Friday, September 30, 2011

COOKBOOK- FINAL DAY

Its the final day to enter recipes for the cookbook...
If you need directions on how to enter them in go HERE.
We have so many recipes I cant stop smiling.
I am working on editing each and every one which I will have complete by October 8th.
Ill then get them ordered which means you can then order them!
WooHoo...
If you want me to add where you are from and didn't already do so, please email me ASAP. I cant go back and change anything after October 8th.
Thank You so so so sooooo much for everyone of you that have added a recipe.
I owe you my life!
Love You!

Progress...

I have been tracking the 22 lbs dome shaped package like a hawk.
It was delivered at 10:02 am.
Hooray!
Donor Sperm is safe and sound at the University waiting for my body to be ready!


I have mentioned before we are starting to change Makenzie's room.  We knew it would happen at some point so we decided to start making the big changes sooner rather than later. We have preserved that room for almost 2 years now.  Its time.  It will soon be her sister or brothers room.  They will sleep in her bed. I will rock them in her chair. We will read her books. She will forever be so much apart of that room but its not her room anymore. 
I hate saying that. I hate knowing it will not be Makenzie's room.
However I am thankful I will someday be able to say its baby's room.

We spent so much time thinking about what we wanted and how it would be set up.
I wanted purple walls but we ended up with this bubblegum pink.
It all started like THIS...
Ended like THIS...

We slowly made it more Kenzie with her pictures.
It was perfect.
Before I came home from the hospital after Kenzie passed away my sister and Ryan put all of her things in her room. At least everything that was spread throughout the house. It took a while for me to go in there. Even longer to go through it and sort things.  Even longer to pack up her closet to store at my moms so it wasn't falling out as people were looking through our house while we are trying to sell it. 
I just packed up her bedding.
Still haven't washed her clothes or emptied her diaper pail. 
Ill get around to that. 
Someday.

These pictures were taken right before I started to pack things up to take to my Moms. There was stuff everywhere. Crammed into her tiny room. We had everything. We were ready for a lifetime with her. 







Her diaper bag was last used on November 17th.  The day I rushed her to the ER. 
That little striped outfit was the last outfit she wore. Her leggings. Matching socks. That is what I remember staring at as I ran through the hospital trying to get to her pediatrician. I took that outfit off of her to get her hooked up to the oxygen machines. To get her poked. To try to give her some relief.
I put that back on her to put her in her car seat so she could be transported to PCMC in the ambulance. 





This is her room the other day. I have tried to pick it up a little more. To not have it such a disaster. 
The transition from Makenize's room to a baby's room has been harder than I ever thought.
Finding new things.
Remembering.
I just miss her. More than I could ever imagine missing someone.
Remember all those times she was just hurting. Wishing I would have known what I know now. Wishing I would have helped her more.







All of the paint samples.
We ended up not picking any of these.
We went with more of a blue/green.
Ryan picked out the color.
Against his will. He hates picking things like that. But I needed him to make the decision. 
I don't want to change it.
Its too much.



I am so happy and so ready to be a Mom again. 
But I am so scared. So afraid. So sad that it wont be Makenzie.
I will fall in love with this baby.
I have no doubt.
But Makenzie is still gone.
What I first learned with her. The first look at her. The life she gave me will never be lived again.
I am so torn between the happiness and sadness.
The new and the past.
The future and what was.


I had a dream last night.
It was amazing.
I had the baby.
I am not sure if it was a boy or girl.
It had tons of crazy black hair.
The day I brought it home I went into their room to check on them and peaked over the crib.
In my dream they didn't look like a newborn... More like a 3 month old. But it was in this mint green nightgown. It was laying there holding their feet with a toy in between them. They looked up and me and smiled this incredibly big smile. 
I woke up after that.
I had this warm overly excited feeling in my heart that just longed for that. 
To have that child in our home.
To be their mom.
I will treasure that opportunity.
It will be such a blessing.
I guess the grieving process will just always be there in some way.
The happiness will come and the sadness.
I have to accept both.
Know both are normal and okay.
With joy I will experience sadness.
and
With sadness I will experience JOY.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Ordered!

Had our last little meeting.
Signed all the papers.
Went home and made the big PURCHASE!

For all of 5 seconds we decided to do the search again just to make sure this was the RIGHT donor.
This time I had Ryan take complete control and do the selection of everything.We read about 25 more profiles. We just didn't feel any of them compared to our guy.It was a rather frightening yet exciting feeling to order 3 vials. To know this is how we will be getting our family. It has been sent overnight to the University and should arrive no later than Friday morning. Then we wait.I will start testing my LH level next week.I cant believe how quick this could happen. I don't want to get my hopes up. But lets me honest... I have already started planning the next 9 months knowing I will be pregnant :)

FYI... If we get pregnant this round my due date will be July 3, 2012.
That's rather close to Ms. Kenzies birthday. Guess I cant expect she will get the whole month of July all to herself.I just pray and pray she can give up her little play buddy for a while. I know it will be hard but I would sure appreciate it Makenzie!

We are excited for the next couple weeks. It will be a whole lot of waiting! Its going to take forever!
I didn't think I would ever say this--- but I am so excited to be pregnant again.
Not necessarily for every single part. Lets face it, pregnancy is really not as beautiful as most would like to say. At least for me. I turn into a man. Belch, Fart, lazy... I get huge and puffy...
But I am so excited to know there is this little life growing in me. That is the time I CAN protect them from everything and take them everywhere. I never have to put them down. Ah... its all just so exciting!


PS. This morning I spilled my coffee in my crotch. And it burned. And I'm still waddling. Its okay to laugh. I did. Right after it happened. If only someone would have filmed it. I went to drink and..... oops.
There must be a hole in my mouth. It just all feel out all over.
It really really hurts.

I'm going to go ice my crotch to get it ready for the upcoming baby implanting.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sooner than we thought

*Warning... Since I am going to be really specific in documenting this little journey I will warn you It
might not always be G rated. Sorry. But this is more for me to remember this process.*

Since I had Makenzie I have yet to get on a regular monthly cycle. I am never "on-time"
Whether I am early or late by a couple days or even a week or 2.  Its rather annoying to me but there doesn't seem to be anything wrong so I just have to deal.  HOWEVER... Being kind of random like this leaves us hanging on the edge for when it will or will not start.  Like now.  When I am wanting to know because once I start I will only have 9 days to wait until I can start testing my LH surge and once I get that positive result that my LH surge is at its peak... Its baby implanting time!  Well I didn't think I would be starting for another week.  I haven't ordered our vials yet because I haven't had the chance to run up to the University to sign the papers for them to store them.  Of course last night I started!
I guess that explains my moodiness :)
So today I have woken early. I am getting ready for work then I will be off to get those dang papers signed so I can order my vials tonight or tomorrow.  I am hoping I have enough time to get implanted this cycle.
I am not saying I will get pregnant but I am sure hoping and praying. 
Ryan is more anxious and excited.  I am excited and very nervous. 
We have decided on our perfect donor and its the one Ryan liked better.
-- seriously I am telling you he always knows the answers before me. I need to just stop fighting it and admit he us usually right about that kind of stuff ---

... So when you pick a donor they are anonymous and don't have names or pictures listed but they do have celebrity look alikes listed instead.  That has been rather fun. I know this is a serious matter and we are being very serious about the whole thing but we still have to laugh. So we will.  We have made several jokes and have tried really hard to find our celebrity crush look alikes. 
Ryan found his. and guess what... It was our #1 match to him!
I did the search like 15 times because I didn't believe it.  That's right our donor (aka: Collin Farrell look alike) matches Ryan's description 79%. Personally I don't think Ryan looks like Collin Farrell but its more hair color, eye color, skin color, ethnicity, weight, interests that are factored into the matching process... So he is our match. And it just so happens if Ryan was a girl he would have picked Collin.
My celeb crush is Bradly Cooper.  There was no Bradly Cooper look alikes :(
That's okay I guess since we are really looking for Ryan's look alike and not my fantasy.

So there you have it.
Day 1 yesterday...
Day 2 today...
We only have 7 days to get these vials here!


I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned for hours. I turned the TV on. Turned music on. Nothing helped. I kept praying. That's usually why I cant fall asleep because I cant stop praying.  I tried to stop but my mind kept asking God to please help all of this work out. To please help other families who are going through this same thing have their own baby.  To help anyone who wants a child have one.  Its such an incredible feeling to know its the right time. To know you are trying to create this life. To see how much you love this little thing before its even existed.  I know fertility problems are so common.  So many people are faced with so many of the same decisions Ryan and I have been faced with. Maybe for different reasons but big, huge, important reasons all the same.  And many don't have all the options Ryan and I have been blessed to have.  I am realizing this.  That we are lucky.  I am starting to get over my temper tantrum of not understanding why we couldn't just get pregnant on our own and have a healthy child.  It could be worse. We could have less options.  No matter what, I need to thank God because this life is my life. It has been made for me.

With our future child I hope they can see one day how much they are wanted.  That we would do anything to have them.  This child is mine and Ryan's 100%.  The only difference is we couldn't get them here healthy so we needed a little extra help.  That's all that this is.  Help to get our child here. I am thankful for this opportunity. I am thankful for our donor.  I am thankful for everyone who has been praying for us.

So even if I had a long night of not sleeping. I hope God heard some of my prayers and will help another family out there get an opportunity.  Get a chance.  Have a window open after all the doors that have been shut.  And I pray it works.  For them. For us.
To be blessed with the greatest gift we could ever receive.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Following the Journey

Whats been on my mind...
... I desperately need to get my hair done but there is no budget for that right now...
... I am so very happy fall is quickly approaching...
... I have started learning to sew, Its a scary sight but im learning ...
... My version of shopping lately has been online, I load up my shopping cart- stare at the items then delete them all. Keeps my bank account happy but my closet sad ...
... I have been working on Ryans anniversary gift for almost a month now, he better not forget :) ...
... I had to buy harley a sweater the other day because she is consistently freezing ...
... I want to go camping soooo bad, I love fall camping ...
... I cant wait to get this recipe book printed- seriously these recipes are to die for ...
... Its almost October! I.Cant.Wait.For.Halloween! ...

But all of that has really only been on my mind for a few seconds because my mind...
and Ryans,
 has been completely consumed with 1 thing.

... Ryan and I. Have decided. What the next step in our life will be. How to grow our family ...



After a lot of thought. 
lots of prayers.
lots of talking with family.
lots of talking with doctors.
lots of planning.
lots of research.
we have decided.
we are going to move forward with a sperm donor.

I am sure there will be about a million and 1 posts to come about this.
Documenting our journey.
To say this can happen quick is an understatement.
Like I could be pregnant by this time next month. 
Of course its not usually that easy to get pregnant so it could take a lot longer.
But we are keeping our fingers crossed.


How does this work?
Well I will still be working with my OB which is a blessing. I love him and his nurse so I couldn't imagine going with anyone else. He has been through everything with us so I am thankful he will be helping us with this as well.
The University of Utah will be storing and preparing the vials once we order them from the sperm bank we have chosen, which is located in California.  We have narrowed down our sperm donors to 2. One I like a little better and 1 Ryan likes a little better. We really like both so I know we will be happy either way.  We have been able to be extremely specific on how we choose the donor.  
Hair Color
Height
Ethnicity
Religion
Blood Type
Education level
etc
etc
etc....
Really its rather fascinating.
We can see their hobbies and interests. We could buy their baby pictures.
After we order our vials they are sent to the University here in Utah for prepping and storage.
Once my body is ready (When I am ovulating) I go pick up one of the vials and take it to my OB.

The whole process has been so foreign to me. I have never known anyone who has done this. When we first were told of this option after Makenzie was diagnosed Ryan and I both didn't think we would ever chose this. But like every other decision over the past 2 years... Life happens and things change.
What you think you would NEVER do... You may be faced with at any minute.
I challenge everyone to think twice before you judge or say "I would never do that"
You really never know. Not until you are faced with that something.

So what is going to happen next?
We have to get some papers signed then we will be making the purchase.

I hope that if anyone is ever faced with a decision like Ryan and I have been or if you are considering a sperm donor for whatever reason- we can maybe help you see if this is or is not for you.
I hope other parts of our journey has done the same for some people.  I know we have benefited from other blogs and others stories.  Sometimes the knowing is what makes all the difference. Whether its good or bad.  Whether its knowing how bad it could be or knowing how good it could be. 
There will always still be the unknown. But at least part of the path isn't as dark.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Keep moving forward... Keep doing hard things.

Had a hard time waking up this morning. Weird dream. I always tell Ryan right away about my dreams. Usually because they are so random and so far out there.  Last night was a dream about going on a trip. Ryan got bored of me and left so I said--- to hell with it. Ill find me a new man. I did. He was this hot young guy in a wheelchair. I would sit on his lap as he wheeled us up and down the boardwalk by some ocean. Very romantic. Then he got bored of me and decided he wanted to leave me and feel for one of my friends. Ill leave her name out of this because I woke up mad at this particular person until I talked myself down realizing it was all just a dream and in fact Ryan was still married to me :)
Anywho. I woke up and at some point during the night I moved my wedding ring onto my right hand. It was one of the first things I noticed because lets face it--- those wedding rings become like part of your finger so I thought my finger fell off. Ryan just laughed at me. My dreams are usually this random and weird so he enjoys hearing about my latest adventure during the night.

but seriously... every morning I wake up and think...
I wish I had dreams of Makenzie.

I pray every single night that I will dream of her. I remember my last dream that she was in. I wrote about it. It was a long time ago. Over a year. I hate that I cant dream of her and I dream of a romantic rendezvous with some dude. ahh... I want to dream of her. I want to dream of being her mum. I want to dream I am holding her. 
As we are really diving into figuring out how to go about having another child the thought of her not being that child has really been hard. I know silly. I already accepted this. For the first year I begged and prayed and even thought God would give her back to me.  I now know that's not going to happen. She is to good for this. She is in a much better place. I wouldn't wish her back for her--- just for me.  Just for my selfish wishes. Wishing I could have her. Wishing I could never let her go. Wishing I could raise her. Wishing I could take care of her. I struggle in my mind with telling myself this is such a selfish thought--- to whatever, I just want her. I usually end with telling Makenzie that I love her, that if she was still here I would be the happiest person in the world and I would be the best Mum possible for her. But that I know she needs to be where she is and that I hope and pray she understands how much I truly love her. Then I thank God for holding her. I apologise for all the harsh words I just said to him and ask him to just give my baby loves and make sure she is doing absolutely perfect. 

This little battle goes on at least once a day. It used to go on several times a day.  I have to apologise to God quite a bit.  Poor guy. I am not very nice sometimes.  He sure gets the wrath of it all. 
I know its not that he did anything TO me.
He did it FOR me. 
He did it FOR Makenzie.
Its just that I miss her.
I want her.
My mind gets fuzzy and I forget he can do a better job of raising her than I can.
I still just need selfish moments like that.

I wish I could dream of her.
I wish I could just pretend.
I pretend on other kids sometimes.
I sound crazy right?
But there are times when I'm holding or playing with certain kids that I close my eyes and just pretend.
I pretend that it was real. That they are my Makenzie. That she is here. Laughing and running. Or that I am kissing her when I kiss them.  It doesn't last long.
Then I kiss them for real-- for being who they are.

The thoughts of what we need to do for our family is constantly on our mind.
Ryan is like 110% sure what we should do.  He always KNOWS first. With everything. I am really really sure but my fear clouds the unknown.  I always second guess myself. When I feel something is right and have no doubt I usually jump in too fast.  I say too fast because sometimes its not feeling something is right rather than just wanting something and seeing an opportunity.  I have been paying close attention to my wants, needs, feelings and trying to separate them. To know what is a want. What is a need. and what is the right thing to do.  I feel we have made our decision. But it doesn't take the fear away.  It doesn't take the mass amounts of prayer asking if this is what God wants us to do away.
-- Seriously... Cant he just send me a letter, come for a visit and tell me this is either right or not? I don't like always relying on faith. Makes me nervous. I always doubt myself. That maybe I really am not in touch with God.  I need to learn more faith I guess.

This figuring out how to have a family without just getting pregnant isn't very easy.  You don't want to make a mistake. You worry about money. You worry about if it will work. You worry about all the unknown.
I know so many people have these same struggles. These same fears. These same worries. 
I will sure pray for all of you. Because its not easy.


I know this is changing the topic a little but there is a point to it... I just had to say the other day I went to lunch with a good friend... It was funny because I have never met this friend in person.  We met through our blogs. Many of you know her... My sweet Ashley... Anywho- We finally got to meet and chat. What felt like an hour was actually 3 1/2 hours.  All we pretty much talked about was our girls. What happened. What we have since been through. Mainly things we don't talk about on here. Such different experiences yet so similar. She sure helped me.
I have been missing Makenzie so so so much. The missing and hurt come in waves now.  Its always there but the magnitude isn't always as great. Lately its been great. I have been doing things around my house and just in my life in general to prepare myself for someone else coming into our family. Someone that is not Makenzie.  I have said it before but her room hasn't really changed.  The things in her closet and the majority of her toys that were in toy bins were packed up and stored at my moms since we are trying to sell our condo but her room for the most part has been left untouched.  Her bed has not been changed since the last night she slept in it.  The same sheet. The same blankets. The same toy. The same snuggy are all sitting right where she left them.  I have yet to wash any of the clothes in her dirty clothes basket and I have yet to empty her diaper pail, that is full by the way.
(The day she went to the hospital I was kind of rushing to get her ready before my Mom got there to watch her while I went to work. The thought came to me that I should empty it especially since it was trash day but never got around to it. So its still there. Full of her dirty diapers)
Her dresser, her bows, her diapers are all there. Right where they belong.  The picture frame is still crocked. There was several nights I was holding her in that rocker and staring at that picture frame thinking I need to straighten that when I get up... Then I would forget and so it reminds crooked.
Well in order to get myself ready for that room to change... To not be for Makenzie anymore. To not be my shrine of her. I have slowly been changing things... I moved the bookcase and the chair. I moved her dresser into our room (still full of her stuff... I cant pack it away because I look at it all the time. I need it all there. Full and ready for me to empty and lay in to dream of her)... I took down her big net thing that hung around the chair. But the hardest by far was changing her bedding.  I shook as I took everything apart. For every string I untied around the bumper I had to stop and breathe. As I took off that sheet. The sheet that she slept on. That last held her head. I lost it. To take off the bedding skirt. The fold the blankets. To put them in that tote....
I almost stoped about 50 times. But I kept going. I knew it needed to be done. This was not where she slept anymore. She would not be using that bed anymore. I would not be getting her up in the morning ever again.  I buried my face in every square inch of everything. I tried to soak in as much of her smell that was left.
I put the new bedding in the crib but didn't set it up... Its all just sitting in there. I think ill get the room ready when I need to.  For right now I just wanted to take the first step.
Ashely and I talked about this.  I asked her how she did it with Preslees stuff in order to get ready for Ledger.  For some reason just knowing she did it. That Ledger is now in that bed. That she has been able to love again... Made all the difference.  Funny how something that seems so simple can be such a milestone.  With several different things, Ashley has helped me see there are a lot of those kinds of milestones that we can do.  I am almost a year further into this than her. Yet she has taught me more than I could ever teach her. Sorry girl. Guess you better just change the world yourself :)

With everything in life.
We have to just keep going.  There is no pausing or stalling forever.  I so much wish things could be easy and so not complicated. That we could dream what we want, we could get the answers we want. We can do simple tasks without a problem.  I guess if that was the case life would be pretty mundane. We wouldn't realize true happiness, true gratitude, true hope, true faith or true strength. 
Every little or big thing can help shape us into the person we are continuously learning to be.
Not dreaming what I want teaches me I am just not in control.
Not getting my telegram from God teaches me the answers will not come easy and I have to work for what I want.
Not being able to take down my daughters bedding without a nervous break down but still taking it down teaches me I am strong. That I can do hard things. That life will not go easy on us and that in the end we need to learn these lessons in order to be who we need to be.

I try to look at different things I do in life as a way for me to learn something.  A crazy hectic morning that causes me to be late is helping me learn I need to just breathe and stop getting so frustrated. That just because it started out that way doesn't mean I cant change it. That there is no destiny. That you can change your path. You can do what you want. You can live with happiness. Nothing is ever over until its over.
I am slowly learning how to live this way in my everyday life. I am far from perfecting it.  I have a long road ahead. But there is no better time to keep moving forward and to keep doing hard things, than now.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

This and That

So the last few days have been rather chaotic.
In a good way.
lots of working, lots of fixing, lots of praying, lots of talking, lots of meetings, lots of emails....

I want to first thank everyone for all your amazing support and advice.  It really means a lot and we have considered everyones perspective.  Sometimes you need to take yourself out of the situation and see it from the outside looking in to get every angle before making big decisions... so thank you for helping us with that.  We are leaning a little more toward one option and ill keep you updated through the process but we are not entirely convinced on anything quite yet so we still have a little ways to go.  

Now onto the next...

There is so much going on in every other aspect in our life as well...
Our house is falling apart :(
Okay so not really but doesn't it always happen that when one thing goes everything goes? 
We have like a million projects going on all at once. Our house is a disaster. I vacuum and dust everyday but dust and dirt still cover every square inch of everything.
Cant complain tooo much because its getting done and things will look so nice after.
But seriously... Bad timing. 
Lets just hope with all these changes it will help our house SELL!


So my amazing Mum has decided to host a HUGE yard sale this Saturday!!!
If any of you live in Utah you have to come. 
I am so excited although Ryan has instructed me I cant buy anything!
:(
All money raised she is putting toward our baby fund. 
From the items I have seen collected so far. Its going to be great. She is also having a bake sale there. 
Its in Farmington on the corner of Lloyd Road and Main street right off US89.  In the parking lot across the street from Cherry Hill Water Park. 
THIS SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 24... 8:00 am  - 11:00 am
There is tons of furniture. Tons of clothes. Tons of toys. Tons of home decor....
There will even be a ton of brand new items still in their retail boxes.


The cookbook... Its amazing!
Can I not say THANK YOU enough. WOW... We have over 530 recipes!!!!
ahhh...
And they all look heavenly.  I have started editing each of them and my mouth waters consistently.  You are all amazing cooks.  I just wanted to remind you if you want to put your name with where your from please do so. If you have already submitted the recipe unfortunately you cant edit it.  So just send me an email and ill change it.  If you live in a different country-- please put the country you're from. I saw someone from Guatemala submitted some recipes! That is amazing! My goal is to have everything edited and ready for printing by October 8.  I will then get them printed and hope to have them ready to sell sometime between Mid- October and the Beginning of November... Depending how fast they get printed and sent our way.  I am not sure on the final price because it depends on the amount of recipes.  Ill let you know as soon as possible.  You will be able to order through paypal and ill either ship them to you, deliver them to you personally or you can pick it up. 
I'm sooo excited!
Thank you all sooooooo much again for all the support!


I have received quite a few emails about this and it makes me so happy :)
I just wanted to let you all know we ARE doing the baby leggings again this year.  Its very late in the year to be posting about this but If you are interested I am collecting legging to donate to Primary Children's Hospital on December 13th.  This year I am doing something a little different.  
I would love if you want to send me your leggings and ill take them to the children's hospital here in Salt Lake City Utah. But if you have a children's hospital near you and you would like to take some to them. PLEASE do.  I would love to spread this around as much as possible. Every kid needs a pair :)
I have a little story that goes with each pair of leggings and I would love if you donate it to a hospital near you to attach the story with the leggings.  If you email me ill send you the story to attach.  I would also love you to take pictures or write a quick note letting me you did this so I can properly thank you for spreading the leggings love!  Any leggings you send to me that will be donate on December 13th I need NO LATER than November 13th.  It takes time to prep each and every pair so I want to make sure I have enough time to get them all done and looking perfect :)


Thank you again for your prayers and support. 

I had to add one last thing so you have something to smile at.  
This girl makes me smile. 
Oh how I love her.
These are 2 different days and both times she was 100% responsible for the entire ensemble.  Even the clip on earrings. She did them herself. I was rather proud.



Sunday, September 18, 2011

Choices

I am thankful I live a life that for the most part we have "choices". We are free to say this or that. Do what we want. Believe what we believe. I feel very luck to have this. I know many people all around the world dont get this.
Sometimes I think--- Oh Thank God for choices.. I am far to controling to have someone else make my decsions.
Then there are other times... Like now... Where I just wish someone would make my choice for me because its just too dang hard!

Okay... Right after we lost little Gracie we knew we were supose to continue on with building our family and there was no waiting.  We have felt very strongly about building our family in some way since January. Figuring out how we will welcome the next child into our home.

Its funny how the 1 thing we cant really do is the thing I want to do the most.  That is just trying to get pregnant.  Its so annoying that when we look at the big picture there are several options and I am just being a big baby because I just want to get knocked up--- get fat--- and have a healthy baby.
I am getting closer to just accepting this might not ever happen and that is okay.  God will help us have a family it will just be in a different way.  I need to just get over my issues and accept that.  I have said it before but I know one day I will look my future child in the face and all of this frustration will be sooo worth it.  That any amount of time we wait will be worth it x100 because its this path that will bring us to them.
I have no doubt this will happen... I just wish I knew how the freak to get there!!!!

Okay I am more just writing just to write.
Get my thoughts in order and try to figure things out.
Ill just put all our options on the table so you know a little more about the situation...

- There is adoption... This is the path we have been thinking for the last month but we were going to try to Foster to Adopt.  I was part of the foster system when I was younger and it holds a special place in my heart.  I know what its like and I know how some of these kids are feeling.
Ryan and I started going to the classes and we feel strongly that this path is an amazing path but not sure its right for us right now.  Im not going to go into huge detail but the goal of Foster care is reunification with the birth parents... I am 100% on board with this. I absolutly believe if there is a chance these kids can go home- they should. But that also means we will have these precious, beautiful souls in our homes for an unknown amount of time and the whole time we will be doing everything in our power to get them back home.  If this is the right path for us--- we will absolutly jump on board.  We will do everything we can to help these kids and get them back home.  But that is a whole lot of Ryan and I putting our incredible desire for a family on hold.  Its usually an 8-12+ month process before we could consider adoption if that is ever a possiblity.  Going to these classes Ryan and I have realized this is such an amazing thing and we really want to be apart of this.  We want to help these children- even if its helping show them what a family looks like. A loving home with a Mom and Dad who would do anything for them.  But we are not sure we should be doing this right now.
Along with the adoption path we could go to an adoption agent and try that route.  We have met with 2 agencies and feel this is another amazing option.

- Sperm Donor...  Since SMARD is a genetic disease where both parties have to have the mutation we could use a sperm donor with my eggs and hopefully get pregant with a healthy child.  We have looked into sperm banks and looked at how detailed you can be with the sperm donor.  We can pick someone who looks just like Ryan so our child would resemble both of us.  This would give me the option to be pregnant.

- Egg Donor... Just like sperm donor but it would be Ryans sperm and a donor egg.  I would still carry the child and experiance the pregnancy.

- Embrio Adoption... When people store their embrios they sometimes dont use them all.  Instead of throwing them away some people put their embrios up for adoption.  This would be similar to the more traditional adoption route  but I would be able to carry the child.  It would be neither Ryan nor my biological child but I would still get the pleasure of carrying them to term.

- Preimplantation Genetics... This is where they would take Ryans sperm and my eggs--- grow the embrio then test the embrio for SMARD.  If it tested positive they wouldnt use that embrio and move to the next until we found a negative embryo.  This is one of the most expensive options... $30,000+
But this would be the option to give Ryan and I a biological child with a very large guarantee they would be free of SMARD.

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Fewww... Did you keep up with all of that?
Okay so those are the options we have on the table.  Some we have looked into more than others.  Some we feel could be right for us. Some we dont feel would be right for us.
Now its just trying to figure out what we should do.
We are praying so hard. We are trying to figure out what path God is wanting us to take.  We are trying to figure out how we are supose to get a child.  We want to be parents.  More than we have ever wanted before.  Ryans beautiful sister welcomed this amazing little man into our family last week.  It was unbelivable the feelings I felt looking at his perfect, new, fresh from heaven little face.  I wanted that. I want to be a Mom. I want to have a family.  I have dreamed my whole life of this.
I had that. For almost 5 incredible months.  It was the most perfect time of my life.  Having that, knowing how truely amazing it is to be a Mom. Makes it that much harder to not have that anymore.  It makes that wanting that much grater.  Ryan and I cant stop talking about it.  We cant stop trying to figure all of this out.  It might only be a few weeks since we lost Gracie but anyone who wants a child knows hours feel like weeks.  Weeks feel like months and months feel like years.  Its a totally different kind of want.  This isnt wanting a vacation, a new pair of shoes, a new house... This is wanting what we are put here on earth for.  This is wanting the most incredible blessing you could ever recieve in this life.  The wanting is not just wanting. Its a deep down ache, need, desire, hope and constant prayer.

We are taking a TINY step back.  We are really diving into all of our options and learning as much as we can about them to make the best choice for our family.  This is not something that we are going to wait a few months or even weeks to figure out. We have a few appointments set up this week to meet with some people.  I am hoping by the end of the week we can have a better feel for what we should or should not be doing.

I am just praying.
Please please please Heavenly Father...
Please help us know what we should do.

The State Fair

Last weekend we started out the day with a million things to do.
It wasn't even 9:00 am before Ryan said--- I want to see the goats. Maybe we should go to the fair.
Umm... Okay
We completed about half of what we needed to do and off to the fair we went.
The midget had fun on the few rides we let her ride.
We all had fun seeing the animals esp the horses.  Ryan and I desperately want to own a horse one day.
We each picked out our favorite fair treat.
We searched for a fun little toy for the little one but decided we would rather stop at the toy store on the way home... I know I'm a real party pooper- its all about the experience and I totally took that from her.
sorry girlie.
Maybe it was the 3-4 beers Ryan had throughout the evening but he couldn't resist pretending his lifelong dream of being a bull rider.  He jumped on that wild metal beast and held on for a full 8 seconds!
He was in the clear of any major injury until the very last second when the bull decided to make a quick whip and flipped him off end over end.  Somehow managing to smack him in the leg causing a massive, horrible bruise :(   poor boy.
Maybe someday he will make it in the big leagues.
We spent the majority of our night... with the goats... seriously.
I sure love my husband- even if he has a weird love for goats.
This is another animal added to our farm wish list we will one day have.
 I'm glad the little one was with us because after the goats, we would have been pretty bored. 
She kept us plenty entertained by being so excited for ever little thing that we saw.
Bright lights, Endless amounts of sugar, Animals + a 3 year old girl = a dream come true.

























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