Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Cookbooks


These cookbooks were started in August 2011. Ryan and I knew we were going to need some help with how our family grew and at the time we just were not sure how we would go about doing it. Adoption was the first thing that came to mind. We started in on the process, started classes and about a month into it we felt like that just wasn't the right thing for us to do right at that time. During that process however we had already started the... Live, Laugh, Cook... cookbooks. We asked everyone that could to please submit a recipe. We got over 600 recipes submitted from all over the world. Most came from all areas in the US but it is just amazing to see all the amazing dishes and different ways to make them. All the amazing people that submitted a recipe are mostly people we have never even met. They are our friends through this blog.
 After we decided adoption wasn't the right path right now we started looking into a sperm donor. I was more apprehensive than Ryan which was a total shock not only for me but for a lot of people. It didn't take to long before we both just knew this was the right path for us and we should continue down it.
After a lot of research and going through hundreds of donors we finally found the perfect one.
We started the IUI process and the first 2 rounds didn't work.
But lucky #3 did.
We were implanted December 27th 2011
Found out we were pregnant January 8th 2012
Baby is due September 20th 2012
Through this whole process we have still been diligently selling these cookbooks. I have to tell you these medical costs are not cheap but they sure are worth it. These cookbooks are just a way to help. The amount of support has been overwhelming and we are forever grateful to all who have purchased one and for all who might in the future. Not only does the sales of these cookbooks help us- they are pretty amazing and you will love them so much.




600+ recipes.
Tons of different cooking tips.
We are always trying new recipes in our house and I'm telling you they are all so yummy!

If you are interested in ordering a cookbook you can place your order to the right side of my blog. There is a link that takes you to Pay pal. They are $20 each which includes shipping but if you buy more you can save. We have tracking numbers on all the orders so if you don't have your order within 3 weeks make sure you email me so I can either track it down for you or send you a new one.
Thank you all so so much again for all the endless support!
Have a wonderful day!

Friday, February 24, 2012

10 Weeks

How far along? 10 Weeks- DOUBLE DIGETS- WHOO HOO!
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I am so sleepy all the time. Which could be because of the pregnancy or it could be because I hate going to bed at night. Every single night I have the absolute worse nightmares so my mind is just to afraid to go to sleep and I end up staying up far to late watching FRIENDS re-runs. 
Best moment this week: Seeing this little baby on the ultrasound.
Miss Anything? Feeling normal.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: The only thing that has calmed my tummy this week is lemonade. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything. Seriously Everything. 
Gender: Ryan = GIRL 
              Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: My boobs feel like they have gained 10 lbs each. They hurt sooo bad. I have bad gas pains and still utterly nauseous.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Starting to ease off the extreme moodiness.
Looking forward to: Finding out the sex of the baby in a couple weeks.


I got a new due date people...
September 20 2012
So its only a 2 day difference but believe me- 2 days is a big deal in my book. Any amount of time closer to meeting this little muffin is just a dream. I simply cant wait.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

intense

When this baby comes in September it will be nearly 3 years since I have been a "MOM". How is that even possible. It seriously seems like ill be a born again Mom virgin. I will tell you right now I am rather fearful. Not only do I feel I have forgot everything I started to learn with Makenzie but I now have to add the aspect that I am a Mom who has lost a child. Which I can see making one even more over protective/ controlling/ crazy. and lets face it. I have pretty much maxed out ones level in all 3 of those areas just by being me.
So this baby. I am really worried about. What kind of life will they even have? Will they have a life? I can definitely see myself finding some kind of bubble to incubate him in and refusing to ever let the zipper undone. He will see hear and speak NO EVIL.
Oh poor little fetus. I really feel for you.
Ryan was coming home from work the other day and nearly hit this poor child who lives in our neighborhood. He is the cutest little thing and seriously he is little. and always outside alone. In the summer we are very cautious and aware of the kids running around but in the winter its not as often when we see the wee ones running around in the freezing cold. Ryan firmly declared our kids wont be allowed to play outside alone. No matter how old they are. So immediately I thought of my 15 year old son who wants to ride his bike with friends and me- his mother- jumping right behind since we would of course have a tandem if that's the case.
I mean seriously my childhood days were spent running wild at the local drug park. I lived in the hood after all. I can recall several "dealings" going down, I was caught in the middle of more than 1 drive by shooting in my front yard and I witnessed 1 home invasion (literally the entire thing. You could see into these peoples house from my bedroom window and I was the one who had to call the cops at like 2am as they were held with knives... But I knew that if you minded your bees wax you were left alone and that life was not scary to me. Ryan was raised in the hood that was a step up from my hood. He would leave in the morn and come home before dark. Running freely and never having a care or someone to check in with. I am telling you it wasn't that long ago that we were kids. I mean it was just recently. The world isn't that much worse since we were young. There was all the same crime and EVIL lurking at every corner. So why are we now the ones who is like...
"Our kids will never go outside alone.." along with hundreds of other NEVER's we have come up with that we ourselves once did.
You want to know a NEVER I remember telling myself when life was just not fair and I was told that horrid word of NO? I remember saying-- I will never be some OLD mom who forgets what its like to be a kid. I mean at the ripe old age of 12 I was certain I had lived life. I knew what was out there. I had seen things no one else had seen! I mean come on. I was practically an adult. Life is not how it was way back when my MOM was that age. She doesn't know anything. I shouldn't have a curfew. I shouldn't be told NO when I want to hang at some random boys house who is quite the rebel, but in a good way you know.

I sit here and seriously feel bad for fetus. Who will in only 209 days be BABY... and who in approximately 4,954 days will become a TEENAGER. Lord help me. That is not near enough time for me to figure all this out and learn to be a perfect balance of COOL mom and total shielder of all things EVIL in this world mom.
I mean what if I have to discipline? GASP. I know my child needing to be disciplined? Probably never going to happen--- but what if?
Ill keep it real and tell you that I am one to believe that a tap on the tush cant hurt. I was spanked. I was what some would call "beat" and I have learned what I think is right and wrong when it comes to disciplining a child in that sense. Now don't go blowing up my comments with telling me I am a horrible person for even saying I would spank a kid. I'm not saying I would or would not. I'm just saying I don't think it will be ruled out and NEVER done. and I will say there is a HUGE difference between a "spank" and being "hit". I think too many people get that very confused and don't do the right thing. I don't believe a child should ever be spanked if you are not in control of yourself. That's what will lead to hitting which then becomes abuse. and believe me I understand that. There will never be abuse in my home. and that is a NEVER that will never change.

... besides I am standing firm that I will never need to worry about the discipline issue because my kid would NEVER do something that would ever warrant a spank because they will be perfect.
They will be one of those kids that come home and immediately finish homework, help around the house, ask mom if she needs a glass of water. ask pa if he needs help chopping wood and then if all that is done we will sit down as a family and play a little chess or get a little crazy and play charades.
I think it will be the cool thing to be best friends with your Mom and Dad. From birth to age 102.
We will do everything together!
When they fill out the MASH form and list who their BFF is... It will always say Mom.
Ill buy us matching friendship bracelets.
We will have a special language that only we know.
We will stay up late and toilet paper our own house! then we will wake up early and clean it up before Pa wakes- oh it will be amazing.
.... okay wait... am I the only one who is a little creeped out by what I just said? I guess that is weird. Maybe I don't really want to be that bestest of friends with my kid. I mean I want them around. all the time. I never want them to even think of the word hate or dislike and ME in the same thought. I really just want to have them LOVE me forever and think of me as the most incredible person in the entire world and worship the ground I walk on. but then again I am not so out of touch with being a parent that I don't remember what my job really entails. and that isn't being a friend. sigh. this parenting stuff is tough. and fetus isn't even past its first trimester! at least we will be best friends until he is like 5 right?! maybe even a little longer depending how fast he make friends! He might be a little nerdy so we can be bestest nerdy friends.
BUT WAIT... I have a solution for that. My mom taught me how to make friends. and she would kill me for ever speaking of this but its one that the whole world must know because it might help you.
It was long ago.
I was in Kindergarten.
It was I believe week 2, and I had NO friends. I was a loner. I was sad. a sad little blond haired goofy looking kid who no one would share a crayon with. tear.
well my mom came to pick me up from school one day and asked if i had made any friends yet. I shook my head and hung it in shame as we walked out of the school yard. I think she was tired of being my BFF so she was determined to find me a find a new one and FAST.
Just then this helpless little blond haired girl goes running past and my mom grabbed her by the backpack and yanked her back so vigorously and yelled... WHATS YOUR NAME? like a creep and all! The girl totally afraid for her life whispered "sara". I was in complete shock that my mom was physically assaulting this girl when I look over and her PARENTS are standing feet away pretty much with their mouths wide open in shock as well. I'm telling you people it was a sight to see.
Well my mom unhooked her death grip on that backpack and the girl scampered off to her parents.
It may seem like the most horrific day of that poor Sara's life but ill tell you she was from that moment on my BFF.  (well until I had to switch schools a few years later and we lost contact)
but the moral of the story is I know how to make friends for my nerdy kid!

So who knows what ill be like. I'm going to sit back and just enjoy him being in my tummy right now. After all I am his bestest friend now and I can do no wrong in his little fused eyes.

PS. How do you spell blond? Does that sound like something a blond would say? ha. I have always spelled it blonde- but spell check just informed me that was wrong. BLOND. Just doesnt look right.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

9 WEEKS

How far along? 9 Weeks
This question started asking about weight gain... Sorry but I am so self conscious about this as it is.. I don't really want to tell the world that I'm turning into a whale :) Although that number is still none. I know its going to go up soon and fast and I just don't want that to be a focus for this pregnancy at all so I'm taking it out :) Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I am pretty sleepy most of the time. I could nap which I haven't done since I was pregnant with Kenzie and I dread going to sleep at night because every night this last week I have been having horrible nightmares.
Best moment this week: Just remembering the incredible little life growing inside me.
Miss Anything? Not being sick
Movement: None.
Food cravings: No actual cravings. I pretty much just eat anything that doesn't make me want to puke. Sometimes its been cream of wheat sometimes its been a mango other times its been a twinkie. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Pretty much whatever I just got finished eating. 
Gender: Ryan = GIRL Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Nauseous.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty dang moody.
Looking forward to: Doctors apt this week and hearing that heartbeat.




--- Breathing update. Its actually gotten better. Its definitely still there and gets really bad when I do housework or eat or talk to much. but its definitely much MUCH better! Thank Heavens. ----

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Post Valentines

So let me tell you about our special LOVE day... We both worked. I got home around 6:30ish and Ryan was busy making dinner. STEAK. That's right people pretty much my most favorite thing in the world. We gobbled up the deliciousness and then cuddled on the couch while watching tv. We got some special visitors who dropped of some treats which turned into our dessert. Oh how sweet they are. After they left I didn't feel so well. I kept telling Ryan was going to cry if I threw up that dinner because it was so good. I decided to get in the bath to see if that helped. Apparently that just boiled the food in my tummy helping the projectile vomit be all that more powerful. Do you know whats worse than throwing up a super yummy valentines dinner? Having to then clean it up after because you didn't get to the toilet in time. Oh joy! So I cried. Ryan laughed. He gave me a lime Popsicle which I have learned calms my tummy. and we fell asleep.
It was somewhat romantic. Ended in misery.
But really nothing is better than any amount of time with the husband.

Happy Valentines to Everyone!


PS. Its been a day and of course my mind is a little clearer. I re-read my 8 week post and wanted to make sure what I said didn't come out wrong. I tend to do that. My words get jumbled and they come out being everything I didn't want to say. Anyway. Ryan and I have absolutely no doubts if we made the right choice using a sperm donor. This was the way we felt was best and the right way for us to get a SMARD free child here. I am thankful for our donor. I am thankful that for whatever reason he choose to become one. It is because of him that I am puking my guts out and honestly loving almost every second of it. I am thankful to have even had this option. I am nervous about telling this baby down the road but like so many of you reminded me--- a sperm donor is just that. ANYONE can be a sperm donor. But its someone special that actually makes a Father. Ryan has already proven this. The amount of love he has for this baby is more than I could ever dream. I shouldn't ever worry because that is all that matters. I will tell you right now I believe that with my whole heart. He is ours. I do hope this baby looks like Ryan. Some of my favorite features with Makenzie were the ones she got from Ryan. She was the perfect blend. and this baby may not be Ryan's biologically but in the big picture, the biological stuff just doesn't matter. This child was created for us. For Ryan and I. They were going to be ours no matter what. I have so many fears for this little life...
but I don't fear if this child will be loved.
I don't fear if they will be wanted.
I don't fear if they will be given a life they deserve.
Thanks again friends for helping me see what is real and what is just my mind being silly.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

...Love...

*kendra to the left. ryan to the right. kenzie right in the middle*

So much to LOVE.
Couldn't finish the day without listing a few.
.....
ice water in my tumbler
the smell of lemons
bubble baths
a clean dog
a clean husband
ryans haircut
ryans cooking
nieces
nephews
sisters
brothers
parents
grandparents
angels
a full tank of gas
harley snuggles
bobby pins
popcycles
fetal foto
gender prediction kits
cookbooks
cardboard boxes
vacuums
kenzies blanket
the ability to work
the ability to get an education
freedom
new earrings
bubble tea
mcdonalds (i know but esp now its so very appealing)
blogging
toilets
toilet paper
car washes
avocados
steaks
making plans
dreaming of vacations
friends.best friends
strangers that smile at you
simple acts of kindness
food in our house
medicine
an amazing ob
heaven
what life will be in 220 days
technology
cute baby clothes
supportive people
life
the ability to breathe
laughing
any amount of time spent with husband
having a partner
having a future with him
knowing he will always mine
side by side

8 Weeks

How far along? 8 Weeks
Total weight gain: None.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: I wish I could sleep all day and night. I am exhausted.
Best moment this week: Making it a total of 4 days without puking. That is all a distant memory now.
Miss Anything? Not puking. Being able to keep food down.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Pretty much changes from second to second. No cravings just what doesn't make me instantly run to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything. Even things that are not food. The thought of glass cups the other day almost made me lose it. I can only drink out of hard plastic cups.
Gender: For some reason Ryan is all the sudden thinking GIRL. Where did that come from?! I think its because he really really wants a boy so he is preparing himself for a GIRL. I am 100% certain its a boy. I just have a strong feeling. I will probably throw up in excitement if it turns out to be a GIRL.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: My belly has started to protrude. Its scaring me considering I'm only 8ish weeks. Literally there is a belly. and my boobs hurt worse than they ever did when I had a child latched on day and night. Seriously I am in pain people. Oh and did I mention I'm sick and puke a lot.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: The uncontrollable MOOD SWINGS have kicked on to an all time high. Happy- Sad- Angry- Uncomfortable- Lonely- Overwhelmed- Annoyed... poor poor Ryan. He is looking for somewhere to crash for the next 7 months. Its not looking good.
 Looking forward to: Getting past the first trimester in hopes the sickness will ease.

Like I said... I am an emotional mess. So over the moon happy this baby is coming and is ours forever to absolute hysterics because all I really want is Makenzie. I am then hysterical apologizing to this baby for not showing them the love the deserve and that I really do want them and that I just miss their sister. This past week the emotions of this child being from a sperm donor has been extremely emotional. I think I have mentioned this before but Ryan has always been so confident and positive about this. Knowing this child is HIS. No ifs ands or buts. He has been so good about it and honestly going through all the IUI's and getting pregnant so was I. I have felt so good about it all. Knowing this was the right choice. Over the past week its not that I regret our choices because I absolutely don't. This child was so meant to come to us this way and this was the only way we could get them to us healthy. but the feelings of how will we tell them and when will we tell them? The thoughts of how will we do this again? The fear that maybe at some point Ryan will have some concerns or worries. Its been weird talking about what this baby might look like. I keep catching myself from saying things like-- Oh I pray he has your nose or butt or hair color... Whatever it might be. I fully believe this child will be a mini replica of Ryan (if its a boy). I can only imagine Ryan's little partner. There is no doubt about that. But the fear in the back of my mind is oozing out with my added pregnancy hormones. It gets exhausting and overwhelming. I would love to hear from anyone of you that might have used a sperm or even an egg donor. Did you ever have similar fears or concerns. How have you decided and when to tell your child? I don't want it to be a big deal because its not. Its very simple. Its very matter of fact. There is no other Daddy somewhere- Ryan will be the name on that birth certificate. I just don't want it to be something that later down the road when it does come out that they feel I was hiding something from them. I have been very open about it with friends and family and its now all over the internet. Never have I thought it would be a secret. I know I have a lot of time to think about this but its on my mind now. So if y'all have advice. I would so much appreciate it!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Kenzie Day #26

Really I hated writing the title of this post.
26.
How has it been so long since my muffin went to heaven?
and that number is only going to get bigger.
I want to just freeze time. Go back. Back to her. That feeling will never go away. I hate that.
I miss her.

Kenzie Day #26 was Valentine themed dinner and a heart attack.
The kids all made hearts and valentines to give someone they know a "heart attack". If you don't know what that is--- Its where you put lots of hearts all over someones door step and leave. Its suppose to be a little anonymous act of kindness to brighten someones day. The kids ended up writing their names on everything so their heart attacks will not be so anonymous. But that's okay. 
Hopefully it will make someones day.




















Happy Kenzie Day my little Muffin. I hope you are having an amazing day in heaven. You know its 2 of your aunts birthdays today. 1 of them is in heaven with you. I bet you guys are having a wild party as she turned the big 35! I can only imagine who she would be. I hate thinking how long its been since I have seen her. How much I miss her. How much I pray she is happy. I can only imagine you 2 girlies. I'm sure she is showing you the best ways to live. She could bring a smile to any ones face. I am thankful and comforted when I know she is taking care of you. I know she will keep you happy. She will give you all those kisses and hugs I long to give you. She will tell you about me. She will tell you about your Daddy. She is full of good. She is full of beauty. Give her Happy Birthday kisses. Tell her how much I love her and how I have missed her so much these last 15 years. Tell her I am honored that she has you. Kenzie please hold me close. I need you. I am having a hard time. Missing you so very much. Wishing you were in my arms. Makenzie Rye I love you. I love every inch of you. What I wouldn't give to have one more day with you. I would hold you close to my body. Feel you breath. Smell you. Kiss you. I would give everything for just 1 more day.
Happy Heaven Day my Love.
Happy Birthday Donette.
and to my other incredible sister who I couldn't imagine not having in my life here on earth--
Happy Happy Birthday. I am thankful for you and for all those hundreds of times you have saved me.

Wedding Bliss

Baby brother got married - again -
Jonathan and his beautiful wife were married in Vegas last year and this year they were married in the LDS Temple. This was a day that took a full year to plan. They went all out and it turned out perfect.















Now those kids are living it up in Europe. Seriously! 
How is it that I spent my honeymoon in Tropic UT and they are spending Valentines Day in Paris?! 
Maybe our 10 year anniversary we will do something like that :)
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