Tuesday, August 31, 2010

wish you well


went to bed last night feeling sick. i wasn't thinking of anything until i rolled over. and saw my wall of her. my wall of us. what used to be. what is now. missing. unbelievable amounts of missing flooded my heart. when it gets that intense, i shake. my whole body. i think every organ. its a strange feeling. my eyes got fuzzy. my heart pounded harder. what will i make of my life. what will i make of this future ill be living without her? a dear friend showed me this song months ago. i listen to is multiple times a day. i think of her. this song explains me. it explains that the biggest reason I'm so scared to live and to keep breathing is because i don't know how. she is was the start of my life. she taught me how do live.
now i don't know how to do it without her.

*wish you well by katie herzig*
I want to wish you well
I didn’t watch you go
Cause I suppose I don’t know how
I, I will remember you
Not the way you left but how you lived
And what you knew

I, I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your fire burning
Right from where I stand

I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to know it’s you
When I hear your voice inside my head
Inside my room
I, want to touch the sky
I want to see the stars twinkle
Like they were your eyes

I’ll find my way
You showed me
I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to smell your scent
I want to breathe the air I did before
Before you left

I, I want to wish you well
The only reason my heart beats
Is cause you showed it how

I’ll find my way
You show me
I’ll find my way
You show me
I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how
You show me how
You showed me how


so glad i had her life. so glad i am her mom. just missing.

Monday, August 30, 2010

I was TAGGED.

So I was tagged. Hmm... I haven't been tagged in years. What am I tagged? A crazy Lady maybe :)
naaa... this sweet girl at.... Living our love song.... (yeah totally copied my blog name :) tagged me.
I don't like to let anyone down so if you tag me... Ill listen and obey. I'm not good at tagging so I hope this goes okay and I dont mess it up.
She asked me 8 random questions and now I have to answer them... When I'm done with that- Ill ask 8 questions and tag other people to answer them. So here I GO...

Here are my 8 questions:


1. If you could offer a newborn child just one piece of advice, what would it be?
Don't come out. Stay in there!
2. What are two goals for next year (2011)?
#1 Plan a fabulous trip for Ryan and I
#2 Finish my Associates and move onto a real University
3. What is your best childhood memory? What makes it so special?
Best childhood memory... hmmm... I have some really good memories. Lucky ME. I had tons of siblings that just loved me to pieces and gave me everything I wanted. oh wait. no they didn't- they gave my little brother everything he wanted. I was a jealous animal. anyway- my best childhood memory couldn't fit into one special occasion. This is such a random memory but I can remember it like it was yesterday-
right before Halloween on year, a couple of my sisters came running home to give my brother and i matching costumes. It was one of the first years power rangers was popular and I about died. They rushed in with our masks on their faces and I almost fell over in excitement. I was the pink ranger and J was the white ranger.
4. If the average human life span were 40 years old, how would you live your life differently?
If the average life span was 40 years, 15 years or 100 years they should all be lived the same. Like today is our last. Because you never know when it will be. I have the same goals and dreams in this life than if I knew life would be over in a year. I want to be happy. I want to experience joy. I want to change anothers life for the good. I want to make a difference.
        *** so thats what I say--- and I totally believe but I should also say--- I wouldnt worry so much about the silly everyday stuff. I wouldnt worry so much if my house smelled like dog, because, i have 2 sweet puppies and i love them to pieces. I wouldnt worry if my husband shaved his scraty face or if he was wearing clothes that matched because trutfully- he looks pretty cute all the time. I wouldnt worry so much if my pants fit right- I would take the oppertunity to buy a new pair.
5. What's your best moment of the year (2010)?
Oh 2010. A hard year. The best moment. So far. Would be July 17th. To see all those amazing people come together to celebrate not only Makenzie but every other child/family/friend who has been affected by SMA. To see such a giant amount of love, happiness and support was overwhelming. I still get goosebumps thinking about that day.
6. Who inspires you the most?
This changes so much for me. I find I get inspired by the lady down the street, a new blog, a family member or even a stranger.  For me I feel inspired when I see someone being a part of something bigger than themselves. I am inspired by strength. I am inspired by love. If I had to pick 1 person who inspires me the very most- it would obviously be Makenzie. Her drive to just live was amazing. To see her work as hard as she did to experience all that she did in the world takes my breath away.  I imagine her every time I think I have a hard day. I think how easy my days are compared to her.
7. What activities make you lose track of time?
TV. ha. I'm a TV/reality show/Secret Life junkie. Its horrible. The other thing- shopping. I love shopping. The other thing- hangin with the hubby. The other thing- Lunch dates. That 1 hour always turns into a whole day event.
8. If you could do anything, or wish for anything that would come true, what would it be?
Okay this is another obious answer. If we take Makenzie out of it and focus on one of my more materialistic wishes I would have to say I wish soo soo much that Ryan and I could travel the world. I want to travel all day everyday. I want to see other cultures. I want to live in another country. I want to see everything.
Another wish- I wish I was done with school. Had it all done and behind me and I was on my way to a successful career with student loans being paid off.
Another wish- I wish I could go on a super crazy never look at a price tag shopping spree *with Bradley Cooper :)


OKAY now for my questions to my peeps I tag:
1- What is the craziest thing you have ever done?
2- If you won the lottery what would you do with the money?
3- Who would you say is your best friend (besides your spouse)?
4- What does a perfect day look like for you?
5- What are you passionate about?
6- Did you have any resolutions for 2009? If yes- what were they and have you accoplished any?
7- What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?
8- If you could have a feast of your favorite foods- what would be on the menu?
Who do I tag?
EVERYONE! haha.. Yeah Im not very original. I dont want to call anyone out. BUT I do have to say you are ALL tagged and you should all leave a comment if you participate so we can all blog stalk you and see your answers!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

31 in 31... day 25

Day 25 Kendras Picture
I couldn't resist. My L covered in stickers. You might think she put those on herself.. well ill admit she didn't... i did. ha. I'm not a very nice aunt.


Day 25 Ryans Picture
He was taking a picture of Harley and I. Then Milo jumped in. I look like I'm hurting my poor doggie but I am not. I promise. She just wouldnt look at the camera.

special birthdays

so today was a special day because we celebrated not 1 but 2 fabulous women. probably the most important women in the world. our mothers.
my moms bday was 2 days ago and ryans moms bday is today.

becky-ryans mommy- oh how we love you. you are such a beautiful person inside and out. thank you for giving me my husband- my better half. thank you for then being a part of my daughter. without you she wouldn't have been. thank you for always loving us. supporting us. encouraging us. ryan is a mamas boy and forever will be. you have him wrapped around your finger! thank you for being my mother. thank you for guiding me. thank you for being a part of our life. we love you to pieces.
happy happy birthday.


diane-kendras mom- my love. i just adore you. everyone that knows you does. thank you for being our mom. thank you for always being there for us. you have the best heart and the sweetest spirit. i cant imagine life without you. ryan thanks you for being my mom- for helping me become the person i am today :) thank you for being apart of our makenzie. thank you for all your unconditional love.
happy happy birthday


ps. i made those cupcakes. so i did get my baking fix in.

31 in 31... day 24

Day 24 Kendras Picture
This was at T football game. He did awesome and they won! His cutie sisters- the cheerleaders- in line waiting for the players to run onto the field.


Day 24 Ryans Picture
We got to babysit my cute niece S on day 24. We took her to kangaroo zoo, dinner and shopping, ending the night with treats and a movie.  This girl is to cute. She doesn't stop talking and she acts like she is 15. I love her. We got her a special drink for dinner and she LOVED it.
PS. she used to hate ryan. every time she would see him she would start screaming.
now- shes a big fan of his.

31 in 31... day 23

Day 23 Kendras Picture
This was the morning we won the high 5 award. Check out that cool basket of goodies we got. It was super early but cant thank our family enough for coming out.  A special thank you to our sweet Aunt Mary for nominating us!

Day 23 Ryans Picture
We got this magnet in Mexico. He loves it.

31 in 31... day 22

day 22 Kendras Picture
These are the things I treasure the very most. I got a mold done a couple weeks after Kenzie was born then I got another done a week before she passed away. Its amazing how they really didn't change in size. She was just a tiny little girl. I just love these because its something I can hold. Its something I can see and they are her.


day 22 Ryans Picture
So he took a picture of himself. when he was little. on Santa's lap.
hmm. i love you Ryan.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

rambling

out of the blue i started feeling sick. this overwhelming sick to my stomach feeling. i didn't know what just happened. i wasn't thinking of anything in particular. then i realized this life is real. im so confused. how can i take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. how is this still so shocking. im frustrated. im angry.  i started thinking i don't know if ill ever be a mom again. then i think what if i was a mom again- then i get mad because i know its not going to be a mom to makenzie. this is exhausting. i cant look at others anymore. i hate that ugly jealously feeling that starts to take over me. i get frustrated with myself when i think that.
im so scared i wont ever be a mother again. its not so simple anymore. we no longer have the option to just get pregnant. we cant just have another child- not without those risks.  i always thought i would have a big family. for years i said 5 kids. ryan only wanted 2. we compromised and said 3.
3 was our number. 3 is the amount of additions that would complete our family. we got married. found jobs. bought a house. got a dog. started school. then began our family. our very much wanted family. now here we are. -1. not sure how or where we will go to get #2. or if that is possible. you think there are so many options but the thing is- really there is not. not many options. not without money. not without resources. not without age. not without income status. you never think you will be that person. that person who cant have children. that person who lost a child. that person who has their marriage tested beyond its limits. i worry sometimes. i worry ryan will see that he can leave. fall in love with someone else and have a child that is fine. healthy. and not full of some dumb disease. i think the same for myself. we cant bring healthy child into this world without some serious help so is that a sign we shouldnt be together? then i think about others. those who cant have children period. not that they cant have a healthy child but those that just cant have children. does that mean they shouldn't be together. heavens no. i don't believe that for a second. but why do i think that for myself?
i then think- now if we stay together- that means its totally by choice. its by a massive amount of love we have for each other.
its in a womens blood to have children. to get fat. to live in a bit of misery for 9 months. then to shove a melon out of a tiny little hole. most of us grow up with that expectation. we grow up feeling that's our role in life. that's our purpose. then when you cant do that. you cant do that one thing that makes you so different from the opposite sex. wow. its an unbelievably feeling. a horrible feeling. i know many many women know this feeling. so now i sit here. knowing its far to soon to have another child come onto our family. knowing i don't know when we will be ready. and totally unsure how that will ever happen when we are ready. its a scary thought. 
i dreamed last night we just got pregnant. we took the risk and got pregnant. what happened? our next child had smard. yeah- we fell into those odds again. those crazy rare odds once again. but this time. i knew they had this disease from the beginning. i knew this child would struggle in life. i knew this child wouldn't live long. and i knew i would bury this child. i woke up and felt totally numb. i wanted to scream. i cried. the thought of losing another child. because i know- i have no control over the love i feel for that child. once they are mine. i lose my heart and soul to them. im scared. i don't know how i have lived these last few months and i don't know how ill even live to next week. then to do it again. i don't think i possibly could. so should i risk it? its a risk anyway i look at it. maybe they don't have smard but they have something else. or maybe they grow to hate me in life and run away and never speak to me again. those fears we all fear. those fears that are the greatest fears of life. are still so scary to me. even thought i am in the middle of it. even thought i know this pain- this low. im scared to death to see it again. so now what? maybe ryan and i will never have children. maybe we will move to the country and start a dog refuge. we will have hundreds of dogs. maybe a horse or something. and leave it at that. not take a risk. just live loving each other and our farm of dogs.

but is that what life should be about? should we stop taking risks for the fears?
probably not. i should probably take a risk. because that love- the love you feel with that child. is incredible. its like nothing else. how could i ever not experience that feeling again?
how could i never love another child again?
i wouldn't- for one second- even think about giving up the life i had with makenzie. she made me a different person. she change my world in an unbelievable way. if i stop now and never take a risk. ill never experience that unbelievable feeling. now that's scary.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Channel 5

This morning we were told our family had a surprise for us. We had to be up and ready by 6am. I was a bit nervous! eek. What were they planning. I was thinking something crazy or embarrassing but to our surprise it was nothing but amazing.  Ryans incredible Aunt Mary Ann nominated us for the High 5 award through our local KSL News station for our efforts with Makenzie's Live, Laugh, Breathe Event last month. We opened the door to a bright light in our eyes and the sweet Brooke Walker holding a mic to our faces.  We were a bit nervous. I'm not good doing anything like that esp on the spot. My answers to her questions were a bit silly and I would have said a better answer if I prepared but oh well. I guess that's the point. It was so great to see our family standing behind them telling us that we did a good job- what I really wanted to do was turn that camera around and say- Spot light them- because without them, we couldn't have done it.  It was our family that got us out of bed everyday. It was our family that continues to check on us and make sure we are taking care of ourselves. Its our family that isn't forgetting Makenzie and instead honoring her life with us.  We are so lucky. So very lucky to have each of them in our life everyday.

Thank You so much for this amazing award!

To read the story go here
High 5 for couple raising money for disease that took daughter's life

31 in 31... day 21

Day 21 Kendras Picture
This group of adorable girls came to my house on day 21. They living nearby and were coming to drop off bags of leggings and blankets for my Leggings project.  I about died. I hugged them all (sorry if you thought I was weird) and thanked them for all their hard work.  I couldn't believe how amazing they were. I ripped open the bags and could get over how cute all theses leggings are. They had hello kitty ones, stripes, polka dots, solid colors and fun designs.
They are amazing. AND check out that ADORABLE cupcake blanket they made.
I am temped to keep it for myself...
DON'T WORRY. I wont. The sweet babies in the PICU need it more. I would never take from them!


Day 21 Ryans Picture
I cant believe I'm putting this up here. So not flattering. So goofy. and a bit embarrassing since I'm spooning my dog.  But here it is. I was so sleepy. So was Harley. So we cuddled. For a while.
Ryan thought it was funny.

31 in 31... day 20

Day 20 Kendras Picture
I watched my nieces on Day 20. All they wanted to do was play with the dogs. I kept them put away because they are big and crazy and run around and knock people down so I wasn't wanting any ER trips today. So I kept telling them to get away from their kennel. The girls were bored. I don't have lots of toys at my house. So I got creative. I said we are going to make a barbie house. I got out my DVD's, CD cases and other random things from the house= Soup cans, napkins, toilet paper, bowls, dishes, candy... It had lots of detail. I realized I'm a bit OCD when it comes to my barbie houses. They tried to help me set it up and I wouldn't let them. I kept changing it to how I thought it should look. Then I didn't want them playing with it because it was perfect and they would mess it up. So they sat and watched.
I'm a fun aunt!


Day 20 Ryans Picture
.a blury picture of Milo.

31 in 31... day 19

Day 19 Kendras Picture
I love my doggies. 
This picture is very misleading. It makes Milo look small. WHICH he is NOT. He is a monster. He is heavy and massive. Harley is now our LITTLE dog. She is my lap doggie that I cuddle with. Milo is an ogre. He runs around like a puppy but with 70+ lbs on him. He leaves many bruises, scratches and makes us all scream in terror when he is running around. These 2 love each other though. I'm not sure if they are lovers or siblings. I would say siblings but then Milo does some very NOT sibling things to Harley.  We have to scold him on a regular basis... What can you do- He is all BOY!



Day 19 Ryans Pictures
Have I ever explained I live with a child? Yes a 26 year old boy. He is messy, dirty, smelly, doesn't clean, constantly getting into trouble, rebellious and eats all our food.  He is pretty cute though. So ill let him stay.
His picture for day 19 was this dumb stupid helicopter that he had to buy. We got one for him and one for my brother Ben when he was staying with us. They were on "SALE" 2 for $50! HELLO. for a toy. I wasn't happy about it but finally agreed. We got those dumb things home, ripped open the boxes and found one to be broken and the other to work semi okay.  It goes up and down. It has a light. and... that's about it. I bet that looks like so much fun - your going to run out and get one for yourself right?! argh. Ill sell you this one. Buy one get one free :)

31 in 31... day 18

Day 18 Kendras Pictures
So these pictures were really taken on day 17 but I forgot to take a picture on day 18.. oops!
So enjoy the adorableness of these! My nephew T is in football. He is so stinking cute. His sisters- the cheerleaders! Along with about 17 other sisters :) It was hot, it was long. But we had fun!


Day 18 Ryans Picture
I'm not sure what this is. A shirt- A hat- A belt... I don't know.  But it says sportsmans warehouse which is his favorite store. He could spend days there. Someday- when we are old and rich. He wants to open some kind of sportsmans shop. A local one that isn't really big and he will be like the only one working there. hmm.. Dream big baby!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

23 years old

August 25 was one of the first words I ever said when I was a baby. I loved my birthday. It was my day all about me. 1 year older. Growing up it was my favorite day. So this year was a big surprise for everyone when I said I didnt want to do anything for my birthday this year... I was not in a party movie and I just didnt want to turn another year older. I keep thinking how its not fair. I get to have another birthday, turn 1 year older and Makenzie cant. She never got to grow up. I just couldnt get last years birthday out of my mind. Thinking how amazing life was and how lucky I am to have that life so young in life. Now I cant believe this is my life and im the age I am.  I told Ryan months ago, I dont want to do anything for my birthday. I dont want a party or anyone over. Nothing was planned other than Ryan cooking.  Its a good thing I have family that doesnt really listen to me :) He invited his partents and my sister A over. We ate yummy ribs. Let lots of balloons go. Opened gifts. and Laughed.  Earlier that day I was showered with lots of Happy Birthdays and lunch from my bosses at work. + a special rootbeer cake delivered to my desk! Im so lucky to have such amazing friends and family. They make me so happy and know I can always count on them for everything.


31 in 31... day 17

Day 17 Kendras Picture
Since Ryan was hunting. I took advantage of the no guy weekend. I had a sleepover Friday with my BF AL. We stayed up late eating junk food and watching chic flicks. Then Saturday my sister and I went to see this movie. It was really good. Not as great as I thought but I still really liked it.


Day 17 Ryans Picture
So I'm not putting Ryans picture up because its a picture of the deer his Dad killed.  Its a cool picture and the deer is seriously a monster but I don't want to totally offend or scare anyone so ill keep it for our eyes only.
but-- hooray for the first deer of the season. that means we have meat!

31 in 31... day 16

Day 16 Kendra's Pictures
I have a few. I couldn't pick just 1.
Aunt J and I made Kenzie cards. I took them up to her and stayed a while.
Then the wind blew and realized we were having a windmill party.


Day 16 Ryans Picture
This is where he spends his days. work. Lots of steal. Lots of machines.
Lots of tools. Its a very manly place.

31 in 31... day 15

Day 15 Kendra's Picture
I love my MRW's. They are all over my house. This is my newest buy. I love these cute magnets I got at our farmers market. They are so cute!


Day 15 Ryan's Picture
"I love boobies" bracelet
** all proceeds for the purchase of this bracelet went to breast cancer research **

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

just a little information

1) Ryan and I have kept up to date with our 31 in 31 challenge... however... i haven't kept up on posting the pictures. ill update soon!

2) Ryan and I both start school Monday. I'm more nervous for Ryan. Ha. He is like a kid, I'm worried if he will make friends and if people will be nice.

3) I love to scrapbook. I miss it. But for 4 months while I was home with Kenzie. That's all we did everyday pretty much. And we did it together while we watched Disney movies. Our favorite was The Hunchback of Notre-Dame.

4) I haven't scrapbooked since the weekend before Kenzie went into the hospital. The only things I have left to scrapbook are of her. But. I decided as part of this continuing with life. I went out and got a few new things and im planning a weekend of catching up.

5) One of my most favorite things is root beer cake.

6) A made me root beer cake. mmmm...

7) I have become addicted to watching movies in the past couple weeks. I think I have watched over 15 in the last month.  That's alot for me who would go a year without watching one.

8) I'm anxious for fall. I love this time of year.

9) I have been craving BBQ wings and ranch.

10) Ryan makes THE best ribs. Seriously. They are amazing. And he is making them for me tonight.

11) I really want to paint a room in my house. I hate painting but I want a change. I'm thinking a bathroom.

12) I LOVE the fact that my big bro lives in this country now- we text or talk everyday. Its been great!

12) I had a blast playing barbies last night with my nieces. Sometimes I wish I was 8 again.

13) I want to bake. But I don't bake a lot so I want to make sure when I finally do it- its for something special.  I'm weird. Maybe i need to bake, just to bake.

14) Milo is fat. I don't know when that happened. I picked him up yesterday and almost collapsed to the ground because he was so heavy.

15) I love pedicures.

16) I love getting a new magazine. Forget fancy gifts- give me a good gossip magazine and I'm on cloud nine.

17) I'm a bit obsessed with Secret Life of the American Teenager. I cant wait for Mondays.

18) I want to move, I'm dreaming of a new house. But I cant imagine moving to a place Kenzie has never been.

19) I was talking about halloween costumes with Ryan and he suggested for me to dress as a toothless hooker. WTH?

20) I'm obsessed with jeans. I wish I could spend all my money on a new pair everyday. I love them more than new socks.


This is random and long. But it was fun. You should try it.

Monday, August 23, 2010

the D word.

After being woken up by a strong odor that milo left for me at 4 am. I laid back in bed. With everything around me being absolutely silent, my mind started wondering and I couldn't help but think of something I said earlier the day before.  I was talking with my sister when the D word slipped out.  I actually said it.  Never have said that word associated with my daughter before.  I usually say passed away, went to heaven... The D word just sounded so permanent and so scary. I was terrified to ever say that word to myself. To ever say it aloud. Well it being 4 am and not able to go back to sleep I decided maybe I needed to say it again. To say it to myself and see what I felt.  I did. I hated that word more than ever. I hate what it means.  Its so real. Its not sugar coated. Its not said with ease. You hear that word and it means sadness. Heartache. It hurts to have that word associated with the person I love the most. I have lost others in my life. I had no problem saying they died. It hurt, I was sad but it was a fact and that was it.  My sister died. I had uncles die. Grandparents died. Friends died. But this time. It was a word I just felt I couldn't say.
Ryan was gone this weekend. Hunting. So I was alone. I wanted to clear my head and try to find some kind of prompting. I wanted to feel something. I wanted a sign to know its okay. To know she is okay and to know Ill be with her again.  Every time something popped in my head I would throw it away (literally, In my mind I would imagine throwing a thought in the garbage) I did that for probably an hour. (I have so much going on up there, its rather frightening) After that hour- I was exhausted. I decided I should just get up and start my day. There was no point. I said the words but as much as I laid there praying and "throwing" my thoughts away I didn't feel anything I wanted to feel.  Through the day I kept thinking about that morning. I thought how strange it was that I was so calm. I cried. I yelled a little but I didn't throw myself out the window when I finally said that word like I thought I might. Progress?? I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe that was my answer. Maybe I was just given enough strength to say that word and know that word and believe that word and that was it.  I couldn't have the clouds part and the sun beam through as well I guess.

I spend lots of time going in her room. Looking at her clothes, her toys, her crib.  I held the last outfit she wore- I smelled it.  Still smells like her. I found the last pair of pajamas she wore. Seriously I don't know what I was thinking. That girl always looked so adorable but for some reason I dressed her in these ugly 90's velvet pajamas. Oh poor girl. I'm sure she was humiliated!  We all have to have one bad day right- guess that was hers.  I looked through her pictures. I held her little hand models.  I dreamed of her. Wished that word wasn't real. I wished I could have felt her.

I meet this sweet little girl on Friday who is 1 week younger than Kenzie. She lives down the street from me. I saw her mom pregnant- I thought it was funny we were having babies together and yet never talk to each other. I talked to them for the first time. She is adorable. She is big. I cant believe Kenzie would be that big. Walking!

So the rest of the day was spent saying that word. Because. For me. I think I need to believe that word now. In order for me to stop pretending. To stop playing house. To stop thinking she will be back soon. I so don't want to believe. I so don't want it real. But--- it is.

Makenzie Rye Webster died December 13 2009.

Friday, August 20, 2010

31 in 31... day 14

Day 14 Kendra and Ryan's Pictures
Okay once again- we have similar pictures.
On Kenzie's 13 month birthday we decided to celebrate a little.
off to color me mine we went.
Ryan was pretty much kicking and screaming.
but ended up enjoying it a bit.
Ryan pained a doubled egg plate and even put our "brand" on it.
haha.. yeah he came up with that a while ago. KMR -do you see it?
I painted that horrible flower one. Yeah it looks like someone threw up on it but whatever.
The other is a cute purple purple purple poka dot bowl. That's Makenzies.
Ended up having fun. Ryan didn't cry the whole time.

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