Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Memorial Day 2011

A special day to remember some amazing people.
People who gave their life for us.
Our fallen soldiers.
We remember.
We thank you.


It was a low key day.
My Ryan was still gone, lost at the cabin in the woods. But lucky for me he was coming home today.
I haven't been feeling to hot and didn't really enjoy my time alone.
I missed that guy.
Luckily by the time I got to the cemetery he was there!
Some other very amazing people had already left our Kenzie some beautiful flowers.
We are so lucky to have so many people love our little muffin.
We added to the decor with some flowers and toys.




The bag pipes were there as usual and the sun even managed to peak its head through the clouds which was perfect. The whole hill was filled with flowers and people.  Its so peaceful every Memorial Day.

There he is!
My dirty, smelly, camo mountain man.
Look at our little nieces smile here. Ah I could eat her up.




I'm so blessed to live in this country. I'm honored to know so many service man and women.
I know our children will grow to know how so many people in their lives are the reason why we are free. 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

him~

I am very lucky.
I am married to the most amazing man. 
We have our struggles and issues.
I don't deny that. We have to work on our relationship every single day.
but what makes this guy so amazing... He is willing to work on us every single day as well.
Its about both of us and we both need to make sure the other is happy.
He is pretty amazing.
and it doesn't hurt that I think he is pretty hot as well.
We went to get some food and see a movie the other day.
I love love love sushi and Ryan hates it. 
But he took me there anyway.
I thank God everyday for allowing him to be in my life.
and that's not just because he indulges in my sushi obsession.




If you don't already know, Ryan is a BIG time hunter. His whole life. He was raised on the mountains.
Well he found out the other day that he drew out on the Pansigant... 
(Pansigant is an area down south that is known to have giant Bucks, which is male deer)
If you are a hunter you can only imagine how excited he is. If your not a hunter, Imagine your biggest dream just came true. (yes even above your wife-haha)
He has been putting in for this hunt for years and finally drew out.
Ryan needs hunt and cant be more anxious to get down there. 
Hunting around here doesn't start the day the hunt opens in August. It has already started.
The scouting, glassing, feeding... Trying to find where all these bucks are.

So it starts again. Every year I become a hunters widow.
but I am so very excited for him and hope he has the best time.

Ryan's whole family hunts. His Dad and Grandpa taught Ryan everything he knows. 
They have a cabin in Southern Utah that we spend lots of time at.  
I know Ryan will be thinking of his Grandpa and Kenzie alot while hunting. He did last year.
Its a very special place for all of those boys. And us girls too.

In 2009 Kenzie and I tagged along with the boys and went to the cabin. She loved it. She loved the big trees, being outside, and the mini 4wheeling ride.

A cute story about our hunting adventure with the boys...
Ryan's Dad wasn't feeling well one of the days so he stayed back at the cabin with me, Kenz and Harley while Ryan and his Brother in law(Shaun) went out.  We were sitting there looking out the HUGE window when we all spot the same thing. Buck!  Harley has learned to not bark at deer but she whines and shakes uncontrollably so I grabbed her and held her mouth shut in one arm and holding kenzie in the other with my stuck my finger in her mouth so she wouldn't make a peep either. 
The 3 of us anxiously watched Papa (Grandpa) leave the cabin and track the buck. We sat there as still as possible. I think all 3 of us stopped breathing just waiting. We were all leaning into the window trying to watch. We look up the street and see Papa throwing his happy fists around. He got it.
I bundled up Kenzie and we followed Papa to find the buck since he ran off.
After a few minutes in the rain we found it. 
I am so happy Kenzie got to experience her Dad and Papa's favorite thing. 
I could go on about the stories we had up there.
but ill only tell one more...

That night after the buck we all went to bed. Papa was in the bedroom, Shaun was in the front room and Ryan, Kenz and I were in the dining room because that was the warmest room and we had to keep our midget warm.  It was pitch black but there was still a little light from the fire still flickering. I thought I was seeing something in the air but didn't say anything until Ryan let out a little scream and jumped up yelling "Its a bat, Its a bat"
He flipped on the light and the damn bat started freaking out. Shaun jumped up and grabbed those grabby claws you use for a fireplace... you know the thing that opens and closes and you can pick up a log and put it in the fire so you don't get burned... anyway I hope you can picture it because that's one of the best parts. Well Ryan was only in his undies running around the house yelling. I threw my body over Kenzies bed so the bat did jump in and grab her and fly her away, Ryan was running around trying to slap the bad with his hat and Shaun was trying to grab it with that dumb grabber. AAhh... It was utter chaos.
Ryan finally hit the bat. It landed on the curtains and held on for dear life. He started hissing at us. It was so loud I could hear it on the other side of the room. Shaun clamped the bat and took it outside. 

It was a crazy night. Ryan and I then didn't sleep much because we were scared his bat friends would be back and attack Makenzie.  It freaked me out enough that I took my less than 2 month old baby home early :)  
Girls Road Trip.
What usually takes 4ish hours to get home from the cabin took us over 7 hours.
A girls road trip with a new Mom, a dog that has a bladder the size of a pea and a new baby. 
It was a little nuts but they all did amazing for the most part.

So that's enough story time. 

The point of this blog was to say how blessed I am to have my Ry Ry.
*I got a little distracted.. Oops*
Well Ryan gave me the best blessing anyone could dream of and he has been my very best friend though everything. 
He is the sweetest, most loving, most giving person I have ever known.
He makes me want to be a better person.
I want to succeed in life not only for Makenzie but for Ryan as well. I want to make them both proud.

Love you Babe.

Monday, May 23, 2011

anxiety..dreams..random

woozahhh...
Can you say anxiety attack. If I don't calm down I think I'm going to claw my way out the door, down the stairs, through the parking lot and into my car. Literally clawing. I'm on edge. My mind is racing. My heart is beating a million miles a minute. I hate this.... I hate anxiety. Do you all have it?
I have to take medication for it. Seriously I am a walking pharmacy. I have my downers and uppers my calmers and pick me ups. Its rather ridiculous and when I forget to take them. Boy you better watch out. Its rather frustrating... Today. Don't worry I took them but the anxiety is just kicked into high gear. I get these irrational thoughts and they wont go away. I start thinking about life and it becomes overwhelming. I start thinking about my wishes and want to lose control when I realize there is NOTHING I can do about them.
Oh my oh my. My fingers are tingly and my body cant settle. It seems every inch of me is shaking. I'm anxious. Nervous. Irritable.

I don't know what happened last night but my dream consisted of life long ago. High school.  Home with my Mom and little brother. Back then life's "issues" were so different. Not that they didn't matter. I think everyone has to go through those horrid teenager years to grow. Its just part of life. My biggest issues then?
Friends... Wanting them or not wanting them. Who was my BFF? Who will hang out with me?
Boyfriend... I had the same one pretty much all of high school. Of course that came with the regular relationship drama. He was a year older and graduated a year before me. I was jealous. Seriously JEALOUS of everything regarding him. Poor boy. He had to go through a lot of crap with me. I really feel bad.
Family.... We all have our family drama. Mine = combined family.
Who was around- who lived close- who got along. With 9 other siblings nothing was ever sprinkles on cupcakes. I lived at home with my Mom and little brother. Dad was out of the picture. In a bad way as well. I didn't know what I wanted. Where I was going to go. I was so confused. Life happened really fast-- at least that's what I thought. I have since learned better.

The point is life although stressful and crazy it was "normal"
At least it seemed normal to me. It was what I was used to. Even though changes happened and life continued the new normal was always still normal.

So back to my dream... I was back there. In the middle of all that. Nothing really significant happened in the dream It was just so real.
Kinda funny-- when Ryan went to wake me up I kept screaming "Mom leave me alone, I just want to sleep some more Mom"... Seriously I was convinced I was 17. The past 6 years had not happened. I was still living then. My husband was my Mom. It took a little to long for me to snap out of it. It was weird.
anyway
I finally got up in my house. Kissed my husband goodbye. Let my dog out to go potty. Drank my coffee. Vacuumed my floors. Got dressed in my clothes and got in my car and went to my job.
I grew up.
This life is now my normal. I feel normal in so many ways.
But so un-normal in others.
I feel asleep last night with my face buried in that polka dot blanket. I found a tiny little spot that smelled like Makenzie. I stuffed my face into that little area so much I kept having to come up for air. We go to sleep with  "Makenzies Sleep-list" Its the same play list she would fall asleep to.
I sit here and think-- how is this normal?
How is this what my new normal is?

I know this is total movie, live happily ever after, storybook kind of idea... but... I still have a hard time realizing that life is not a guarantee. The future, the events that will happen, the things you will do... There is no road map. There is no set way.
For everyone its different... But for me...
I have always imagined... Childhood was a bit rough, Still learned a lot and still had great times. Had to overcome the death of a sister, Dad in prison, Single Mom raising my little brother and I. Going to school and having the regular high school experience. Lucky enough to make some life long friends. Graduate. Maybe go to school. Or maybe marry someone that will take care of me. Finding the right one would be kind of hard. There would be some heartache and struggles involved. I would marry. Life wouldn't be a fairytale. We would have issues. I would need counseling and there might come a day we both need to be in counseling to help our marriage. But we would work through it. We both are in it for forever so no matter how bad things go we would pull through. We would get a place Maybe struggle with money. But we would do it. Then once everything started to fall into place we would have our first kid. Then a few years later we would have another. Then maybe the next might come a little sooner than we planned. Life would be total chaos and mayhem and we would lose our mind a few times. We would travel a few times. I never really thought farther ahead than kids being early teens. I don't know what life looked like after that but that's what life was beforehand. That's how it happened. A few things might come up here and there. But that is life right?
It was in my head that after you start that family--- You just continue with that family. Its the beginning. Its your life. Its this whole new world that is just incredible. But it continues.
That's normal.
Or that was my vision of normal.
I have always planned for the worst. A spouse passing, a parent passing. Sickness, debt, poor, even being homeless.... I have thought about those what-ifs in life.
I never planned for this though. I never planned that along this road I would bury my child. I never planned that I would have this discusing disease that I carry in my body that will kill my children. How did I not plan for this?
Yet, This is now my normal.
I have been wondering around my house in this new normal and trying to understand why this is still so sureal. It has been 17 months. 17!
Why is it still weird for me to look at a family with several kids and get confused? How did that happen?
That's normal... So WTH is wrong with me?
We are struggling so much with trying to figure out how our next child will come into our lives. But it wont end there. We will be going through that for every.single.child. we want in our life.

So I have to say I have heard about a million times since Makenzie passed that most couples divorce when they have a child pass. Guess there are some things that are a bit more personal and need to stay within closed doors but Ryan and I are both very open. You want to ask... We tell.. The good and the ugly.
So even though you didn't ask. I'm going to tell you the ugly.
I love Ryan. There is NO doubt about that. He has been the best thing to ever happen in my life. I could go on for hours about him. But marriage and esp. marriage with things like this new normal doesnt make for an easy life.  There are far to many days I am just angry. I am just stressed. I just cant focus. I just ache. There is nothing he can do about it. He can hug me or love me or tell me nice things but it doesnt help. I get angry with him for dumb things... Like the fact that he to carries this dumb gene... But don't worry- I get 10x more upset with myself that I carry it.  I get upset that he doesnt talk about her enough. I get upset when he doesnt say goodnight to her with me. I get upset when I feel alone. Lost. Helpless. Angry. Scared. Worried. Overwhelmed.  I get upset with him when I am really upset with others. He is the one that gets the short end of the stick with all of this.  Because he is the only ONLY only one who really knows. He knows what it feels to lose Makenzie. Not a child, not someone-- Makenzie. 
He is living this new "normal" along with me and he is going through the same issues I am.
We maybe reacting to things different but in the end the aching and wanting and missing is the exact same.

In the beginning... I remember Ryan and I both saying how we have grown so much closer through this experience and that we couldnt imagine ever not being without the other... I have to say. Luckily. We are still there. I couldnt imagine a day without him. I can definitly see how others could fall apart though. It makes me so sad because it could happen so easily.  Thank God he gave me Ryan. I don't know anyone else that could put up with me.  AND I have to say-- He better thank God he has me because I don't think anyone else would put up with the smells, messes and weird things that boy comes up with.

My dumb anxiety is really high today... Maybe just because I woke up and though I was in high school still? Maybe because I'm seeing our normal - again. Maybe because I am trying to understand what is next for us and I just cant.  I put my trust and faith in God. I try to let him take control but I am a control freak and don't relinquish so well.
I don't think ill ever be okay with this new normal.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Whats in your purse?

Now I'm not assuming everyone that reads this is a women or carries a purse. SO if you don't carry a purse- This might be, Whats in your satchel or pockets or glove box or fanny pack. Whatever works for you.
I carry a purse.
I'm a little obsessed and rely on this this a little to much. It carries everything.
Ryan bought me this very special purse in January while in Vegas. Its like another addition to the family. I take very good care of it and I promise- It will never ever be replaced so I better love it to pieces.
Seriously. Ryan threatened my life if anything happens to my Coach bag.
So here she is.
I love her and clean her often.
I don't let her get wet. I shield my body over her in snow or rain so she stays warm and dry.
She is never taken to the restroom or put on the floor.
She gets strapped in the car so she doesn't fly around. I wash my hands often while handling her.
Isn't she pretty.


Sooo... What does she carry? Seriously... my whole life pretty much.

1. Mothers day cards... From this year... I love them and still read them often.


2. A broken cookie.. Its from Paradise Bakery and those are to special to just toss away.
3. Tampax Pearls... Don't be embarrassed... They come in handy for various purposes :)
4. Eleven cents and dollar bills
5. Check book... Who writes checks still?? Well I do to pay my HOA and medical bills. I'm still old fashion.
6. My green wallet.


7. Blue under-roos. Please Please... They are Teagans. Not mine. Promise they don't fit. I have tried.
8. Cinderella chap stick because what girl can live without that?
9. Pencils and extra lead because I'm smart like that.
10. My picture book of Kenzie that someone sent me long ago. Still look at it everyday.
11. Bags of Korean coffee... Oh they are so yummy and don't require any sugar or extra stuff. Perfect for on the go.
12. FREE coupon for an item from Bath and Body Works. I can always use something from there.


Pretty much everything you have already seen...
+
13. My mascara. NEVER leave home without that. Its the best. Very Black/Water Proof. My dream come true.


14. My baggie of lip gloss. I keep it in a baggie because that stuff might leak and I already told you how Ryan threatened my life if something happened to Coach. That includes inside too!
15. 5 Gum
16. A yellow hair clippy. Not sure why that's in there. Its Makenzies. I made it. But she never wore it.
17. Scan Disk. because I need random things saved on that thing.
18. My One card for school on top of a stack of punch cards to various restaurants, ice cream parlors, etc.


So there she is. Coach.
She is pretty and purple inside.


A purse is a mysterious thing. There are always random treasures. Believe me, this is a good clean day. I usually have many more random things...
I want to see whats in your purse, satchel, fanny pack, pockets.. Whatev.
Im nosy and like to pry into your life.
Have a good day!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

PICU

May 18
I wont post this till after. I will wait because I am not sure how it will go. But I had to write. I had to get all this anxiety out somewhere. I got a call from Makenzies Neurologist. She wanted me to come bring a pair of baby leggings to a sweet little girl in the PICU at PCMC. How could I say no? So many people helped me. Talked to me. In their own grief or hard ache. It was the least I could do.
To know another Mum is learning of this new disease. Learning of her daughters new life. Trying to understand it. Trying to live it.
Since she called yesterday asking me to come I haven't stopped thinking about this unknown Mum. This unknown little girl. This family. Who's world has been turned upside down. Ill be going to meet them today. I bought a new pair of leggings last night and bought a bow to match. Its a bow just like my favorite one Makenzie had. That red one. This one is purple. I packaged it and included a picture of Makenzie. Mainly because I want her to know how hard I have prayed for them last night and that I know there is at least one angel who will be watching over her. I don't know what life this little girl will be living. She has SMA type 1. That's all I know. I have thought about what her parents are thinking. The surgery's and treatments they are now becoming experts at.
Its all coming back. Those words that I never thought I would ever really understand.
I could understand doctor lingo with the best of them. I knew those machines, what every number meant. I knew about procedures and results. I knew about side effects and different outcomes.
I pray for this family. For every family that knows this. No matter how new you are to it or how advanced you are in it. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you are living this.

Its been hard to concentrate. I have been trying to not focus on what I'm most afraid of.
Going into that area. Through those double doors. Passing the nurse station. Passing the rooms. Hearing those sounds. Hearing the beeps. Being in the same hallway we learned the fate of her life. Seeing those people who helped keep her alive.
Passing the room Makenzie spent 1/4 of her life. Passing that room that was my home. The room that kept her with me. Seeing the chair that I held her. The same room, the same chair that she took her last breath in my arms.
I keep telling myself over and over that its not about me. Its not about Makenzie.
Its about this little girl. This 8 month old little girl. This precious gift God has given the world. This girl that is here for a reason and a big purpose. This little girl who's life will end too soon. I'm honored to meet her.
I can do this.



PS. Happy 22 Month Birthday Makenzie Rye. 
I think about you every second and love you more and more everyday.
Thank you for being mine.












May 19
I probably should have wrote yesterday when I got home but I just couldn't. I couldn't do anything. I haven't been that emotionally and physically exhausted in a while.
Waiting in the lobby was the hardest part. The anxiety and remembering was so overwhelming.  I had trouble finding Kenzie's doctor so I waited a little while. I tried to stay focused on why I was there. But that only lasted a few minutes. I was a mess. Walking the halls and sitting in the lobby crying. It was that lunch room I ate in for 27 days. That chair was the chair I was sitting on when I was telling -- about the latest news. That's the wall I stared at while they did shift change constantly asking Ryan what time it was (that hour never went fast enough).  I kept looking at those doors remembering the day we walked out of there without her. I missed her so much I couldn't breathe. I felt a little silly when I found her doctor because I was doing that huff huff cry.  She was very sweet and calmed me down. I went to the bathroom to try and get those red eye and splotches to go down and we were on our way up. 
Turns out. I knew this little girl. Well I know her through the blog world.
Her family is such an incredible family. You might have heard of them.
I got the chance to meet the beautiful little Maggie. Before we even walked through the PICU room doors my whole outlook changed. Maggie is just 2 doors down from the room Makenzie spent her last days. I walked in her room and was overwhelmed with love for this little girl. Her Mom and Dad had just left so Dr. and I hung out with this little angel for a bit. She had just had her GTube surgery that day. I couldn't stop looking at her button. I kept seeing Makenzies belly and that same button in her belly.
She was so sweet and had the most beautiful big eyes. I bought a special pair of leggings for her so I put them on her chubby little legs. I joked a little about how she had baby leggin legs. Since Kenzie was skin and bones nothing ever fit. These purple polka dot leggings were perfect on her beautiful legs. It was so special to touch her toes and fingers.
Maggies nurse turned out to be our most favorite nurse. I gave her the biggest hug as soon as she walked in. She was her nurse a few times and even when she didn't have Kenzie she would come check on her. She was the nurse we asked to be with us when we took out Kenzies breathing tube because we knew how much she cared for her and that she would make sure she was as comfortable as possible. She was there to help us bathe her for the last time after she passed. She cried with us. 
She was so sweet and remembered so much about us- even HARLEY. 
We left little Maggie so she could get a bit more comfortable and go to sleep. 
I talked to Dr. for a bit longer. Then I left.
It was such an emotional experience. The hurt of missing Makenzie to the joy of meeting this incredible girl.
I ache for this family because they know this miss. They lost their little Jonas just a few months ago. He to had SMA type 1 just like Maggie.  I cant imagine. The strength, the love, the bravery, the heart this family has. I am so inspired. I love them.
Please pray for them, for the road they will have to repeat with Maggie.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

a couple things...

First.... Don't be jealous. I know you might be but seriously, I'm just that lucky.
To have...
This super sexy little number


please... please... before I get email after email asking where I got this.
Its very special, an heirloom if you will.
Passed down from one of the sexiest women I know..
Grandma H.
(Grandma is probably going to strike me down right now for even posting that)
I love it.


Before you run off looking on ebay for a mu mu of your own.
I have another thing to tell you.
You better check it out.
You better pass it along.
And you better be coming.
or else.
....and maybe ill wear that little item if you promise to come :)




Update after some controversy
Regarding this post. It was simply a joke. I hope none of you took the mu mu as offensive. I got a few comments that sound like a few people took it the wrong way. I got the mu mu from my Grandma after she passed and think its so fun. The "ill wear the little item if you come" comment was meaning that I would wear the mu mu, which I definitely would not. Seriously- Just laugh and say I'm a dork.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

the last few days...

we had the mini (niece) again so the weekend was all about her. all girl. and lots of fun.
this silly thang decided to give herself a new hair do a few days earlier so first thing saturday morning. we took her to get it fixed. love you girl but seriously it was a hot mess.





see what im sayin. apparently the 90's are back and she needed to join the mullet gang.



they had to cut it rather short but i must say she looks pretty dang cute.


after the beauty parlor we had lunch with our best buds.
whenever these girls get together its like they have never been apart. 
dress up.dolls.barbies.books. you name it. it was everywhere.
b-man was all about chasing the girls. he is definitely going to be a ladies man.



Ryan ditch his girls and went camping - boys only!
so us girls made the most of it and had a girls only night and morning.
we snuggled tight in bed and slept in. got up and made yummy berry smoothies. watch 3 princess movies. did a little cleaning. fixed up our hair. did a few clothing changes. 
tried on jewelry and put on mounds of "lips" (lip gloss)



*poor harley. she takes a lot from this girl*

after ryan got home we decided to soak up some of the good weather and took the fam. out on a walk
ryan+kendra+mini+jill+harley








i couldn't resist. this girl wanted picture after picture taken and she gave me every facial expression she could think of. i was cracking up because this lasted well over 5 minutes. 



we ended our weekend with a very yummy dinner accompanied by our other (couple) half- the andersons.




what else is new?
- school starts again this week
-there has been more work to be done on ryans truck :(
-the warm weather is starting to come out and we cant be more excited
-our long time basement roomie has decided she is heading out on her own and movin out
-i passed ALL my classes!! woowoo.. my grades... A-B-C.. seriously. ha.
-we are mapping out our summer weekends and they are filling up fast
-mrw live, laugh, breathe event in july is coming along well. so anxious! 

back to everyday life. back to work. back to responsibilities.
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