Tuesday, January 31, 2012

7 weeks!

How far along? 7 Weeks
Total weight gain: +1 lb.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: No complaints.
Best moment this week: Talking about baby names.
Miss Anything? Nope.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: The generic- super cheap chicken noodle soup- cold.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Super sick this last week. Starting early and going away around 1:00 pm. Then it comes back around 5:00pm lasting until bedtime.
Gender: Ryan thinks boy. I think boy.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Sick.. Sick.. Sick...
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody :(
Looking forward to: Seeing BABY at our ultrasound tomorrow!

This week has been super emotional. I don't know what triggered it but I have been having some serious issues. I want to lay around and cry all the live long day. The reality that this baby is coming and that they are not Makenzie and that they will help in many ways... But they wont fix it. Makenzie is gone. She isn't coming back. and there is nothing I can do about that. I will never be the person I was 3 years ago. Being pregnant around the same time line as with Makenzie has been a little hard. Remembering what I was thinking and feeling then. Not knowing the things that would happen. Not even imagining them to be possible. The innocence. I was 21 years old when Makenzie was born. I cant believe that person was able to do all that she did. I look at myself now and how much I have grown. What is important in life. What has changed and I cant imagine that 21 year old me going through the sickness and death of a child. I didn't know anything. I didn't know how to prepare. I wasn't strong enough.
Here I am today and I still don't feel strong enough. Thinking there is no way I could ever do that again.  My Makenzie was the most beautiful gift I could have ever received in my life- she taught me how to love. Through her life and through her death. She made me a different person today.

I am scared. I am beyond nervous. I feel like I am doing this for the first time. Being a Mom. Being the type of Mom I need to be for this child. Before. I was a New Mom.
People would say-- Oh you will worry to much, be over protective, buy silly things that you will never use... You will learn alot by the time your second child comes along.... Now here they come. and I feel like a new Mom again. Not in all the same ways but in a lot of new different ways that I never even thought of before. Thinking about the ways to prevent this child from dieing. Thinking of ways to help them remember their sister. Worrying if ill remember how to do things. I forgot what foods you could and couldn't eat. I forgot different things that happen when your pregnant. I forgot the age you start feeding your child solid foods. I'm getting my baby books out and honestly feel I have never read them before. I am not only feeling like a first time mom, but at the same time I'm feeling like a old mom who is starting over after years of no babies. I have seen it begin and end. I have been there every step in between. I am scared of what will happen. I am scared of who I will be. As I have been thinking of that 21 year old becoming a first time mom I have been quickly reminded of that 22 year old that made the choice to end her daughters life. Fearing if that person was good enough. She didn't know anything. But there she was. and she lived through it. I lived through it. I have been praying that Makenzie forgives me for all the times I didn't do enough. For all the times I should have been a louder voice for her. Those moments that are forever engraved in my head. The hardest of hard. The darkest of dark. The moments where I prayed harder than I have or ever could pray. Pleading with God to help my child. Some of those moments I believe I did everything I could. Others, I wish I would have done more.
The only thing I know for certain about this next baby and that is the same as it was with Makenzie- I will never ever leave. I will never turn my back. I pray I have learned from what Makenzie has taught me. I pray I do better this time. I pray this child understands who they are and the kind of love I already have for them.
I would have given my life for Makenzie. and I will give my life to this bean.
In 231 days ill be a new mom- again- to an incredible life. and ill consider myself the luckiest Mom alive if they teach me just half of what Makenzie taught me.
Makenzie isn't coming back. This baby is coming into my life to help my heart grow. Not seal up that hole. Its going to be hard. Really hard. but through this baby ill be even closer to my Makenzie.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Cookbooks and Leggings

... Seriously morning sickness sucks!
Now that is off my chest lets talk about something more important.

I wanted to talk a little bit about my cookbooks and the leggings project.  I still have TONS of cookbooks. I don't think I have even sold half of what I ordered which means I have yet to cover the cost of just the books. argh. I based the number of books I bought off the number of pre-orders. I talked to a couple other people who helped me gauge how many to buy so that's how come I came up with a big number. Its mainly because you guys are all such amazing supporters who jumped right on the ball of ordering/pre-ordering your book! Thank you so much to everyone that has purchased one-- or more.  It means the world to me and I cant thank you enough. I hope I have caught up with all of you that for whatever reason didn't receive your cookbook. I have sent replacements and I hope and pray you got them. If not PLEASE email me!
livingformrw@hotmail.com. Send me your address and the date you purchased it and ill send you a replacement one ASAP! I am so so so sorry again for anyone that had an issue. I have talked to the post office seriously for hours and they cant tell me what happened to your packages. I have tracking numbers and delivery confirmations on everyone I send out now so there wont be any more issues :)
If you haven't purchases a cookbook I would love you for ever and ever if you did! Ryan and I are moving and would LOVE if we didn't need to move all those boxes that are piled in our kitchen.

The other thing I wanted to mention is Makenzie's Leggings Project.  I know some have had questions as to what this even is.  I started this 2 years ago in memory of Makenzie.  Since she was SO tiny and seriously didn't fit into hardly anything other than newborn clothes which the pants were floods on her I started having her wear a onsies and leggings which was perfect for her tiny self and I made every pair of leggings she had. After she got sick and was in the hospital it was always so cold in the PICU and she couldn't wear clothes because of all those machines so I would put the leggings on her to help keep warm. They ended up becoming more of a fashion statement and her doctors and nurses would drop by daily to see which pair she had on today.  I wanted to share this little bit of joy and love with all those other children at Primary Children's Hospital and make sure as many kids as possible could have their own pair of leggings. The first year we donated over 1800 pairs of leggings! They were gone within a few months. Everyone loved them. This last December we donated over 250 which I'm sure are already gone as well. My goal is to collect more than both years combined and donate 2000+ leggings this year.  I would love to collect at least 1000 by July to take up there so they can have some now but if not July I will be taking them all on December 13th (Makenzie's Angelversary).  To learn more about what leggings are and how you can help donate some please go HERE or HERE or HERE. You can also email me.  I have a standard pattern for leggings if you would like to make them yourself or you can send me the knee high socks and ill sew them for you or you can purchase them already made.  I have received a few pairs from some amazing people but I'm still well under 100 pairs so far. I know July is still 6 months away but wouldn't it be awesome to have them all collected before that so we can take them up sooner?!

I just wanted to share a very sweet note just I got from a PICU nurse about these leggings...

hi! I'm a nurse at PCMC and i just wanted to say how adorable and thoughtful your legging project is. We have quite a few babies up here with your leggings on. it brightens the room, adds cheer. it's also practical, we can still assess our little babies and it helps to keep them warm. THANK YOU! I'm sorry you've been through so much. thank you for being brave enough to put your story out there.

Isn't that amazing! YOU are all doing this. Its because of YOU and your incredible donations that so so SOOO many kids will have a smile on their face. THANK YOU so much to all of you that have donated, This year and through the past 2 years. I will forever be grateful for your endless support.

I hope you don't mind I am asking for more help. I feel that's all I do sometimes. I promise I'm trying to make a difference. I hope I am giving back half as much as what I have been given. We are so blessed and I thank GOD almost hourly for everything we are blessed with.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Dream?

I fear. The life that is growing in me will only last so long. Will they really be strong? Will it breath it's first breath? After that how many breaths will they take? The fear is overwhelming. Trying to plan life fearing how long we will have. I find myself gadgeing her 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days with this life. When will that be. Will 4 months 3 weeks and 5 days exist? We did all we could to get them here safe. Healthy. But a million things could happen. Or maybe it will be some fluke thing. They will be sick too. I am ill. Neausous. Wanting answers. Wanting a promise. Knowing I'll never get any of it. I'll get what I get. There is nothing I can do. But pray. And praying I am. I have been so frustrated with my brain. Forgetting. I'll rememer the dumbest thing about the 3rd grade but I forget some of the sounds makenzie would make. I need her. I will always need her. I stare at her pictures. Her perfect face. Imagining that day. Her. The sounds and smells. I want everything to stop. I want to go back. Go back to her. Give me a day. A moment. I would give anything. I would give anything for just a dream. A god damn dream. To go back. Why can't I get that? The last dream I had of her was almost 2 years ago. What the hell. Don't I deserve a dream? Just a minute to hold her? To tell her how much I love her? To tell her that I miss her more than she could ever imagine. To make sure she is healthy. Happy. That she is smiling. That she knows I have always wanted her. That I am living for her. I am tired of just talking to her and hoping she hears. I just want a dream. To know she hears me. I want to curl in a ball. Cry. Scream. And beg for a dream. I ask every night. I need to have a moment. I need her. I want a 2.5 year old running around. I want the life she gave me. I miss her. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't see. I am trying to live. Live with this. But it's so hard. It hurts. It's everyday. It's every hour. It's every minute. Living life without her. The empty room. The silence. The heavy arms. No story times. No kisses. No bath time. I pray this new baby gives me a life. And that their lifetime doesn't end before mine. I pray through them. I'll remember makenzie more.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

6 weeks

How far along? 6 Weeks
Total weight gain: -1.5 lbs. Not trying to lose weight but not totally complaining since I know ill gain a hefty amount by September.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? I have a few lotions are oils that have been recommended so I hope they help keep this answer to NO new ones.
Sleep: I could sleep all day.
Best moment this week: Ultrasound.
Miss Anything? I was wishing I we could go out for sushi the last few days.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Sushi and spicy cheetos. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Morning and evening times.
Gender: Ryan thinks boy. I think boy.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Sleepy, nauseous in the morning and evening. Puked twice now.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! 
Looking forward to: Seeing BABY at our ultrasound next week!




We had our ultrasound today and things went okay. Because they knew the day of conception they were certain of my due date. Well apparently sperm can live like 36 hours or something so I might not have actually got pregnant on December 27. They could see a little sac in my uterus but couldn't find a heartbeat. So we will be going back February 1st to get the ultrasound done again so the baby will for sure be over 6 weeks. They were thinking it was measuring around 5 weeks 5 days. Close but those 2 days make a world of difference. 
and about twins... They are not sure. There could be 2 babies in the actual sac but the tech only saw one sac so the chances are slim of multiples. Although that would be amazing and so much fun. I am so over the moon thankful for 1 sweet little bean. I am anxious for next week to hear that heart beat and see it beating away. I am hanging on until next week. I have to document that the full bladder before an ultrasound is literally torture. HOLY HELL. Okay let me drink a few cups of water and another couple water bottles on the ride over then be told to sit in the waiting room for over an hour. Then be called back to have some chick shove a doppler through your abdomen into your spine smashing your bladder. I tinkled a little. Ill be honest. and I get to do it all over again next week. BUT seeing that baby is totally worth it. 

Monday, January 23, 2012

Currently In Love:

Ryan: camo, under armor hoddie, naps, swamp loggers, spicy noodles, hot baths, dreams of hunting season starting in 7 months.

Kendra: The movie PS I love you (I have watched 3+ times in 3 days), ice water, nail polish, dreams of a vacation, pinterest, new sheets.

Harley: bacon flavored treats, snuggling with mum, running in the snow, baths, toilet water.


So much we are looking forward to.
* a new niece
* seeing OUR baby on the ultra sound tomorrow. lets take bets. who thinks there is more than 1?
my vote is 1 but ryans vote is 2
* valentines day. only for the fact i have a whole vday themed menu planned (thanks to pinterest)
* snow storms
* getting a baby bump
* starting to plan a nursery
* super bowl party
* date nights
* painting our bedroom
* getting our back yard put back together finally after the wind storm
* little brothers wedding

we are so lucky to have so much in our lives. we are truly blessed.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Q&A --- Answers


    1.   What names have you and Ryan been considering for that new cutie pie?
When we were thinking of names for Makenzie I would say on several occasions that picking the name was one of the worst parts about a new baby. I was so paranoid about picking the “wrong” name. I mean if the name Makenzie wouldn’t have come along she probably would have been named Zoey. Not that I don’t love Zoey- but she was definitely NOT a Zoey. Anyway… this time around, its actually been kind of fun. Maybe because we are so early in the process. We will see how it goes in 8 months. The names we LOVE are the same names we have LOVED for a couple years now.
Boy Names:  Jax, Ryder and Cash
Girl Names:  Ella, Macey, Raylee and Ryann
I wouldn’t be surprised if we use none of these names but we will see J

     2.   Are you planning on doing any Genetic testing to see if this child is a carrier of SMARD?
So we wont be doing any Genetic testing while I am pregnant this time.  After the baby is born we will be testing the baby for SMARD- which is done with a simple blood draw. The only reason I want to do that is because I am extremely paranoid. We were not able to have the sperm donor tested for SMARD so we cant be 100% certain he isn’t a carrier.  To be a carrier the odds are 1 in 50,000 and then it’s a 1 in 4 chance the child will even have the disease. Now I know that has already happened… TWICE… but I feel we have done everything possible to protect this baby. To get them here safe and healthy. The reason we are testing the child after they are born is to first confirm they are SMARD free so that if the odds are in our favor and the baby is sick—we can get the proper help as soon as possible. The other reason is to test the baby to see if they are a carrier for SMARD so they know their risks when they grow and become a parent someday.

    3.  How are you when pregnant? Do you have good health usually or do you get really sick?
I got a little sick with Makenzie. I threw up only a handful of times (usually when I brushed my teeth) but for the most part I felt fine. I have no idea how this round will go but so far I cant complain. Other than today- I have been puking my guts out! Blah.

4. Do you color your hair or highlight/lowlight?
I wish I could have cute hair all the time. This totally made my day because I sure don’t feel like it. I have never been one to get my hair done all the time. I wish I could but I am to broke to do it. The last 3+ years the only time I have cut or colored my hair has been when I get a gift card from someone. This last time the amazing girl that does my hair put some bleach and caramel in as well as some big chunks of violet.  My hair doesn’t hold color very well (even when I have the most expensive hair care products) so the violet has turn more red.  The next time I do it I think ill do more blonde. Its better for grow out and I don’t have to color it as often. Even though I only get my hair done twice a year.

    5.  Question...did you get my email? I ordered some Baby Legs and want to send them to you to donate to PCMC but don't know if you want me to send them to you (you are still doing your little project, right?), or if I should take the to the hospital and donate them in MRW's name.
I think I responded to your email. If you didn’t get a response than no I didn’t get it. Sorry! But the answer is YES we are doing the leggings project. This year I want to surpass the last 2 years, which means we need over 2000 pairs of leggings! We NEED help. We NEED donations. If you want to sew the leggings yourself ill send you directions on how to do it or you can send me the leggings and ill do it! You can also buy already made leggings. They are everywhere. Babylegs.com, target, Wal-Mart, any baby boutique. If you have any questions about this project please let me know. I would love to collect 1000 by July and get them to the hospital then because they go through them SO FAST. They really are being used and loved and wanted!

     6.  I have a question that I have been dying to ask. It's about SMARD. I don't remember for sure, but I thought you said that both you and your husband are carriers of the gene. What are the chances of your baby having SMARD when you use donor sperm?
Ryan and I both tested positive as carriers for the SMARD mutation.  In order for the possibility of someone to have SMARD both parents need to be carriers.  We didn’t get the sperm donor tested but the odds of him being a carrier is 1 in 50,000. SUPER RARE.

       7.   Did they have you take clomid or anything like that to increase your changes of getting pregnant and if so, what is the chance of having multiples? Also, I'm nervous to ask you this because I don't want to seem insensitive and I know you don't care if it’s a boy or a girl, but what are your thoughts on the subject. Do you think one or the other will make you miss Makenzie more? Sorry, I know you will always miss her, but I was just curious.
I was not on Clomid or any medication to help me get pregnant. My doctor felt I didn’t need any extra help and thought I would get pregnant within the 3 vials. He was right! We had talked and if I was to order more vials and move onto vial 4, 5 and 6 he would have put me on Clomid.

I have thought about if a boy or if a girl would be harder. At first I said a girl. Then a boy. Now I honestly have no idea. I think because we knew we wanted this child so much and in order to get them here we went on a different route I have pretty much become numb to the thought of one or the other. I think if we have a girl, using some of Kenzie’s things will be really hard but I have already decided this baby or any baby will never wear any of the clothes Kenzie wore. They can wear clothes she never grew into but I don’t think I would be able to handle seeing another little love in something that was just hers. I honestly have no idea though. I hope I continue to see what an incredible blessing this bebe is and that every inch of them will have Makenzie in it and that is a GOOD thing. NOT a hard or bad thing. Hope that makes sense.

      8.  I have what might seem like an odd question and I hope it isn't rude, but what do you do with all of the stuff that you buy for Makenzie all the time? All the books and decorations and such. I think it is so beautiful that you continue to celebrate your daughter, but wondered about that.
I love getting Makenzie things here and there. It makes me feel like I can still DO something for her. With her books… I write the reason and date she got it. Like “Halloween 2010”. And it goes in her bookcase to be read by anyone.  For little toys I will either put them into the toy bin for others to play with or Ill put them in her dresser that is full of things that is JUST HERS.

      9.  If you end up having a girl, will you incorporate any part of Makenzie's name into this baby's name?
Ryan and I talked about this but I think we both have said no. Only because we are so obsessed with her name and keeping it her name. Down the road we might feel different but as of now I don’t think we will. I don’t even want their initials to be the same. MRW is definitely her.

      10.  Question: I know MRW is in Heaven because of SMARD, but will you take extra precaution against SIDS, like no bumpers or at least breathable ones, Angel care monitor etc.
This has been a big thing I have been doing some research on as well as quite a bit of other safety precautions.  Before Makenzie passed I knew of maybe 1 or 2 families that lost their child. Now—there are way to many. Seeing how easy it can happen. How the littlest thing you don’t even think about can take your child’s life! I have been doing a lot of research on SIDS, Child proofing your house, Vaccinations for both Ryan and myself and for the baby as well as lots of other things.  Now I know there really is only so much I can do. There is no way I can protect this child from everything, which totally gives me major anxiety, but it also humbles me to know God really does have his hand in everything.  I’m sure many of you know my sweet friend Kellie. She gave tons of great tips on SIDS safety on her blog and has also given me some other tips to make the room as safe as possible. She is amazing. I love her. We have some things we are for sure doing so far but I will keep you up to date what things we are going to do.

       11. Where did you grow up and how did you and Ryan meet and get engaged?
Ryan and I both grew up in Utah. We went to West High School together. We first met when I lived with my sister and brother in law. He lived down the street from them and we would see each other at church.  Ryan would make fun of my clothes so I hated him. We are 3 years apart so he was a senior and I was a freshman. We both remember each other and remember different occasions of running into one another but there was nothing between us then. After I graduated Ryan found me on MySpace (romantic right) and asked to hang out. For the next year we dated but it was nothing serious. Ryan popped the question out of the blue one day. August 27th. His family had a little birthday party for me and his parents gave me a fishing pole and he gave me a tackle box.  Inside the tackle box was tons of fishing stuff and a little piece of paper. I open the paper and a ring falls out. He wrote a beautiful note asking me to be his wife. Everyone was staring at me. I couldn’t talk. I walked over to Ryan hugged him and he had to then ask if that was a yes J We decided to get married that November 16th. What was so right about Ryan and I? We both came from such different backgrounds but we both came together knowing how important marriage is. That it’s not something to take lightly. We knew we would do everything to work together and to make “us” work. The first year wasn’t horrible but it was hard. The second year was really really HARD. But we worked hard together. There were times we both wondered if we make the right choice. Then came our little Makenzie. She changed our life more than we could have ever imagined. Her life. and her death. We knew we were a team and only we could get through this together. We were told so many times that the death of a child would make or break you. Let me tell you I can absolutely see how it could break you. It’s the most traumatic, horrible experience of your life and you now have to try and deal with all those emotions with someone else who most likely doesn’t feel the same things you do at the same times. But we survived. We are continuing to live. And we are doing it together.
Now that was a really long explanation as to how we met and got engaged. Sorry J

         12. My question for you is you going to find out the gender(s)? You going to still try and move?
Yes we will find out the gender of the baby. I think it would be fun to wait but I know I never could. I am far too anal to wait. I need to have everything done before they get here. And plus I’m just far too excited to wait longer.
We still want to sell our condo. It’s been on the market for over a year now. We were thinking of renting it out and making it somewhat of a property investment but I honestly would rather just sell it. We are just taking it one step at a time and we will see what happens. I hate the in between right now though.





Thank you all SO much for asking these questions. It was fun to do and I hope I answered them good enough. 
Love...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

2 1/2 years old!

How in the world is it that you are 2 1/2 Makenzie?
Who told you that you could grow up? Who said that it was okay to let time go by so quickly?
I cant imagine what life would be like with a 2 1/2 year old. Running this household. I can only imagine the things you would have taught me. I can only imagine the Mum I would have been. Its funny because I sit here and tell you over and over how much I love and miss you and then I wonder how much I would actually love you if the last 2 years never happened? What if you were still here. Would I have learned how much I love I actually have for you?! I cant imagine that I ever would have. I cant imagine being able to really see this side of love. Seeing it be so pure. So limitless.
I feel so torn. Wanting you back. Wishing things were different. Aching to hold you.
But then I wonder what kind of Mother I would have been. I'm ashamed to say I wouldn't have been good enough. My patience was not what I should be. My love was not as big. Who you deserve- I was not. I wish I would have been. I wish I could have learned all this without going through all of it.
Don't get me wrong. I loved you with all my heart. I loved you with everything I had and I would have done anything and everything for you..... at least as much as my mind would have allowed... 
but now. Seeing how big, how long, how strong, how intense love can really be. 
I am a totally different Mom.
I know I'm not perfect. I definitely wont be with this baby either. But the way ill love will be completely different. Seeing my child's entire life. Seeing it begin and end. Knowing how it can all be over. 
Just like that. Changes someone.
Oh Makenzie you gave me the greatest gift I could ever imagine. You answered my prayers. As much as I wish you were here. Being a wild sassy 2 1/2 year old. I know that whenever I get to be your Mom again and raise you. I will be a million times better. I wont make as many mistakes. Mistakes like not soaking up what it feels like when your breath is on my neck. Mistakes like not kissing those toes more. Mistakes like thinking I always had tomorrow to read you a story, to have you see the sunrise, or to let you feel the snow fall on your cheeks. 










Then again... No amount of kisses, sunrises, books or winters would be long enough. 
For you my muffin, I really will need a lifetime. I will need eternity.
Time cant exist. I need you. All of you. and to never let you go.
Maybe God knew that.
I guess that was his plan.

I promise ill remember everything you taught me about love, life and happiness. I promise ill give my everything to your little brother or sister. I promise there will never be a day they forget you. Because if it wasn't for you. They wouldn't be here. and they wouldn't be loved and wanted like they already are.

Happy 2 1/2 year birthday Makenzie Rye. 
Thank you for giving me the world.
Someday ill repay you. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

another Q&A... plus my horrible- rotten- no good- very bad day.

I cried today, a couple times. Not full on giant tears with my mouth open cry or anything but the kind that you have to hold your head back so the tears can form bigger puddles in your eyes without dripping while you wave your hands back and forth trying to dry it all up. You know what I mean!
Anywho. Do you want to know why?
Several reasons.
8 reasons for my horrible. rotten. no good. very bad. day
#1. I hate running. and I am determined to stay active this pregnancy. and I MADE myself go running this morning.
#2. I made tuna fish for lunch (BTW I have been meaning to look up if I can eat tuna- anyone know?) anyway- I couldn't find a tupperware container so I put it in a glass bowl and put cling wrap over it. When I got to work- It had spilled out the side so I had to scrap my tuna off the side of a plastic bag in order to eat it.
#3. I found these walnut clusters in the back of the cupboard. Ryan made them for neighbor Christmas treats way back- mid December- they sounded sooo yummy so I grabbed them to eat at work. I waited all day to eat them so I had something to look forward to. I took one bit and almost puked. They were disgusting. Old. Gone bad. Horrible. I took 2 or 6 more bits hoping it would start to taste better but each bit was worse than the last. I finally threw the bag away.
#4. I found out some news today about some things. I want to be totally honest with my peeps on here but there are some people who I know read this blog so I don't want to say anything more than that.
KEEPING YOU ON YOUR TOES with the unknown right?! Okay ill will say... someone I know named their baby Makenzie. Obviously I love the name. but is it bad for me to think the name belongs to my Makenzie and only her?
(this is where you agree with me even though I'm being totally ridiculous because I'm pregnant and you ALWAYS agree with pregnant women)
#5. You know those HUGE decisions we are making in life. Well I am super nervous and I am just hoping we get the answers from God as to what is right for our little family. and as of today... God has not sent that text message letting me know what to do! seriously!
#6. I miss the mini. even though I just had her yesterday. she is not here today and I don't like it. She is my tea party guest.
#7. Ryan is snoozing instead of rubbing my feet or tickling my back. WHO DOES THAT?!
#8. I ordered some phone chargers about 5 months ago online. I never received them but I found a great deal on some others so I ordered more. I thought that order was lost and there was some conspiracy as to me not ever getting a phone charger so I went to the apple store and spent $40 on a new charger. Well I got home today and had 2 packages. that's right. BOTH orders for my super cheap-awesome steal- chargers came. SO now I have 8 BRAND NEW chargers. Guess I wont be needing any more for a long while. ps- if you need an iphone/ipod/ipad charger get it online. like on amazon. i paid $3 per charger and they seem to work great. and 3 of them are colored. purple. blue and yellow. hello awesome! ill keep you updated if they continue to work or if they die soon. but hey $3 isn't too bad.

so there you have it. I cried because of all 8 of those reasons. think the pregnancy hormones are kicking in? i think so. my oh my. but to be honest. in between tears. i really had a great day. i am lucky to have my job. my husband. my boss. my family and this wittle bebe growing in me. who's heart is going to start beating and pumping blood this week by the way! talk about amazing.

i also wanted to take this opportunity to do another Q&A... the last one was fun despite the not so nice comments but i promised i would do it again and i bet some of you have questions especially regarding this new little addition. so here is your chance. ask away! ask anything. i might not answer some things but i most likely will. lets face it. i might share too much sometimes. oh well.
so ill keep it open until FRIDAY JANUARY 20th. Ill answer them all either that night or early Saturday morning!

Week -- 5

.... Pictures will come maybe starting at 10 weeks ....

How far along? 5 Weeks
Total weight gain: None so far. That will change by tomorrow I'm sure.
Maternity clothes? My sister is currently using all of my maternity clothes but her bebe is due any day so ill get them back soon.
Stretch marks? No more than the ones I got with Makenzie.
Sleep: Great.
Best moment this week: Seeing the little Disneyland gifts my sister bought for the BABY.
Miss Anything? Nothing yet.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: None. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing.
Gender: I have no idea but Ryan is certain its twin BOYS.... seriously...
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: None.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! 
Looking forward to: Seeing BABY at our ultrasound next week!




Hooray for being PREGNANT. Hooray for a baby coming in September. Hooray for Makenzies little brother or sister.
Ryan and I are making some HUGE life changing decisions right now. ON TOP OF THIS BABY. But that choice was super super EASY. I am soaking up every second of this pregnancy but I am honestly anxious for this month to be over simple for the rest of our life to somewhat lay into place.  No matter what happens. I have a baby coming and I you cant get the smile off my face. I have promised myself and Ryan that I wont buy ANY baby things until I'm at least 10 weeks along. Other than some burp clothes that Ryan's Grandma is going to help us make I haven't made a single purchase. and that my friends, is HUGE for me. especially working in a baby boutique.


I want to THANK YOU all again for the mass amount of love and support. We are so lucky to have so many people who have prayed for us and hoped they would see a positive result along with us! Thank you for following our journey so far and I am thrilled to share the rest with you. The good and bad. Thank you for just being there. 


Here's to 5 weeks down... 35 weeks to go!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Kenzie Day 25

Kenzie Day #25 = Kangaroo Zoo
Oh the amount of smiles.
We had a blast. How could you not?! A room full of things to jump on. You can go nuts!
There were a few owies but nothing that wouldn't be fixed with another jump.
We had tons of pizza and an endless amount of treats.
Such a happy happy night.












 














I love that all Makenzie's cousins ask when the next Kenzie day is. I love that they cant wait to send another balloon off to her. I love that they ask about her. I love that they never forget her when they talk about their cousins. She is so much around. She will forever watch over each and everyone of them. I am so lucky that because of my daughter we get to have a day to celebrate her life every month. 

Oh Makenzie Rye I can only imagine the fun you had watching everyone. and I'm sure you got some extra laughs from watching me run around (and almost get stuck) on all that stuff. 
Ill admit got just a little child claustrophobic.

Friday, January 13, 2012

finding out.

WOW... What an unbelievable amount of love and support you have shown us! We are so touched. Since we found out we are just elated. I am so thankful for this gift and I know how incredibly lucky we are. My heart just aches of all those other women who are wanting just what I have now. 
I am praying for you. Praying you get your wish. 
I know Ryan and I have so much in life and we have been blessed beyond measure. 
I am soaking up the minutes I get with this little life now. I didn't take advantage of the beauty of pregnancy with Makenzie. I was so impatient (shocking right). I just wanted her here. I had a hard time bonding with this life inside me. I kept hearing everyone say how they loved being pregnant. I didn't get it. I felt ugly, fat and uncomfortable. Well I have to admit that this round I don't care if I gain a hundred pounds. To know I am growing this little life inside me. To know I will hold this child. To know I am going to be their Mum. Is more than anything I could ever dream. I know God has his own plan for us. I am lucky our plan came when it did. I am learning everyday how to be more patient. I know this is such an important lesson in life. I know I need to learn this for a million more things to come in life. God knows me. He knows you. We all have a purpose. We all have a reason. 
This little life is so incredibly loved. Ryan and I cant stop pinching ourselves. We cant believe its real.

So ill tell you how we found out and how we told our family...
I said I was going to wait until January 10th before we tested. That was the day Ms. Flo was suppose to make her appearance so I wanted to wait get a fairly accurate reading.  Well you should know by now patience is my weakness. I had tested twice the week before. Both negative. I didn't feel discouraged this time. I just knew in my heart God had a plan and if it wasn't this round. It would happen someday.  Well on Sunday morning I just had a feeling maybe I should test.  I didn't tell Ryan I was going to. I sat there and waited for the results. SERIOUSLY THE LONGEST 3 MINUTES OF ANY ONES LIFE!
As I kept glancing at the test I saw a plus sign forming. I thought my eyes were playing tricks so I went downstairs to get breakfast and came back like 30 minutes later. It looked like a positive sign. I decided to take another test. That's when I took the clear YES or NO one. After those 3 LONG minutes. A big fat YES popped up. HOLY MOLY. Then I took another... You know- just in case. and that one had a very clear PLUS sign. I was freaking out just a bit. We were going over to Ryan's parents that night and I thought of wrapping this little gift I had got Ryan and have him open it there to tell him the news. again I lack on patience and couldn't wait. I made it past lunch when I just couldn't hold back. We were in our bedroom and I asked Ryan if he thought I got pregnant this round. He looked at me weird and said.. "umm.. are you?"
I couldn't say anything I just started smiling and pulled out his gift. It was the little Utes hat and socks. He looked at it and looked at me and said... "SERIOUSLY." Then leaped up and grabbed me.
We just kept saying over and over--- oh my god--- oh my god---
I got that little blanket to give Makenzie when we ever got pregnant. We wrapped it up and took it to my Moms house. She opened it up and freaked. We then went to Ryan's parents and they did the same thing.
It was such a fun day.
I took 5 more tests over the next 3 days. ALL clearer than the last. 

These 249 more days are going to seem like forever. But I am so excited that for the next 249 days I get to wake up and go to sleep with this little life inside me.

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