Thursday, March 31, 2011

Home

Grandma made it home last night.
I can only imagine the joy she is experiencing right now.
Grandpa is having a great day.

I love you Grandma.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Almost Home

This waiting. This in the middle of here and heaven point. We are seeing that right now. Grandma is there.
You expect to lose your Grandparents in your lifetime. They live a long and happy life. They do all the things or most of the things they dream of and they leave with an amazing legacy.
But so many times there is this point where they are still here but not really here. They are not themselves and its pretty much a waiting game until they return to heaven.
Its so hard to watch. Its hard to sit there knowing they hurt. Knowing the amazing things that are about to come but just are not coming fast enough.
No matter the age I think when it gets to that point you are so focused on that person that you don't even think of your real feelings. You so badly don't want them to hurt so your praying for God to take them home.
I almost feel guilty saying that. Its not that I don't want them here. But even more than that I want them okay. I want them to be there.

I remember that feeling for a few days before Makenzie passed. I remember thinking on one hand the time was just moving far to quickly. I knew when it would end and I wouldn't have her anymore. But then I would look in her eyes and see how much she was hurting. I would see her gag every time her breathing tube would move even a little. I would see how much she hated those treatments. I saw how hard it was for her to just move. That makes me more sick than the thought of not having her anymore. To know she is living like that. I would give anything to have that end. Even if it meant giving her up.
Those words hurt so incredibly bad. To give her to God. To know I will no longer get to hold her or look in her eyes or kiss her lips or see her grow. To know I was giving the most important thing in my life to someone I have to trust is real.

I love my Grandma to pieces. She is the sweetest/ funniest lady around. She is an excellent example of perfection. How she carries herself. How she smiles. How big her heart is. How much she loves.
I cant imagine her not being here. I cant imagine thinking I wont see her for a long time. But right now. I'm so praying for that. I want her to be back with her husband. Back with her son. Back with her Grand babies. She needs to be free.
She is so close. She is almost there. She will soon be with them all again. She will get to hold my Makenzie.
She is the closest thing to my baby right now. I pray she gives her so many loves from me.
I pray she doesn't have to wait much longer.

Death is so not scary. Its the most amazing thought to me. I don't want to lose someone that I love, but taking myself out of the equation and thinking about that person. What an amazing world they are now getting to be in. How lucky are they. How beautiful it must be. To be with Jesus.

I wish I could understand. Why everything happens. Why people go the way they do. Why they go when they do. Nothing really makes sense. Its rather frustrating. But I have to stop thinking about the problem. I need to focus on the outcome. Its the outcome that really matters. Its the end that is all that we should think about. The problem will never be clear. It will never be understood. But God has that all worked out. He knows why.

When Grandma goes. It doesn't mean its not sad. It doesn't mean all that are left here wont hurt. We now have to say goodbye to someone we love dearly. We are the ones who now have to keep going. In this life. Waiting for our turn. Its so hard. Its a hard balance. Thinking of them and feeling your own feelings. Its not easy. Its almost impossible at times. I am catching myself now and again from feeling jealous. Jealous that she is soon going to be with Makenzie. Jealous that she gets to love on her as much as she wants. That aches. Deeper than most any other ache. Its not suppose to be all good thoughts. All acceptance and being "okay" with the events in life. What would we achieve in that? You have to be a gargoyle not to hurt. Not to think of yourself. Not to wish and miss and dream of a different way.  I guess its more trying to keep that side of the outcome as minimal as possible. Trying to get out of that state of mind when you find yourself there. Trying to remember the big picture. Trying to see them and that new life. 

SO much easier said than done. Believe me. I couldn't get myself out of my one sided thinking for close to a year and I still fall back into that quite a bit. I am better at getting myself out of it faster but I still go there. I'm human. I have real feelings and it would be crazy to think different.

At the end of the day I just pray. Pray for all of these things all these things I tell myself, all those things I imagine all day, are real. That they are really really real. I believe it. Deep deep down.
My daughter is waiting for me. She is just as excited to see me and her Daddy as we are to see her.

Its going to be extremely hard to say our final goodbye to Grandma.
After all she is the beginning to all of our stories.


Monday, March 28, 2011

google search

So long ago and far away...
Well only about 1 year and 4 months ago I heard the word SMARD... an acronym for Spinal Muscular Atrophy with Respiratory Distress.  Pretty much the worst words in the world.  I remember sitting next to Makenzie in that hospital bed.  I cant remember what she was doing... Either sleeping or watching TV. I didn't like to be distracted by other things when she was awake so she was probably sleeping.  But I remember typing in those acronyms... only about 3 pages worth on google. I wrote out the whole title and again no more than 4-5 pages. I couldn't understand anything. All the information was foreign. I remember thinking that I should have gone to med. school. Maybe then I would know what my daughter was dieing of. I came across only 2 blogs. I was already in contact with 1 and I then reached out to the other. The information is so limited. It is all so very rare.  I asked the doctors for more info and they had nothing to provide me with other than the little they knew.

I keep up to date on SMARD. At least I try to. I google the word several times a month. I go through all the same articles. I try to understand more and more.  I don't know what I'm looking for. There is no answer as to why Makenzie died. At least not one that I will be okay with. I was looking on there again today. I dont know when this happened but I just noticed how many google pages there are on SMARD....
107,000!
So maybe a lot are not what SMARD really is, or has weird information, or is really for SMA, or is some for a cult..
But still- look how much it has grown in 1 year and 4 months!
I thought that was kind of cool.
To have more people know of this. To have more people read the facts. To have more support.
So maybe one day... There will be a cure. Or a special treatment. So that others don't have to suffer like Makenzie.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Mini Weekend

Loved our mini visitor.
She is the sweetest girl ever and kept Ryan and I laughing THE.WHOLE.TIME
The things she would say. or try to say. 
barbies.barbies.barbies
this girl knows the way to my heart






little mermaid.jumping on the couch.pillow fights





Brunch
Painted Nails
The little Gym
Dinner
Dessert
Friends
The Jungle Book








Pink and Green Pancakes
Bacon
Visits to Grandma
Fries
Fruit Punch
Lady Bug Pillow Pet







We had to make our stop to visit Kenzie. We haven't been since last weekend and I couldn't wait to drop off the Flamingo we got her from Vegas. (since we stayed at the Flamingo)
The cute animal pin wheels are from the zoo.
Mini was such a doll. She kept asking where Kenzie was then giving her balloon kisses.
I hate to think mini wont remember her. 







Last night was a bit of a rough night for this girl. She couldn't sleep. She kept waking up because she would kick the blankets off and get cold. By around 3am I pulled her into bed with Me + Ryan + Harley
I laid there and held mini close. It took me forever to go back to sleep. All I kept thinking was how much I want my mini. I want to pull her in bed with us and have no room to move. When I finally fell asleep I had this weird dream. WEIRD. It was all over the place. A tree house, Jungle, Concert, Tattoos and babies were involved. I told you weird.
But the sun soon woke us up (according to mini) and Ryan and I couldn't stop talking about the 20 month old girl that should be bouncing around our bed far to early for a Sunday morning. 
We loved having Mini. She was the best treat in a very long time. 
but she sure made us think of our angel mini. 

We sure didn't want to take her home. We devised a plan to keep her forever.
but it didn't work out, she wanted her Dad.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Tuesdays...

Its a Tuesday.... What is it about Tuesdays?
Not quite half way through the week, yet still close enough to the last weekend you can smell it.
Maybe its also because its rather blustery outside. Its snow and rain. I miss my flip flops and shorts. Hmm.. It will be here soon enough and ill be complaining of the heat. I guess that's how it always goes :)
So school. Ahhh... Its still in the works. I hate to break it to you all but I'm getting second thoughts about Occupational Therapy! Yes, you heard me right... My dream may not be my dream. I know I want to be in the therapy field. What I'm worried about is the schooling to get there. I know I sound like a big baby but seriously- I'm HORRIBLE at math and science. I am consistently studying but I still don't get it. Argh!
I'm going to meet with my school counselor this week so hopefully she can give me some advice or a little boost back on track. I sure hate going through these--- discouraged--- states.
Work is going well. I am very lucky to work with the people I do. I'm lucky to work for a great company. Its a bit scary to think I wont be here forever. Its been a security blanket to me for a while.  I guess you have to make changes in order to reach your true calling in life. I just hope God can give me a little more of a shout out as to what that calling really is.

The house. Oh don't get me started. Its still there. Still has that for sale sign in the window and I'm still uber paranoid about trying to keep it somewhat clean. Its very hard when you live with a man like I do. He is a MAN. A dirty, want to leave my shoes throughout the house, don't know how to clean toilets kind of man. I sure love him though. And he can cook so ill keep him. I am hoping in the next few months as the weather starts to change and the outside of the house starts to look good again we will have a few more people interested. I have to be patient and know it will happen when and if its suppose to happen.
Ryan has been having some serious anxiety about selling the house. I didn't realize how much until just recently. It scares me to think if we are making the right decision.  I understand where he is coming from. It was our first place. We put alot of work into it and that's the home we shared the best life in.  I guess for me it hasn't been so hard lately because the "feeling" of home left for me when 1- my daughter left. She made that house a real home. and 2- after we packed up most of the place, esp her room. It feels very bare to me. I felt like packing up our personal things, all those pictures, all those "things" was what changed my house. Where ever my Ryan is ill be good. Ill be home. BUT I completely understand why he is feeling what he is feeling. It breaks my heart. Makes me worry if this "dream" this "career" is more for me and he doesn't see the benefit for himself. Is it too selfish? I went into it thinking of the great life we will be able to have in a couple years...
Sure for a little while it will seem like we took a step back in life. Going from home owners to renting. Going from a family to just us. Going from vacations, shopping and hobbies anytime to carefully planning and budgeting every little thing, (okay we are not loaded- that is misleading- I mean going from a two income planning and budgeting life to a one income planning and budgeting life)
But I just think of what we will be able to do in 5 years.

I think all of this is exactly like us.
Ryan is very much living in the present. Planning is not in his vocabulary. He is happy now. He is content with the now. He makes today happy.
Me... Oh I'm so much living for tomorrow. I'm a plan- plan- planner. I have to have spreadsheets on what will happen next and if something changes what will that plan be. Its all mapped out.
He is seeing the right now. The changes today. I am seeing in the future and the possibilities at that time.
We will figure it out. I know we both have the same goal in life and that's to be together and happy.
I will never made a decision without knowing he is totally on board and I know he would do the same.
Its a good thing I have him, we balance each other out for the most part- its just little hang ups like this that we need to work through.

So we are super excited about the upcoming MRW events planned. I am going a bit crazy with this 5k planning. Maybe I need to get a team put together. A team of 5k experts. Are you one of them?
I'm still calling city's, parks and whoever else to find a location. Its not near as simple and low key as I once thought. Geesh! Oh well. Its all worth it.

So there it is. My Tuesday. Think I should worry about another thing? Well don't worry- I have about a million other things on my worry list and they are taking over my life. I need some coffee to settle down :)

Monday, March 21, 2011

Las Vegas

Oh what a trip... It was less than 48 hours but it was packed with F.U.N
I was hoping and praying that it would be somewhat warm. At least in the 70's. BUT. It wasn't so. It was cold and windy and I was very sad. but that didn't stop me from wearing flip flops the whole time. It was absolutely necessary. So the trip started on Friday after work.
The A Team picked us up and we were on the road.
Got there after dark and hit the strip in no time.
night 1 was a little fuzzy
good thing we have pictures to remember




We stayed at the Flamingo. Naturally there was a yard full of them. 



Day 2 was all about walking...walking...walking
we shopped a bit, ate a lot, went to madam tuso wax museum, played with toys on the street
we had a ball. only took a few minute breaks so our feet were extremely sore
we headed back to the room for a quick rest before we went to an amazing steak dinner at the Bally hotel. we were ready to call it a night at 7:30! But being in Vegas and all, we MADE ourselves stay out well past midnight. It was so very cold and extra windy that night. The hair did's we did were wasted.  We ended the night at margaritaville before we headed back to our hotel.






















amazing friends
great food
2 crazy nights
shopping
little sleep
=

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