Even after the unthinkable happens...
Even after you have gone through the greatest loss possible...
Even after you hit rock bottom...
It can still be surprising, and unthinkable and unimaginable that it could happen again.
Maybe in a different way. At a different time. Its possible. Again.
I just pray to God. As hard as I can pray. That he has a plan. That there is another way. That I can do this.
That he is there. That he is listening. That he is real.
I don't want to think. I don't want to plan. I don't want to find another way.
I want it to be like everyone else. I want this.
Again Ryan gets it. He knows. He believes.
I wish I could be like him.
I just pray.
Maybe it will come true. Someday.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday TO RYANNNN
Happy Birthday To You!
Its kind of awkward singing that by yourself to your husband who is being a poor sport about the whole blowing out candles just for him and I. Oh well. I do things that make me look silly for the memories.
My sweet sweet man just had a birthday.
I am so very blessed to have him in my life. To have him by my side.
He is my partner and I couldn't imagine it any other way.
I wish I could have done more. I wish I could make his day a huge celebration and make him feel like the king of the world. He refused a party. He didn't want to go out on his birthday.
So I did my best.
He came home to a clean house, presents and his favorite dinner that I don't cook very often because it takes so long. Plus instead of cake- I made him Reece's Peanut butter squares. His fav.
He watched his favorite (super boring) shows all night and I didn't even change the channel when he would doze off. I would just watch whatever he wanted so when he would wake up it would still be on.
I love this man.
He is simply irresistible. He makes my heart flutter. He still takes my breath away.
I am so very lucky.
That 27 years ago this man was born.
He amazes me every single day by just being him. Seeing the man he has grown to be. The husband and father he is naturally. I couldn't ask for more. He is my everything.
I pray I will give him half of what he has given me in our lifetime.
I Love You Ry
I am ready for the rest of forever with you.
Lived By Ryan.Kendra.Makenzie.Tracker at 7/26/2011 07:43:00 PM
Monday, July 25, 2011
How has it been so long since the first day you took your first breath.
How has life changed in such a short amount of time.
How is this life our new normal.
How is it possible to love someone so much.
I cant tell you how much you mean to me, how incredibly blessed I feel to have you as mine.
You are the reason I get up everyday. You are the reason I want to do good. You are what keeps me sane in this life. You are why I want to better the world. So others can see how precious life is and how the very unexpected can happen to the most unexpected people. That we should live everyday seeing the good. Living for our reasons in life. Even though you are not here. I am still living for you. For you and for your Dad. You two are the answers to every one of my questions.
Oh Makenzie. I wish I could have held you on your birthday. I wish I could have made a cake for you to eat. I wish I could have bought you toys and clothes instead of just books to read to heaven.
As much as I wish all these wishes. I know you are still living. I know that you are still real. That this isn't over. That you didn't end. I am living so one day I can hold you and celebrate your 1st and 2nd birthdays with you. That every one of my wishes will come true. I know God has given you an incredible life. A life I could never dream of for you. I would have died trying, but it would have always been trying. Now you have it. You have the life I have dreamed for you.
Ill put away my selfish wishes and just sit back and Thank God he has you right now.
Thank him for giving you that life.
I was given the best gift I could have ever asked for 2 years ago.
Thank you for being there. Always.
Listen to my prayers. I hope you can feel the love I have for you.
Lets dream together tonight.
Lets dream of your 2nd birthday.
Ill meet you there.
I love you to infinity... and more...
I love you Muffin
Lived By Ryan.Kendra.Makenzie.Tracker at 7/25/2011 08:15:00 PM
A few days before her procedure, Harley had her blood work and the initial visit and she immediately knew what was coming. She was not happy and wanted nothing to do with me for quite some time.
The day of her procedure we arrived early to get all checked in.
She was on edge.
Look at those bags under her eyes.
She didn't sleep well the night before.
We were both pepping each other up to get ready for our goodbyes. I took a final picture of her tooth.
I thought about having a tooth fairy kind of ceremony with it, but realized its a freakin dog and refused.
I didn't even want to see the thing after it came out.
She was there over 8 hours. Poor girl was so ready to come home. Her Dad picked her up.
We were reconnected and spent quite sometime on the floor loving each other up.
We have been pretty inseparable since. I have been babying her with chicken noodle soup for dinner every night. She cant eat her regular dog food for about 2 weeks.
She has spent the majority of her days doing a whole lot of this....
But she is home, toothless and doing well.
Now its time for my #2 root canal. I tried to wait as long as possible but lately its been killing me.
I finally had to get it done last week.
Remember my last root canal story... It was exactly the same except "Hot Doctor" was not hot this time. I was not very happy with him and so ready to never see him again in my life.
Nothing personal but seriously I hate root canals!
I am doing fine and ready to start eating on the left side of my mouth again. Couple more weeks and ill get the crown and be good to go.
Harley went back for her check up and we found her mouth to be infected.
and it didn't stop there. She also has a yeast infection in her ear.
So she is loaded up on antibiotics, ordered for soft caned food for a while longer and no playing.
She is so sad all the time.
I am so very sad too. I feel so bad for her.
Someday we will all be back to normal.
Lived By Ryan.Kendra.Makenzie.Tracker at 7/25/2011 04:15:00 PM
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Every year my Mom hosts her Summer party. Everyone is invited but she really only cares if her grandkids come :)
She is such a fun Grandma to everyone of them and adores them each.
She always wants them to have a great time, get along and just be a bunch of crazy kids.
She is going on her #18th Grandkid right now, with that many you would think a few would be forgotten or left out. Never. Not with her. She makes things for the older groups, middle groups, younger groups and babies. Some live out of state and she will make sure they feel apart of any activity by sending or saving little party favors for each of them.
Its always an adventure what fun things she comes up with, Its funny to see who actually participates and its hilarious to see her join in the fun no matter what.
This year we had the summer bash a little earlier in the year which made it perfect for extra entertainment by lighting fireworks.
Grandma is Grandma and needs to be in bed at a decent hour so fireworks/festivities, whatever the occasion, happens while still light outside.
Gotta love her.
(long ago, I wrote about these 2 midgets. They are 3 months apart in age. I cant believe how big they are getting)
Thanks for being the glue to hold this crazy family together mama.
You are the very very best!
Lived By Ryan.Kendra.Makenzie.Tracker at 7/24/2011 08:38:00 PM