't rise off the ground. AH. Then I read the package and it says right there that they do not float. They are just fun to play with in the dark. So that's what we did .

There started to be a few to many melt downs nearing the 11:00pm hour so we pushed it to 11:20ish and gave in heading outside to start the sparklers and poppers. That lasted all of 5 minutes.

We loaded up and headed home, got home a few minutes before midnight so the 4 of us huddled together on the couch to watch the ball drop and scream at the stroke of MIDNIGHT.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

... and what New Year would be complete without lots of kisses.

Top 11 in 2011

2012-01-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

11. Trip to Washington to visit the brother and his family.

10. Girls trip to California. Sad for the reason we went but it was good to be with them.

9. 2nd Makenzie's Live, Laugh, Breathe Fundraiser

8. Celebrated Makenzie's 2nd Birthday and 2nd Angel Day

7. Celebrated 5 years of marriage

6. Ryan got his big buck

5. Sold our beautiful black truck and bought the forever broken white one...

Still not seeing the benefits of the lower truck payment :(

4. Lots of Cabin trips.

3. Lots of Utah football games.

2. Baby Gracie...

(We brought BIG SISTER stuff to Kenzie to tell her the news)

1. Sperm Donor, 3 rounds of IUI and praying for a baby.

A new year is for fresh starts. New beginnings. Dreams and Goals. While making my top 11 in 2011 (thanks Ash for the idea) I had a hard time trying to narrow down our top 11 to just 11. I hate saying 2011 was a horrible year, Although I have left that year with a big old.. screw you... while my fist waved in the air, I have to know there were lots of good times. Lots of laughs. Lots of love and friendships made. This year really did a number on our lives. I look at what our life was January 1, 2011 and December 31, 2011... Its almost hard to find things that are still the same. So much is different. Although some of those things are really hard. Others are refreshing. Change isn't always bad.

We are still here. We have our health. We have hope and faith. We have love and endless amounts of support from so many people. We are blessed.

When you have a fresh start you want to make things better. You want to do things that will improve your life. As I think about this year there are so many things I want to do and accomplish.

My list keeps growing.

... Get my associates, start at a university to get my bachelors, get Ryan through 1 his first year of school, go on a trip, pay off bills, sell our house, go skydiving, learn a new skill, paint our bedroom, make amends with certain people, have a baby, cook more, serve more...

The list could go on for miles.

But the biggest thing that I am looking for with this new year is finding myself. Learning who I really am. Making sure I am on the right path. Doing what I can for others. Giving of myself. Making a difference. Loving bigger and forgiving faster.

Life is short.

There is no time to worry about what other thinks of you, hurt feelings, rude comments or selfishness.

We all have much to give. We all can do better. I pray at the end of this year I can look at myself and smile. Smile at what I have done, smile at what I accomplished and know I am still here and still living.

Living for the right reasons.

Makenzie's Christmas

2011-12-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

I hope Christmas in Heaven was the most perfect Christmas ever.

I can only imagine how Beautiful it was.

I wonder what in the world a celebration for Jesus would be like. Do they serve food? Do you even eat in Heaven? I hope so.. I cant imagine not being able to eat a steak :)

Do they decorate? What games do they play? Do they sing and dance?

I know whatever it is.

Its nothing any of us could imagine. Its bigger.

I wish I could peak in on her. I wish I could check to make sure she was to bed on time. That she was eating enough. That she was enjoying her nightly baths. Wondering how she would look. What would she love? Would she have a favorite toy. I wish I could just make sure she really is doing as amazing as I dream she is doing. I can only imagine. I just pray.

We did the decorating, presents and hugs and kisses.

Merry Merry Christmas my little Love.

I pray you had a wonderful day and gave Jesus extra kisses. Thank him for everything he has done and for giving us this day. For everyone to remember him. To realize he life we live and will continue to live is because of him. Kenzie please tell Jesus I am not mad at him anymore. It has taken me a long time. Too long. Tell him I am sorry for blaming him. I know this life was chosen. He did all he did to save her. To make it so she wouldn't have to suffer any more.

I miss you Makenzie. More than anyone could ever be missed. What I have learned is what I miss most is the love we had together. I miss you physically- so so much. But I miss what my heart would feel when you were here. I miss loving you that much. My love has not gone away. But with every bit of love, there is a little bit of hurt. Because this love I feel, is never ending. But its a love I have to send. Its a love I have to give to my daughter that I will not ever see again in this lifetime. I will never feel. I will never kiss. I am so thankful for what you gave me. As hard as any day ever is, I would never give up that life because that life- was the best life. and that Love. Is a love I will never feel for anyone else.

Merry Christmas Muffin.

I love you to the moon.

--- Christmas Still

2011-12-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

I have so much to catch up on.
my oh my.
I am having some serious delays due to being deathly ill and lacking any form of motivation.
I am trying to keep up on my blog before I forget the details but alas it is the 28th and I have already forgotten anything that has happened before this morning. Okay I don't even remember this morning.
I am getting through the days in a giant fog and finally gave in and went to the doctor this afternoon.
and what does the doc say?
Umm... You have a virus of some kind. You have way to much stress in life. You need to sleep... and your thyroid meds might be off so lets draw some blood so we can get that all worked out.
It might not have helped that literally the moment he came in the room and asked what he could help me with I had a break down and just started balling. He scooted his chair against the wall in a desperate attempt to get away from the crazy, crying mess in front of him. We had never met before so within 5.5 seconds of him even getting a glace at my face it was already buried in tears and snot. I was able to pour my soul to this doc (who by the way had really stinky breath) and he might have caught half the words I blubbered out before he offered me some prescriptions and wanted to draw my blood. Guess his way to get the crazies out of his office quick is to offers drugs :)
Well I went down the hall to get my blood drawn and the precious little girl warned me that she isn't great at drawing blood but she will try. Of course that made me tense up immediately. So I stared across the room while she SWIRLED around that damn needle. I seriously almost puked. After only 2 failed attempts she decided she was done and asked me to come back in a day or 2 for someone else to draw my blood. The poor girl felt horrible and I cant imagine trying to draw someones blood so I smiled, thanked her and left.
... Not sure if ill go back. I think I have some kind of virus but mainly I am stressed and having anxiety beyond measures. So my real fix needs to be a night alone with the hubs and maybe a hot bath. and a stiff drink never hurts.

Well anyway. enough of that. I thought while I upload a million more photos I would answer this cute little Christmas quiz while watching The Holiday. so enjoy and ill catch up on the rest of my blogging soon enough.

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? Either...
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa has not been to our house yet. But I don't think he will be wrapping gifts for this house.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? No. I have no idea where to even get it!
5. When do you put your decorations up? In years past the weekend after Thanksgiving. This year--- The beginning of November. I couldn't wait. I wanted my tree in my house.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Turkey or Roast!
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? Christmas story on Christmas Eve and opening Jammies
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no idea. I honesty don't even remember believing in him but I'm sure I did at some point.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I have kept my tree exactly the same as it was given to me. This amazing group of girls made our tree last year for the festival of trees and some anonymous angel bought it and donated it back to us! Seriously Its a true story and I will forever treasure it. I have added our special ornaments but nothing else has moved. Its all wired on.
11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Love it. I love winter as long as there is snow. But I hate when there is no snow and its just cold.
12. Can you ice skate? Not well.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Anything from Ryan.
14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Being with family and bringing happiness to others
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Gingerbread cookies
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Sub for Santa/ Angel tree...
17. What tops your tree? Angel
18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? GIVING!
19. Candy canes: are yummy.
20. Favorite Christmas show? The Grinch or Polar Express
21. Saddest Christmas song? First Lullaby/ Silent Night. Makes me cry every time thinking about Makenzie.
22. What is your favorite Christmas song? First Lullaby/ Silent Night. Makes me think of where Kenzie is.
23. What is your favorite Christmas ornament? Every single one of my angel ones.

Well that was fun. Guess Christmas is over so I can get over the festivities but for me its still Christmas until January 31st. and to be honest. I am not sure when ill take my tree down. Don't be surprised if its in our Valentine pictures.

Merry Christmas.

2011-12-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

I wish I would have worked harder on making this Christmas more about Jesus Christ and less about the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I can always learn. I can always strive to be better. There is so much going on everyday that its essential to take time out for the reason behind who we are.

I think about Mary all the time. I think about what she must have thought as she held her son. Watched her son live. Grow. and become the man he was. I cant imagine standing aside. Wanting to take away your child's pain. Wanting to do whatever you can to just make things different. Did she know what his purpose was? Did she feel God answered her prayers and heard everyone? Did she ever have fears?

In no way am I comparing my life to that of Mary or Jesus Christ. But no matter the struggle. No matter how big or small. I wonder if we all end up in the same place at one time or another. Wishing for answers, begging for prayers, hoping our Heavenly Father really knows us. Knows what is in our heart and will really answer us in his time. As angry as I have been getting with God and Jesus lately. I have to keep stepping back and remember that all the chaos of life, the frustrations and fears, the anger and hate. Isn't from them. They have not left. They are here. They know me. They are holding my Makenzie and telling me over and over that they know my path and I need to have faith in them.

It wasn't until Christmas was over that I calmed down and made myself remember this.

That I prayed to God. Telling him that he knows my wishes, he knows my heart and he knows what I am longing for. But that I am now going to wait. Wait for his timeline. Wait for his plan. It will come. Whether that means I will have the pleasure of being a Mom here on earth again or maybe I wont be.

The details of money, school, jobs, friends, relationships, cars, living arrangements, vacations... Can all be important to each of us. They can mean a lot. To a great degree we are in charge of our future. What will happen. But there comes a point that we find ourselves on a road we didn't put ourselves on. Someday we will understand why we are meant to walk this road.

But its meant for us. God has a reason and a purpose. No matter how hard things can be, he has made it so we can always get down on our knees and pray. Ask for help. and he will be there. In someway. and no matter how we might waver in life, Jesus Christ has made a way for us be whole. Be perfect and come home with a pure pure heart. To live forever with them.

In our home... We are striving to remember these things everyday. We are remembering the good. We are seeing hope. We are feeling love. We celebrated our Saviors birthday in the best way we know how. With each other, with family and with our Makenzie.

Our 2011 ornaments for Ryan, Kendra, Makenzie, Harley and our angel Gracie.

Makenzie's Purple and Pink Christmas Tree

Christmas Morning

with kids is always much better than just Ryan and I. We get a little bored watching each other open gifts we picked out ourselves :) So we headed over to my sisters for the second year to watch her adorable kids go nuts.

We hurried home to open our gifts to each other and get over to Ryan's parents for breakfast.

*yes, ryans gifts are all in camo paper and he had to open them with a knife... can you say WT*

Going from my family where there is a million of us, its always fun to go to Ryans family where things are much more mellow. but then again. That little A has more energy and a bigger personality than 5 kids put together. and with the newest addition joining us this year, it was still a very eventful day.

We were able to help 5 families this year for Christmas. Several of our family and friends came together to help collect items and wrap everything so they can wake up to something on Christmas. I thought about those families all day on Christmas hoping they had an amazing day. We also collected items to donate to our local homeless shelter. It was so nice to see the faces of those families being able to get things they need, things we all take for granted--- like socks! and be overjoyed with it all. I am so thankful for everything in our lives and for all the blessings we continue to receive. I hope and pray everyone had an amazing Christmas and was able to find peace.

Grandma Diane's Christmas Party

2011-12-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

My Mom always has such fun parties. Her annual Christmas party is one we all look forward to.

The usual food spread, The usual crowd, The usual night of endless laughs...

With the mass amount of people in our family we always draw names for the gift exchange but Grandma always buys for everyone... She puts so much energy into buying the perfect gift for everyone all year and is so excited to give it to everyone. She always does such a good job.

My Mom has this tradition that she had her whole life and passed onto all of us.

You put out a pan of raisins, pour brandy on top, light it on fire then you grab out the raisins.

Sounds a bit crazy? Yes.

Sounds like an activity a couple 8 year olds thought up?! Definitely.

But we all love it and cant wait to do it every year.

Its called the Raisin Grab.

The rest of the night was spent laughing until we fell off chairs,

Dancing until we fell of chairs,

Telling stories,

and just spending time together.

Love my family.

Pocatello Christmas

2011-12-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

We took a weekend vacation to Idaho. We wanted to getaway for a short time and we wanted to see our good friends before the holidays. We had the Mini which made for a very busy house but a very fun weekend. Gingerbread houses, Santa, Presents, Movies, Shopping, Visits, Falling asleep rather early, Yummy food, Lots of treats... Ahh... Definitely a good time.

*Little Ms. asked Santa for a bike... a BIG bike :)*

* The ride home, she read this book the entire 3 hours*

The Eve.

2011-12-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

Our only Christmas with our baby.

It was actually on December 12th.

That December 25th didn't feel like Christmas at all.

I don't even remember the last time it felt like "Christmas"

The year before Kenzie was born I guess.

I don't remember that life.

Its all a bit fuzzy.

Life really began the day she was born.

Our Christmas Eve this year was a day of working.

I came home and we opened our PJ's, watched a movie and ate a yummy dinner.

Now I just want to go to bed and never wake up.

Or wake up and have life be so much different.

No Makenzie.

No baby.

and every other detail in life completely up in the air.

Every. single. second. hurts

I want to be happy. I want to have a good Christmas.

We did a lot to help others this year.

It helped us feel better. In those moments.

But then we came home. To an empty house. To stare at each other. Both wanting the same thing.

More than anything. Praying harder than we have ever prayed.

Every second of the day I am on the verge of a complete break down. A dumb song, a mom pushing a stroller, a baby store, a Christmas outfit, presents, a movie.

Everything is screaming the same thing.

Everything is screaming at me.

Screaming Makenzie. Screaming a family.

How do I stop this?

How to I put these thoughts aside to focus on what Christmas is about. To focus on family. To focus on other people. I want to. I use every ounce of me to do that. But the hurt just wont go away.

The longing to be a Mom.

The wishing I still had my little girl in my arms.

Knowing this lifetime is taking way to long.

My body is restless.

It cant stop moving. Its like my mind is on a race and wont stop. My body is doing everything possible to keep up. To distract itself. To stop the hurting. My brain is just heavy. It can only do so much before it can only think of my baby.

I will now go to sleep early holding that blanket.

Snuggling her Dad.

Dreaming. with. her

and tomorrow ill wake up. Imagine the morning I wish we were living. and make the most of the day.

Celebrate Jesus.

Give thanks for his life.

Merry Christmas.

24 Months

2011-12-21T08:21:00.001-07:00

Makenzie's Angel Day.

How can I celebrate the most incredible life I have ever known to live?

What could I do to adequately express how much love I have for her.

How much I ache every single day for her.

148 balloons released for the best 148 days of my life.

148 sunrises.

148 sunsets.

We wrote angel names on every balloon like we did last year. This year, unfortunately we had to add names. I hate that any other parent has to know this pain. That any other Mum has the number of days of her child's life. I love seeing the mass amount of color floating to heaven. With all the hugs and kisses that everyone had to give.

The party in Heaven I'm sure was a sight to see.

A few of our angels...

Hailey Elizabeth

Kaden Addington

Stephen Eric

Paige Elizabeth

Rylee Ann

Charlotte Grace

Noah Callan

Daxton Matthew

Kris Matthew

Dax Royce

Avery Ann

Jake Alan

Jersey

Jack Alexander

Cosette Rae

Lincoln David

Caleb Elijah

Jackson Burton

Evan Coburn

Gavin Charles

Evan Chandler

Gavin Jeffrey

Kamberlie Ann

Craig Eli

Benjamin

Beatrice Ann

Mason Curtis

Holly Elizabeth

Scott Lincoln

Camille Kathleen

Emma Grace

Daxton Douglas

Kolby Jayden

Sidney Lee

Lucia Isabella

Myles Sherman

Wyatt

Morgen Bennett

Joy Elise

Esther Joann

Trinity Melinda

Bridget Lucille

Hannah Kate

Ava

Tanner D.

Cameron J.

Jacob Ephraim

Ella Paige

James Joseph

Isabelle Paige

Jada Adelle

Brigham Var Selle

Caydin Matthew

Paris Lavone

Evan Walter

Karleigh Ann

Addison

Mia Nicole

Ethan Snow

Dominic Angelo

Davis

Ethan

Ambure

Makenzie Rye

Preslee Jo

Kael David

Landry Gale

Jonas

Landon & Luke

Ashley

Ryker Michael

Ruby

Maddie

Macie

Ruby Jane

Erik

Ellie

Whitney Gertge

Josiah Nygard

Joshua Lonati

Laila Shay

Gabriel Grant

.......

It was only necessary to then celebrate the best part of Makenzie's life.

Being home.

With Jesus.

In heaven.

So we sent 24 lanterns for 24 months of pure light.

Oh how I wish I had those 24 months with her. That she was in my arms. That I was putting her to bed every night and waking up to her every morning. After 24 months I have learned more than some learn in a whole lifetime. I have grown to be a different person. I love bigger. More often. My priorities have changed. What is important is completely different than it once was. My daughter changed me in her short time here on earth. But what changed me the most- is learning to live with my daughter in heaven. What she has taught me through prayer. Through dreams. Through our spirits.

Forever I will be learning from her. From her legacy. From what she has given me and continues to give me. I pray for her happiness. For the life she is living now.

Happy 24 month Angel-versary Makenzie.

I pray you can still feel the incredible love I have for you baby. If its possible, I miss you more today than any other day. I cant believe this is our life. I can believe that was your mission. I am thankful for what you gave me. Feel my love. Know your Mommy will forever want you. and no matter what, would never give up the life I had with you. Daddy talks about you more than ever. We imagine who you would be. What you would like. How life would be with a 2 1/2 year old in the backseat. If it was up to us, you would be here. Forever. We would have never had to say goodbye. But that is our wants. That would make our life better. But we know you are right where you are suppose to be. You are in the best place possible. You are free.

Lovie, make sure you

Catch our kisses.

Catch our wishes.

and keep dreaming with us.

Love you to the moon Makenzie Rye.

A perfect night.

2011-12-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

What made my night???
Holding a 3 year old for hours while watching UP. Feeling her laugh. Feeling her breath. Watching her wrestless body not hold still. Having to say--- ok it's bedtime. Then brushing teeth and combing hair. Then being asked for just one more story... Twice... So we read 3 books. Then there was kisses, hugs, I love you's for all 4 babies in the bed and then extra kisses for the mini. Then I go get into bed but get called back 4 times to tell me something else. Including a great plan to get stickers tomorrow and climb the mountain and see Kenzie. Because the mini misses Kenzie the most :)
After I finally get into bed I hear "I have to poop!"
When I go to whip--- the door is locked! Great. We got it open.
Then the kisses, hugs and I love you's started over.

I laid next to Ryan and we both said--- that was a perfect night. Wishing it was like this all the time. I can't wait for our own chaos.

Leggings Donation

2011-12-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

This is the second year we have donated Leggings to Primary Children's Hospital on December 13th. We do it in honor of Makenzie. We wrap up each pair with a little note of how the leggings project got started and drop them off with the sweet lady who always remembers us from our stay.

Last year we really set the bar high with over 1800 pairs of leggings donated along with tons of blankets, hats and books. This year we didn't get the turn out like we would have liked but we also didn't talk about it as much as we should have. I am still so happy to let you all know that we were able to donate over 250 pairs of leggings and over 35 blankets! The lady came down to meet us and take the leggings right up to the PICU. I have heard a few little stories here and there about how much they love those leggings but I had no idea if they had run out of the 1800 we gave them last year. When I asked if they had anymore from last year she laughed and said--- "Oh heavens no. Those are the most popular thing and were gone long ago." Which made me realize those 250+ leggings we were dropping off wouldn't last the rest of the month I'm sure! So I decided we HAVE to get this as big if not bigger than last year. We have to collect these leggings and donate as many as we possibly can for next year... If not sooner!

I would love to pass our 1800 pair donation with over 2000 but we will just have to see how things go.

I am so thankful for any amount of donation we can give to those sweet children at the hospital. There is no good reason to be there and it breaks my heart to know what so many little ones are going through.

I hope and pray for them everyday. I pray no other parent has to walk out of those doors without their child in the arms. It shouldn't happen. If any place is good enough to save a life I believe with all my heart it is that hospital. The love, support, care and skills in that building are unreal.

This will be the first of MANY posts to come about our leggings donation for next year. Really its not expensive and everyone can help. Go to anyone of my last posts about leggings to learn more.

Back to Blogging and SANTA!

2011-12-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

Blogging has been put on the back burner.

Much has happened.

and honestly... I just haven't been able to pull myself together enough to do anything productive.

But with a weekend away with my favorite babies. I am getting back to normal.

....

...

---Life as of lately---

Ryan and I are working like crazy.

I got another job at a baby boutique a few months ago. So I am working my 2 jobs which I am very thankful to have and to be able to work with great people. I have signed up for classes for next semester but I am honestly not sure if ill be able to go. We will see. So many things are coming up that are causing issues and I am just hoping and praying things will work out. Ryan is working lots of overtime so he is always sleepy and ready for a nap. Ha. What else is new :) He is getting ready to start school in a couple weeks and is for sure going. He is actually looking forward to it.

Harley is fine. Nothing much to say about her. She has some anxiety issues which I am seriously considering putting her in counseling for. The poor girl has had a rough little life.

Of course both of our cars are breaking down and are constantly in the shop. Our place is still up for sale but not sure what we are going to do with it. If we will take it off the market for a bit or just keep it on. No one would want to see it in right now anyway. None of the damage from the wind has been fixed yet so its still a bit frightening to see. I am honestly not complaining about that though because there are people right behind us that still doesn't have her roof fixed! There was just so much damage everywhere around here that there is just so much to be done and our car port, shed and fence is definitely not a priority.

Obviously this last round of IUI didn't work. No prego's here. I was seriously so certain it worked this time.

I am in a better place today than I was a couple days ago.

I talked to my OB for a while last week and we discussed what we will do with our last vial. If it doesn't work this round we will be ordering 3 more since the cost of shipping is so expensive and it would be the same price to ship 1 or 3. But for this last vial my OB will start checking my Follicles starting on day 9 of my cycle... How they will do that is with a daily ultra sound. So everyday starting December 23rd ill be driving down to Salt Lake to watch my follicles grow. Once they reach 2 cm. Ill get a trigger shot and get implanted the very next day. This still is not a guarantee that we will get pregnant but it puts us in a better place with better chances. Of course insurance doesn't cover any of these costs... Don't you love that... But we figure the cost of these ultrasounds and shot is much less than the thousands we will pay for the next order of vials so if we do everything we possibly can this round and if we still don't get pregnant, we will at least know we tried everything.

Something kind of interesting that I found online about The Follicular Phase...

Female Ovulation Cycle: The Follicular Phase

The first half of the female ovulation cycle is regulated by the FSH, which stimulates the maturation of the follicles in the ovaries. More than one follicle may be maturing at one time, but only one reaches maturation and is released at ovulation. The cells that make the follicle are under the stimulation of the FSH to produce estrogen. Estrogen has a very important role in preparing the endometrium (lining of the uterus) to grow and prepare for implantation.

Under the influence of the FSH, about 15-20 eggs start to develop and mature in each ovary. This happens every month. During the first half of the menstrual cycle (follicular phase), the estrogen levels slowly increase until they reach a certain level that signals the pituitary gland that the ovary is ready to release a mature egg. The time that it takes to ovulate each month depends on how long your body takes to reach this estrogen threshold. So generally, you can ovulate anytime between day 8 to day 22 in your cycle. Each female ovulation cycle will differ depending on her hormonal levels.

High levels of estrogen trigger the LH surge. This is what your ovulation kit is measuring. This surge causes the release of the egg from the mature follicle. The egg is collected by the fimbria at the end of the fallopian tubes and gently guided through its journey toward the uterus. The egg will be fertilized in the fallopian tube and the developing embryo will tumble down toward the uterus where implantation will occur.

Always trying to pass on my new knowledge :)

So there will be lots of blog updating going on here within the next couple days. I hope to get caught up before Christmas but we have 5 family Christmas's we will be delivering this week, work, volunteering at the homeless shelter, Christmas parties, finishing wrapping, finishing last minute Christmas things, doctor appointments, cleaning, shipping cookbooks all the while having 3 of the sweetest rugrats running rampid in our house. So spare minutes will be far and few.

I figure you all cant stand to wait another second to see our visit to Santa so ill start there.

Seriously- Santa was a bit lame!

Harley agreed.

But there are only so many Santa's that will allow dogs. discrimination!

(notice Harley's adorable Santa hat and hot pink nails :)

After Santa, Harley got a first class shopping trip.

She picked out all her Christmas presents and went home with a special treat for being sooo good with the Jolly man himself. I worried there might be some tears or even a bite. But Harley knew what was good for her and totally loved on the man instead.

We are still here and well and I am thankful for all our blessings. and believe me- We are blessed!
Hope life is well for everyone.

Argh!!!!

2011-12-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

I need to blog about life lately. But I can't find the energy to do so. Makenzies angel day turned out very nice. We are so blessed to have the family and friends that we do. I have pictures I'll put up sometime. Right now. I just can't even think. I wrote a letter to God yesterday. I wish I knew his address to ensure he gets the message. Do you ever feel like he didn't hear you? I try to keep telling myself that the answers don't come when I want. They come when the time is right. But right now. I don't want to wait. I don't want to wonder any longer. Even if what I'm wanting doesn't come today. I want to know it will come. That God really does hear me and knows of my family. I am always going back and forth. Feeling guilty for being upset. Feeling selfish for wanting. I go back and forth with positive thoughts to really pissed and I don't give a shit thoughts. Tell me why this year was harder than last year? Missing my daughter. Wondering why all of this is in our plan. Last year the days leading up to the 13th were hard but the actual day wasn't as bad as I thought. This year. The days leading up were hell. And that day- well lets just say Ryan almost left me. Okay maybe not but I bet he thought about it. I was mad. Woke up mad. Spent the day mad. Tried not to take it out on everyone. I thought I hid it well. I dunno. But I was furiOus. I hated that there was even a day. I was so angry that the 13th is even a thought I'm my head.

Tell me this. Who is pissed off at the world especially people that have children. Healthy children. Several children. Who wants to literally dig a hole and fall in it and never breathe again?? Oh that's me. And who has to work? Oh and at a baby boutique. And is consistently surrounded by people with babies? Oh me again!
Yeah I'm totally irrational and not a very nice person right now but I promise I hide it. I won't be rude to your face. Especially my customers. I'll ooh and ahh over your adorable little one then when you leave I'll shoot you a dirty look and ask God why your so special and have 15 babies and I don't even have 1. Don't judge me. I see how ridiculous I'm being and how I can't realistically feel this way for long but I'm going to today. Because today marks 2 years and 2 days since my only daughter died. And today is when that discussing red "disease" decided to pop up. And 5 days early. And at a time I was actually certain I was pregnant and expecting a positive test anyday now. But nah. Not this time. So we will use our last vial of sperm and pray those little swimmers swim the next round!

Ok so I see that writing this, life could be so much worse so please don't think I'm acting like I am the saddest life ever. I know I'm not. I am just feeling sorry for myself and wanting to throw a real big, dramatic, 24 year old sized temper tantrum because life isn't going the way I want. That I am being forced to learn patience and that no matter what I have to just trust and have faith all my prayers are being heard. Good Lord. Life isn't fair. I wish I could get Gods cell number so I could just text him. Then he could respond that way. Wouldn't that be nice. Sometimes I hate trying to figure everything out. Trying to guess if "that" was my answer or if it's still coming. Trying to make sure he really heard your wish. I mean I have prayed A LOT. But maybe all my prayers went to his junk mail. I don't know. Im probably being wayyy to literal about this and thinking far to worldly but man alive I need answers! I need help and by golly I need a baby!

So God. Please answer my letter, text, blog post, scream, sweet chat or endless prayer for guidance. I'll follow your path just please help me know that you do infact have one for me and that life will continue. That you know of my little family. That my makenzie is by your side and that someday I'll be able to be a Mom again. That is all I wish for. Nothing more. Nothing else matters to me. My happiness and wishes are simple. I promise I'll do everything in my power to be an amazing mum to whoever you send me. And have you seen Ryan?? He really has grown to be the most amazing dad without a child even here. I have no doubts about him :)
Thanks for food and shelter and jobs and shoes.
Love you!
Amen.

How was that blog post? I'm sure all you annonymous-rs wish you could tell me off about being an ungrateful beast! Don't worry. I know it :)
But we are all entitled to be that way for a few hours right?! I think so.
So for the rest of the day I'll be secretly giving dirty looks and whispering evil comments to God for not giving me what I want. Then I'll start over tomorrow. In a better mood. And if by chance I'm still like this- I'll smack myself and sit in timeout until I change my attitude.

Leading up to the end.

2011-12-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

Last year was the same for me... The days leading up to the 13th were worse than the actual day. I have a feeling this year might be the same. Its remembering these days. These days where I would wake up every morning and look at my beautiful little girl and pray for a miracle. Pray that I didn't have to make this decision. I wish that choice would have been easier. I wish I would have had a perfect knowledge of what was best for my baby. Ryan and I took ourselves out of the picture. If it was up to us we would have kept her forever. Sickness and in health. We would have dedicated our lives to our incredibly sick little girl. It wasn't a question for me. That is what I wanted. But like I have said many other times.

That was not her plan.

When we found out Makenzie was at her best and she would only get worse from here we knew her quality of life needed to out rule the hard hard times she had to endure everyday. We talked to several other incredible families that were in similar situations. That were once in our shoes and that had to make the choices we made. We were not ever able to talk to a family that felt it was time for their child to go and took them off life support. At the time I could only imagine the pain they must feel and that talking to another family facing the same thing must be so hard (which is one reason I try to be very open and have this blog- just in case another family needs some support on this side).

We wanted to make sure whatever choice we made, we made the decision that was right for Makenzie. Not anyone else. Not us. Only her.

We had only known what was going to happen days before the 13th.

Once the decision was made we knew only keeping her here was for us. We knew what she wanted. That God was ready for her. That her little life was complete. We talked about when and I honestly wished I didn't have to plan the day my daughter would die. I wanted it to just happen on its own. I knew it was going to but I didn't want to pick the day. What if I was wrong. It was the most sickening feeling. It was overwhelming to know "when". When I was in the hospital with her that month felt like years. Never leaving does that to you. I see now how fast it all went. Then, it was like I lived in minutes not days. Everyday before the 13th was a "GOOD" day because it wasn't the day I would have to say goodbye. Life was so simple. What was important was minimal.

We picked the 13th for the simple fact that I wanted certain nurses and RT's to help us. I trusted them and I wanted to make sure Makenzie was taken care of. I prayed every second that God would not make me tell them to take her off. I couldn't look my daughter in the eyes and say "okay-she is done."

I just asked that if this really was his plan, he would take her on his own time.

We planned on 7:00 pm.

At 5:00 pm... Just minutes after our parents got to the hospital to say their goodbyes.

Her tube came out.

I was holding her.

The room was suddenly filled with the entire PICU team.

Everything went fuzzy.

I knew this was it.

There was no turning back.

Instead of trying to make sense of anything I took a breath and held her.

All I could think of was making sure she knew I was there.

That I would never let go and she wasn't doing this alone.

What was happening around me is a mystery.

My focus was in my arms.

I will never forget what I saw.

My daughter returning to heaven.

Being here. In my arms. Looking at me with those big eyes.

Then she went.

Just like that.

As much as I knew it was coming. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to say goodbye.

She was mine.

She was my world.

Every breath I took was for her.

The most incredible life was lived and then died in my arms.

I know she wasn't alone.

I know there was a mass of angels that came to get my baby.

God needed her home.

He needed to take away her pain.

I wish I could explain why.

I wish I knew all the reasoning for everything in life.

But I do understand her purpose.

As much as I still wish and pray life was different. That her purpose was different. I have accepted that this is all much grater than me. That God needed it this way. and I am grateful for that.

Because 148 days with her. Is better than a lifetime without her.

To have known her. To have been apart of her legacy.

To have been the beginning to her story.

Is the greatest honor I could have ever asked for.

I will forever be Makenzie's Mom.

She will forever be mine.

Its about waiting until the day my journey ends.

and going home.

To her.

Last Bath

2011-12-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

The morning of December 13th 2009 they let me give Makenzie her last bath.

We had pretty much cleared the room out by this point. It was really empty. I knew I didn't want to carry all of her things to the car that night so our family took everything the night before.

We put the "tub" on her bed,

made sure the water was the perfect very warm temperature

and I gave her an extra long bath.

I never wanted to stop. I didn't want that to be it. I massaged her arms and legs. I rubbed her head and neck. I made sure to keep drizzling water all over her body so she would stay warm. Smelling those smells. Trying to savor every second of this part of my life. Know in hours it would be all over.

The majority of that memory is foggy. I couldn't see through the tears that were impossible to hold back.

She had gotten so long in those few weeks she was in the hospital. She almost didn't fit in that bucket anymore. We padded the back for extra relaxation comfort.

After she turned into a raisin and the water became cool I took her out.

Wrapped her in a towel and gently dried off every inch of her tiny body.

I didn't rush. This was it. Never again. I rubbed lotion into her skin and kissed her about a million times.

I wanted to pick her up and just hold her. Just wrap her in my arms and never let go.

I dressed her.

I sat down and held her.

Then it ended.

In less than 48 hours it will mark 2 years.

Waiting.

2011-12-06T22:41:00.000-07:00

I need to get to bed. I'm so tired. I haven't been sleeping well. But again I sit here, with the dog on my lap. Unable to get my mind to rest long enough to close my eyes and drift off to dreamland.
No dreamland here. Not lately. Last night I literally slept an hour total. I went to bed praying. I continued praying through the night. I would doze off then jerk away and keep praying. It was a night I kept staring at the clock waiting for morning. I didn't get up because I was hoping I would finally fall asleep and get a little rest. No luck. My mind is bouncing. Thinking about Makenzie. Hoping to get pregnant. Remembering how life was as a mom. Praying to be one again. Crying over what was. Crying over what is. Its exhausting. 2 years ago we had just been told our daughter's life was ending. We were trying to understand. Trying to make sense. Trying to know what to do next. 2 years later I sit here and feel those same things but for different reasons. For the child I pray to have soon. Its all so confusing. I don't understand it. What I know.

I miss my Makenzie. I cant begin to truly explain how big the gaping hole in my life is without her. I cant find the words to adequately describe the love I have for my daughter. I crumble. I want to be a Mom. Her mom. But knowing that will not happen for a very long time. I want her little brother or sister. I never understood the incredible hurt so many women feel who are trying to have a child. When you want it this bad--- Its everywhere. Every freaking person and their dog is pregnant. and there you are. Trying to pretend you're happy for them. Holding that new baby with a little resentment wondering why you don't get this. Everyone is fertile myrtle and popping out kids one after another. Then there you sit. Begging for one. Pleading for God to just let you be a parent. That you will do anything if you just get this simple request. You wait. Your life turns into a 28 day cycle. All you see is 1 or 2 lines on a gross pee stick. You think about it. You dream about it. That damn pee stick.
In just 7 days it will mark the day I lost my daughter. It was the day I lost the title Mom- here on earth. In heaven I will forever be her Mum. But here on earth. I have no child. My 2 1/2 year old never learned to sit up, crawl or walk. She never knew how to spell her name or what her colors are. I didn't show her everything I wanted to show her. I didn't read her all the books on her shelf. It was a life that was full. She did what she was suppose to do. and it was complete for her. But it was not complete for me. I was ready for forever. I was ready to raise that girl through the good and bad. I was holding onto every second I got with her unaware it was going to end so soon. How did it end? How is the most beautiful part of my life a memory. Something in my past. Something I will not get back. No matter what I do. How do I move forward? How do I learn to live again? Really live...
Where I am today is waiting. Waiting to be a Mum to a child here on earth and waiting to be a Mum to Makenize in heaven.
I guess I'm just tired of waiting. How do find the patience to wait a lifetime?

Cookbooks are here!

2011-12-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

Cookbooks are here!

I love them.

I sure hope you do to!

If you pre-ordered your book they are in the mail and you should get them soon!

We have tons more to sell so please order away.

If you don't remember all funds go toward helping Ryan and I with the cost associated with getting pregnant.

The recipes in this book are seriously amazing. They come from all over. We have recipes submitted from British Columbia, England, Canada and all over the US.

A very sweet girl designed the cover for me. Don't you love it!

The color was suppose to be a plum color but turned out to be more red/maroon.

I still love it. No complaints here!

Once you get your cookbook I would love to hear what you think of it and maybe your favorite new recipe! Ill be posting recipes on here as hints as to whats inside. Stay tuned!

Festival of Trees

2011-12-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

The Festival of Trees.

All money raised benefits the Children's hospital.

The same hospital that kept my daughter alive.

Definitely a tradition in our family.

Well its only year 2 that we have gone. but tradition for years to come.

I was going to do a tree for Kenzie this year since some amazing girls did one for her last year.

But I dropped the ball.

So ill be doing one next year.

We had a great time seeing all the amazing trees with our friends.

Calling All Angels

2011-12-05T20:01:00.002-07:00

How do you like the blog makeover?
New look... New title!

Have you ever heard the song Calling All Angels.
Its by Jessie Clark Funk.
The first time I heard it I was pregnant with Kenzie. The song is about a baby she had that was stillborn. I never compared it to Makenzie then. It was more a heart wrenching song that I prayed I would never really understand. It wasn't until a few months after Kenzie died that I heard it again. Now I get it. Now it means something. I sing that song to Makenzie on a daily basis.

A quiet voice is calling my name.
I hear you laughing,
but the question remains:
Are you dancing or playing above?Momma's aching to give you her love.

There's a smile I can't wait to see.
A lullaby that you loved to sing.
Just to know I'll hold you again
is the gift I'll hold until then.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

I know the plan was having you here.
Sometimes what's best is so unclear.
But baby girl put your hand in mine
as I walk through, the fire refines.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

Father of us all,
You know the reason that's she's gone.
She's in my heart
and now in your arms.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.
My little Angel.

Its our song... Well one of them.
So the blog is no longer Living Our Love Song... Although the Lyrics have changed.
Lets face it, there is no love song here...

--- Thank You Emily at Designer Blogs for creating my new space ---

The waiting game starts!

2011-12-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

With the crazy weather and destruction here we spend all weekend cleaning up starting Friday when I got home. I totally forgot to test my LH surge at noon that day so as I was getting ready for bed when I finally remembered! GREAT. and of course that was the day I tested POSITIVE!
WooHoo.
So first thing Saturday morning I called my OB and the University to get my stuff ready. They wanted me to come right away so I went with no makeup and hair a little crazy. At the University I had to wait for over an hour for the vial to be prepped and ready to go. As I was signing off we realized 1 of the sperm donor numbers was off. They almost died. I wasn't worried. I honestly don't care who the guy is because that little spirit is already chosen its just about getting them here. But I guess its important to use the right donor sperm :) So they got me the right stuff and I was off to my OB office.
Got the office opened just for me again and got implanted by the on call doctor.
He was extremely nice and assuring.
I laid there for 20+ minutes with my legs up hoping things swam into place.
and I was done.
Now the waiting and praying begins. again.
I want this.
More than anything ever in my life.
I am praying every second.
Ryan already picked out names.
He is certain we are having twins.
I don't care if we are blessed with 1 or 5 (oh my crazy) but I just hope our little baby is ready to come to us. We are so ready for them. We have so much love to give. We are full of hope this round.
Ill keep you posted!

--- Update on the weather, we were told there will be another storm this evening and the area was issued a state of emergency warning. they canceled most of the churches around here and asked everyone to get outside and clean up. All the tree's and debris has been stacked into piles around the neighborhoods waiting for the city to pick it up. With winds getting 80 mph+ again those piles are going to be a disaster waiting to happen. So today we froze along with hundreds of other people outside working our butts off. I was honestly overwhelmed at the sight of support that kept coming. We worked in our neighborhood and my sisters who lives down the road a bit. The lines at the dump were insane. Literally miles long. We got just about everything picked up so we are now just home and praying this weather warning is really just a warning and it doesn't get to bad. Some of those poor houses out there just cant take another hard hit. Please pray for everyone who might be effected.

Just a light breeze....

2011-12-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

yeah yeah... The wind blew. No biggie. They said they might get up to 75 mph.

I mention to Ryan he might want to put away the patio furniture, BBQ and BRAND NEW smoker.

oh how bad could it be?

We decided to expand our backyard. Who needs fences?

That BBQ was seriously already a year old. We needed a new one.

That smoker was a nice early Christmas present but I guess that's what Ryan gets for opening before Christmas. We still have the gate so make sure you knock before you walk in. We liked the car port but it was rather tight so its better to just get rid of the entire thing. Oh and our neighbor so graciously gave us his shed. He decided to lay it in front of our door.

HA. Okay so those 75 mph winds turned into 102 mph winds. HOLY SMOKES. The roads were horrid. Schools and business were closed. Over 10 Semi's were tipped over.

The damage to our place... I'm not complaining. Seriously it could have been so much worse. The poor lady behind us lost her roof! Literally had a roof one second and could see the sky the next. GONE. I missed all the excitement. I was living it up in Idaho. The sun was shining and not a single gust of wind there. I kept getting updates from Ryan and my sisters throughout the day. I was so worried about Harley. The poor girl had a panic attack and decided to hide in a Tupperware container.

By the time I got home apparently things looked "GOOD" compared to the day before. I cant thank God enough for keeping not only my family but everyone else around us safe. I am so sad about the damage but things are just things and replaceable. The things that matter. Our families are fine. Can you believe there were no deaths?!

-- here are just some random pics around the neighborhood and remember these look "good" --

Ryker

2011-12-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have talked about this incredible little boy a while back.

I hate how I met his Mum and Dad.

As much as I love them its so hard to not wish neither of us were at that hospital. That we were not walking this path together. That our babies were not taken from us.

I hate that I cant change what has already happened.

The only thing I can hope and pray for is that our babies are happy.

That those little loves of ours are free from pain.

For as much as Ryan and I love Rykers parents I can only imagine how much love those babies have for each other and that they are never far from one another. That they are incredibly close. That they are making sure they keep their Mum's and Dads safe and holding them close when we need them.

While we were here missing Ryker this last week. He was celebrating 2 years back in heaven. He was dancing with angels and being held by Jesus.

Doesn't he have the most lovable face you have ever seen?

I want to kiss those checks. I want to blow on that belly.

I had the pleasure of being with Mike and Misty on Rykers Angel day. I cant tell you how much it meant to be around all those people who knew him. Who loved him. Who have spent countless hours praying for him. They told me stories. They showed me his pictures.

I am honored they let me be apart of such a special thing.

Misty did an amazing job planning the night.

The house was full of family and friends.

They lite lanterns along the walkway.

They released balloons.

They let wish lanterns go.

It was a great little getaway and I got my fix of those babies for a bit.

The husband wasn't able to come due to work.

Its probably a good thing because he ended up having to save our house (more on that to come).

Happy 2nd Angel Day Ryker.

I hope you could see how incredibly loved you are. How many lives you have changed. The good you brought into this world. You and Kenzie better be living it up. Make endless messes, laugh until your belly hurts and never stop smiling. You are the greatest gift little man. Hold your Mum and Dad close.

Day 9 and Day 1

2011-11-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

So I am on day 9 of my cycle.
Which means its day 1 of testing my ovulation everyday.
I got the expensive, super easy to read digital tests.
I am testing right at noon.
I am taking my temperature each morning.
So hopefully this month I wont miss it.
I am going out of town for a couple days tomorrow but I am prepared I might have to come home a bit early if I test positive while I am gone.

I cant believe how much I want this. How much I am aching to hold my child again. To be called Mom. To have a future with another life. I have thought about the what ifs. The worry if this will ever happen. We have been wanting to add to our family for almost a year now. We have been trying to figure out what is the best way to have our child come to us. We were so close at one point but lost her. I cant help but wonder what will be next. If there will be something else. I feel like I have so much love to give. I pray that God has another little life ready for us. That he knows how much we will love them and do anything for them. I miss my Kenzie. I miss the family I once had. Its overwhelming to think of what life was 2 years ago right now. The choices Ryan and I were forced to make. The life our Makenize was living. I would have kept her forever. I would have given up my whole existence and taken care of her if she would have let me. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want to give her back to God. I wanted to keep her for myself. But I knew her plan was different. I had to put my wants aside and do what she wanted. I just pray God knows Ill do the same for any other child he blesses me with. I know how incredible their life will be and I promise to live my life for them. To give them as much as I can. To love them more than they could ever imagine being loved. I have seen how precious life is. I have seen it taken away. I know every second, every snotty nose, every upset tummy, every smile, every laugh and every breath they take will be a gift. I will not take their life for granted. I will savor it. I will soak it up. I hope it happens. I hope it happens not only for me but for every other Mother out there praying for the same thing. The wanting and waiting is absolutely heart wrenching. I pray God hears all of our prayers.